Bold And Fearless Second Round Predictions

Blades of Funny went  4-4  predicting the 1st round. While this is my best record to date, one can’t help but wonder what could have been. Some miracles are just too hard to predict. Like the #8 Habs upsetting the #1 Caps;  the San Jose Sharks winning a round; or Brian Boucher stopping more than 50% of shots he faces. But that is why Vegas makes billions (well, it used to anyways), while I keep having to endure bloody back alley beatings.

Here are the 2nd round predictions which I’m willing to bet the house on. Hopefully, my landlord will allow me to do so.

Boston vs. Philadelphia

This series becomes the most watched hockey event in US history, thanks largely to Scott Hartnell’s and Dan Carcillo’s off-ice antics. Their WWE-style shenanigans bring in eyeballs by the bushel. Even ESPN leads with footage of players arriving\departing the arena as that is the hotbed for Hartnel’s and Carcillo’s ambush attacks on unsuspecting Bruins. The fun cames to an end after Game 5, when a limo driven by Carcillo rus over a nervous looking Marc Savard as he leaves the arena. Carcillo receives a $2500 fine and a 1-game suspension. Savard dies from his injuries.

On the ice, fans can see that the 1st round success has gone to Brian Boucher’s head. One game, in an attempt to showoff his new-found awesomeness, he plays blindfolded. In another game, he plays with only one pad; claiming it will become the latest fashion craze called boosh-style. Despite all this, the Bruins can’t score (largely due to Mark Recchi developing arthritis midway through Game 2). The Flyers pull out a 4-2 series victory.

Montreal vs. Pittsburgh

Jaroslav Halak starts shaky and by Game 3,  Habs fans are booing him relentlessly. Jacques Martin ponders starting Carey Price in Game 4, but decides against it. The Penguins end up sweeping the series.

Stunned Montreal fans and media wonder what happened to Halak. Their questions are finally answered a few days later by the man himself. Halak is quoted, “In order to perform my best, I need to be fueled by anger. With Carey not stealing a start from me in over 5 games, I just felt too comfortable.”

Vancouver vs. Chicago

The swagger quotient in this series is so high that at one point viewers think they are watching an on-ice rendition of The Outsiders. Many wonder how two teams who have won so little (nothing) can come off as cocky as these players do .

Kevin Bieksa throws cigarette butts at ‘Hawks players between faceoffs.

Kris Versteeg sports Dolce & Gabbana shades throughout the series.

Shane O’Brien keeps a flask filled with whiskey on the bench, which many thought contributes to his violent assault on Rick Bowness in Game 4.

Patrick Kane takes up chewing tobacco and keeps spitting it at Alex Burrows.

Ryan Kesler responds to every media question about a ‘Hawks player with just the word “coward”,  he is knocked out for good in Game 5 by Andrew Ladd.

Dustin Byfuglien spends the whole series chillin’ and smokin’ from a Hookah in Luongo’s crease.

In the end, it’s the Canucks who prevail in 7 games, leading the City of Vancouver to proclaim Canucks Day as a statutory holiday in British Columbia.

Detroit vs. San Jose

Ah, yes, the series which features the team everyone is tired of seeing in the playoffs vs. the team everyone is tired of hearing about in the regular season.

This series takes a strange turn after Game 4. With the teams tied 2-2, Nicklas Lidstrom shocks the world by announcing that he has negotiated the Red Wings’ surrender. Here is an excerpt from the Q&A portion of Lidstrom’s press conference:

Reporter #1: Why would you do this?
Lidstrom: After going 7 in the first round and being tied after 4 in this one, I just felt like our team had enough of this grind. We’re not spring chickens anymore and the prospect of another long playoff run didn’t appeal to us.
Reporter #2: When did you know that this was going to happen?
Lidstrom: Me and Raffy were sitting on the bench in Game 3, we were looking at Joe Thronton out there on the ice. We saw how hard he was trying to pretend like he cared. We both kind of looked at each other, and I said to Raffy that I don’t ever want to become THAT guy.
Reporter #3: So the series is over?
Lidstrom: Well, we still have to play the games to make it official, but there will be no hitting and we’ll let the Sharks win the remaining two games.
Reporter #4: What about this clause which states Zetterberg must be credited with a hat trick in the remaining games?
Lidstrom: Oh that, yeah, we felt bad for our fans about this whole surrender thing, but giving Z the hat trick allows our fans to get free curly fries, which is like our thank you gift to them. And besides, these days they seem to get more excited over the Arby’s promo than even a Cup win.

Joe Thornton, who as one of the alternate captains was part of the contingent negotiating the deal, has this to say: “It just feels good to finally contribute something to a Sharks’ playoff victory.”

Twitter

The Blades of Funny Twitter stream made for good laughs last night. Sadly, those laughs were at me and not with me like they usually are (right?).

It all happened after I had a little too much beer in my system (one bottle). As you will see, things got real cooky real fast…

I probably should have called it quits after this tweet:

Yup, that is a Canucks hashtag in a message regarding Hal Gill.

Why, you ask?

(That’s not me in that picture, I would never wear a green bracelet.)

Then I came up with this clever tweet:

Get it? Because he won’t have to deal with the anxiety of facing Matt Cooke again. It’s like a joke based on psychology stuff. Funny, no? … Anyone? … COME ON PEOPLE @#^$!!!!

That tweet did elicit a response from my fellow tweeters:

Sooooo yeah, turns out I didn’t factor in all the angles on that one…what can you do?