"Fools! Blades will never do what he promises to do."

Everywhere I go, people come up to me and say, “Blades, you have over 1000 followers on Twitter, which in this day and age is equivalent to being a nobleman of social media, yet you blog at a frequency that matches that of Oiler victories. How can this be so?”

To them I answer, “My friends, it is true that I am vastly better than those who do not possess 1000 followers, but I do not hold the answers you seek.”

They interrupt me as I’m dining at the finest establishments (like Chi Chong’s All You Cat Eat Buffet, Chip’s Discount Chops And Tune-Ups or whichever place is doing catering for the Minnesota Vikings that week) and they say to me, “Blades, you seem to tweet more about football than hockey. Since it was your hockey writing that brought you such great fame and fortune, how can this be so?”

To them I answer, “My friends, rest assured I do not discount making $0.48 in extra spending money from The Google, but I do not hold the answers you seek.”

Women throw themselves at me and beg, “Blades, will you bestow a great honor upon me and impregnate me with your seed so my that offspring will be blessed with the great gene of nonsense.”

I answer these fair lasses by saying, “My lady, I’m flattered but sad to say that my wife took my impregnating organs away from me many moons ago. If you seek sperm such as mine, go forth and find a hip hop concert.”

So why am I telling you this? It’s because delusion breeds delicious results (unless you’re running the Calgary Flames) and I’m here to make a proclamation.

A proclamation so important that after it’s proclaimed, life shall never be the same (sort of like when the Devils proclaimed they’re going to sign llya to a 15-year contract — but hopefully with better results). Oh yes, once this makes its way outside of the basement from which I do my blogging and finds itself disseminated into the public domain via the 6.5 readers who read the blog (one is a midget), life will forever change.

So what is it, you ask?

Are the rumors true that I’ve been hired as the official blogger for the New York Islanders?

While nothing would please me more than to work for a fine corporation like the Islanders and their almost godly like GM, *wink*, this is not the news I bring you today.

The news I bring… wait a sec, let me make this perfectly clear to whomever is reading this: I think it would be really neat to blog about the finest hockey team ever assembled and bestow praise after praise upon the Islanders for I have never ever seen them do anything dumb or play a bad game of hockey. (Call me, Garth! I do need money!).

Alright, sorry about that…

The proclamation I bring to you today is a promise.

A promise?

Yes, a promise.

A promise that for the week of November 22nd, I will blog EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WEEK. Yes, there will be 5 new posts next week. One each day. After that, we’ll see how things shape up.

Let’s pause for a few minutes so you can take this in and truly grasp the magnitude of what I just laid down, I’ll go change my socks…

…

…

…

Back, the ones without holes feel so much better on my feet.

Now, I realize that my track record of making promises on here has been kind of sketchy — lest we forget the season preview rankings fiasco — but I will go to great lengths to make this true.

For now, I’m off to spend the weekend researching paralegal databases in order to break stories of nepotism and old grudges. Until then, I leave you with the words of a very wise man…

Follow along on Twitter…

Recently, I sent out a text message to various NHLers and asked them what makes them sad. Here’s what came back:

Sidney had some alpha male issues he was dealing with…

Ryan Miller’s text gave us a better understanding of why he was so passionate about the Hjalmarsson hit…

Patrick Kane came across like he’s calling out for help…

Nikolai Khabibulin also has his own demons he’s dealing with and doesn’t know why the league won’t help him…

In order to come to grips with why he’s still in Calgary, Iginla played the race card…

Race was also was an issue in the text sent back by Wayne Simmonds…

Chris Pronger is still dealing with the hurt he experienced from a misunderstanding that occurred last spring…

James Wisniewski also doesn’t understand why people have turned on him for something he considered as an innocent act…

Ondrej Pavelec voiced  his frustration of playing on a crappy team…

And finally, even though he wasn’t on the list of recipients of my original text, Tampa Bay backup goaltender Dan Ellis chimed in on the subject…

***

Don’t forget to follow Blades of Funny on Twitter. We’re almost at 1000 followers!

"For He cared about the souls of a cold cold climate so much, He sent his only son to comfort them."

It’s written in my hockey blogger contract that I have to make a post within 24 hours of the ending of the last game of the first day of the NHL season. Yes, it’s confusing and it took me hours rereading the sentence to actually figure out what it meant.

So here we go. Rapid fire nonsense…

–OMG!!! Did you watch the Oilers? Stanley Cup champs within 4 months! (yes, 4 months).

But seriously, they put on quite the entertaining show in the opener. Hall was fun to watch. Eberle settled down as the game progressed and showed his skills. Paarvi looked the most nervous of the three but flashed his speed on a few occasions. Looking forward to their next game.

That said, I very much doubt they’ll be able to sustain that hustle and enthusiasm all year. Khabibulin also stood on his head. Not sure that’s sustainable either.

–Another thing that caught my eye was how lean Dustin Penner was. Not to sound gay or anything, but DAMN HE LOOKS LIKE HE WAS WORKING OUT ALL SUMMER!!!

–Okay, probably should have avoided the use of caps if I didn’t want it to sound gay. Better rectify it quick…

Just when you thought the Flames were embarrassed enough in Game #1...

–Steve MacIntyre’s KO of Ivanans was F*#KING AWESOME! There’s nothing better when two strong guys hook up and one gets beat… oh crap.

–How about them Leafs? Let it be known that I had them making the playoffs before the season started! Let it be known, dammit!

–Have you noticed how cars these days all look the same? I was sitting in my vehicle today, parked in strip mall parking lot (for the record, I wasn’t casing the place, just waiting for the wife and kids who were at the doctor) and every car looked the same.

Toyotas,  Hyundais, Chevys, some Hondas and a Bimmer mixed in. Besides the car type, the differences between vehicles are negligible these days (ie: all compacts look the same, all sedans look the same).

I grew up in the 90′s and cars seemed to be more interesting. Is it just me or do you notice this too?

–For the record, I drive an ’04 Navigator which rapes me at the pumps and pollutes the environment *evil laugh*. Not sure if this makes me a rebel or just stupid. But I will say that after driving a big vehicle like that, Navigator Blades hurls homophobic insults through a time machine at Sports Car Blades.

–Funniest thing I heard this week on sports talk radio was a caller who called in to Stephen A. Smith’s show and dropped the following line about the names featured in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers backfield:

They got a Graham, a Blount and a Cadillac. They’re rolling in style.

I’m mature beyond my years, eh?

After reading my Penner comment, Favre sent me this photo of himself.

–That’s all for today. I’m 10 followers away from 1000 on Twitter! When I reach that number, I’m sending every follower Brett Favre inspired photos of myself. You’ve been warned!

There’s also the RSS feed which you can grab here and add it to your reader. There’s over a 100 people who read the blog this way. I call RSS readers the lazy a%#holes of the internet. They just want everything delivered to them at their convince. I should now because I’m one of them.

With September just around the corner, it’s time to create a strategy for your upcoming fantasy hockey draft. Here are some tips to get your started…

"What you say about Steve Mason, bi*ch?" - Tuukka

• If you decide to draft Tuukka Rask, be prepared for the inevitable “Steve Mason” references from the gallery. Shut ‘em up quickly with a sarcastic “because playing behind Chara is just like playing behind Fedor Tyutin, right?”
• Be sure to bump Kris Versteeg up on your draft cheat sheet. His numbers are set to rise because he’ll finally be able to get a good night’s sleep as opposed to staying out until the wee hours of the morning playing the role of Patrick Kane’s wingman.
• If you draft Roberto Luongo, be sure to also use a late-round pick on backup Cory Schneider, and another one on farm team starter Tyler Weiman, and yet another one on farm team backup Eddie Lack. Remember, Keith Ballard is now on the Canucks.
• While it’s alright to draft a couple aging players with the hope that you can squeeze one more good year out of them, it’s never a good strategy to have your whole roster consist of these types. You can avoid getting yourself in this predicament by sticking a post-it on your monitor with the following rule written on it: Do Not Draft Any Red Wings.
• If your league counts penalty minutes, it’s not a bad idea to use a late pick on a goon who will rack up the PIMs. Most of them will still be around in the last round so don’t overpay, otherwise you’ll be known in your league as “Mr. Sather”.
• It’s always nice to gain added flexibility by drafting players who are dual-position eligible. For example, Dustin Byfuglien is a forward who slots in as a defenseman in some games, thus making him eligible at both positions. Another example would be Mike Green, although for some reason the powers that be never update his position in the main computer.
• If you’re playing with a new group of guys who don’t know each other very well and you sense the draft atmosphere is kinda cold, I suggest you draft Evander Kane with your next pick. The jubilation and applause that follows will surely break the ice.
• Contrary to what you’ve been hearing from the media all summer, a great manager does not go into a season with Mike Smith and Dan Ellis as his two goalies.


Dan Ellis wants to the world to know he's a specialist, just like Paris Hilton.

• Speaking of Dan Ellis, should you draft him, try to refrain from calling yourself a “fantasy specialist” right after the selection. Doing so will just force you to explain the whole Ellis Twitter debacle and in turn make you look like one giant geek in front of the whole league. (If you need clarification on what the hell I’m talking about, reference the 2nd paragraph in this link — see, I look like one giant geek now, right?)
• If you’re about to select Tomas Kaberle with the intention of trading him to another manager after the draft ends, you should probably rethink that pick.
• If during your draft you notice some of the other managers are writers for the Toronto Sun, try to make them feel at home by changing the league’s language setting to Czechoslovakian. Howver, be sure to keep an eye on them ’cause they may try to do something unethical like trading amongst each other to form one “super team”.
• Don’t get too emotional with your roster. If you let your emotions run wild, you’ll end up dropping a player who messed your team up, only to pick him up again a few months later with the expectation of a different result . That’s sheer lunacy.
• Don’t draft Alex Tanguay. Especially if you’ve been burned by him before.
• Oh, and don’t ever trade one good player (who may or may not have a celebrity girlfriend) for a package of lesser-skilled players.
• But don’t worry too much about the last three things. They’ll only spell your team’s downfall if you make all three mistakes in the course of one calendar year and surely nobody on this planet would ever be that dumb.
• Lastly, since all fantasy leagues end in the regular season, it’s okay for you to draft Russian-born players.

Hopefully this list will serve you well… good luck, my friends!

For those still reading, I’ll be a guest on Rink Side Rants this coming Thursday at 9pm est.  Yup, this will be my podcasting debut so if you want to hear some lame attempts at humor and just overall awkwardness which will make you cringe, do tune in.

You can also follow me on Twitter, where the push for 1000 followers is gaining steam.

July 13th, 2010

To: Dan Gilbert
Cleveland Cavaliers
Cleveland, OH

Dearest Dan Gilbert,

I am writing this letter to offer you my fullest support in light of what has transpired the past week. If you are unfamiliar with me, I am commissioner of the National Hockey League. You may have heard about our organization before.

After reading your heartfelt letter addressing the fans of the Cleveland Cavaliers, I can tell that you are a man of principle; a man who values loyalty and doing what’s right above all else.

You and I share these things in common, Mr. Gilbert.

I for one have been fighting the fight of my life to save the Phoenix Coyotes from pulling a LeBron of their own. Evil men have been trying to lure the team away from its roots in Arizona. Some have even wanted to replant the franchise in Winnipeg.  I’m sure you’d agree that such a move would be an egregious act to lay on the loyal hockey fans in Phoenix.

I’m certain that as a fellow human being who values doing what’s right over money and common sense, you will jump at the opportunity to correct this injustice.

With this in mind, I am offering you an opportunity to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes. You, my good sir, can continue your crusade for justice in sports by taking the role of white knight in the Phoenix hockey community.

Here are a few selling points on why hockey is the sport for you:

• Self-promotion is a vice that we have never suffered from. To demonstrate this, we are fully prepared to bar our players from further participation in the Olympic Winter Games.
  
• You’ll never have to worry about any of our athletes appearing on ESPN. If they do choose to appear on a network, it’ll be Versus, and if they appear on Versus, do they REALLY appear? I think you and I both know the answer to that one.
• As you’ll find out when you become an NHL owner, the use of wacky fonts in correspondence is very commonplace. BRIAN BURKE LOVES USING THE “IMPACT” FONT. Glen Sather always uses “Broadway BT”. And then there’s Darryl Sutter who just communicates by drawing stuff…



• Do you hate it when one of your restricted free agents gets an offer sheet? You don’t have to worry about that in our game. Which reminds me, I need to make a phone call to Doug Wilson after I finish up here.
  
• Jesse Jackson has never once voiced his displeasure with the NHL. Not because we have very few African-American athletes, but rather because our league just doesn’t provide enough of a public platform for him to bother us.
• The only vocal person you should be concerned with in our game is Don Cherry. If you do get on his bad side, however, just make a joke about French-Canadians or Europeans and you’ll be fine.

You have given so much and deserve much more than the sport of basketball has given you, Mr. Gilbert. If you buy the Phoenix Coyotes and join our hockey family…

I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE PHOENIX COYOTES WILL WIN THE STANLEY CUP

You can take it to the bank. Just ask the hockey fans in Vancouver or Detroit, I have the power to make things happen.

So how about it, Mr. Gilbert? Can I call you Danny, btw?

Let’s put an end to narcissism and shameful actions in the sports world togehter.

Signed,
Gary B. Bettman
Commissioner, National Hockey League

P.S.  In your letter you wrote:

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

This is news to me. Can you please clarify. Call me:  1-800-GARY-BETTS.