"It don't matter what you get, only thing that matters is that you spend a lot!" - Terry Pegula

While it may not have been the strongest UFA class ever, there’s no shame in modeling your spending habits based on what you see in hip hop videos. Like the newest rapper on the scene, you NEEDED some big-ass bling and some flashy 22′s 24′s 38′s.

Who cares if you overspent as long as the “hoes” in your stable look nice and willing. And let me tell you, Christian Ehrhoff is one sexy German. Sure, he may not look as nice after 10 years of marriage, but the upcoming 3-month honeymoon period is going to be sweet. You’ll always have July to September 2011 to look back to during the bad times. The many, many bad times which await.

Hey, it’s all good, Terry Pegula! You’re worth billions!

Dale Tallon wore this shirt on July 1st while listening to Warren G's "I Want It All" all day.

But the King of Bling title surely belongs to another gentleman. One who made it rain on free agents like no one has ever witnessed before. Nothing could stop this man’s made-for-MTV spending spree.

One of the worst contracts in hockey? I’ll take him!

A forward who couldn’t hack it with the Leafs? Versteeg’s our guy!

Blood clots? Bah, give him 4.5!

An aging 35-year-old defenseman with a vast injury history? Lock him up for 4 years at over 4 million per!

He doubled his previous career-high? I want him!

Oh, his career-high prior to last year was only 21 points? Don’t matter, we already signed him.

Surely, not Bergenheim? Oh, hell yeah Bergenheim! Why keep guys like Grabner or Bergfors around on the cheap when I could spend on B-E-R-G-E-N-H-E-I-M.

What about our goalie, sir? We don’t need one of the best, we’ll go with Theordore and Clemmensen and spend our money on the rest.

Hey, it’s all good, Dale Tallon! At least in your old age you’ll have some familiar faces around to comfort you.

"Welcome to Columbus, Mr. Wisniewski"

While Mr. Tallon had the quantity, it took a “special” person to be able to achieve what he did in one quick flash. And it was done by you. You took it upon yourself and decided to anoint this defenseman The Chosen One. The man who would save your team’s atrocious power play and, in turn, your job.

You opened up the Scrooge McDuck vault and let this 27-year-old stud dive into your golden money pit for 6 years. After all, you had extra cash lying around after buying out that overpriced defenseman Commodore. Sheesh, what a bad investment that guy turned out to be, eh? But this new piece is different. He’s an offensive dynamo. A 50+ point getter… last season… the only season… where he played on two teams… three since 2010.

Bah, they don’t know what you know. They aren’t… Columbus.

Hey, it’s all good, Scott Howson. I hear Wiz sucks a mean…

Two rivals face elimination on the next episode of GM Apprentice. "I may have signed Khabibulin but at least I didn't trade a top 5 pick away like this guy." - Tambo "*chuckle* Where am I? What is this? *chuckle*" - Shermanator

Which brings me to the Mike Milbury Achievement In Trading Excellence Award winner.

You were the shrewd cat who not only possibly cemented your goaltending situation for upcoming season  — and I use the word “possibly” only because I’m not quite sure if Giguere’s health will hold up — but you’re also well on your way to kicking that pesky gambling high addiction you developed after attending this April’s draft lottery.

Oh, and you also got this Semyon Varlamov kid who, depending on who you ask, was either second or third on the Capitals’ goalie depth chart. Best thing about him, however, is he signed a two-year contract so he won’t skip out to the KHL like many feared. At least not for the next two years. Maybe. Never know with these Russians, they live by their own rules. They’re like the Clint Eastwoods of the league, doing as they please, not giving a damn. Gotta admire that. Unless you’re a GM and you just traded a bet your ass it will be how the f*ck could it not be, look at your team! potential top 5 pick for one. Umm, yeah.

Wait, just read that Joe Sakic called him “an elite goaltender.”  Can’t argue with Joe.

So you got “an elite goaltender” and all you gave up was a nobody in their right mind would be dumb enough to trade potential top 5 pick.

Shrewd.

Hey, it’s all good, Shermanator! Even when it really, really is not.

Follow along on Twitter.

Quick playoff prediction post before I go back to reading the thoughts of 68% of our population who think it’s a good idea to take civil liberties away and/or feel that “saving” women from “oppression” by mandating what they cannot wear is not the least bit hypocritical. On the bright side, the poll was at 76% “yes” on Monday so at least SOME sanity is being restored. //end rant

Here is my playoff bracket (I’d be shocked if I’m wrong because these things are never wrong):

West:

1st Round:

Vancouver over Chicago in 7
San Jose over LA in 6
Phoenix over Detroit in 6
Nashville over Anaheim in 5

I’m stoked to see the ‘Nucks/’Hawks again. If I were Quenneville, I’d call up Kyle Beach and have him do his best Dustin Byfuglien impression in front of Luongo. Hard to go against Vancouver, though, especially since Chicago couldn’t even close when they had to.

I like Phoenix over Detroit as the upset pick in the West. I’m sure I’ll get some hate on this from a certain faithful reader!

2nd Round:

Vancouver over Phoenix is 6
Nashville over San Jose in 7

West Final:

Nashville over Vancouver in 6

East

1st Round

Washington over Rangers in 5
Philadelphia over Buffalo in 6
Boston over Montreal in 7
Pittsburgh over Tampa in 5

Not sure I like the fact I’ve picked the top 4 seeds to advance. Buffalo beating Philly seems to be the trendy pick — at least I think it’s the trendy pick from what I could gather — and those hardly ever pan out.

2nd Round:

Washington over Pittsburgh in 6
Philadelphia over Boston in 7

East Final:

Washington over Philly in 6

Stanley Cup

Washington over Nashville in 7

The old adage that a team has to go through tribulations and take their bumps before they can emerge as champion certainly rings true with the Caps right now. So there you have it. Bet the house on the Caps!*

*Don’t really.

I don't know about you, but this fight seems staged to me.

There’s been lots of talk about the violent nature of hockey. This debate has been going on forever… and ever… and ever. It ain’t changing ’cause the players don’t want it to change, period. And really, if the players don’t want things changed, who the f%#k are we to get up on our high horse and whine about it?

I hate staged fights. No matter how innocent or uneventful, I squirm whenever a players gets knocked over into the boards from behind. I hate seeing a player take a puck to his face. I also hate it when cameras show an attractive female fan at the game but pans away too quickly. But that’s part of the sport. It’s the players who take the risk and it’s the players who are putting their health on the line. If they’re fine with it, let them be and enjoy the aspects of the game which you enjoy.

Some on their high horse will say that players need to be saved from themselves. Thankfully, those of us with free will can be saved from reading these ramblings. Hockey is hockey. It’s fast, physical and like any other sport — anything in life, really — it creates its own share of collateral damage. The extent of that damage has to be policed by its participants, not outside forces with their own agenda/morals — *cough* Air Canada *cough*.

I’ll never forget as a kid watching the football game where Mike Utley got paralyzed. I hope I never have to witness something like that in hockey. NBA Contracts. But it can happen at any time. It’s the same as any other profession where a person puts their health on the line, however, athletes are in a position where they can mandate, for the most part, the extent of violence in the game, and if they choose not to, then again, who the f*%k are we to say they’re wrong?

That said, I do have one request I’d like to pass on to the league and its players: DO NOT SCHEDULE GAMES ON MARCH 8TH EVER AGAIN!…

March 8th, 2004 – Moore suffers fractured vertebrae.
March 8th, 2011 – Pacioretty suffers fractured vertebrae

This must have something to do with the moon, the march of the emperor penguins and the gravitational pull on the ice because of global warming. At least that what the scientition in me says!

And last, but certainly not least, I think I found the Matt Cooke of pillow fighting. After spending hours reviewing the photo below, I’ve come to the conclusion that the blonde on the right surely was blindsided by that cheap shot artist on the left. What you say?

Follow BoF on Twttter!

Senile auctioneer Dale Tallon seen here auctioning off his assets to an empty room.

For those of you wondering how much the car repair bill from my last post came to, it was $1500. To raise the cash I had to spend all of February on the street corner turning tricks However, due to “shrinkage” thanks to this awful winter we’re having, I still came up short — at least that’s the excuse I’m sticking to! So now you know why posting has been so light lately.

Here are some thoughts while I bathe the ashamed stench from my body, replacing it with the ashamed stench of a grown man who takes baths.

–Hey, remember the last post where I wrote these brilliant words:

I don’t have much hockey commentary today, but if there was such a thing as being able to buy the Devils stock right now, I’d do it.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had the Devils ranked #4 overall.

–I didn’t participate much on Twitter lately but there were great laughs to be had at the expense of silly reporters on deadline day. Puck Daddy had a great review of all the shenanigans. It’s funny ’cause so many of these media guys take themselves and their jobs so seriously, but in reality they’re just like you and me!

–Speaking of deadline day, let’s talk about the subject of this post: Dale Tallon.

Look, I get the whole “blowing up the team because it sucks and is going nowhere” but besides Niclas Bergfors, Tallon got absolutely nothing in return in this latest fire sale. In fact, if you go back to the Horton and Ballard trades, Tallon really only got Bergfors and two late 1st round picks (used select Nick Njugstad and Quinton Howden). What’s worse is that he’ll probably lose Vokoun for nothing in the summer and still has the Olesz ($3,125,00 untill 2014) and Booth ($4,250,00 until 2015) contracts on the books.

The best trade Tallon made was getting Grabner in the Ballard trade but he then promptly waived Grabner who now has 25 goals and is a +9 (and is used to kill penalties!!!) on Long Island. Hindsight is 20-20 you say, but I voiced this opinion throughout the summer/fall. Grabner is notorious for having crappy training camps so I’m pretty sure Tallon had no clue as to what type of player he was getting in him.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had Tampa Bay ranked #21 overall.

So yeah, Tallon gets a pass because of what he did in Chicago but he made some pretty boneheaded moves over there too.

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Dale Tallon.

The photo Gonchar used on Match.com to lure Bryan Murray last summer.

–Sergei Gonchar has two more years left at $5,500,000!

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Bryan Murray.

–Both the Erik Johnson/1st rounder for Chris Stewart/Kevin Shattenkirk and James Neal/Niskanen for Alex Goligoski trades were pretty fair and good for all teams involved. I’ve read people who chose sides and blasted the trades but I don’t see that as a reasonable take. Every one of those teams got what they needed/wanted.

–If I had to chose one player I’d want out of that bunch, I’d be Erik Johnson. My only concern with him is that he doesn’t strike me as the smartest cat around but hopefully that’ll change with experience and age.

–My wife watched the Oscars so I caught a bit of it (I would ever watch such a non-manly show on my own). People are blasting James Franco as a host, calling him too relaxed and carefree. To those people, I ask: what the f^%k did you expect from Franco? That’s his whole shtick and I’ve never seen him not be himself.

In conclusion, the Oscars and the people who watch them are silly.

//waves goodbye to the one female who reads this blog.

“Bye, Mom!”

–I had a chance to watch a few Ranger games this month (gambling will do that to you) and I was mightily impressed with Ryan McDonagh. That kid is going to be a very fine defenseman in this league for many years to come. Sucks for Habs fans.

–I was looking at the odds to win the Stanley Cup recently and the one that really stuck out for me was Nashville at 34 to 1. Good value there, my friends. The Preds totally strike me as a team built for the playoff grind.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, having the Lightning at 11 to 1 is just silly. No way they win more than one round (if that).

–You know, there’s a chance that Vancouver could meet Chicago in the 1st round and that would be truly epic. I’m sure Canuck fans are relieved they no longer have Big Buff to contend with, but if I were the Hawks coaching staff, I’d call up Kyle Beach, team him up with John Scott, plant both in Luongo’s crease and then count how long it takes for the ‘Nucks to self-destruct. I’d have the self-destruction over/under line set at 2.5 shifts.

–I’m already laughing at the team which overpays a 31-year-old Brad Richards in the summer. Not Gonchar-esque laughing but laughing nevertheless.

–That is all for today. Follow along on Twitter, I’ve lost some followers and would like to get them back just so I could block their rude asses for unfollowing me. You just don’t do such a thing to a man!

–OH, BEFORE I GO. LEAVE SOME COMMENTS, OTHERWISE I WON’T BLOG AGAIN . Yes, that was an empty threat and a pathetic display to get some attention from my reader(s).

Okay, the title is a bit dramatic but bear with me. Since September of last year, I’ve had the following stuff break down  in my life: main TV (colors went all cooky), 3 electric heaters in the house (all three just “poofed” in a span of a couple weeks), oven (after my wife did the self-cleaning on it, something overheated and it cost $150 to fix), the electrical outlets outside the house (I’m not even considering fixing this problem until spring),  the back window wiper motor of my vehicle just two weeks ago and to top it all off, on Thursday I hit a bumpy road and now have a problem with my air suspension (I had to lowride my way home and all that was missing from that scene was some rap music blaring through the speakers).

From what I could gather browsing the internet, this current problem could be the most expensive of all to fix with estimates ranging between $800-$2000. I’ll find out the exact damage tomorrow but I’m pretty sure it’ll result in me saying, “[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”

–Oh, and I’m catching a ride to the dealer with the flatbed towing guy who’ll be here at 7am. On a good day, I’m not a morning person, but on a cold winter day on which I know I’ll be having my wallet raped, I’m REALLY not a morning person. Hope the driver doesn’t mind awkward silence for the entire 20-minute ride, otherwise “[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”

–Oh, one more thing that you guys may find utterly hilarious. Last time I was at this dealer, I kind of got pissed off at them about something (I hate going to dealers for non-warranty service and avoid it unless absolutely necessary, so I always have a chip on my shoulder when I do go to one). Tomorrow I have to go back, like a puppy with his tail between his legs. (“[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”)

–If you’ve been following my Twitter for the past three days, you’ll see that I posted a 3-game parlay bet each day. All three days, I missed cashing in by 1 game. (“[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”)

–So yeah, if any of you placed this curse on me because I made some mean comment about something you like, please lift it. I’ve suffered enough! Oh, and “[expletive] [expletive] [expletive] you!”

–I don’t have much hockey commentary today, but if there was such a thing as being able to buy the Devils stock right now, I’d do it. They’ll be better in the second half of the season. Earlier this month, some guy dropped Martin Brodeur in one of my fantasy hockey leagues. I think that was the bottom!

–The internet is one big wasteland of crap — this site, for instance — but every now and then, I find something that captivates me greatly. The online archive of Time Magazine is one of those things. It’s such a fascinating look at yesteryear and humanity in general. Just take a look at the September 18, 1939 issue at the advent of WWII.

There’s quite a few hockey stories in the archive, too. Check out Ranger goalie  Dave Kerr, who graced the March 14, 1938 cover. The article serves as an introduction to the game and profiles the New York Rangers. At the beginning it compares hockey with baseball and includes this zinger:

Whereas baseball’s annual championship is a World Series in which the leading team of each league takes part, hockey’s championship is not a series between the leading teams but a complicated round robin (for a battered $50 cup) in which the three top teams of each division take part.

In the writer’s defense, the Cup back in the olden days did look like something you’d find at your Grandma’s house:

What’s weirder in the graphic above, the Stanley Cup looking like some spaceship probe or the cartoon bear taking a dump into it? Answer: None of the above, the weirdest thing is a player in a Maple Leafs  jersey holding it!

While reading another article from the February 11th, 1935 issue, I get the feeling that people in the 1930′s were not really all that bright.

By last week, the major-league hockey season was sufficiently advanced for experts to make their prophecies on how it will end next month, when the three leading teams in the two divisions-of the League play a complicated round-robin tournament for the world’s championship Stanley Cup.

Both hockey pieces I found from the 1930′s talk about how complicated the playoff format is. Mind you, the only odd thing was that the top teams in each division had a bye in the 1st round and had to play each other in the 2nd round. Imagine if the writer(s) had to deal with today’s scenario, the article would probably read: “A mind numbing, impossible to figure out format based on standings where most teams have more wins than losses. But the trophy is quite marvelous!”

Fast forward to February 24th, 1975 and you get quite possible the coolest Time cover ever:

Imagine the heart attacks in the NHL offices if this were hitting the newsstands today!

The article inside profiles Bernie Parent and also delves into the hockey violence topic, touching on some of the same themes we hear today:

The virus of violence has spread far beyond the player. The most chilling recent display was Boston Bruin Dave Forbes’ attack on Minnesota North Star Henry Boucha. In that incident, Forbes jammed the end of his stick into Boucha’s right eye, leaving Boucha, after surgery, with impaired vision. In an unprecedented criminal action against an N.H.L. player, Forbes was charged with aggravated assault with a dangerous weapon. His trial, now scheduled for May, could remove punishment for sport violence from the arena to the police and the courts.

Among the people most concerned over unfettered violence are the officials of junior-level competition. Because the Flyers’ buccaneering play attracts fans—most critics suggest that is precisely why the pros fight—the ethic of war has seeped down to younger players. The trend has become so disturbing in Canada that the Ontario government recently conducted an inquiry into violence in the region’s amateur hockey programs and, soon after, the Ontario Hockey Association set up new rules to halt brutality on the ice.

Can’t help but chuckle at that.

The intro of the article features some great writing:

He needs the glove of an all-star shortstop, the agility of a gold-medal gymnast, the reflexes of a championship racing-car driver, the eye of a .400 hitter and the mind of a geometrician. Even then he is nothing if he has not conquered fear, for he lives in a vortex of violence in the world’s fastest team sport. He is the hockey goalie, the masked man, the magnet for action in a war on ice.

As in no other sport, the essence of his game is violence —bodies hurtling, players smashing each other into the boards, sticks slashing, fists always at the ready. Even when the skating and body checking are clean—and they often are not—the play is fierce and frightening. And it is all directed at one target—the man in the reinforced fiber-glass mask.

Alone or in clusters, attackers bear down on him at breakneck speed, their razor-sharp blades ripping into the white ice. From any angle, in the open or from behind a screen of players, a shooter fires and the rock-hard puck hums toward the goalie at more than 100 m.p.h. He has less than a second to react. If he fails, there is no reprieve: the goalie is the last line of defense, the difference between winning and losing.

Chills, baby, chills!

Okay, I’ve rambled enough and I need to get ready for the NFL games. As always, follow along on Twitter if you want to be cool!

Jets +3.5, Packers -3.5. Book it!