(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

The Hockey News – With a headline like “Penguins must trade Malkin,” this has to be classified as humor. If you’re not sold yet, check out what’s inside:

Here’s an idea a couple of us came up with. I repeat, an idea we came up with. Not a rumor. Malkin and a fifth round pick to Edmonton for the first overall selection, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson and Sheldon Souray.

[...]

It’d be a good old-fashioned hockey trade and a win for both sides.

Let’s dissect this: On one hand, you have a team, which is one year removed from a Stanley Cup and back-to-back Finals appearances, trading away one of the top 3 players in the game. On the other hand, you have a team, which has been treading water for two decades and are now finally in a position to do a proper rebuild, trading away two of their blue chip prospects. A win for both sides? Humor indeed.

But you know what makes this a riot? The fact that Burke essentially made this trade, only instead of getting Malkin, he got Phil Kessel. <Nelson Muntz laugh>

Distinct Kicking Motion – Canadiens Eliminate Penguins; Carey Price Pissed Off. While I’m certain my classification of the previous link is correct, I’m not quite sure if this one is satire or not.

Stay Classy – Staying with the Canadiens, Burgundy offers a few tips on how to do your rioting right. My tip would be to make sure your gang includes a few Leafs fans that have jumped on the Habs bandwagon. I’m sure those souls are bitter and ready to tear sh#t up Colton Orr-style.

Cowhide and Rubber – More Canadiens, this time with added gloating. Look at them, they’re so cute, so Cinderella-ish. Remember when Flames and Oilers fans were like this? We can only hope the future for Habs fans holds the same fate.

Bloge Salming – The New NHL Dating Website. I heard Luongo and the Canucks were considered for this but they were bumped when news came out that Roberto’s inability to perform caused Vancouver to have a torrid love affair with a sexy young redhead.

(Ed’s note: To those of you that googled “sexy young redhead” and wound up here, I’m sorry. However, if you wish to stay, you must put on a pair of pants. It’s a BoF rule.)

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying with Luongo, Jason Brough puts the “Luongo sucks because of the ‘C’” argument in perspective. There are bigger issues; the ‘C’ is just an easy thing to point to. Sort of like how alcohol takes the blame when, after a night of partying, you wake up with a 2.5 beside you. Sure, the alcohol played a role, but the fanny pack you wore played a bigger role.

MC 79 Hockey – Tyler Dellow calls out new Thrashers GM Rick Dudley for fabricating. While Tyler’s words are scathing, they pale in comparison to the beatdown Dudley will receive from Kane. Evander don’t like no liars.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette – Sidney is set to move out of Lemieux’s basement. I guess Mario finally had enough of Crosby’s crying and whining.

What’s that? That was an obvious joke and you expected more from BoF?  My bad, let me try again.

Sidney is set to move out of Lemieux’s basement. I heard he bought a place in New York with Lebron James. The home will affectionately be nicknamed “The Baby Crib.”

Ha! That’ll teach you to demand funny from me.

Puck Daddy – Does something stink in Jersey? Yes. But Steven Ovadia takes a look at possible strife in the Devils organization. Not surprising ’cause, much like a marriage, when jars of jelly start hitting the wall, things are no longer rosy.

View From My Seats – Fellow basement shut-in hockey blogger Matt Reitz pays homage to a departed friend. Nicely done, I think I’ll end with this.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week: Down Goes Brown, Puck Daddy, Five for Howling,  The Rat Trick, Second City Hockey, Hockey Independent, Hockey N’ High Heels, Fantasy Hockey Scouts, Dobber Hockey, Nucks Misconduct, Ms. Blackhawks, and Distinct Kicking Motion. Sorry if I missed anyone. Thanks to all those that RT’d on Twitter and shared BoF on message boards. I am forever your humble servant.

One last thing I have to share with you because I found it utterly hilarious…

The photo and caption are courtesy of St. Louis Game Time:

“It’s not often that you can pinpoint the exact moment that a guy leaps off of one bandwagon straight onto the awaiting deck of another bandwagon, but we did it tonight.”

If you are a hockey fan, you’ve no doubt heard about Vancouver’s Green Men. They’re a YouTube sensation; have their own website; even a Twitter account.

But who are these spandex-draped weirdos?

What if they’re a couple NHL players with too much time on their hands?

Maybe ’cause they didn’t make the playoffs? (Yes, I  do realize they were around during the regular season but stop bugging me with facts and let me set up the post, damn it!)

We did some brainstorming at Blades of Funny headquarters and came up with a few possible names; We also eliminated others.

Blades of Funny Brainstorms Possible NHL Players Moonlighting As The Green Men

Never seen them carrying a defibrillator: Jonas Gustavsson.

Nor an inflated sense of entitlement: Dion Phaneuf.

They move around: Wade Redden.

Yet, don’t pull a hamstring: Marian Gaborik.

They aren’t rushed to the ER when they partake in fun: Erik Johnson.

Nor when they just stand up: Rick DiPietro.

They love attention and have the cash to buy prime seats: Mike Commodore.

And they’re able to remember where those seats are located: David Booth.

Not that we’re looking, but both appear to have a full package: Phil Kessel.

However, they keep that covered up: Jiri Tlusty.

In real life, they don’t come off like sensitive cry babies: Sheldon Souray.

Nor do they on Twitter: Martin Havlat.

In fact, they appear to be very happy with their place in the world: Tomas Kaberle.

When their image comes up on screen, it’s always good for a few laughs: Jeff Finger.

We said laughs, not gaffes: Vesa Toskola.

Everyone in the arena cheers when they appear on the Jumbotron: Evander Kane.

And not ’cause the visiting coach selected them for the shootout: Olli Jokinen.

Their whole gig is based upon getting inside the opposition’s head: Steve Ott.

Not literally: Colton Orr

They don’t randomly assault the opposition: Mike Komisarek.

Nor each other: Keith Ballard.

Never seen a puddle of blood underneath them: Zenon Konopka.

Nor a puddle of sweat: Nikolai Khabibulin.

Never heard them give random analysis about other teams: R.J. Umberger.

Nor about fashion: Sean Avery.

We’ve seen them in the playoffs: Jay Bouwmeester.

And they didn’t fold under the pressure: Alexander Semin.

You: huh?
BoF: what’s the problem, sir/ma’am?
You: you said the list only consists of non-playoff players.
BoF: well…did semin really play in the playoffs?
You: no, I guess not.
BoF: sooooo he could very well have been in vancouver.
You: true.
BoF: there you go.
You: that’s brilliant.
BoF: thank you.
You: no, that was BRILLIANT. You are a genius, man.
BoF: what can I say, I’m pretty good at this stuff.
You: uhhh…I was being sarcastic.
BoF: that’s mighty small of you.
You: that’s what she said.
BoF: about you?
You: no, about you!
BoF: how come?
You: what?
BoF: what?
You: you’re retarded.
BoF: I know you are but what am I?
You: not funny.
BoF: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
You: [hits ctrl+w]

Well, since nobody is reading anymore, I guess there’s no point in finishing. Good thing too as the only other things I have is some Steve Mason jokes and maybe a jab or two at the Florida Panthers. I couldn’t think of a joke about Lecavalier and his constant trade rumors, nor could I think of a midget joke for St. Louis (Martin, not the city, though I’m sure the city has its fair share of midgets too). Yup, all out of material on this one. Maybe if you follow me on Twitter, I’ll come up with something. Better yet, maybe you will.

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

–The Caps lost! The Caps lost! Ohhhhh myyyyy gaaaaawd!

–The best analysis I read of the series was penned by Justin Jason Bourne (YESSS!!! I’m the first one to ever use that joke on him) on his blog.

Washington is the first team I can ever remember watching that’s worse when they try harder.

I couldn’t agree more. Justin Jason Bourne’s (BOOM!!! AGAIN!!!) blog is quickly becoming one of my favorite hockey reads. Good insight, easy-to-read style, and humor mixed in. Basically everything that Blades of Funny is not.  Plus Justin (I have stopped) seems like a really cool guy to just shoot the breeze with. Quite the looker too. Add his blog to your list.

–Jeez, rereading what I just wrote, it may come across to some like I have a man-crush. Maybe I should erase it? … Nah, I’ll leave it in and see where it goes.

–But back to the Caps. One thing they shouldn’t do is go out and get a high-priced goalie. With Varlamov and Neuvirth developing, it would be pretty unwise to use up cap space on an expensive goalie. <cough>Boston</cough>.

–What about trading Semin and bringing in a shutdown defenseman, you ask? Again, I don’t think they need to do anything rash. Breaking the piggy bank for Volchenkov or Hamhuis isn’t wise with Karl Alzner still developing. Besides, the Caps lost because they thought they would coast through Montreal and instead, they ran into a hot goalie. I think they’ve learned their lesson.

–With that said, Bruce Boudreau is to blame. It’s the coach’s job to make sure his team is mentally sharp. Should he lose his job? I’m an anonymous hockey blogger on the internet, so I think I’m as qualified as anyone to answer this for you…but I can’t.

–Is Anton Volchenkov the coolest name in hockey, or what? Sounds like a smooth Russian gangster who is about to order a hit on the mayor.

Much cooler than Alexander Ovechkin.

And don’t even get me started on how much cooler it is than Semin.

Uh-uh-uh… There was no Semin left for the playoffs because he blew his load in the regular season.

YES!

–You’ve probably already heard this story about Brooks Laich changing a stranger’s tire after Game 7. What you may have missed is the following line:

The jack fell down, and he had to start again.

That could serve as a great metaphor for the Caps next season…

The 2010-11 Washington Capitals
“This Time We’ll Jack It Right”

Don’t you love how I’m able to spin this web? I’m like Spider-Man. Only cooler.

–If the Flames had signed Cammalleri instead of Bouwmeester, do you think they would have made the playoffs? I do.

–On a blog, whose name escapes me at the moment, a writer used the following nickname for Mikael Samuelsson: FU Sweden. I found that hilarious.

–Do you guys think that the Hart Trophy will cause sibling rivalry between Henrik and Daniel? I can totally picture the following scenes play out in real life:

(the twins meeting someone for the first time)

Henrik: i’m Henrik.
Daniel: i’m Daniel.
Henrik: i’m the one who was named mvp.

(someone asking the twins how to tell them apart)

Henrik: he’s the one without THIS. [lifts up hart trophy]

(daniel with wife over at henrik’s house for a dinner party)

Daniel’s wife (looking at the mantle which prominently displays the hart): what’s this?
Daniel: nothing.
Henrik’s wife: that’s MY husband’s mvp trophy.
Daniel’s wife: how come we don’t have one?
Henrik: ’cause he’s not as good as I am.

Oh sure, for the first few weeks it’ll be funny and Daniel will let out a meek laugh. After a while, though, I can totally see him asking for a trade and never speaking to Henrik again.

–Hey, let’s talk about the Panthers. Just kidding. Let’s talk about the Thrashers. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Kovalchuk signs with them come July 1st? Then again, if the Trashers have playoff aspirations, maybe signing Kovalchuk isn’t the wisest thing to do. OH SNAP!

–The Montreal Canadiens really ruined the sexy over in the East. Instead of Pittsburgh-Boston with the Savard/Cooke storyline, and Washington-Philadelphia with the offense vs. grit storyline, and then the possibility of the holy grail Washington-Pittsburgh final, we now get these lackluster matchups. It’s like when you anticipate meeting that sexy girl you met online and she turns out to look nothing like she did in the picture she sent you. The Canadiens are like the lying bi#%h of this years playoffs. Did that even make sense?

–While reading Elliotte Friedman’s 30 Thoughts this week, I found this part quite odd:

A Western Conference front-office type on Mason Raymond: “He’s like a little Sedin.” That’s a nice compliment.

This would be true if the Sedins had lightning speed and sub-par puck possession ability. Someone should tell Darryl Sutter about this guy so he can trade him Ales Kotalik. Then again, that guy may actually be Darryl Sutter.

–This is a good read about Jim Corsi and the Corsi number which is gaining popularity among hockey nerds bloggers. I’m not much of an in-depth stats guy; I like sticking to the basics. That could explain why I was always good in math class up until grade 11 rolled around and everything went to sh#%. Then again, perhaps the real reason was the pot. Perhaps.

The End.

I challenge you to a thumb war…on Twitter! Not tonight though, as that’s the night I dust the Justin Jason Bourne posters in my bedroom.

In this series, Blades of Funny pays homage to the teams that have departed us this season.

To set the mood, we recommend you play the song that inspired the title: “End Of The Line” by the Traveling Wilburys — the most underrated song in music history (that’s no hyperbole, my friend, it really is that dear to our hearts).

In this time of grief, let us now say something positive about these teams. They’ve reached the end of the line, but it doesn’t have to end there (well, technically it does).

New York Rangers

It’s all right… proving all the haters wrong, Marian Gaborik played 76 games this season.
Unfortunately… his inactivity during the final shootout of the season caused his hamstring to tighten up and as a result, well, you know.

Atlanta Thrashers

It’s all right… on the final weekend of the season, Evander Kane became THE most popular player in the NHL.
Unfortunately… because of the vast amount of free beer he consumes over the summer, come September he will be overweight…and also an alcoholic.

Carolina Hurricanes

It’s all right… at one point during the season, the team was battling the Leafs for the basement, but a decent second half propelled it to 11th in the conference.
Unfortunately… they really would have been better off in the basement since, unlike the Leafs, they still possess their draft picks.

New York Islanders

It’s all right… with the drafting of John Tavares, Islanders fans finally have a superstar that they can follow.
Unfortunately… we’re not sure how many Kansas City games are going to televised in the Long Island region in 2012.

Florida Panthers

It’s all right… at least the team dodged a bullet by not re-signing Jay Bouwmeester for huge money.
Unfortunately… star winger, David Booth, wasn’t as slick when it came to dodging bullets and now has a hole in his brain.

Toronto Maple Leafs

It’s all right… last summer, nobody thought the Leafs would be able to acquire two franchise players in such a short span, but those doubters were proven wrong.
Unfortunately… Burke traded said players to Boston.

St. Louis Blues

It’s all right… the team sanctioned golf cart driving courses paid of this year; everyone passed the course.
Unfortunately… all the Blues’ young players were so nervous about the road test that they stopped concentrating on hockey.

Calgary Flames

It’s all right… the organization is closer than ever to firing anyone with the surname “Sutter”.
Unfortunately… fans will face a few tense weeks when news breaks that a “McGuire” has sent in his resume.

Anaheim Ducks

It’s all right… at least management dodged a bullet when they realized, right before the deadline, that Vesa Toskala was on their roster.
Unfortunately… Jason Blake’s name managed  to elude them.

Dallas Stars

It’s all right… the retirement of Mike Modano and departure of Marty Turco will bring a sense of change to the team.
Unfortunately… the organization risks alienating their fan base when fans become confused as to why their team no longer deploys the heavily-padded 3rd defenseman like they have over the past nine seasons.

Edmonton Oilers

It’s all right… unlike their neighbors to the south, the Oilers will enter next season with a solid core of prospects in their organization.
Unfortunately… the rogue parking enforcement officer has already been seen running their plates through the system in anticipation.

Minnesota Wild

It’s all right… a sense of optimism and change ran rampant in the area when new management was overheard saying stuff like: “bringing in a game-changer,” and “playing an open run-n-gun style.”
Unfortunately… they were just making small talk about the Minnesota Vikings.

Columbus Blue Jackets

It’s all right… despite the rough season, the BJs still managed to make life miserable for Brian Burke by locking up Rick Nash.
Unfortunately… life was even more miserable for Blue Jackets fans as they watched Andrew Raycroft Steve Mason regress.

Not following along on twitter? Can’t say that I blame you.

This is our ode to the individuals who will be leaving us (or, in the case of some, should be leaving us) now that the regular season has come to an end.

To set the mood for what you are about to read, Blades of Funny highly recommends that you play Elton John’s 1973 soft-rock smash hit Goodbye Yellow Brick Road prior to continuing. This is not mandatory, but it will enrich the lives of those who choose to go that route.

So without further adieu, let us salute the NHLers who will be calling it a career…

Goodbye, Mike Modano… May a retiree lifestyle provide you with more than enough time to spend time alongside your lovely wife, and also to better research the investments suggested to you by your financial advisor.

Goodbye, Keith Tkachuk… May you be at peace with your decision to retire, knowing that hotel managers in NHL cities can now finally get a good night’s sleep.

Goodbye, Mark Recchi… You indubitably have seen and heard so many things in your wonderful 1485-point career. We hope that experience will serve you well as you listen to out-of-shape radio jockeys debate your Hall of Fame worthiness for the next three decades.

Goodbye, Scott Niedermayer… Oh no, uh-uh. We’re not going to waste time coming up with something clever to write as you tease us, yet again, with your retirement flirtation.

Goodbye, Matieu Schneider… Unfortunately, with pictures of your mug no longer making the dailies, The Canadian Dental Association is going to be forced to allocate dollars for advertising. So that, umm, kind of sucks for them.

Goodbye, Rob Blake… In 1998, you inspired us by showing that miracles can happen. Oh yes, Rob, you certainly did. You showed us that one can harness enough Norris Trophy votes from eastern voters based solely on what they saw on morning highlight shows.

Goodbye, Doug Weight… Wait, what? You were still playing? Where???

Goodbye, Teemu Selanne… Even though you did not live up to the pace of 1400 career-goals that you teased us with after your rookie season, it was still one hell of a career. Except for that year in Colorado. And, well,  those years in San Jose were quite lame too. And, oh yeah, your rookie card never went up in value — in fact it dropped significantly. Bah, you suck Teemu!

Goodbye, Chris Chelios… “Thank you for finally putting an end to all those lame ageist jokes.” Signed, The Internet.

Goodbye, Jeff Finger… You were one hell of a negotiator. Thankfully, your self-consciousness got the best of you, and you decided to cut the charade short.

In lieu of flowers, these players ask that you subscribe to the Blades of Funny twitter feed instead.