Senile auctioneer Dale Tallon seen here auctioning off his assets to an empty room.

For those of you wondering how much the car repair bill from my last post came to, it was $1500. To raise the cash I had to spend all of February on the street corner turning tricks However, due to “shrinkage” thanks to this awful winter we’re having, I still came up short — at least that’s the excuse I’m sticking to! So now you know why posting has been so light lately.

Here are some thoughts while I bathe the ashamed stench from my body, replacing it with the ashamed stench of a grown man who takes baths.

–Hey, remember the last post where I wrote these brilliant words:

I don’t have much hockey commentary today, but if there was such a thing as being able to buy the Devils stock right now, I’d do it.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had the Devils ranked #4 overall.

–I didn’t participate much on Twitter lately but there were great laughs to be had at the expense of silly reporters on deadline day. Puck Daddy had a great review of all the shenanigans. It’s funny ’cause so many of these media guys take themselves and their jobs so seriously, but in reality they’re just like you and me!

–Speaking of deadline day, let’s talk about the subject of this post: Dale Tallon.

Look, I get the whole “blowing up the team because it sucks and is going nowhere” but besides Niclas Bergfors, Tallon got absolutely nothing in return in this latest fire sale. In fact, if you go back to the Horton and Ballard trades, Tallon really only got Bergfors and two late 1st round picks (used select Nick Njugstad and Quinton Howden). What’s worse is that he’ll probably lose Vokoun for nothing in the summer and still has the Olesz ($3,125,00 untill 2014) and Booth ($4,250,00 until 2015) contracts on the books.

The best trade Tallon made was getting Grabner in the Ballard trade but he then promptly waived Grabner who now has 25 goals and is a +9 (and is used to kill penalties!!!) on Long Island. Hindsight is 20-20 you say, but I voiced this opinion throughout the summer/fall. Grabner is notorious for having crappy training camps so I’m pretty sure Tallon had no clue as to what type of player he was getting in him.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had Tampa Bay ranked #21 overall.

So yeah, Tallon gets a pass because of what he did in Chicago but he made some pretty boneheaded moves over there too.

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Dale Tallon.

The photo Gonchar used on Match.com to lure Bryan Murray last summer.

–Sergei Gonchar has two more years left at $5,500,000!

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Bryan Murray.

–Both the Erik Johnson/1st rounder for Chris Stewart/Kevin Shattenkirk and James Neal/Niskanen for Alex Goligoski trades were pretty fair and good for all teams involved. I’ve read people who chose sides and blasted the trades but I don’t see that as a reasonable take. Every one of those teams got what they needed/wanted.

–If I had to chose one player I’d want out of that bunch, I’d be Erik Johnson. My only concern with him is that he doesn’t strike me as the smartest cat around but hopefully that’ll change with experience and age.

–My wife watched the Oscars so I caught a bit of it (I would ever watch such a non-manly show on my own). People are blasting James Franco as a host, calling him too relaxed and carefree. To those people, I ask: what the f^%k did you expect from Franco? That’s his whole shtick and I’ve never seen him not be himself.

In conclusion, the Oscars and the people who watch them are silly.

//waves goodbye to the one female who reads this blog.

“Bye, Mom!”

–I had a chance to watch a few Ranger games this month (gambling will do that to you) and I was mightily impressed with Ryan McDonagh. That kid is going to be a very fine defenseman in this league for many years to come. Sucks for Habs fans.

–I was looking at the odds to win the Stanley Cup recently and the one that really stuck out for me was Nashville at 34 to 1. Good value there, my friends. The Preds totally strike me as a team built for the playoff grind.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, having the Lightning at 11 to 1 is just silly. No way they win more than one round (if that).

–You know, there’s a chance that Vancouver could meet Chicago in the 1st round and that would be truly epic. I’m sure Canuck fans are relieved they no longer have Big Buff to contend with, but if I were the Hawks coaching staff, I’d call up Kyle Beach, team him up with John Scott, plant both in Luongo’s crease and then count how long it takes for the ‘Nucks to self-destruct. I’d have the self-destruction over/under line set at 2.5 shifts.

–I’m already laughing at the team which overpays a 31-year-old Brad Richards in the summer. Not Gonchar-esque laughing but laughing nevertheless.

–That is all for today. Follow along on Twitter, I’ve lost some followers and would like to get them back just so I could block their rude asses for unfollowing me. You just don’t do such a thing to a man!

–OH, BEFORE I GO. LEAVE SOME COMMENTS, OTHERWISE I WON’T BLOG AGAIN . Yes, that was an empty threat and a pathetic display to get some attention from my reader(s).

Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

Credit: flickr MrNews1320

–Quick question: If Martin Brodeur asked you to choose a song for his summer soundtrack, which one would you choose? I’d go with Toby Keith’s “As Good As I Once Was”. The chorus for your reference:

I ain’t as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
But there was a time back in my prime
When I could really lay it down
And if you need some love tonight
Then I might have just enough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was

And to boot, the first verse contains a sister reference, so it’s a double score! Actually, if you factor in the fact that Marty and Toby have the same body-type, it’s a triple score!

What about for Lou Lamoriello? I’d choose David Bowie’s “The Man Who Sold The World”, a wonderful melody about a man who no longer recognizes who he used to be. Some sample lyrics for your reference:

We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn’t there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

And to boot, after the Kovalchuk trade, the title itself is quite fitting as well. Although, an improvised version of another song may be even more fitting for that storyline…

Old MacDonald had a farm,
ee i ee i oh
And on that farm all he had was Mattias Tedenby
ee i ee i oh no!

These are the things I think about in my waking hours. Don’t ask me why ’cause there really is no rhyme or reason to it.

—In fairness to Brodeur, Jonathan Willis wrote a pretty good piece in defense of Marty. I tend to agree with this, although after the Olympics and last year’s meltdown, it’s hard to argue that Marty has not lost some of his mystique.

–Are the Capitals the most difficult team to get a read on in this post-season? One period, they look like world beaters. The next, they look nervous and tentative. And they’re like that against the Habs, so imagine when the competition improves. I got the same vibe from them last year.

–Martin’s decision to start Price in game 4 is one that I don’t understand; the only good that could have come out of it is if Carey stole the game, and the chances of that ever happening — against the Caps, no less (he had a 3.39 GAA/.899 SV% in 4 games vs. WSH this season) — are what? 1 in 200?

–Please excuse me while I implement a savvy marketing strategy for this blog. (Tim Tebow will be a bust, Tim Tebow will be a star, Tim Tebow is Satan, Tim Tebow is God, Time Tebow wants you to watch hockey, Tim Tebow doesn’t want you to watch hockey, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow). Done. I just doubled traffic to this blog, and increased US hockey ratings tenfold. Saaaavvy! (I love that word.)

–I keep hearing about what a savvy (oh yeah!) signing Mikael Samuelsson was. While I do agree that it turned out really well for Vancouver, I do take objection to when people say it was the best. Without doubt (in my mind so take that for what it’s worth…ie: not much), Craig Anderson was the best off-season signing.

Now, let me rephrase what I just wrote in a “brash blogger” tone:

All the idiots who think that Mikael Samuelsson was the best signing this summer should be watching equestrian events instead of hockey because they know nothing about the sport. If they had half a brain, they’d know that Craig Anderson has been much more valuable to the Avs than anyone in the history of anything. Anyone who thinks otherwise should die. I AM AWESOME!

–Speaking of a “brash blogger tone”, here is a very calm and coherent piece by a Red Wings fan who doesn’t take things personally:

Those bi$#hes can suck it.  While Lidstrom may not deserve to win the Norris this season, he deserves to be a finalist.  No fauxing doubt about it.

By not voting for Lidstrom in a higher position, the pro hockey writers prove that they don’t watch hockey at all.  They put their blind faith in something far less useful.

Stats.  The pro hockey writers use stats as a crutch to replace actually watching lots of hockey.  It is now official.  The Norris Trophy will be the equivalent of the Art Ross Trophy for defenceman

[...]

There is no way Lidstrom is only the fourth best defenceman this season.  Stats have blinded you like chronic masturbation did in your teenage years.

I have to give him props for the “chronic masturbation” line, that’s solid material right there. If anybody knows him, tell him that I said LIDSTROM SUCKS!

–Actually, please don’t tell him that. I talk a big game online, but in reality, I am easily intimidated and not much of a fighter. This guy does seem like the type who will show up at my door and stab me in the eye with a pencil…I really don’t want a pencil in my eye.

Credit: flickr Teka England

–The Norris debate has been quite heated though. Anyone who is not a Capitals fan is hating on Mike Green. Why? If I were to venture a guess, it’s his personality that turns people off rather than his on-ice play. He’s the type of person that you either like or would like to stab in the eye with a pencil. No gray area.

–When people talk about studly young defensemen, the talk centers around Doughty, Green, Keith, Myers and Weber. One name that will surely be added to that list over the next year or two is Victor Hedman. In fact, I believe he’ll be the biggest reason preventing Doughty from Lidstromizing the Norris Trophy over the next decade.

–Erik Johnson will be right up there as well. Especially if he gives up the game of golf.

–The series I have been watching the most so far is Kings-Canucks. Great end-to-end action and all-around intrigue. That being said, the Kings fell apart like a Mr. Potato Head in the 3rd period of game 4. This video pretty much sums up the series since then (for those that don’t want to click over, it’s the Rypien-Clune fight). I also have to give kudos to Luongo for his big saves in said 3rd period. I’m sure he’ll be quite happy when he reads what I just wrote.

–The series I’ve been watching the least? Chicago-Nashville. Being that it’s always a game behind the rest, it comes off like the ugly stepsister of the first round. That, or maybe because I find nobody on the Preds very interesting to watch, save for Weber and Sullivan.

–With the disastrous seasons in Edmonton and Calgary, the comical events in Toronto and Montreal, and the general success in Vancouver, one team which hasn’t been getting enough play this year is Ottawa. Maybe it’s because Ottawa is just one big traffic jam, but still, they do deserve credit for what they have done this season. Bryan Murray and Cory Clouston managed to turn the franchise around despite distractions and injuries…and let’s not forget how adorable Clouston looks behind the bench.

This concludes “Serious Thoughts”. If you’re reading this, then that means you must think I am totally awesome. Why not get bigger piece awesome by following Blades of Funny on twitter. I promise you it’ll be awesome…and saaaaavvy!