Note: Not Really A Button

Yesterday, while we were driving back from a day at the zoo, my kids (5 and 4) came up with the groundwork for a holiday called “Fart Day”. The holiday would be held every September 2nd and one of the customs of Fart Day is when you see someone, you say “Happy Fart Day!”; to which the other person replies by sticking his butt out and making fart sounds.

Also, the day after “Fart Day” shall be known as “Stinky Day”.

I was quite proud of their creativity and I can certainly see them writing on here in the future.

Now let’s get on to some hockey talk (kinda)…

–If Roberto Luongo’s mind is as fragile as I believe it to be, how is he coping with the possibility of his mega-contract getting tossed out? I don’t care how much money you have or what reassuring words you’ve been told by management, when both the security and the $60 million you thought you had are being messed with, it can’t be all that pleasant.

Personally, I’d be a nervous wreck. Heck, even if the money was in my account, I’d still be a nervous wreck fearing someone would steal it. I don’t need or want that kind of stress (lie). I have enough sleepless nights worrying about small things like the monthly bills (not a lie). I can’t even imagine how I’d get any sleep knowing that some crooked bank teller could, at any moment, siphon millions of my dollars to some Eastern Bloc country. Yeah, I’d go straight-up Howard Hughes crazy.

Sign changed to: "Niemi Has No Balls"

–Sharks fans must be happy now that Antti Niemi is on board. I don’t really know how the move benefits Niemi though.

I assume the arbitration hearing (or as I like to call it: “reasons why you suck hearing”) and the subsequent dumping created hard feelings, which caused him to overlook any deficiencies in his new partner just so he could show-up his old partner.

Sort of like when you’re in your early 20’s and your ex-girlfriend dumps you after telling you how awful you are. Naturally, you go find the hottest girl you can just to show ‘em. In that situation, you tend to overlook certain things in your new partner… things like the rumors going around town that she’s a stripper, has a few addictions and is straight-up crazy. You don’t care about these things ’cause she’s a Presidents’ Trophy contender hot.

But eventually, like say when you’re at some strip club three towns over on a Tuesday night conversing with a 50-year-old man who’s missing a few teeth and wants to know what it’s like to hit that (“that” being your new mate who is dancing on stage), you start to rethink your life choices and eventually you get your mind straight.

Anyways, I don’t know if the Niemi thing is like that or not but it’ll be interesting to see how his career plays out from here.

–I want to do a season preview but I don’t think I have it in me to do team-by-team previews (30 posts). I’m thinking I’ll do a reverse ranking preview with 5 teams per post (so first post would be ranking teams 30 to 25). That will not only ease my workload but also allow me to make some ridiculous predictions and piss off a few people.

So yeah, get ready for team #30, the Tampa Bay Lightning, as I continue to hate on Steve Yzerman for no reason at all.

That’s a joke. They’ll actually be #29.

–If you’re excited for this, keep in mind that I’ll probably get lazy and stop after I get to team #23. So really, this “season preview feature” will just consist of 1.5 posts. HA! In your face, enthusiastic readers!

–If you’re a blogger and want to get accreditation, here’s a pretty good read by The Goalie Guild on the subject.

The chances of BoF getting accredited are about the same as that stripper in the story above becoming “marriage material”, but I did take away one point which I can use on BoF…

What is your own mission statement? Do you make it very clear that you are committed to covering your team in a professional and informative way? Or do you just randomly post sarcastic, sometimes derisive posts about the players and the way the team performs on the ice?

This got me thinking: what is the BoF mission statement?  After a few minutes, I came up with this gem:

ALWAYS. ACT. LIKE. A. JACKASS. (but do it in a good-natured way rather than an internet warrior way).

There you have it!

Close seconds…

Grammar: overrated like Jaroslav Halak; Facts: pffft, up yours!

and

It is my duty and that of this blog to show the world that I know more about hockey than Steve Yzerman and I shall not stop until the world acknowledges the fact that Yzerman is a fraud who has put a spell on the entire hockey media. Nothing you see on TV or read about, outside of this blog, which relates to the Lightning can be trusted. Ever. (Especially should stories or images come out next June that Tampa Bay has won the Stanley Cup.)

–As you’ve pretty much gathered from this post, there isn’t much in the way of hockey that I want to talk about. The Ilya Kovalchuk story is about as fun to write about at this point as I imagine the Coyotes story was last summer. So nah, not happening here.

–Speaking of the Coyotes, I must say that I wasn’t surprised that Ice Edge couldn’t close. When they set up their Twitter account and were joking around on it and acting like I would if I were put in such a situation, that pretty much told me they couldn’t be taken seriously.

–BizNasty is back on Twitter! Thanks to Justin Bourne for the heads up on that.

–A couple things regarding the site…

• I am going to formally adapt the moniker “Blades” from now on. This nickname was given to me by Kevin, so according to Man Rule #127 (which states that a man’s nickname can only be given to him by another man), it’s all kosher and on the up-and-up.
• I am going to play around with the site a bit and try to put in some more ads. This is on the request of my wife that I bring in more of that Google cash which she can then turn into cosmetics. *shrug*

–That’s all for today. I would apologize for the lack of actual hockey content in this post but I think you should be thanking me for not talking about the CBA and Ilya. So you’re welcome!

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter. I haven’t tweeted much the last week, yet I still gained followers. That’s in contrast to when I do post frequently and end up losing followers. Weird, huh?

No intro to this today. Instead, get ready to laugh your butt off at my expense…

–Rink Side Rants – You know what’s really hard? Talking on the radio. I kid you not, I shall never ever in my life make fun of anybody who says something dumb on the radio.

If you’re curious as to why I’m making such a proclamation, this link will take you to my podcasting debut and let me tell you, it’s just one big pile of awkwardness. A grown man in his 30’s should never use the words “like” and “and that” and “right?” back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back in every sentence. But that’s one of the side effects when you ramble on in order to stall for time because you’re nervous and your mind is a blank. Surprisingly, a panic attack is not conducive to articulating things and getting your thoughts in order.

It was a blur, man. I refuse to listen to the first 10 minutes of the show as I think I broke down laughing at one point and frankly, I don’t want to relive that again!

In my defense, it was my first time and two things really threw me off at first: 1) talking into dead air felt really weird, and 2) unlike a real life conversation dynamic, you have to stop talking for a couple seconds so the others now you’re done before they jump in. This is something brand new to me as I’m used to my wife jumping in and cutting me off before I can finish any point I’m trying to make. Now I know why she does it! This would also explain why at the beginning I rambled on and on about Kovalchuk, repeating the same point, and from god-know-where came up with a $150m contract offer. Lol! But yeah, I think I settled in as the show progressed (right? right? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST AGREE!!!). I’m pretty sure if I do 25 more shows like this, I won’t sound like I *just* escaped from a mental hospital. Hahaha.

Anyhoo, thanks to Tim from Sabres Noise and Frank from The Rat Trick for having me. If I did one thing for their show, it’s that I made them sound like seasoned pros!

–Funny story about the podcast:

I told my wife about it earlier in the week and didn’t make it seem like a big deal. Y’know, being the pro that I am.

After the show was over, I went upstairs and she asked me how it went. I just looked at her and broke down laughing. Then she started laughing. We both laughed for like a good hour.

–If you’re laughing right now, you’re a jerk!

–Puck Daddy – This piece started a huge debate about bloggers getting accreditation. I actually prefer if the bloggers I follow are independent and 100% free to express their opinions without any accountability to the entity which they are talking about. That’s the biggest thing which differentiates blogs from the rest of the mainstream media, in my opinion.

Now, don’t take that to mean that I think bloggers don’t have accountability because they do. Their readers hold them accountable and the ones who go off the deep end are quickly weeded out (like for example:  if some jackass blogger does a podcast and sounds like an idiot, you’d never read his blog again, right?).

–Whatever your opinion on this topic, you’ve got to really admire someone like Greg Wyshynski (Puck Daddy), who straddles the blogger/mainstream line while being respected by both sides and maintaining his edge, humor and unbridled opinion. That’s a hard thing to pull off. It’s even harder to pull off when you’re a blogger in a bubble covering a specific team.

–Cowhide and Rubber – Kyle also wrote a great piece on the old media vs. new media thing. The canned quotes you get from players before and after the game don’t really add much to the conversation, yet they’re probably the biggest thing that old media has over new media (the ability to get them first). In reality, 95% of the time those quotes don’t matter. What matters is a writer’s opinion and unique insight, which many times an accredited member of the media may possess but, for one reason or another, can’t share.

–You’re still laughing at the podcast? YOU BASTARD!

–The Rat Trick – The Florida Panthers are going with a “party” theme this season; complete with a party supply company sponsorship, which is the reason for this festive decor in the arena:

Clearly, this was inspired by decorations used for the school dance I attended when I was in the 8th grade. Ah yes, that fateful 8th grade dance. To think the podcast almost dethroned it as my life’s most awkward moment. Almost, but not quite.

–Stay Classy – Kevin looks at some of the significant points of the RDO Camp held last week and how they pertain to the prospects who where used as guinea pigs. An excerpt…

The New York Islanders intend to hire Mike Milbury to serve as a special advisor to their scouting team during the event. The Islanders staff will ask Milbury who he would trade in order to rank the top talent.

–Down Goes Brown - DGB has a behind-the-scenes look at Brian Burke’s day as he tries to move Kaberele before his NTC kicks in. An excerpt…

5:25 p.m. – The Detroit Red Wings express some interest in acquiring Kaberle, but eventually decide that now isn’t the time for a youth movement.

–Intent To Blow – Kovy signs, Devils submit same contract with birth certificate claiming he is 4 years younger. I can see this actually happening in the KHL.

–Discard What You Don’t Need -  Jason takes a look at EA Sport’s NHL 11 demo, complete with funny commentary.

–I’m just rattling these off in rapid-fire style so I can go find a cave and just chill while your laughter subsides. YOU BASTARD!

–Habs Laughs – They found Pierre Gauthier’s Blackberry and are now posting excerpts of what’s on it. Like this one, which features Pierre informing Sergei Kostitsyn he’s been traded…

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Good news Sergei! We’re trading you!

Text from: 514-747-7474- Sergei K
Da?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
What?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
I trade?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Yes! I e-mailed like 50 teams and I managed to squeeze Dustin Boyd an

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
What?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
D Dan Ellis from Nashville! You’re heading to Nashville!

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
That first one wasn’t finished did you get the second one?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Ver is Nahville?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Why are you texting with an accent?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
I trade? Yes?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
YES! To Nashville. For Dustin Boyd and Dan Ellis.

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Dey not superstars. I worth more. You lose.

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
No Sergei…I win.

Okay, that’s all for today! Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter. Oh, and if any of you know someone who specializes in hacking online radio companies and erasing podcasts, I may be interested in speaking to such a person. Have a good weekend.  I’m off to enroll in broadcasting school.

Just a heads up: this post is set to auto-publish on Friday morning as I’m off on a weekend trip with the family (broadcasting classes don’t start until Monday). Thus, don’t think I’m ignoring you in the comments. I’ll be back Sunday night to check in.

BoF Exclusive: Willie takes to the ice on Aug. 24th to prove he can still skate.

Maybe I’ve been inspired by Down Goes Brown’s ability to churn out high quality posts in a high pressure journalistic situation IN FREAKIN’ AUGUST! Or maybe, I just stopped smoking pot this week (kidding…why would I stop?). Whatever the case may be, here’s another post to keep my name in lights!

This is a new feature! Its tentative title is “Added Quotes” and consists of me taking actual quotes and then adding an extra sentence or two.

Let’s try a sample run. Quotes are by Willie Mitchell, taken from this Province article.

Actual Quote: “Who’s kidding who? Everyone knows I love playing in Vancouver”
Added: “But everyone knows Los Angeles has better weather, hotter women and a coach that I don’t despise with all my heart.”

Actual Quote: “The economics of the game got in the way of a lot of things”
Added: “That’s why I had to try my best to trick a team into believing the whole concussion thing is no longer a problem.”

Actual Quote: “Did the Vancouver Canucks or Willie Mitchell foresee me getting hit on Jan. 16 and this happening? No, we all didn’t.”
Added:: “It’s always hard to foresee getting cheap-shotted. In hindsight, though, you always have to be prepared for a cheap shot when there’s a Russian on the ice”

Actual Quote: [On wondering if he'd ever be back] “I’d be lying to anyone if I said I didn’t feel that for a little bit.”
Added: “Especially when that bastard Gillis wouldn’t return my phone calls until I could leave a coherent voice mail message.”

Actual Quote: “But then you start gradually getting better and you see that carrot and that light at the end of the tunnel.”
Added: “Then that carrot turns into $7 million and you’re like, ‘OK, things are back.’”

Actual Quote: “You talk to anyone who has been through that experience like me and, of course, you have that thought run through your mind for a little bit.”
Added: “Especially when you can’t understand what the other guy is mumbling over the phone.”

Actual Quote: “But negative energy can kill you.”
Added: “You know what else can kill you? That bastard f*ck Malkin.”

Actual Quote: “I think I’ve gotten better as a player, especially in years three and four in Vancouver. I started evolving my game.”
Added: “Once, I actually crossed into the offensive zone in a game. It was surreal.”

Actual Quote: “I started to become a better offensive player.”
Added: “Sorry, disregard the last sentence, that’s just my post-concussion thing acting up again.”

Actual Quote: “I’m looking forward to going to a team which, I get the feeling, is really passionate about having me there.”
Added: “As opposed to the Canucks, who didn’t really give a rats ass about me until Salo got hurt.”

Actual Quote: “They are a good young team maybe following in the footsteps of Chicago.”
Added: “I look forward to us tormenting the Vancouver organization like the Blackhawks did the last two years.”

There you have it!

Reminders:

This Thursday at 9pm EST – hear me talk nonsense as a guest on Rink Side Rants.

@bladesoffunny – if you prefer to read nonsense, follow me on Twitter.

RSS Feed – if you’re an advanced geek who uses an RSS reader, you can add the BoF feed.

Makes you think...

Since there’s nothing going on in the hockey world, I thought I’d share this funny experience I had yesterday.

It all started when I was checking recent referrals to the site (which reminds me: big shout out to Stay Classy, Puck Daddy, The Rat Trick, Die By The Blade and Discard What You Don’t Need!). Anyhoo, I also came across a message board which was sending some visitors my way. Being the curious fellow that I am, I clicked on over to see what’s up, and while the page was loading, I was greeted by the title “THE WORST HOCKEY HUMOR SITE ON THE INTERNET”. The all-caps meant this was quite serious. Uh-oh.

But surely, I thought to myself, someone probably just dropped my link as a nomination for that honor.

Nope.

I was the headliner. Behold…

The post went on to bash my latest fantasy hockey post and others chimed in as well.

While the response to BoF has been overwhelmingly positive, the addition of passionate hating means I’ve finally arrived on the internet, right? … right? … anybody?

Now, I’ve been married for 7 years; I can take a bashing and verbal beatdown with the best of them. Thus, I created an account on the forum and posted the following to poke fun at myself…

Which was greeted by this post from someone who I would later learn is a moderator (more on this later)…

“???,” I thought to myself. Did I just mistakenly issue a challenge for a duel?

Oh damn! It wasn’t a duel. It was a “showdown”.

Being the non-combative type, I decided to clear up any misconceptions that I was there for a fight to the death. So I posted the following…

I came back a few minutes later to find two things…

1) I noticed that my post was edited by “HFPM” with the message “needs more commas, champ”. I don’t know much about internet message board culture, but I think this is how a person tells the new guy he is a forum moderator, and thus an alpha male of the community.

2) A poem…

At this point, I realized that these weren’t haters but rather people whose humor doesn’t match mine.  I vanished into the night…

But yeah, the board did send some hits my way and also inspired this post. So to return the favor, check them out! …  just make sure you’re ready to throwdown!

Some spammage…

This Thursday at 9pm est. – hear me talk nonsense as a guest on Rink Side Rants.

@bladesoffunny – if you prefer to read nonsense, follow me on Twitter.

RSS Feed – if you’re an advanced geek who uses an RSS reader, you can add the BoF feed. Unless, of course, the Gizmodo feed keeps you busy enough as is.

With September just around the corner, it’s time to create a strategy for your upcoming fantasy hockey draft. Here are some tips to get your started…

"What you say about Steve Mason, bi*ch?" - Tuukka

• If you decide to draft Tuukka Rask, be prepared for the inevitable “Steve Mason” references from the gallery. Shut ‘em up quickly with a sarcastic “because playing behind Chara is just like playing behind Fedor Tyutin, right?”
• Be sure to bump Kris Versteeg up on your draft cheat sheet. His numbers are set to rise because he’ll finally be able to get a good night’s sleep as opposed to staying out until the wee hours of the morning playing the role of Patrick Kane’s wingman.
• If you draft Roberto Luongo, be sure to also use a late-round pick on backup Cory Schneider, and another one on farm team starter Tyler Weiman, and yet another one on farm team backup Eddie Lack. Remember, Keith Ballard is now on the Canucks.
• While it’s alright to draft a couple aging players with the hope that you can squeeze one more good year out of them, it’s never a good strategy to have your whole roster consist of these types. You can avoid getting yourself in this predicament by sticking a post-it on your monitor with the following rule written on it: Do Not Draft Any Red Wings.
• If your league counts penalty minutes, it’s not a bad idea to use a late pick on a goon who will rack up the PIMs. Most of them will still be around in the last round so don’t overpay, otherwise you’ll be known in your league as “Mr. Sather”.
• It’s always nice to gain added flexibility by drafting players who are dual-position eligible. For example, Dustin Byfuglien is a forward who slots in as a defenseman in some games, thus making him eligible at both positions. Another example would be Mike Green, although for some reason the powers that be never update his position in the main computer.
• If you’re playing with a new group of guys who don’t know each other very well and you sense the draft atmosphere is kinda cold, I suggest you draft Evander Kane with your next pick. The jubilation and applause that follows will surely break the ice.
• Contrary to what you’ve been hearing from the media all summer, a great manager does not go into a season with Mike Smith and Dan Ellis as his two goalies.


Dan Ellis wants to the world to know he's a specialist, just like Paris Hilton.

• Speaking of Dan Ellis, should you draft him, try to refrain from calling yourself a “fantasy specialist” right after the selection. Doing so will just force you to explain the whole Ellis Twitter debacle and in turn make you look like one giant geek in front of the whole league. (If you need clarification on what the hell I’m talking about, reference the 2nd paragraph in this link — see, I look like one giant geek now, right?)
• If you’re about to select Tomas Kaberle with the intention of trading him to another manager after the draft ends, you should probably rethink that pick.
• If during your draft you notice some of the other managers are writers for the Toronto Sun, try to make them feel at home by changing the league’s language setting to Czechoslovakian. Howver, be sure to keep an eye on them ’cause they may try to do something unethical like trading amongst each other to form one “super team”.
• Don’t get too emotional with your roster. If you let your emotions run wild, you’ll end up dropping a player who messed your team up, only to pick him up again a few months later with the expectation of a different result . That’s sheer lunacy.
• Don’t draft Alex Tanguay. Especially if you’ve been burned by him before.
• Oh, and don’t ever trade one good player (who may or may not have a celebrity girlfriend) for a package of lesser-skilled players.
• But don’t worry too much about the last three things. They’ll only spell your team’s downfall if you make all three mistakes in the course of one calendar year and surely nobody on this planet would ever be that dumb.
• Lastly, since all fantasy leagues end in the regular season, it’s okay for you to draft Russian-born players.

Hopefully this list will serve you well… good luck, my friends!

For those still reading, I’ll be a guest on Rink Side Rants this coming Thursday at 9pm est.  Yup, this will be my podcasting debut so if you want to hear some lame attempts at humor and just overall awkwardness which will make you cringe, do tune in.

You can also follow me on Twitter, where the push for 1000 followers is gaining steam.