Just like your favorite musicians, NHL GMs also have peculiar requests when setting up shop abroad. Take a look at some of the items that  general managers have requested for the upcoming NHL draft:

Boston Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli requested that his table be stocked with gifts that he can hand over to Brian Burke every 15 minutes on Friday…

George McPhee hopes that the custom-made milk cartons he requested will help aid in his search for a Russian who went missing in April…

Steve Tambellini was pressured by the city to bring thousands of these Edmonton Tourism pamphlets to distribute around the arena, since Friday will be the first time in 20 years that Edmonton actually matters…

Blackhawks GM Stan Bowman requested an eye-catching banner which he plans to park a bunch of his players under in hopes of enticing other GMs…

Since May, Canucks GM Mike Gillis won’t go anywhere without his dart board, so naturally this was his only request…

With lots of time to kill on Friday, Brian Burke requested his table be stocked with something that he can use to keep himself busy, and still make himself the center of attention…

Panthers GM Dale Tallon requested the services of the Travelocity gnome for his table. We believe he needs assistance to coordinate the massive exodus of dead weight out of Florida…

Lou Lamoriello requested a table up front and a case of projectiles which he can throw on stage whenever another team drafts a player he wanted…

Looks like Calgary Flames fans doctored their team’s rider with the hopes of giving Darryl Sutter something productive to do during the first round, rather than him using that time to make “schrewd” Darryl Sutter moves…

Finally, on the heels of trading Halak and giving Plekanec a 6 year term at $5 million per, it’s little wonder that the Montreal Canadiens requested what they requested…

More Blades of Funny available on Twitter. 657 followers can’t be wrong (even if half are marketers of enlargement pills).

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis does some freaky mathematician stuff to see what Crosby’s numbers would look like had he played in the 80′s. He also adjusts Gretzky’s stats from that era to see what they’d look like over an 82-game season.

Man, every time I glance at Wayne’s 200+ point seasons, they blow my mind. Which leads me to the following point: Remember in our hockey pools when we had to draft Wayne’s and Mario’s assists and points separately, and Steve Yzerman became the fallacious #1 pick? If you do, you’re getting old!

Down Goes Brown – DGB tries to explain why the Ottawa Senators lost money this season. Mind you, it’s not a coincidence that the sum total of their losses amounted to $4 million. After all, it’s hard to budget for getting robbed blinded by a disgruntled employee.

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying on the financial topic, Mike Halford has a rundown of teams that will soon be feeling the salary cap pinch. I was shocked — and I mean SHOCKED — to see the Florida Panthers on the list. On second glance, though, I realized they employ Bryan McCabe, so cap issues are to be expected.

View From My Seats – Matt Reitz shares a transcript of Dale Tallon’s meeting with Florida ownership. While you read that, I’m going to ponder why I always want to write “Dave” Tallon instead of “Dale”. Dave just seems to flow better. I think his parents made a mistake … Jeez, I hope his parents aren’t dead ’cause I don’t want them to haunt me over this. F#ck, maybe I should just scrap what I just wrote…

Flames Nation – Ken Wilson argues that middle class goalies are interchangeable, and uses stats to back up his point. This leads him to conclude that it may be wise for the Flames to deal Kiprusoff while they still can. That’s quite a ballsy opinion for a Flames fan to have. Y’know, considering that Darryl Sutter will be the one making the trade; Probably will end with Kimmo Timonen coming back in exchange.

IIHF – Some guy working for the IIHF blasts players who chose not to partake in the World Championships. I’m not saying this is a self-serving article from someone who may have an axe to grind, but let me tell you this: I wouldn’t be surprised if some quota wasn’t met and, as a result, Szymon Szemberg’s wife will not be getting the new diamond necklace he promised her. An unhappy wife is an unhappy life, so take that Sidney Crosby!

Down Goes Brown – DGB returns for an encore. This time with a look at Boston Bruins excuses for their epic collapse. I hope Leafs fans milk this collapse for all they can, afterall, it’s only fair since the Bruins have been milking Toronto for a while now.

Truth & Rumors – The ever-entertaining William Houston sides with Willie Mitchell on his rant against league disciplinarian Colin Campbell. Good read, but back to Dale “should have been Dave” Tallon”s parents. They’re alive, right? I just heard a noise in my basement. You don’t think, do you? Getting kind of freaked out here…

The Pens Blog – Fantastic post that sticks it to those who are running Trade Malkin stories. The gap between the mainstream media and  bloggers is narrowing by the day. Heck, writers from both camps already share the same mode of transporation (for those too lazy to click the link, the ride of choice is a Honda Accord with over 500,000 km’s on the dash).

Bloge Salming – A typical day in the life of Gary Bettman set to the tune of Like A Boss. Great work as always by Bloge.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week Five for Howling and The Rat Trick. Sorry if I missed anyone. Big thanks also to everyone that spread the funny on Twitter and around the internet.

Speaking of Twitter, Blades of Funny is now up to a new record of 581 followers. That’s pretty much the plateau I would think, especially if I keep coming out with material like this:

Random Thought:

I do not care one iota about the IIHF World Hockey Championships. There, I said it. In YOUR face, Szymon Szemberg. BTW, your parents also screwed up your name.

Uh-oh! Why do I keep doing this to myself???

Blades of Funny went 2-2 in the 2nd round, and all it took to achieve this averageness was a comeback for the ages. Overall playoff record now stands at 6-6. Average to the core, baby!

For the Conference Finals, I’ve decided to switch things up. Instead of looking forward and coming up with wacky storylines, I’m going to do what the pros do: compare the teams.

Montreal vs. Philadelphia

Hal Gill

Montreal… deploys a gameplan which revolves in getting badly outplayed and then pulling out a miraculous victory.
Philadelphia… has also caught on to this style.

Montreal… players have been known to interact with distasteful individuals off the ice.
Philadelphia… players have been known to interact with distasteful individuals on the ice.

Montreal… has faced four goalies thus far in the playoffs.
Philadelphia… are fully expecting to dress four goalies going forward.

Montreal… fans have a reputation of losing their minds during playoff time.
Philadelphia… fans have a reputation of losing their minds all year round.

Montreal… has a guy in goal who’s been compared to Ken Dryden and Patrick Roy.
Philadelphia… has Michael Leighton. <—— HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Verdict: Montreal in 6.

Chicago vs. San Jose

Stylin' Bufflyn

San Jose… has a guy they call Jumbo who rarely shows up in the postseason.
Chicago… has a jumbo guy who rarely shows up. Period.

San Jose… led by Joe Pavelski, have torn apart the opposition in these playoffs.
Chicago… has also left their opposition torn apart, just ask Sami Salo.

San Jose… has a star sniper whose desire for change last summer made him act like a jackass.
Chicago… has a star sniper whose desire for change last summer also made him act like a jackass.

San Jose… defeated the Red Wings in the second round.
Chicago… also defeated a whiny team/fan base in the second round.

San Jose… does not have Marian Hossa.
Chicago… has Marian Hossa, which means it’s allllllll good, baby baby…this round, anyway.

The Verdict: Chicago is 6.

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter. Over there, I try to solve life’s mysteries … like why the Bruins collapsed:

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Not Friday, nope, but I  ain’t going to explain how this works; I’ve done enough of that in issues past. I’m just glad that this week is over ’cause it was quite the difficult one for yours truly. Not difficult in the big picture of the world sense of things, but a pain in the behind no less. Long story short, Monday started off crappy and by Thursday I was in the fetal position begging for mercy. But now here I am, much wiser (lie) and a couple grand poorer (not a lie). Why am I telling you this? Well, you’re my bestest friend and if I can’t share these things with you, why are we BFFs?

Anyways, here are the links. Excuse me if I came across sounding bitter, it was never my intention.

Cult of Hockey – A story of how the Oilers came up with their original colors and logo. Surprise, surprise, it has something to do with pandering to big business (’cause we all know they need to be shown gratitude in addition to the money they extort from citizens.) Life is sooooo fair.

Bloge Salming – The Matt Cooke Show. Matt Cooke symbolizes everything that’s wrong with this world. If he was an average Joe and spent his days annoying and assaulting people downtown, he’d be considered a homeless bum and be disposed of. Instead, because he does it as part of his job, he gets paid millions of dollars, much like a banker. Life is sooooo fair.

Puck Daddy – A couple of guys with too much time and money on their hands spend their life scheming of ways to sneak a shark into the arena. So, while people are starving all over the world, these guys sacrifice perfectly good food to millionaire hockey players. I assume their day job involves working for a bank.  Life is sooooo fair.

View From My Seats – A look at who has IT and what IT is. If you need further clarification about IT, ask John Druce. Though, according to his Wikipedia page, he works for a financial services company so whatever he tells you is probably going to be a lie.

MC 79 Hockey – Sifting through the ashes of the Washington Capitals 1st round loss. Tyler calls out people who are trying to distort the facts because they’re either clueless or lazy. Based on this I assume that Tyler is not a banker because if he was, he’d be all for being lazy and distorting the facts.

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis shares his thoughts on Don Cherry taking exception to HNIC resorting to reading emails from jerks. Cherry sounds like a hypocrite to me ’cause his whole shtick comes off like a rambling email from a jerk. You know who else comes off like a rambling, jerkish hypocrite? A banker. (Ed’s note — I like Cherry; A banker, not so much.)

Stay Classy – Burgundy, inspired by Blades of Funny (I know, I know, wtf is this world coming to, right?) shares some Chat Roulette screenshots featuring NHL players. What do all three players have in common? They all posses the character traits of someone working in the financial services industry: Jagr goes where the money is;  Thomas disappears after getting the money; and Cooke is a straight-up a-hole.

Cult of Hockey – A look at what it’s like to be a hockey player in Montreal. I addition to the adoration and the money, being a Canadiens player also allows you to partake in sexy time with Canada’s most attractive and liberal female population. Life is sooooo fair.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week: Down Goes Brown, Puck Daddy, St Louis Game Time, The Rat Trick, Stay Classy, Preds On The Glass, Five For Howling and if I missed someone it’s probably because I was too busy getting the shaft by the wonderful folks working in the financial service industry. Deal with it, life ain’t fair!

No Twitter screenshots today because if you’re not following along by now, you probably never will. But I must say that you missed some epic poking fun at the Vancouver Canucks on Friday. I assume I lost all my Vancouver followers, so my twitter stream no longer smells like sushi, luxury automobiles, designer clothing, and a whiny smugness. Which means my Twitter stream no longer smells like a banker.

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

–The Caps lost! The Caps lost! Ohhhhh myyyyy gaaaaawd!

–The best analysis I read of the series was penned by Justin Jason Bourne (YESSS!!! I’m the first one to ever use that joke on him) on his blog.

Washington is the first team I can ever remember watching that’s worse when they try harder.

I couldn’t agree more. Justin Jason Bourne’s (BOOM!!! AGAIN!!!) blog is quickly becoming one of my favorite hockey reads. Good insight, easy-to-read style, and humor mixed in. Basically everything that Blades of Funny is not.  Plus Justin (I have stopped) seems like a really cool guy to just shoot the breeze with. Quite the looker too. Add his blog to your list.

–Jeez, rereading what I just wrote, it may come across to some like I have a man-crush. Maybe I should erase it? … Nah, I’ll leave it in and see where it goes.

–But back to the Caps. One thing they shouldn’t do is go out and get a high-priced goalie. With Varlamov and Neuvirth developing, it would be pretty unwise to use up cap space on an expensive goalie. <cough>Boston</cough>.

–What about trading Semin and bringing in a shutdown defenseman, you ask? Again, I don’t think they need to do anything rash. Breaking the piggy bank for Volchenkov or Hamhuis isn’t wise with Karl Alzner still developing. Besides, the Caps lost because they thought they would coast through Montreal and instead, they ran into a hot goalie. I think they’ve learned their lesson.

–With that said, Bruce Boudreau is to blame. It’s the coach’s job to make sure his team is mentally sharp. Should he lose his job? I’m an anonymous hockey blogger on the internet, so I think I’m as qualified as anyone to answer this for you…but I can’t.

–Is Anton Volchenkov the coolest name in hockey, or what? Sounds like a smooth Russian gangster who is about to order a hit on the mayor.

Much cooler than Alexander Ovechkin.

And don’t even get me started on how much cooler it is than Semin.

Uh-uh-uh… There was no Semin left for the playoffs because he blew his load in the regular season.

YES!

–You’ve probably already heard this story about Brooks Laich changing a stranger’s tire after Game 7. What you may have missed is the following line:

The jack fell down, and he had to start again.

That could serve as a great metaphor for the Caps next season…

The 2010-11 Washington Capitals
“This Time We’ll Jack It Right”

Don’t you love how I’m able to spin this web? I’m like Spider-Man. Only cooler.

–If the Flames had signed Cammalleri instead of Bouwmeester, do you think they would have made the playoffs? I do.

–On a blog, whose name escapes me at the moment, a writer used the following nickname for Mikael Samuelsson: FU Sweden. I found that hilarious.

–Do you guys think that the Hart Trophy will cause sibling rivalry between Henrik and Daniel? I can totally picture the following scenes play out in real life:

(the twins meeting someone for the first time)

Henrik: i’m Henrik.
Daniel: i’m Daniel.
Henrik: i’m the one who was named mvp.

(someone asking the twins how to tell them apart)

Henrik: he’s the one without THIS. [lifts up hart trophy]

(daniel with wife over at henrik’s house for a dinner party)

Daniel’s wife (looking at the mantle which prominently displays the hart): what’s this?
Daniel: nothing.
Henrik’s wife: that’s MY husband’s mvp trophy.
Daniel’s wife: how come we don’t have one?
Henrik: ’cause he’s not as good as I am.

Oh sure, for the first few weeks it’ll be funny and Daniel will let out a meek laugh. After a while, though, I can totally see him asking for a trade and never speaking to Henrik again.

–Hey, let’s talk about the Panthers. Just kidding. Let’s talk about the Thrashers. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Kovalchuk signs with them come July 1st? Then again, if the Trashers have playoff aspirations, maybe signing Kovalchuk isn’t the wisest thing to do. OH SNAP!

–The Montreal Canadiens really ruined the sexy over in the East. Instead of Pittsburgh-Boston with the Savard/Cooke storyline, and Washington-Philadelphia with the offense vs. grit storyline, and then the possibility of the holy grail Washington-Pittsburgh final, we now get these lackluster matchups. It’s like when you anticipate meeting that sexy girl you met online and she turns out to look nothing like she did in the picture she sent you. The Canadiens are like the lying bi#%h of this years playoffs. Did that even make sense?

–While reading Elliotte Friedman’s 30 Thoughts this week, I found this part quite odd:

A Western Conference front-office type on Mason Raymond: “He’s like a little Sedin.” That’s a nice compliment.

This would be true if the Sedins had lightning speed and sub-par puck possession ability. Someone should tell Darryl Sutter about this guy so he can trade him Ales Kotalik. Then again, that guy may actually be Darryl Sutter.

–This is a good read about Jim Corsi and the Corsi number which is gaining popularity among hockey nerds bloggers. I’m not much of an in-depth stats guy; I like sticking to the basics. That could explain why I was always good in math class up until grade 11 rolled around and everything went to sh#%. Then again, perhaps the real reason was the pot. Perhaps.

The End.

I challenge you to a thumb war…on Twitter! Not tonight though, as that’s the night I dust the Justin Jason Bourne posters in my bedroom.