July 13th, 2010

To: Dan Gilbert
Cleveland Cavaliers
Cleveland, OH

Dearest Dan Gilbert,

I am writing this letter to offer you my fullest support in light of what has transpired the past week. If you are unfamiliar with me, I am commissioner of the National Hockey League. You may have heard about our organization before.

After reading your heartfelt letter addressing the fans of the Cleveland Cavaliers, I can tell that you are a man of principle; a man who values loyalty and doing what’s right above all else.

You and I share these things in common, Mr. Gilbert.

I for one have been fighting the fight of my life to save the Phoenix Coyotes from pulling a LeBron of their own. Evil men have been trying to lure the team away from its roots in Arizona. Some have even wanted to replant the franchise in Winnipeg.  I’m sure you’d agree that such a move would be an egregious act to lay on the loyal hockey fans in Phoenix.

I’m certain that as a fellow human being who values doing what’s right over money and common sense, you will jump at the opportunity to correct this injustice.

With this in mind, I am offering you an opportunity to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes. You, my good sir, can continue your crusade for justice in sports by taking the role of white knight in the Phoenix hockey community.

Here are a few selling points on why hockey is the sport for you:

• Self-promotion is a vice that we have never suffered from. To demonstrate this, we are fully prepared to bar our players from further participation in the Olympic Winter Games.
  
• You’ll never have to worry about any of our athletes appearing on ESPN. If they do choose to appear on a network, it’ll be Versus, and if they appear on Versus, do they REALLY appear? I think you and I both know the answer to that one.
• As you’ll find out when you become an NHL owner, the use of wacky fonts in correspondence is very commonplace. BRIAN BURKE LOVES USING THE “IMPACT” FONT. Glen Sather always uses “Broadway BT”. And then there’s Darryl Sutter who just communicates by drawing stuff…



• Do you hate it when one of your restricted free agents gets an offer sheet? You don’t have to worry about that in our game. Which reminds me, I need to make a phone call to Doug Wilson after I finish up here.
  
• Jesse Jackson has never once voiced his displeasure with the NHL. Not because we have very few African-American athletes, but rather because our league just doesn’t provide enough of a public platform for him to bother us.
• The only vocal person you should be concerned with in our game is Don Cherry. If you do get on his bad side, however, just make a joke about French-Canadians or Europeans and you’ll be fine.

You have given so much and deserve much more than the sport of basketball has given you, Mr. Gilbert. If you buy the Phoenix Coyotes and join our hockey family…

I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE PHOENIX COYOTES WILL WIN THE STANLEY CUP

You can take it to the bank. Just ask the hockey fans in Vancouver or Detroit, I have the power to make things happen.

So how about it, Mr. Gilbert? Can I call you Danny, btw?

Let’s put an end to narcissism and shameful actions in the sports world togehter.

Signed,
Gary B. Bettman
Commissioner, National Hockey League

P.S.  In your letter you wrote:

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

This is news to me. Can you please clarify. Call me:  1-800-GARY-BETTS.

Many of you may not know this, but there is a top-secret scouting organization whose membership is comprised of retired Israeli Special Forces operatives and ninjas. This secret organization is highly skilled at assessing the psychological shortcomings of hockey players, as well as their on-the-ice deficiencies. We’ve learned that there are a couple teams in the NHL that pony up the millions in cash that is required for this group’s top-secret scouting reports.

We cannot tell you how we were able to get our hands on this latest report, but rest assured that none of us working here at Blades of Funny headquarters are allowed to go down into the basement for the next three months. All we can speak on the subject is that we saw someone who appeared to be Darryl Sutter, leading someone who appeared to be Jay Bouwmeester (only with a burlap bag over his head), into what he playfully called the “I’ll teach you to make a sucker out of me” room.

Western Conference

San Jose Sharks – Deploy a covert operation inside their dressing room which involves equipping every stall with a calendar that prominently tells the subject it is the month of April.

Credit: KurtenBlog.com

Chicago Blackhawks – Set up intelligence officers outside their team hotel. Four hours prior to game-time have your men slash the tires of their team bus.  This will force the subjects to take either a cab or limousine to the game, thereby ensuring that several members of the team will be in no state of mind to concentrate on the game. Better yet, some may not even arrive at the arena after becoming distracted by random puck bunnies. * Should you be playing this team in the Stanley Cup Finals, before putting this plan into effect, make sure that Marian Hossa has a secure mode of transportation arranged to the arena.

Vancouver Canucks – While this may go against your gut instinct, it is essential that you spot this team a 1 or 2 goal lead late in the 3rd period. Subjects have been known to be unable to respond to such a scenario.  This is especially true for the subject who wears jersey #1.

Phoenix Coyotes – In order to have any chance of victory, you must warn everyone in your organization to not get within 2 feet of any subject wearing a jersey with the emblem of a howling coyote head. Failure to do so will result in unlimited powerplays against. Also, due to recent developments, having rattlesnake bite antidote on hand is the wise thing to do.

Nashville Predators – A report on this team will require a membership upgrade due to our employees having to pay a special “scout tax” to enter and watch games held at venues inside this state.

Detroit Red Wings – Step 1: plant propaganda stories in the papers that go on and on about what a “money” goaltender Chris Osgood has been in the playoffs. Step 2: plant propaganda stories in the papers that paint Mike Babcock as a genius for switching goalies in the middle of the Olympics.  Step 3: enjoy facing Chris Osgood.

Credit: Canadiens.com

Los Angeles Kings – Not much is known about this squad because  they have not participated in post-season hockey since the days of Jason Allison and Zigmund Palffy ruling the NHL.  We did learn that in the past,  however, calling for stick measurements has been known to work against this team… because they are a bunch of cheaters.

Colorado Avalanche – In order to win against Colorado, you must neutralize Joe Sakic and Peter Forbserg. Getting traffic in front of Patrick Roy is also a crucial key to victory. Syke! We’ve been too busy fooling around with our hot tub time machine to do a report on the current Avs. But don’t worry about this team, they’re in way over their heads… this year.

Eastern Conference

Washington Capitals – To gain an edge on this team, study film of the February 24th Olympic game between Canada and Russia. Formulate the same strategy that the team in the white jerseys used against the team in the red ones.

New Jersey Devils – Leave an envelope containing plane tickets to Hawaii and a list of tee times for the state’s finest golf courses outside Ilya Kovalchuk’s room. His predisposed instincts will take over and nobody in the Devils organization will be able to find him for a good week.

Buffalo Sabres – We’re sorry to inform you that we have been unable to gather any intelligence on this team.  This is because the Ontario-based scout assigned to cover this team traded in his tickets in hopes of snagging seats for the new Hamilton franchise. He was last seen standing outside Copps Coliseum, wearing a faded “make it seven” t-shirt, texting away feverishly on his blackberry about what what he plans to do to Gary Bettman and how big of an idiot  Judge T. Baum is. Recent reports that our scout has been seen flying in and out of Atlanta have not been confirmed.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Prior to puck-drop, have your captain skate over to Marc-Andre Fleury and whisper the following in his ear: “I’m so glad that your hard work and dedication were rewarded with a well-deserved Olympic gold medal.” Subject will spend the rest of the series distracted as he tries to figure out if your captain was serious or just a sarcastic a-hole.

Ottawa Senators – Prior to game 1 of the series, kidnap Jason Spezza and transport him to the nearest comedy club. This will result in him choking on his own laughter and leave the rest of the organization in no mood to play hockey.

Credit: FromTheRink.com

Montreal Canadiens – Let agent Allan Walsh know that you’ve heard rumors that Carey Price has been strutting around the Canadiens dressing room like he owns the place, bragging to everyone who will listen that he will get all the playoff starts. This will surely result in an off-ice incident that will distract the franchise. If you really want to up the distraction ante, drop some rumors about the City of Montreal cracking down on organized crime.

Philadelphia Flyers – Shoot the puck on goal. Our computer analysis has informed us that if you do this, there is a 33% chance it will go in. This has proven to work time and time again, and should work again unless John Tortorella is choosing your lineup.

Boston Bruins – If you are able to locate the subject on this team who is an offensive threat (we have been able to find this person), send out one of your fourth-liners to take him out with a headshot. After a quick fight with Shawn Thornton, you are guaranteed that none of your players will be touched for the remainder of the series.

If you enjoyed this post, the only thing left for you to do is follow Blades of Funny on twitter. Tonight, I’ll be on that machine celebrating the fact that Toronto finally won something meaningful this season… the draft lottery!

Credit: TotalPhoto.ca

With the regular season near its end, the NHL community is on pins and needles eagerly awaiting the start of the playoffs Brian Burke’s state of the union address to Leafs Nation.

This annual press conference has already surpassed Easter as the most anticipated April tradition in Toronto and we can only imagine it will become even grander in scale over the next decade.

Through some janitorial sources working deep inside the bowels of MLSE, we here at Blades of Funny have managed to get our hands on a rough first-draft of Burke’s speech.

Keep in mind that this is a very raw copy that has yet to be revised by a group lawyers sitting in front of Harold Ballard’s tomb. (Just saying that things may be changed around by the time Burkie takes the podium).

For the sake of everyone involved — we don’t want to see anyone lose their job over this — please keep this on the down low.

Dear Maple Leafs Nation,

Before I start I want it to be perfectly clear that what I am about to say is to the fans and not to the media. I do not care one iota if the media is in this room listening to me or not. This is about the fans and not the media. I could care less about the media and what they think. Are we clear? Okay then.

//fix tie

Oh and before I forget, for those of you in the media that would like the schedule 1-on-1 interviews after this presser, I am available for those anytime from today until the season starts. Now let me say what I came here to say.

//take sip of water

I stand before you today on this somber day which represents failure. I am not happy. My teams have made the playoffs 7 years in a row, not counting this one and the one prior.

//angry glare

My butt is burning and I feel like I have been kicked in the groin for two long years. I cannot stress enough how messed up below the belt I am right now.

//look of digust

Listen, I take this very professionally personal (what?) so I’m sorry if I’m not more cheerful about the news that broke today about Jonas Gustavsson going 8 days in a row without a heart attack.

//death stare into camera

I want to let you know right now that losing will not be tolerated and that we will make the playoffs next season.

//angry glare

I am now going to share with you my to-do-list for the off-season which will serve as a blueprint for our future success here in Toronto.

//take sip of water

1. The word “truculence” shall be eliminated from our vocabulary until we bump our penalty killing success rate above 75%. If we get over that hump, mark my words,  heads will roll.
2. All players on our roster who do not have a no-trade-clause will be sternly warned that if they do not perform above and beyond the call of duty they will be shipped off to Alberta. And, unlike last summer’s warning, I don’t mean Calgary this time around.
3. The money we are saving by not having any junior scouts on the payroll will be used to hire professional technicians who will scan our dressing room for mold, lead, asbestos, and any other foreign chemical that may be present. With this we’re hoping to get an explanation as to why an individual’s hockey sense/skill becomes impeded when he puts on a Maple Leafs jersey. We will also hire a team of scientists to analyze Lee Stempniak’s discarded garbage outside his Phoenix home to see how it differs chemically from the garbage he left on the ice at the ACC during his time in Toronto.
4. We will do our best to make trades that benefit our hockey team. Look, I have it on good authority that a team on the west coast, I do not want to get into specifics but let’s just say that they play in a city that starts with the letter “V”, is keen on trading away some very good players. Again, I do not want to mention names because that would be very unprofessional and that’s not how I do things. Let’s just say that a set of twins are going to be hitting the market this summer, and let’s leave it at that. Oh and a player who played for me on Team USA is also being shopped around by this team’s GM. Sorry guys, that’s all I can say for now. Sorry for being so vague but I take acting like a professional very seriously.
5. We fully expect Nazem Kadri to make our team next season. Because of this we will be working hard all summer to acclimate Phil Kessel to the possibility that he may have a teammate who will be helping him put the puck in the opposing team’s net. This will be a slow processs as it will be in stark contrast to what he experienced this season.
6. I am going to call up Darryl Sutter and ask about Jarome Iginla. I will let him know that I have more where that came from if he’s game.
7. I am also going to make my annual  phone call to Kevin Lowe where this year I will laugh for 4 minutes and 25 seconds, call him a scoundrel,  and hang-up. I will then enjoy 26 seconds of bliss and savor the moment with a grinch-like smile. 27 seconds after hanging up I will return to normal.
8. With Tomas Kaberle no longer having his no-trade-clause in his back pocket, I will be able to entertain offers for him for the first time during my tenure here in Toronto. I have never even gauged the interest around the league for him because I respect the NTC but I imagine there will be many strong offers presented to me by other GMs. He is an elite-level defenceman who put up 43 points in our first 56 games. I do not have his numbers after 56 games with me but I’m sure those are not important when we are talking about an elite-level defenceman like Tomas. This type of elite-level defenceman does not come up on the market often. When was the last time you saw an elite-level defenceman like Kaberle on the trading block? I have never seen it myself so that speaks volumes about what an elite-level defenceman Tomas Kaberele is.
9. Dion Phaneuf will be asked to cut down the number of days he spends frolicking around on exotic beaches. With any luck we should be able to get him down to under 200 days per year, which will be vast improvement on the 345 days he spent lounging around in 2009. This will hopefully allow Dion enough time to attend practice and other team building functions.
10. And last but not least, the first thing I plan to do after leaving here today is look through my dictionary to find a couple new words that will serve both as a motto for the 2010-11 Maple Leafs and a catch-phrase that I will build the team around.

//death stare into camera

I hope I have made myself clear as to what the future holds for this hockey team.

//take off suit

I want to stress that losing will not be tolerated. I do not enjoy kicks to the groin nor a burning sensation in my butt.

//roll up sleeves

We are the Toronto Maple Leafs.

//fix tie

Mark my words, we will make the playoffs next season.

//death stare into camera

If you enjoyed this post then please follow me on twitter. Twitter followers are like currency for the new generation which works out well for everyone involved except for those of us that need food and shelter in order to survive. Can’t eat a tweet, right?… or can you?… nope, no you can’t. Now if you will please excuse me while I, on a totally unrelated matter,  call my dentist.