NFL 2010: The Most Entertaining Season Ever?

I’ll spare you the excuses as to why I didn’t post in a quite a while. Let’s just say I didn’t feel like it. Okay, with that bit of awkwardness out of the way, here are some quick thoughts on the world of hockey and sports.

–I love hockey but this year’s NFL season will go down as the most entertaining season I’ve ever witnessed in any sport. It’s been fascinating to follow. That said, last year’s NHL playoffs were one of the best ones in a long time. Add to that the Miami Heat and LeBron rejuvenating the NBA somewhat and baseball rebounding from the steroid era with a good crop of pitchers and young players coming up. It’s like a golden year for sports in North America so it’s safe to assume we’ll be seeing lockout after lockout in the near future.

–You know what I find funny? Grown ups complaining and mocking the NHL Guardian project. It’s obviously marketing towards kids and kids go nuts for stupid shit. Sure toys these days are pretty weird (wtf is a Bakugan?) but it’s no weirder than a prince transforming himself into warrior and riding his tiger to battle a skeleton. But let’s be honest He-Man rocked our world, so maybe some gullible kid in California will find “The King” totally awesome and beg his parents to go to an NHL and BOOM! New fan!

Jem: Possibly the reason why Tranny Porn is so popular these days!

–Speaking of old time cartoons… GI Joe and Transformers rocked. I also was a big fan of Duck Tales and of M.A.S.K., the latter of which never reached much popularity. And don’t tell anyone this, but I did have a secret crush on Jem because, well, she was truly outrageous!

–I still haven’t seen the final episode of HBO’s 24/7 but the show was pretty cool. I thought Matt Cooke came off great which is still a shock to write into words.  This creates the scary possibility that everything we believe about this universe could be wrong.

–Loved Sid on the show, too.  However, Ovechkin doesn’t really seem to me like the same guy from two years ago. He just came off more shy and reserved than I expected. You can kind of tell that he doesn’t really enjoy North America and feels more comfortable in the Motherland. In contrast, and what was another surprise to me, Malkin seemed much more fun than I imagined him to be (not that I spend my time imagining how much fun Malkin is… alright, I do).

–The Bruce Boudreau f-bomb thing was kind of overplayed. I watched the first episode a few days after it aired and prior to watching it, I read some reviews of it on the blogs and it made it seem like Boudreau had a meltdown. Really, though, it’s just a guy who likes to swear. Nothing wrong with that. We all know someone like that. Hell, when I’m in a bad mood, I’m probably like that.

–This is really funny. In 1974, a Cleveland Browns fan complains to the team about people throwing paper airplanes in his section. He then gets a response from the team’s general counsel. Makes me wish we were still back in a time before political correctness took over our world. Then again, I’m neither ethnic, gay or a woman so I may have a romanticized view of the old days.

–Speaking of anti-political correctness stuff, the Russian junior team lived up to every Vladimir Sharapov stereotype, and it was awesome!

–This Intent To Blow post is from December 21st and plays off the Thrashers publicity stunt with their mascot from a month back but it’s probably my favorite work they’ve done to date. Go read it (but go read about the actual publicity stunt first if you have no clue what I’m talking about, here’s a link for that because I know you’re too lazy to find it yourself and will probably get sidetracked at some porn site).

–I don’t know if you guys heard but Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie expressed his hatred of Tom Brady to the media. I was debating whether to bet on the Patriots -9.5 but after those comments, I think it’s a fairly safe bet. Also like the Falcons -1.5 and the Steelers -2.5.  Not touching the Seahawks/Bears game, both of those teams are not to be trusted.

–Well that’s all for today. See you again in two months (or not… but probably two months). Follow along on Twitter, I still have 1010 followers even though I haven’t tweeted in almost a month. Which reminds me, I had a tweet read on-air by Jim Rome back in mid-December. How cool is that? What? Not cool at all, you say? Well, effff you.

"I read Blades every single day, motherf%&ker!"

Okay, listen. I’m sure you’re all dying for me to post me #21-#25 preseason rankings but it’s not to be. I’ll get around to it. One day.

Truth is that I’ve sat down late at night 2 or 3 times in the last two weeks to write up a post but as soon as I fired up the editor, I wasn’t feeling it. I’m like an artist. I need to be inspired and motivated to do a post, otherwise what’s the point, right?

Yeah, I ain’t an artist. Just a hockey blogger who doesn’t blog.

But yeah, it’s been a busy month out here. My son started kindergarten this year and that’s caused quite the change in our lives. I haven’t lived with an alarm clock since I dropped out of university in ’97 to pursue “other opportunities” so this daily appointment thingy will take some time getting adjusted to.

On a similar topic, let it be known that I hate schedules and appointments.

Anyways, let me get on to some quick thoughts…

–I haven’t been paying much attention to the hockey world in the past few weeks. I very much dislike preseason hockey and more importantly, preseason hockey news. I don’t care what some writer has to say about some player who will be playing in the AHL next year. I don’t care about these heated “camp battles” for the 4th line spot. Nor do I care about hyping up some rookie who will be a shadow of himself by the time the real games start. Just not for me. *shrug*

–September is pretty much where I devote all my “sports time” to the NFL and the baseball races.

–With that said, I am going into this post blind with nothing prepared. I have Dan Ellis written on my “to blog about” list but that seems like such a dated topic that it would be silly to write about, right?

F&ck it! I’ll chime in since you’re dying to know my opinion. Dan Ellis isn’t a bi#ch in my book because of what he said. There was lots of truth to what he said even though he had a hard time articulating himself. The real reason why Ellis is a bi%ch is because of the way he handled the aftermath. If you’re going to say something that you believe in. Stand by it and take the heat that comes. Don’t cry and whine and make yourself out to be a victim. That’s bi%ch.

–Okay, post over. Nothing else to write about… Wait. Let me fire up Cap Geek and comment on new contracts… that will save this post!

–Bobby Ryan 5 years at $5.1m per… what the hell took so long to get this signed?

–Marc Staal 5 years at $4m per… ditto!

–Peter Mueller at $2m per over 2 years could be a steal if he plays like he did after coming over to Colorado. Good deal for the Avs there, imo.

–Steve Mason at $2.9m per over 2 yrs. seems a little excessive after the season he had last year and the way the goalie market is, but I guess you can make a case for it.

–James Neal $2.9m over 2 yrs. *yawn* <— insightful info you can only get here!

Is that a concession stand? If so, she must be lost.

–That’s it for the big $ signings. What else can I write about? Alex Ovechkin’s love life? Sure, that will save this post! Here’s a link to a pic of his girlfriend. (s/t Puck Daddy). Russian girls are hot. Too skinny girls are not. So I’m torn.

–Oh yeah, almost forgot to comment on the Canucks captaincy discussion to officially overkill it.  Henrik will be captain. Or they’ll do some combo with Daniel but really, I don’t know if they want to get all “weird” with the “C” again so my money would be on Henrik flat out. Re: Kesler… I heard from a radio guy who I respect that there is some “untold” behind-the-scenes stuff that will prevent him from getting the “C”. No clue what it is. Maybe he slept with someone’s wife? Lol, that’s just me being retarded so don’t go spreading that rumor.

–Random thought: Eminem’s new album is pretty good, imo. I don’t like the vast majority of rap these days but on the recommendation of a friend, I gave this one a listen. Three tracks really stood out: “Talkin’ To Myself”, “Going Through Changes” and “You’re Never Over”.  Many of the others were pretty good too.

–Anyways, I think that’s it for real. I promise to get the second part of the rankings up before October although at this point, I think both you and I know that it’s an empty promise.

–If you’re thinking about  following me on Twitter, don’t let my lack of tweets this month put you off. It’ll get more busy come October. For now, I just use it to vent my frustrations at the end of each Detroit Lions game.

Okay, maybe summer ain't that bad, after all.

It’s the end of July. We’ve officially reached the period where I’m ready for summer to end.

I’m not a summer guy. I don’t like excessive amounts of heat. I’m a fall/winter guy. I like rain and snow –  it’s calm and peaceful.

But here we are.

A month and a half to go until each team’s fan base anoints a preseason standout as their team’s next big thing. Optimism will run rampant. Bets will be made on how many records he’ll shatter.

In a related note, we’re two and a half months away from each one of those preseason studs plying their traits in the AHL or CHL, much to the dismay of local fans who’ve already purchased their jerseys.

But for now, there’s nothing to write about…

–I could write about Maxime Talbot calling Ovechkin “a real douche.” But what sort of analysis could I add to a statement that was based on truth?

–I guess I could write about the recent signings.

–Alexei Ponikarovsky signed with the Kings for $3.2m. Alexander Frolov signed with the Rangers for $3.0m. Both contracts seem about right. Both players will drive fans of their new teams crazy. And both will take their talents to Avangard Omsk in 2011. So, yeah.

–Mason Raymond and Matt Moulson both avoided arbitration and signed ~$2.5m deals with their respective teams, proving once again that one good season in the NHL is the real-life equivalent to winning the lottery.

–One little side note on the Mason Raymond signing: A radio sports show host in Vancouver — and I stress “host” (not “caller”) — said he was initially fearful that the upper-end of Raymond’s contract would be $4.0-$4.5m. Yes, some things are better kept to oneself.

–Andrew Ladd signed for $2.35m, which is damn good for the team. Maybe Ladd should hire a new agent ’cause I’m pretty sure I’d be able to get him more.

–Fabian Brunnstrom re-signed with the Stars for $625k. I’m shocked he has yet to live up to the hype which surrounded him upon his arrival in North America. I mean, most 23-year-old guys who play beer-league hockey in Europe (take that Swedish Elite League!) usually become difference makers when they cross the pond, no?

–That’s pretty much it for the signings that caught my eye (sorry, Mr. Fleschmann and Mr. Perron).

–Hmm, what else can I write about?

–Did you guys hear that the word out of DC is that 2009 1st rounder (24th overall) Marcus Johansson may be the Caps’ answer to fill their 2C void. Here’s a Washington Post article hyping him up a bit. Yes, you’re right, there’s a little too many Nicklas Backstrom comparisons for my liking in that article. Mind you, if he does take the 2C spot, I imagine he’ll be an upgrade over old-man Morrison.

–I’m sure you know at least three people who are going to call the Thrashers the”Atlanta Hawks” this season, and they’ll find it utterly hilarious. A better nickname, however, would be “Chitlanta.” Read it aloud. Okay, on second thought, it’s not much better.

My editor in Angola.

–If you haven’t heard, Down Goes Brown has joined the National Post. In a related story, I’m putting the finishing touches on my contract to become the “hockey insider” for a national paper in Angola. All I have to do is convince them the sport actually exists.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. Water not get hard. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”

–I got a kick out of reading some of the articles on Puck Daddy this week which involved quotes from Russian hockey guys.

There’s this one which includes an interview with Frolov’s agent. Take it away, Sergei Isakov…

The Kings started slow negotiations with Frolov again. I think that Los Angeles is actually concentrating on signing Kovalchuk. [...]  And it was so happening that Frolov’s future in Los Angeles depended on someone else. And it wasn’t nice.

Read the last sentence in Borat voice.

Don’t you know how people are treated in the NHL? If a player has a year left on his contract it is necessary to spoil his season in order not to sign him for big money. That’s what happened with Frolov.

Conspiracy!

Moreover, right now Frolov is almost in New York. He left from one major US city to another, now in the East. It’s a huge city with a lot of temptations.

“Huge city with a lot of tempations?” Lol, was that really necessary to say?

Then there’s this article with quotes from KHL’s President. Take it away, Alexander Medvedev…

I would like to congratulate all hockey fans, especially from St. Petersburg. One of our most renowned and titled defensemen Denis Grebeshkov is coming back to Russia.

Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

He is doing it at the best age for a player – in October he will be 27 years old.

With Grebeshkov’s arrival, the average age of a KHLer now drops to 38.4.

The greatest ever?

The contract is for two years on standard terms. It shows once again that modern hockey players clearly understand why this contract structure is in effect this year. There were no objections from Grebeshkov as to why the contract is a ‘70-30′

Sounds to me like some other free agents didn’t quite like the “70-30″ contract structure and this Medvedev’s way of telling them that they’re not “modern hockey players.” Well played.

I know that Grebeshkov wanted to continue his career in the NHL. And I think that Edmonton made a big mistake by sending to Nashville such a defenseman.

Harsh. Not only are the Oilers having to put up with crap from Souray and Ethan Moreau, they’re also getting trash-talked by the President of the KHL. Damn.

Maybe Denis didn’t have a good season due to an injury. But he fully recovered and he didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs, just like the rest of the Predators. Although we remember that Nashville was only in one round of the playoffs.”

“Didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs.” Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

Then there’s Medvedev’s pandering to Kovalchuk…

He told Pavel Lysenkov of Sovetsky Sport that SKA St. Petersburg of KHL “easily offer Ilya Kovalchuk a contract for the same 17 years like New Jersey … If Kovalchuk likes number 17 that much.”

Kovalchuk comes off like he’s a preschooler who really, really just wants stuff that matches up with his favorite number. I’m guessing his 2nd favorite number is 102,000,000.

And then there’s a required shot at the NHL…

I haven’t spoken with him myself. I don’t want to make his difficult situation any worse. Instead of taking a rest and training, Kovalchuk has to get ready for a court hearing. And these cases, as we know, are unpredictable. There were a lot of instances when players chose to find a peaceful solution with clubs right before hearings.

Going by this quote, it sounds like Medvedev has confused “RFA salary” arbitration with “is the contract legal?” arbitration. Unless I’m missing something and Kovalchuk does have to prove he’s worth $102m going forward. If that’s the case, it is a difficult situation for him to be in, especially when you consider he’s not resting or training.

–So yeah, not much to write about in the middle of summer. Maybe I’ll just talk about my Twitter account which has over 870 followers.

–Rumor has it that Alexander Medvedev is a follower. That would why I’m getting tweets like this sent to me: “Mr. Funny Blades, please make joke about Oilers for moving Great Grebeshkov away. HAHAHA”

–I hope you’re all enjoying your summer. I’ve packed up my DVD player and a couple discs which have hockey games on them, and I’m off to Angola to prove the sport does in fact exist.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. This thing called electricity not real and devil machine you bring me with discs not work. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”

(This is a guest post written by Vladimir Sharapov (Владимир Шарáпов). Vladimir works as a baseball scout in his home country of Russia, but his true passion lies in the sport of hockey. We hope that you agree with us when we say that Vladimir will add both a serious and an international opinion to the Blades of Funny community. His posts are unedited from the copies that he sends us, save for the censoring of swear words.)

HELLO BLADES OF FUNNY READER,

I write here TODAY to tell you about PROFOUND INJUSTICE done to my comrades. My expose will AWE and SHOCK you lazy North American who sit around eating cheese covered chip all day.

After watching games involving OVECHKIN vs. STUPID MONTREAL and MALKIN vs. UGLY MONTREAL. I can tell you this with no question in my mind: THE RUSSIAN SUPERSTARS WERE CHEATED IN THE PLAYOFFS.

YES IT IS TRUE. Every bone of VLADAMIR’S BODY feel truth must be told.

EVIDENCE IS CLEAR.

Montreal bad team who can not score goal on MICHAEL LEIGHTON but they defeat MALKIN AND OVECHKIN? THIS smell like more fish to VLADIMIR than the shores of SEVERDVINSK.

GOALTENDER from SLOVAKIA <Vladimir SPIT on floor> play like MIRACLE ON ICE vs. OVECHKIN and MALKIN but now he not able to stop MIDGET FRENCHMAN BRIERE and WALKING HOSPITAL PATIENT GAGNE. This no make any sense to VLADIMIR.

League do not want Cup of Stanley champion to be HANDSOME RUSSIAN MAN with flair of sabertooth tiger and instinct of killer bee. This why league conspire to ELIMINATE comrades with superior HOCKEY SKILL.

OR League afraid of CRAZY FANS in Philadelphia and Montreal so they act like chicken who do not want bones broken. I do not understand how Montreal defeat OVECHKIN and MALKIN back-to-back. IMPOSSIBLE.

Anti-RUSSIA conspiracy also effect DATSYUK and KOVALCHUK too but VLADIMIR not have evidence as clear about this like I have about Montreal. Plus DETROIT team get many breaks in previous times so it is CLEAR to VLADIMIR they not part of conspiracy.

You say to VLADIMIR: but what about NABOKOV and BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, they still in playoffs?

I write in previous post about NABOKOV how he not TRUE RUSSIAN because he too much CALIFORNIA DREAMING. About BROTHERS KOSTITSYN I choose not to talk about them. They good Russian boys and we leave it at that, OK? Good. No more question in future about BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, PLEASE.

I need to end now as I have to catch train to scout baseball tomorrow but I hope my words open eyes of hockey fans that league cheat and is anti-RUSSIAN. American Fans deprived of ability to watch best players in league because league eliminate all GREAT RUSSIANS. This make VLADIMIR’S STOMACH HURT more than water from village well.

Before I go, I answer COMMENTS AND WORDS FROM READERS FROM PREVIOUS POST…

***

Man with exotic name write comment:

I do not know what this mean. Everytime VLADIMIR visit America to scout baseball, people come up to me and say about player:

“He strong like Drago.”

“He powerful like Drago.”

“He probably juice like Drago.”

Why should Vladimir care what juice player drink? SILLY AMERICANS. I do not get your conversation. NEXT!

***

Man who work as waiter write comment:

You must spend too much time in kitchen because RUSSIAN MEN do not golf. What sort of SISSY game is golf? Walk around park, hit little ball into little hole located in middle of park. GAME IS LAZY AND STUPID FOR FAT NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

You want to know what OVECHKIN and rest of RUSSIA MEN do to relax? WE hunt the elusive LYNX in SOUTHERN SIBERIA. This is what a REAL man do, not walk around park and hit white balls with stick.

***

Finally, lovely lady write to BLADES OF FUNNY ABOUT VLADIMIR:

Maybe you invite VLADMIR to marriage in North America so VLADMIR get visa and achieve life dream of working for Blue Jays of Toronto?

What can VLADIMIR offer in return for visa? I strong like ox, fix house without problem, hunt for food, and build magnificent well in your village. If you marry VLADIMIR you become ENVY of all women in village filled with fat and lazy NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

BYE BYE FOR NOW PEOPLE IN INTERNET.

Владимир Шарáпов

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

– Before I start blowing your mind with my thoughts on the hockey world, let me first welcome all the new Blades of Funny readers who are joining us after the mega-successful high school post.  Fist bump!

–Let me start with the Blackhawks-Canucks series. You know why the Hawks won? Because they are the better team. They skate better, they score better, they play defense better, and they play the physical game better. Sure, they have their brain farts due to their age, but when they’re on, they’re lethal.

–With that said, let’s tear down the Canucks. I’m not saying that I’m a better coach than Alain Vigneault — I’d probably do some rash things after Game 4 like send O’Brien out to Bertuzzi Dustin Byfuglien, bench Luongo in favor of Raycroft, call up 1/2 my AHL team, and stab Mike Gillis multiple times for assembling this D-core — but even I would start 7 defensemen if one of them had a testicle injury.

–One thing I don’t get about the Canucks is why they don’t deploy a more defensive system (their defensive play was almost Caps-like in the Hawks series…almost). If you have a goalie in Luongo that’s supposed to be elite then why not optimize his talent with a sound defensive strategy. The way they do things now is comparable to a 60-year-old man who has a smokin’ hot 20-year-old trophy wife but doesn’t fill his viagra prescription. Not the best use of the assets at your disposal.

–It’s now safe to say that comparisons of Luongo to Brodeur and Roy were premature. Comparisons of Halak to Dryden and Roy, also premature.

–I’ve heard some people compare the Canucks to the Sharks. While they no doubt stole Luongo via trade, they still have a long ways to go to match the Sharks trifecta of thievery in acquiring Thornton, Heatley, and Boyle.

–Is there a better defensive pairing in the league than Keith-Seabrook? NO!

–I was never much of a Habs fan but it’s hard not to get behind this team. Oh my gawd, did I just write that? WTF IS HAPPENING???

–PK Subban. That’s what’s happening. He even makes the Habs cool.

–Enough playoff talk. Let’s talk about the Coyotes ownership issue. <yawn>Let’s not.</yawn>

–Let’s talk about Olli Jokinen instead (he so funny). There were rumors that he’s jumping to the KHL, which got me thinking about who else might do the same. My money is on Alexander Ovechkin Frolov. I read that his agent wants $5 million a season. So yeah, Siberia sounds about right.

–Sticking with the Jokinen theme. You could say that Darryl Sutter traded Matthew Lombardi, Michael Cammalleri, and the 13th overall pick in this years draft for Ales Kotalik. You could say that, though Darryl Sutter probably doesn’t want you to.

–Something I heard on the radio this week: I think I was listening to a Vancouver station when the host said the Flames franchise is in much better shape than the Oilers. The argument he used to make his point was that the Oilers have the 1st overall pick, Jordan Eberle and not much else, whereas the Flames almost made the playoffs.

[FACEPALM]

At this point I think I’d take the 1st overall pick + Eberle +  Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson (thank you, Google!) + Hemsky + Penner who showed improvement this year + Sam Gagner over an aging team with no real blue chip prospects besides, maybe, Backlund.

Over the next year or two the Flames should be the better team, but the Oilers future is much brighter in my humble opinion.

–Still on the Oilers front, I think they should draft Tayor Hall. I base this on nothing more than the hype that’s always surrounded him. In my opinion that makes him the safer pick of the two. Scouts may scoff at my reasoning but let’s pick a random draft…hmmm…1999.

Patrik Stefan went #1, Sedins went #2 and #3. Now, I don’t remember what the hype was 2 years prior to that draft, but I imagine two red-haired Swedish hockey-playing twins must have garnered more attention than Stefan. My point is proven. Fire your scouts and monitor internet buzz instead.

–Speaking of prospects, I had a talk with a buddy of mine who’s a Leafs fan. He kept talking about Kadri this and Kadri that. How Kadri lit up the OHL, how Kadri will be dynamite with Kessel, and how Kadri will lead the Leafs to the playoffs.

Jiri Tlusty popped into my head but I decided to spare him the pain. Instead, I told him that the progress of Schenn and Phaneuf’s ability to regain his 07-08 form is what holds the key to the 2010-11 Leafs. He just replied: “Kadri?…Kadri?…KADRI!!!”

–The most humorous thing about the playoffs is flip-flopping fans\media. Each win is met with unbridled optimism, each loss renews calls for the end is nigh.

–Remember in the last Serious Thoughts post I wrote about my man-crush on Justin from Bourne’s Blog? Well, sad to report that things ended up kind of messy on that front.

Big news on the Twitter front: 500 FOLLOWERS! Many said it couldn’t be done but I proved them wrong. My latest scheme to get followers involves using religion as evidenced by this tweet I sent out last night: