Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

If you are a hockey fan, you’ve no doubt heard about Vancouver’s Green Men. They’re a YouTube sensation; have their own website; even a Twitter account.

But who are these spandex-draped weirdos?

What if they’re a couple NHL players with too much time on their hands?

Maybe ’cause they didn’t make the playoffs? (Yes, I  do realize they were around during the regular season but stop bugging me with facts and let me set up the post, damn it!)

We did some brainstorming at Blades of Funny headquarters and came up with a few possible names; We also eliminated others.

Blades of Funny Brainstorms Possible NHL Players Moonlighting As The Green Men

Never seen them carrying a defibrillator: Jonas Gustavsson.

Nor an inflated sense of entitlement: Dion Phaneuf.

They move around: Wade Redden.

Yet, don’t pull a hamstring: Marian Gaborik.

They aren’t rushed to the ER when they partake in fun: Erik Johnson.

Nor when they just stand up: Rick DiPietro.

They love attention and have the cash to buy prime seats: Mike Commodore.

And they’re able to remember where those seats are located: David Booth.

Not that we’re looking, but both appear to have a full package: Phil Kessel.

However, they keep that covered up: Jiri Tlusty.

In real life, they don’t come off like sensitive cry babies: Sheldon Souray.

Nor do they on Twitter: Martin Havlat.

In fact, they appear to be very happy with their place in the world: Tomas Kaberle.

When their image comes up on screen, it’s always good for a few laughs: Jeff Finger.

We said laughs, not gaffes: Vesa Toskola.

Everyone in the arena cheers when they appear on the Jumbotron: Evander Kane.

And not ’cause the visiting coach selected them for the shootout: Olli Jokinen.

Their whole gig is based upon getting inside the opposition’s head: Steve Ott.

Not literally: Colton Orr

They don’t randomly assault the opposition: Mike Komisarek.

Nor each other: Keith Ballard.

Never seen a puddle of blood underneath them: Zenon Konopka.

Nor a puddle of sweat: Nikolai Khabibulin.

Never heard them give random analysis about other teams: R.J. Umberger.

Nor about fashion: Sean Avery.

We’ve seen them in the playoffs: Jay Bouwmeester.

And they didn’t fold under the pressure: Alexander Semin.

You: huh?
BoF: what’s the problem, sir/ma’am?
You: you said the list only consists of non-playoff players.
BoF: well…did semin really play in the playoffs?
You: no, I guess not.
BoF: sooooo he could very well have been in vancouver.
You: true.
BoF: there you go.
You: that’s brilliant.
BoF: thank you.
You: no, that was BRILLIANT. You are a genius, man.
BoF: what can I say, I’m pretty good at this stuff.
You: uhhh…I was being sarcastic.
BoF: that’s mighty small of you.
You: that’s what she said.
BoF: about you?
You: no, about you!
BoF: how come?
You: what?
BoF: what?
You: you’re retarded.
BoF: I know you are but what am I?
You: not funny.
BoF: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
You: [hits ctrl+w]

Well, since nobody is reading anymore, I guess there’s no point in finishing. Good thing too as the only other things I have is some Steve Mason jokes and maybe a jab or two at the Florida Panthers. I couldn’t think of a joke about Lecavalier and his constant trade rumors, nor could I think of a midget joke for St. Louis (Martin, not the city, though I’m sure the city has its fair share of midgets too). Yup, all out of material on this one. Maybe if you follow me on Twitter, I’ll come up with something. Better yet, maybe you will.

In this series, Blades of Funny pays homage to the teams that have departed us this season.

To set the mood, we recommend you play the song that inspired the title: “End Of The Line” by the Traveling Wilburys — the most underrated song in music history (that’s no hyperbole, my friend, it really is that dear to our hearts).

In this time of grief, let us now say something positive about these teams. They’ve reached the end of the line, but it doesn’t have to end there (well, technically it does).

New York Rangers

It’s all right… proving all the haters wrong, Marian Gaborik played 76 games this season.
Unfortunately… his inactivity during the final shootout of the season caused his hamstring to tighten up and as a result, well, you know.

Atlanta Thrashers

It’s all right… on the final weekend of the season, Evander Kane became THE most popular player in the NHL.
Unfortunately… because of the vast amount of free beer he consumes over the summer, come September he will be overweight…and also an alcoholic.

Carolina Hurricanes

It’s all right… at one point during the season, the team was battling the Leafs for the basement, but a decent second half propelled it to 11th in the conference.
Unfortunately… they really would have been better off in the basement since, unlike the Leafs, they still possess their draft picks.

New York Islanders

It’s all right… with the drafting of John Tavares, Islanders fans finally have a superstar that they can follow.
Unfortunately… we’re not sure how many Kansas City games are going to televised in the Long Island region in 2012.

Florida Panthers

It’s all right… at least the team dodged a bullet by not re-signing Jay Bouwmeester for huge money.
Unfortunately… star winger, David Booth, wasn’t as slick when it came to dodging bullets and now has a hole in his brain.

Toronto Maple Leafs

It’s all right… last summer, nobody thought the Leafs would be able to acquire two franchise players in such a short span, but those doubters were proven wrong.
Unfortunately… Burke traded said players to Boston.

St. Louis Blues

It’s all right… the team sanctioned golf cart driving courses paid of this year; everyone passed the course.
Unfortunately… all the Blues’ young players were so nervous about the road test that they stopped concentrating on hockey.

Calgary Flames

It’s all right… the organization is closer than ever to firing anyone with the surname “Sutter”.
Unfortunately… fans will face a few tense weeks when news breaks that a “McGuire” has sent in his resume.

Anaheim Ducks

It’s all right… at least management dodged a bullet when they realized, right before the deadline, that Vesa Toskala was on their roster.
Unfortunately… Jason Blake’s name managed  to elude them.

Dallas Stars

It’s all right… the retirement of Mike Modano and departure of Marty Turco will bring a sense of change to the team.
Unfortunately… the organization risks alienating their fan base when fans become confused as to why their team no longer deploys the heavily-padded 3rd defenseman like they have over the past nine seasons.

Edmonton Oilers

It’s all right… unlike their neighbors to the south, the Oilers will enter next season with a solid core of prospects in their organization.
Unfortunately… the rogue parking enforcement officer has already been seen running their plates through the system in anticipation.

Minnesota Wild

It’s all right… a sense of optimism and change ran rampant in the area when new management was overheard saying stuff like: “bringing in a game-changer,” and “playing an open run-n-gun style.”
Unfortunately… they were just making small talk about the Minnesota Vikings.

Columbus Blue Jackets

It’s all right… despite the rough season, the BJs still managed to make life miserable for Brian Burke by locking up Rick Nash.
Unfortunately… life was even more miserable for Blue Jackets fans as they watched Andrew Raycroft Steve Mason regress.

Not following along on twitter? Can’t say that I blame you.