(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

–Congratulations to the Blackhawks on winning the Cup. Just goes to show that if you suck for a decade, get some high picks, steal a few players via trade, and then sign some role players into the mix, you can achieve success. Basically the exact opposite approach that the Leafs have employed (besides the suck for a decade thing).

–I was too young to watch the Oilers win their first Cup but I imagine that the Hawks are the closest thing we’ve seen to that Oilers team of the 80′s. An Oilers-lite version, if you will. If not for the salary cap, they could very well become a dynasty. But with the cap, that’s not likely. I can certainly see them winning another Cup or two in the next 6 years but no way can they capture 4 over that span.

–The bonuses that carry over to next year are just a killer. Obviously, Huet will be parked in the AHL, but then what?

The names that are bandied about are Sharp, Versteeg and Byfuglien. If I had to choose one of those three to move, it would definitely be Big Buff. There is no better time to move him than right now, when his stock is at an all-time high. (Plus he becomes RFA next season, and with Seabrook also up, next summer can become messy too.)

I’d have a hard time getting rid of  Versteeg or Sharp. They’re the guys that give Chicago that killer depth that’s been such a key to the way they play the game.

–But humor me for a second: Is Brian Campbell untradeable?  I wouldn’t be surprised if some team takes the bait and snags him. After all, the Rangers managed to unload Gomez last year.

–The reason I think Campbell is tradeable is because of Tomas Kaberle. I’m shocked at what some people (Brian Burke included) think that Kaberle can fetch. Granted there are some major differences contract-wise but a team would basically have to give up nothing to acquire Campbell — I would think anyway.

And yeah, I think Kaberle is over-hyped but he does have fair contract. If Campbell was a $5m cap hit, that would make a world of difference. But then you’d have to give up assets in return. It’s all a give and take, right?

–I was asked by Matt to participate in his 2010 Year End Blogger Style Awards. When my votes are revealed, I hope you take the time to laugh at me and call me an idiot. Thanks.

–Hockey never sleeps. The next month will be as action-packed as any in the hockey world. I myself can’t wait for July 1st when people laugh and jeer a GM for the moves he makes, only to have to bite their tongue when his team miraculously makes the Conference Finals as an 8th seed.

–But you got to love July 1st. A select group of NHLers become big fish in a small pond and get to reap the rewards. What other time of the year can Dan Hamhuis and Anton Volchenkov bring out the “OMG!! WE F**KING SIGNED HIM. I’M SO HAPPY!!!” in fans?

Granted, 6 months later those screams will turn into: “OMG!! WHY THE F**K DID WE PAY HIM THAT MUCH? HE SUCKS!!!”

–You know who is approaching a Bettman-level of being pompous and condescending? Ron MacLean. It’s scary to see how fast that disease is progressing in him. OSHL coined the phrase The Importance of Being Ron MacLean(c), I’d really like to see it catch on.

–That was really mean. I feel like I’m becoming a real blogger now!

–The playoffs this year were awesome. So many entertaining stories and so many great moments. Can’t ask for more, besides maybe a better montage song.

–That’s it for today. Don’t forget to follow BoF on Twitter. I’m in full-scale World Cup mode. If you’re wondering what my team is, it’s Argentina, and has been since I watched my first World Cup as a kid. My wife is from Brazil so that makes for an entertaining period in our household. I’m really stoked to see Diego Maradona roaming the sidelines tomorrow. That in itself should be entertaining.

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Let me start off by sharing my pick for the Finals. I’ve spent the past few days stressed out ’cause of this pick. This is because I’ve gone 7-7 with my predictions this postseason and everything (including the reputation of Blades of Funny as the world’s most credible source for hockey information) rides on not falling below .500.

I’ve wrestled back and forth for hours, it was quite gay actually, but I finally settled on the Blackhawks in 7.

I look at it like this:

1. The goaltending is a draw (one thing I learned in these playoffs is that making funny of Philly netminding just comes back to make me look more foolish every time).
2. The defensemen are a draw (even though I’d take Seabrook-Ketih over any tandem in the league, Chris Pronger is a bastard who can be a difference maker).
3. The forwards are a draw (both teams are stacked).
4. The coaching is a draw (both coaches have done a solid job for their teams; if Philly wins the new trend in hockey may be to fire your coach mid-season if you want to win the Cup).
5. Even the anthem singing is a draw.

I’m giving it to Chicago because I don’t want Carcillo to have the Stanley Cup for a day. For if he does, we may never see the Cup again. (I’m sure he’d figure out a way to trash the second one that’s in the Hall of Fame , too,  and that’d be the end of that).

On to the links…

Down Goes Brown – Dipping into the archives, we find a young wide-eyed DGB blogging about Game 6 of the 1993 Western Conference Finals. This is so well done that I worry about this man’s sanity; It almost seems like he’s been watching that game on a loop for the past 17 years.

Puck Daddy - Greg takes an in-depth look at Vince Vaughn, the Chicago Blackhawks fan. Now, I agree with Greg that “Fred Claus” was an atrocious movie, but I just watched “Four Christmasses” a little while back and it was pretty funny. The best friend marrying his mom part had me laughing quite a bit.

Intent To Blow – Flyers fan Tasered in NJ office for being an insufferable douche. I really hope that the Flyers fans take things to another level in these Finals. As much as it may not be politically correct to say, I do find random beatdowns and assaults at sporting events entertaining (as long as they aren’t happening to me, of course).

Don’t Trade Vinny – I’m including this link for no other reason than that this guy has been cyber-stalking me on Twitter demanding a link; I had no choice but to bow down to his demands. I tell ya, what some people will do for a few extra hits.

TMZ – Look! A  hockey guy makes TMZ. That’s great news for growing the sport. Going to read it now … umm, never mind.

Deadspin – Look! A hockey guy makes Deadspin because of his daughter, going to read it now against my better judgement … Conclusion:  THIS one is not creepy!

National Post – If you ever wanted to see Tyler Seguin’s “O” face, you’re in luck.

TSN – Prospects handle tough questions during NHL Combine. Let me take a stab at a few:

What would you like better, a gun, or a good poem?

Is the gun loaded with unlimited bullets? If so, the gun. If not, the gun. So yeah, the gun without question.

If you were getting invaded by a country in a war and you had to take one family member with you, who would it be?

Take them where? Another country? Are there no immigration laws? Am I able to take a friend instead? Can I take the gun in the question above, shoot Mike Fisher, and take Carrie Underwood instead? I NEED MORE INFO HERE, GUYS!

Toronto Sun – I’m surprised we haven’t yet heard Brian Burke proclaim that he’s going to go after Hall or Seguin in the draft. Last year, his “going after” Tavares attitude was quite amusing. I guess this year he figures it’s best to lay low and pretend like there is no draft.

Cult of Hockey – Oilers play-by-play man Rod Phillips retires. As a hockey geek, I’ve listened in to quite a few Oilers games and Rod has a unique gift to make every game sound exciting. Try to comprehend that for a second: he makes Edmonton Oilers games sound exciting. Good God, that’s remarkable really.  Truly one of the best in the biz.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week: Puck Daddy, Five for Howling,  The Rat Trick. Sorry if I missed anyone. Thanks to all those that RT’d on Twitter and shared BoF on message boards.

Speaking of Twitter, I’m now up to 616 followers. I’m not “tweeting” as much lately but when inspirations strikes, I shall be there!

Closing Thought: I’m quite geeked for the World Cup. I guess you could say I’m a soccer fan — I don’t think any Euros or South Americans read this blog so I don’t have to call it “football” — in the same way that some people are hockey fans only during the Olympics. Still, the World Cup probably ranks as my favorite sporting event. Period.

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

The Hockey News – With a headline like “Penguins must trade Malkin,” this has to be classified as humor. If you’re not sold yet, check out what’s inside:

Here’s an idea a couple of us came up with. I repeat, an idea we came up with. Not a rumor. Malkin and a fifth round pick to Edmonton for the first overall selection, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson and Sheldon Souray.

[...]

It’d be a good old-fashioned hockey trade and a win for both sides.

Let’s dissect this: On one hand, you have a team, which is one year removed from a Stanley Cup and back-to-back Finals appearances, trading away one of the top 3 players in the game. On the other hand, you have a team, which has been treading water for two decades and are now finally in a position to do a proper rebuild, trading away two of their blue chip prospects. A win for both sides? Humor indeed.

But you know what makes this a riot? The fact that Burke essentially made this trade, only instead of getting Malkin, he got Phil Kessel. <Nelson Muntz laugh>

Distinct Kicking Motion – Canadiens Eliminate Penguins; Carey Price Pissed Off. While I’m certain my classification of the previous link is correct, I’m not quite sure if this one is satire or not.

Stay Classy – Staying with the Canadiens, Burgundy offers a few tips on how to do your rioting right. My tip would be to make sure your gang includes a few Leafs fans that have jumped on the Habs bandwagon. I’m sure those souls are bitter and ready to tear sh#t up Colton Orr-style.

Cowhide and Rubber – More Canadiens, this time with added gloating. Look at them, they’re so cute, so Cinderella-ish. Remember when Flames and Oilers fans were like this? We can only hope the future for Habs fans holds the same fate.

Bloge Salming – The New NHL Dating Website. I heard Luongo and the Canucks were considered for this but they were bumped when news came out that Roberto’s inability to perform caused Vancouver to have a torrid love affair with a sexy young redhead.

(Ed’s note: To those of you that googled “sexy young redhead” and wound up here, I’m sorry. However, if you wish to stay, you must put on a pair of pants. It’s a BoF rule.)

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying with Luongo, Jason Brough puts the “Luongo sucks because of the ‘C’” argument in perspective. There are bigger issues; the ‘C’ is just an easy thing to point to. Sort of like how alcohol takes the blame when, after a night of partying, you wake up with a 2.5 beside you. Sure, the alcohol played a role, but the fanny pack you wore played a bigger role.

MC 79 Hockey – Tyler Dellow calls out new Thrashers GM Rick Dudley for fabricating. While Tyler’s words are scathing, they pale in comparison to the beatdown Dudley will receive from Kane. Evander don’t like no liars.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette – Sidney is set to move out of Lemieux’s basement. I guess Mario finally had enough of Crosby’s crying and whining.

What’s that? That was an obvious joke and you expected more from BoF?  My bad, let me try again.

Sidney is set to move out of Lemieux’s basement. I heard he bought a place in New York with Lebron James. The home will affectionately be nicknamed “The Baby Crib.”

Ha! That’ll teach you to demand funny from me.

Puck Daddy – Does something stink in Jersey? Yes. But Steven Ovadia takes a look at possible strife in the Devils organization. Not surprising ’cause, much like a marriage, when jars of jelly start hitting the wall, things are no longer rosy.

View From My Seats – Fellow basement shut-in hockey blogger Matt Reitz pays homage to a departed friend. Nicely done, I think I’ll end with this.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week: Down Goes Brown, Puck Daddy, Five for Howling,  The Rat Trick, Second City Hockey, Hockey Independent, Hockey N’ High Heels, Fantasy Hockey Scouts, Dobber Hockey, Nucks Misconduct, Ms. Blackhawks, and Distinct Kicking Motion. Sorry if I missed anyone. Thanks to all those that RT’d on Twitter and shared BoF on message boards. I am forever your humble servant.

One last thing I have to share with you because I found it utterly hilarious…

The photo and caption are courtesy of St. Louis Game Time:

“It’s not often that you can pinpoint the exact moment that a guy leaps off of one bandwagon straight onto the awaiting deck of another bandwagon, but we did it tonight.”

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Ah-ha! It’s not Friday, now is it? I told you this thing has a mind of its own. Sure, I could just drop the “Friday” from the title, but for branding purposes I refuse to. Besides, if I do that, it may confuse readers.

The Rat Trick -  Blades of Funny supporter Frank Rekas compares the Florida Panthers to Seinfeld. Didn’t expect to read about the Florida Panthers at this time of year, did ya? Well, that’s just how we do things here at Blades of Funny; we’re just one big curveball on the hockey blogosphere. But seriously, reading about the plight of a Panthers fan does put things in perspective. Sort of like when those feed the children commercials come on while your watching Ellen Degeneres. It cleanses the soul. (And to answer your question, yes, yes I do.)

View From My Seats – One man’s gripe with non-hockey people writing hockey stories. I thought the article had a good kickoff to it, which drew me in like a fake bunt. Then Matt called a well-timed audible, brought in some powerful links from the bullpen, and went into the locker room with the lead at halftime. His prevent defense caused him some problems in the latter stages, but with the clock down to the two-minute warning, he pulled up for a fadeaway 3-pointer and…SWOOOSH!!!

Bonus: Ken Hitchcock is so fat that when he asked Mason what happened to his doughnuts this year, Steve replied, “you ate half of them!”

I’m sorry. That was just awful.

Down Goes Brown – Listing some of the features that the NHL will be rolling out on Facebook. DGB may laugh at the CFL now, but when the league gains a strong foothold in the Maritimes ahead of all the other leagues, who’ll be laughing then? … DGB still will? Okay, just asking.

Hockey Or Die – Jonathan Willis takes a quick look at how the league’s top 25 scorers ended up with their current team. 76% arrived by way of the draft. Someone should print this out and send it to Brian Burke…via a time machine.

Intent To Blow – Boudreau, Ovechkin admit they were unaware playoff series can end in under 7 games. Also unaware that in the playoffs, powerplay goals do count towards the final score.

Don’t Trade Vinny – A Lightning blogger tries his hand at online dating. Too bad he doesn’t actually live in Florida ’cause all the ladies down there would think he’s exotic. That, and — as we’ve learned with the ‘Hawks conquests in Vancouver — Florida does have a higher grade of women than Illinois. [ducks down]

I’m sorry. I’m just an awful, awful man boy.

Orland Kurtenblog – The pageantry of Canucks Day captured in photos. And with that, my friends, Vancouver just overtook Vancouver for last place in “hockey cool.”

Four Habs Fans – A list of ten things to hate about the Washington Capitals. Complete with references to Bob Mason, Dennis Maruk, and one of my all-time favorite crazies Dale Hunter. This is quite possibly the most brilliant hate piece put out since Tupac’s Hit ‘Em Up.

Stay Classy – The legend that is Burgundy managed to get his hands on a couple pages from the NHL’s 2010 yearbook. I also have it on good authority that the “Going To Prom” pictorial will feature this spread.

Thanks to the following blogs that linked here this week: Puck Daddy, Cult of Hockey, Five for Howling and The Rat Trick. Big thanks to all those who left a comment on the site and also on Twitter.

Random Thought:

This morning I tuned into a Montreal sports station, thinking that I’ll be able to catch some of the hype surrounding Game 7. To my surprise they were talking European soccer. Quite odd, I thought.

I then turned to a Vancouver sports station, hoping to catch some laughs about Canucks Day. To my surprise, they were discussing this story about the Dolphins GM who asked a potential draft pick if his mom was a prostitute. Quite odd, I thought, but much more entertaining than European soccer talk, so I tuned in long enough to catch one of the hosts go on a rant about how wrong that GM was even though you’ll probably hear some blogger clowns defend him. Was that a vague shout-out to Blades of Funny? Methinks it was.

I then changed to an Ottawa sports station. They were talking about Twitter and some Cialis commercial [FACEPALM]. At that point, I put Nirvana’s Lake of Fire cover on repeat and decided to write up this post.

Bonus Random Thought:

I think it’s entirely fair for a GM to ask a potential draftee if his mother was a prostitute. He did no wrong. I’m sure some radio clowns will attack me over this, but that’s the risk us blogger clowns have to live with every day, anyways.

Twitter

I don’t mean to scare anyone, but the Blades of Funny Twitter stream is like a runaway freight train; 377 followers and gaining steam! Do you ever wonder why this is the case? I’ll tell you why: it’s because I am a brilliant, brilliant man, yet my only platform to emancipate this brilliance is on Twitter.

Come with me now as I share my tweet journey from the past week…

First, there was this entirely inappropriate and insensitive tweet which would make George Carlin proud. This was a day after this story broke; some said it was “too soon”, to them I say it was “too funny.”

Then there was this tweet, which set a new record for RTs. (For those of you reading who are not nerds, RT stands for Retweet; and Retweet stands for sharing the tweet; and tweet stands for a 140 character message sent via Twitter; and Twitter stands for a place where nerds party with other nerds.)

In between such brilliant tweets, I also managed to act like a jackass towards respected hockey media. Like Cassie Campbell who left his message:

To which I replied:

Oh yes, between nosebleeds, great fun was had by all.

Credit: GreekBoston.com

While the hockey media was busy fighting amongst themselves on Twitter, Blades of Funny decided to launch thorough investigations into some of the hockey stories that have been making headlines. What you are about to read will shock you. Sadly, however, it will not make you laugh.

Myth: In a fit of rage about his team’s play, Lou Lamoriello hurled a jar of jelly at the wall to show his players how upset he was.

Truth: A jar of jelly is Brodeur’s traditional appetizer for every post-game meal; Lou was just handing it over to Marty — sort of how a trainer hands fish to a whale — and, unfortunately but not unexpectedly, the jar went through Marty’s five-hole and exploded when it hit the wall behind him. This then led Lamoriello to mumble something under his breath about “flying projectiles”, “washed-up has-beens”, and “not a good idea”.

Myth: The Green Men who hang around the visitors’ penalty box in Vancouver are just a couple of lighthearted Canucks fans.

Truth: Secret documents have revealed to us that these “green men” are actually covert Maple Leaf operatives, sent there by Brian Burke and Dave Nonis to convince upcoming truculent UFAs to sign with the Leafs come July 1st.

Myth: Oilers management decided to fire some of their support staff in an attempt to bring new blood into the room.

Truth: They didn’t get fired, they asked to be… [hits breaks on beating a dead horse] …

They were fired as a result of the team’s new policy to mend their relationship with ultra-sensitive defenseman Sheldon Souray. Blades of Funny insiders tell us that the following events led to the demise of each employee:

• Head trainer Ken Lowe was once overheard saying that he thought Souray’s tattoos are kind of cheesy. When news of this made its way back to Souray, he cried for a week.
• Equipment manager Barry Stafford once mistakenly handed Sheldon a Horcoff stick. Souray assumed that this gesture was Stafford’s way to imply that he was overpaid. Souray cried for a week.
• Equipment manager Lyle Kulchisky run afoul with Souray when he flat-out refused to give up the nickname “Sparky”. Sheldon really wanted the moniker, and Lyle’s resistance to give it to him made Sheldon think that Lyle hated him. This caused Souray to cry for a week.

(Photo credit: bare-chested Souray comes courtesy of Hockey For The Ladies. And to answer the question on your mind right now; yes…yes, it is the hockey blog which I frequent the most.)

Myth: The NHL is bending its rules so that a big-market team like the Kings advance deep into the playoffs.

Truth: Due to compelling evidence presented to us by sources in Vancouver, we’re sad to inform you that this is, in fact, true. Fortunately, the NHL brain trust’s implementation of their plan has been as smooth and successful as most everything they touch. This leads us to assure small-market fans that they have nothing to worry about. On the other hand, fans of big-market teams are pretty much screwed.

Myth: Dion Phaneuf will be named Toronto’s captain because he exemplifies all the qualities that Leafs management is looking for in a captain.

Truth: In October, Burke was quoted saying the following when asked about what it takes to be a Maple Leafs captain:

First off, a captain’s personal life off the ice and his play on the ice must be beyond reproach.”

So yeah, we’re not quite sure what the truth really is, but we’re pretty sure it isn’t THAT.

The End.

Shocking news on the Twitter front!!! Blades of Funny now has 351 followers; 349 of whom are being kind enough to teach me how I can make money in my spare time at home. God bless the kind and generous souls who frequent the internet.