"It don't matter what you get, only thing that matters is that you spend a lot!" - Terry Pegula

While it may not have been the strongest UFA class ever, there’s no shame in modeling your spending habits based on what you see in hip hop videos. Like the newest rapper on the scene, you NEEDED some big-ass bling and some flashy 22′s 24′s 38′s.

Who cares if you overspent as long as the “hoes” in your stable look nice and willing. And let me tell you, Christian Ehrhoff is one sexy German. Sure, he may not look as nice after 10 years of marriage, but the upcoming 3-month honeymoon period is going to be sweet. You’ll always have July to September 2011 to look back to during the bad times. The many, many bad times which await.

Hey, it’s all good, Terry Pegula! You’re worth billions!

Dale Tallon wore this shirt on July 1st while listening to Warren G's "I Want It All" all day.

But the King of Bling title surely belongs to another gentleman. One who made it rain on free agents like no one has ever witnessed before. Nothing could stop this man’s made-for-MTV spending spree.

One of the worst contracts in hockey? I’ll take him!

A forward who couldn’t hack it with the Leafs? Versteeg’s our guy!

Blood clots? Bah, give him 4.5!

An aging 35-year-old defenseman with a vast injury history? Lock him up for 4 years at over 4 million per!

He doubled his previous career-high? I want him!

Oh, his career-high prior to last year was only 21 points? Don’t matter, we already signed him.

Surely, not Bergenheim? Oh, hell yeah Bergenheim! Why keep guys like Grabner or Bergfors around on the cheap when I could spend on B-E-R-G-E-N-H-E-I-M.

What about our goalie, sir? We don’t need one of the best, we’ll go with Theordore and Clemmensen and spend our money on the rest.

Hey, it’s all good, Dale Tallon! At least in your old age you’ll have some familiar faces around to comfort you.

"Welcome to Columbus, Mr. Wisniewski"

While Mr. Tallon had the quantity, it took a “special” person to be able to achieve what he did in one quick flash. And it was done by you. You took it upon yourself and decided to anoint this defenseman The Chosen One. The man who would save your team’s atrocious power play and, in turn, your job.

You opened up the Scrooge McDuck vault and let this 27-year-old stud dive into your golden money pit for 6 years. After all, you had extra cash lying around after buying out that overpriced defenseman Commodore. Sheesh, what a bad investment that guy turned out to be, eh? But this new piece is different. He’s an offensive dynamo. A 50+ point getter… last season… the only season… where he played on two teams… three since 2010.

Bah, they don’t know what you know. They aren’t… Columbus.

Hey, it’s all good, Scott Howson. I hear Wiz sucks a mean…

Two rivals face elimination on the next episode of GM Apprentice. "I may have signed Khabibulin but at least I didn't trade a top 5 pick away like this guy." - Tambo "*chuckle* Where am I? What is this? *chuckle*" - Shermanator

Which brings me to the Mike Milbury Achievement In Trading Excellence Award winner.

You were the shrewd cat who not only possibly cemented your goaltending situation for upcoming season  — and I use the word “possibly” only because I’m not quite sure if Giguere’s health will hold up — but you’re also well on your way to kicking that pesky gambling high addiction you developed after attending this April’s draft lottery.

Oh, and you also got this Semyon Varlamov kid who, depending on who you ask, was either second or third on the Capitals’ goalie depth chart. Best thing about him, however, is he signed a two-year contract so he won’t skip out to the KHL like many feared. At least not for the next two years. Maybe. Never know with these Russians, they live by their own rules. They’re like the Clint Eastwoods of the league, doing as they please, not giving a damn. Gotta admire that. Unless you’re a GM and you just traded a bet your ass it will be how the f*ck could it not be, look at your team! potential top 5 pick for one. Umm, yeah.

Wait, just read that Joe Sakic called him “an elite goaltender.”  Can’t argue with Joe.

So you got “an elite goaltender” and all you gave up was a nobody in their right mind would be dumb enough to trade potential top 5 pick.

Shrewd.

Hey, it’s all good, Shermanator! Even when it really, really is not.

Follow along on Twitter.

Recently, I sent out a text message to various NHLers and asked them what makes them sad. Here’s what came back:

Sidney had some alpha male issues he was dealing with…

Ryan Miller’s text gave us a better understanding of why he was so passionate about the Hjalmarsson hit…

Patrick Kane came across like he’s calling out for help…

Nikolai Khabibulin also has his own demons he’s dealing with and doesn’t know why the league won’t help him…

In order to come to grips with why he’s still in Calgary, Iginla played the race card…

Race was also was an issue in the text sent back by Wayne Simmonds…

Chris Pronger is still dealing with the hurt he experienced from a misunderstanding that occurred last spring…

James Wisniewski also doesn’t understand why people have turned on him for something he considered as an innocent act…

Ondrej Pavelec voiced  his frustration of playing on a crappy team…

And finally, even though he wasn’t on the list of recipients of my original text, Tampa Bay backup goaltender Dan Ellis chimed in on the subject…

***

Don’t forget to follow Blades of Funny on Twitter. We’re almost at 1000 followers!

This is my blogging outfit.

I’ve amassed over 800 followers on Twitter; I think it’s time for me to get a little smug. Since the “King” moniker is taken, I think I’m going to call myself  “Emperor” from now on.

“Emperor Blades of Funny”

I like the sound of that.

I wonder if my wife will go along with this new moniker? If she doesn’t, I’ll just have to remind her that I have over 800 followers, which makes me an online celebrity of sorts… and I can do better!

Yes, flat out lie to her until she caves.

Anyhoo, I know you’re dying to get my thoughts on the hockey world so let’s get to them, my loyal subjects…

–First up, I find it utterly amusing that people are trying to defend the Mikko Koivu contract as something other than an “overpayment” by a team desperate to retain their only core forward.

Michael Russo made the following tweets in defense of the signing:

I love all these overpaid comments. This had to be paid to retain him. What were the contracts of the last big centers to hit market?

Sundin, Briere, Drury, Gomez since new CBA came into existence. Sorry, Henrik Sedin was unique. Big centers get their $$ in free agency

I think everyone would agree that the examples listed are bad contracts, thus it doesn’t detract anything from the argument that Koivu was overpaid.

I like Koivu. I’d rather have him than any of the players listed above or someone like Plekanec at $5m (who I also think was paid too much over  too long of a term). But I’d rather have Mike Richards or Ryan Kesler on my team. The former is signed until age 35 at a cap hit of $5.75m, the latter until age 32 at $5m — now, I know they signed their contracts while still being restricted but I think both players compare to Koivu better than anyone else in the league and both gave up a good chunk of their UFA years when they signed their contracts.

At the end of the day, Koivu was overpaid by at least $1 million a year, in my opinion.

The Wild saw the oft-injured Gaborik ($7.5m) and the elder Rolston ($5m) walk in free agency and some say that they couldn’t risk that with Koivu. Blah, I say. The Rolston contract is a bad one and the Gaborik contract is a risky one. To me, Minnesota made the right choices there and have nothing to be ashamed of.

I read others who wrote that Koivu’s agent thought he’d be able to get $7 million on the open market. I doubt it, but even if that would turn out to be true, it doesn’t make it smart. I’m sorry, but I think the smart general managers are the ones who don’t take on contracts that could backfire.

The best case scenario is that Koivu lives up to the contract because I’m sure as sure can be that he won’t be able to surpass it. The contract provides no upside for the Wild and the potential to be really sucky (in my professional blogger opinion). And that’s why I think Koivu is overpaid!

–Prove me wrong, Mikko. Prove me wrong!

–As I’m writing this, Ilya Kovalchuk’s contract was rejected by the NHL. Should be great fun to see what happens next in this saga.

Hey, you think Lamoriello snitched on his owner to Bettman about this one? Yeah, I’m thinking he did.

–Did you hear that Simon Gagne was traded to Tampa for Matt Walker? I’m totally convinced that Holmgren just wants to be Yzerman’s friend and is doing his best to facilitate that process.

Contract up? High five!

–Let’s talk about the Los Angeles Kings and the belief that they’re missing out on everybody this off-season…

I’ve read the Kings need a top-4 defenseman. They have Doughty, Jack Johnson, Scuderi and Greene. They are one or two years away from icing Thomas Hickey (potential top-4 offensive defenseman) and Colten Teubert (physical defenseman who is raw but has the potential to be a top-4 defenseman even with the setbacks).

This is why I was surprised that the Kings were in the running to sign Paul Martin. With Doughty (should get at least $6m) and Johnson (could get $3m if he builds on his progress from last season) up, I’m not sure throwing $5m on another defenseman would have been prudent. If I was the Lombardi, I’d just try to bring in some lower-priced talent like Andy Sutton to bridge the gap to Hickey and Teubert.

I’ve read the Kings need a second line center. Jarret Stoll is signed for the next two years. He’s decent filler as a 2C until Brayden Schenn is ready to assume that role.

I’ve read that the Kings need a left winger. This one I agree with. Kovalchuk would have been a good fit (other than the potential future cap problems) but Gagne would have been an even better fit.

If they managed to get Gagne, they would have gotten the LW help they need without any long-term money commitment that could screw them cap-wise in the future. Gagne really was THE perfect fit. I can only assume that Simon wouldn’t waive his NTC to go to LA because I’m pretty certain that Lombardi was offering something better than Matt Walker.

Now, I imagine they’d probably have to sign either Frolov, Ponikarovsky or maybe even Paul Kariya. All of whom come with their own set of issues.

–Adrian Dater recently put up his top 10 goalie list, which is good for two things: 1) traffic to his article, and 2) causing outrage amongst the internet masses.

I AM OUTRAGED AT THE LIST!

Nah, I’m just mildly amused how anyone could put Bryzgalov (#2) and Craig Anderson (#4) ahead of Roberto Luongo (#5) and Henrik Lundqvist (#8). Smells like recency bias to me.

For the record, if this Emperor had to create a list of goalies he’d want for the upcoming season, it would look like this:

1. Martin Brodeur – The surest thing in goal until he proves otherwise — which, at 38, he may very well do this season.
2. Roberto Luongo – He had an off year, but my money is on him to bounce back, especially with no chance of ever seeing Byfuglien in the playoffs again.
3. Henrik Lundqvist – I have him at #3 because he deserves some respect, dammit! Plus, he’s been a pillar of my fantasy teams for years so I’m biased (like Dater with his Craig Anderson at #4 pick).
4. Ryan Miller – Based on last season, he should be at the top, but let’s see him do it again before we anoint him “great”.
5. Tomas Vokun – Back-to-back years of a .925 SV% can’t be ignored, even though they’re probably due to opposing players just flicking it on goal to kill time.
6. The rest are all interchangeable filler based on year to year. Probably would have Niklas Backstrom at #6, although he’s better as a #1 center (ha ha, I so funny!).

And there you have it! A list that you can NOT argue with because it’s PERFECT and AMAZING and JUST WHOA! (If you do argue, I’m just going to ignore you… or worse: call you “unsmart!”).

–That is all for now. If you’re not following on Twitter, please do so. When I get to 1000 followers, I’ll change my moniker again, from “Emperor” to “God” and that’s going to be…AWESOME!

Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

This post is going to part serious and part humor. The serious part consists of me seriously trying to predict where the top unrestricted free agents will land. The humor part will come on July 1st when all my picks are wrong. Sounds like fun, no?  Let’s go! (Please keep in mind that I’m just talking out of my butt.)

Kovalchuk: he's the top dawg... and he knows it!

Ilya Kovalchuk: Los Angeles Kings at a $9m cap hit.
The Kings will be up against the cap after this signing which may cause them some headaches in the coming years. But for now: enjoy the ride!

Anton Volchenkov: Anaheim Ducks at $6m.
I’m crazy you say? Well, of course. But with Scotty retired, the Ducks need to make a splash and have the cap room to outbid other teams for the hulking Russian. Overpaid? You bet! Especially when there’s…

Zbynek Michalek: Washington Capitals at $3.5m.
Michalek presents the best blueline value, in my opinion. He’s solid in his own zone and will come cheaper than Volchenkov which will allow the Caps to go after a decent 1A goalie as well.

Dan Hamhuis: Vancouver Canucks at $4.75m.
This signing pretty much paves the way for the departure of Kevin Bieksa. Whichever team  dumb enough to trade for Bieksa will be rewarded with a player who makes dumb plays all the time. A match made in heaven, if you will.

Sergei Gonchar: Dallas Stars at $4.5m.
He’ll get his money but with his age and recent injury history, I wouldn’t touch him.

Evgeni Nabokov: Philadelphia Flyers at $5m OR KHL at $15m and 100 gallons of oil.
Whooooa!!! I just went out on a massive limb. I feel like an anonymous hockey blogger! Nah, he’ll most likely sign in the NHL but I have no clue as to what team he makes the most sense with. Especially at a $5m cap hit.

Chris Mason: Washington Capitals at $3.5m.
If it comes down to Mason or Turco., I’d be shocked if any GM would actually prefer the latter. If this happens, it’s a good signing. So make it happen!

(BoF edit: According to a reader comment, this is unlikely. But hey, maybe the Caps will use the money to target Lombardi who I also goofed up on in this post. See below.)

(BoF edit #2: I’m changing Mason’s team to Tampa. However, if he signs in Washington, I’m sticking with my original thought. Win-win!  Unless he signs with any of the other 28 teams, in which case I’ll continue looking like an idiot.)

Paul Martin: New Jersey Devils at $4.5m.
I think both parties will come around and keep Martin in Jersey. If not, maybe the Devils will sign Gonchar instead and regret it later.

Matthew Lombardi: Pittsburgh Penguins at $3.5m.
And the endless Crosby winger-matching continues. This one may work out well (or maybe not).

(BoF edit: I’m pretty retarded. Lombardi is a center but for some reason this morning I was convinced he played the wing in Calgary prior to going to Phoenix. So yeah, scratch this one off the list ’cause the Pens need another center like I need more arguments with the wife!!!)

Russia: Verrrrry Nice!

Alexander Frolov: KHL.
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, will pay him the $5 million I read that his agent is seeking in North America. If the price of oil falls, he may even have a hard time getting that in Russia (nah, that’s a lie because the extortion cash will always be there).

Willie Mitchell: Pittsburgh Penguins at $3m.
This can work out great if he’s healthy, or be a disaster if he’s not. Either way, it’s the least the Penguins can do to apologize after Malkin knocked him out.

Marty Turco: Philadelphia Flyers or San Jose Sharks at $2.5m.
If the Nabokov thing doesn’t work out, I’m thinking the Flyers take a flyer (haha) on Turco. He’ll come cheap because, well, he’s been having a rough time since the trapezoid was implemented. Those little lines cost him millions. Or maybe it was his realivitly sh*ty play that cost him (who knows with these things).

Olli Jokinen: Calgary Flames at $5m. JUST KIDDING! GodKnowsWhere at $3m.
I have a hard time finding a fit for him. However, you can be assured that wherever he goes, he’ll manage to royally screw things up. He’s the Milbury of hockey players these days. Maybe, just maybe, he may turn out well in the right spot. It’s happened before.

Pavel Kubina: Tampa Bay Lightning at $3.5m.
I can see him going to a few different teams but chose Tampa because I feel they really need another 3-4 defenseman-type. This should be a good fit for him, in my opinion.

Tom Lydman: New York Islanders at $3.5m.
Another defenseman that can fit on a number of teams who are looking to add depth to their blueline. He’ll be a decent 3-4 blueliner and the Isles are a good fit.

Henrik Tallinder: Buffalo Sabres at $3.5m.
And yet another defenseman who can fill out the depth chart as a 3-4 guy. He was Lydman’s partner in Buffalo and I’m thinking they keep at least one of them. My thinking is always wrong, though, so there you go.

Joe Corvo: Columbus Blue Jackets $2.5m.
He should help out with the Jackets powerplay. Maybe he’ll get $3m. Maybe. But probably not.

Colby Armstrong: Pittsburgh Penguins at $2.0m.
Colby makes his triumphant return to Pittsburgh! Nah, probably won’t happen because he’ll go after the money and should get around $3m somewhere else. Stay tuned, Sid may start tearing up if Colby doesn’t come back.

Ray Whitney, Alex Tanguay, Alexei Ponikarovsky, Lee Stempinak.
All three should get somewhere between $2m to $3m. Whitney may get a tad more if  he signs a one year contract. Too hard to predict where they end up because it could be anywhere. Even Russia. And I don’t have my KHL roster reports handy.

Paul Kariya's Ride

Pavol Demitra, Paul Kariya.
Whichever team signs them better invest in a new CT Scan machine and some extra doctors. Whichever GM signs either one for more than $1.5m better stick his brain into said CT Scan machine.

This concludes my look into the UFA class. There are others but they all suck! (with all due apologizes to Antero Niittymaki).

Oh, and one last thing before I go. Even the worst hockey player that signs a contract on Thursday will make more money than you or I. Soooooo, the only thing we have left is laughter. The more we make fun of hockey players, the more we’re able to hide our inadequacies. Man Rule #425.

Now that I’ve put myself out there, it’s time for you to mock me to no end on Twitter. You can do so by following me here.