"It don't matter what you get, only thing that matters is that you spend a lot!" - Terry Pegula

While it may not have been the strongest UFA class ever, there’s no shame in modeling your spending habits based on what you see in hip hop videos. Like the newest rapper on the scene, you NEEDED some big-ass bling and some flashy 22′s 24′s 38′s.

Who cares if you overspent as long as the “hoes” in your stable look nice and willing. And let me tell you, Christian Ehrhoff is one sexy German. Sure, he may not look as nice after 10 years of marriage, but the upcoming 3-month honeymoon period is going to be sweet. You’ll always have July to September 2011 to look back to during the bad times. The many, many bad times which await.

Hey, it’s all good, Terry Pegula! You’re worth billions!

Dale Tallon wore this shirt on July 1st while listening to Warren G's "I Want It All" all day.

But the King of Bling title surely belongs to another gentleman. One who made it rain on free agents like no one has ever witnessed before. Nothing could stop this man’s made-for-MTV spending spree.

One of the worst contracts in hockey? I’ll take him!

A forward who couldn’t hack it with the Leafs? Versteeg’s our guy!

Blood clots? Bah, give him 4.5!

An aging 35-year-old defenseman with a vast injury history? Lock him up for 4 years at over 4 million per!

He doubled his previous career-high? I want him!

Oh, his career-high prior to last year was only 21 points? Don’t matter, we already signed him.

Surely, not Bergenheim? Oh, hell yeah Bergenheim! Why keep guys like Grabner or Bergfors around on the cheap when I could spend on B-E-R-G-E-N-H-E-I-M.

What about our goalie, sir? We don’t need one of the best, we’ll go with Theordore and Clemmensen and spend our money on the rest.

Hey, it’s all good, Dale Tallon! At least in your old age you’ll have some familiar faces around to comfort you.

"Welcome to Columbus, Mr. Wisniewski"

While Mr. Tallon had the quantity, it took a “special” person to be able to achieve what he did in one quick flash. And it was done by you. You took it upon yourself and decided to anoint this defenseman The Chosen One. The man who would save your team’s atrocious power play and, in turn, your job.

You opened up the Scrooge McDuck vault and let this 27-year-old stud dive into your golden money pit for 6 years. After all, you had extra cash lying around after buying out that overpriced defenseman Commodore. Sheesh, what a bad investment that guy turned out to be, eh? But this new piece is different. He’s an offensive dynamo. A 50+ point getter… last season… the only season… where he played on two teams… three since 2010.

Bah, they don’t know what you know. They aren’t… Columbus.

Hey, it’s all good, Scott Howson. I hear Wiz sucks a mean…

Two rivals face elimination on the next episode of GM Apprentice. "I may have signed Khabibulin but at least I didn't trade a top 5 pick away like this guy." - Tambo "*chuckle* Where am I? What is this? *chuckle*" - Shermanator

Which brings me to the Mike Milbury Achievement In Trading Excellence Award winner.

You were the shrewd cat who not only possibly cemented your goaltending situation for upcoming season  — and I use the word “possibly” only because I’m not quite sure if Giguere’s health will hold up — but you’re also well on your way to kicking that pesky gambling high addiction you developed after attending this April’s draft lottery.

Oh, and you also got this Semyon Varlamov kid who, depending on who you ask, was either second or third on the Capitals’ goalie depth chart. Best thing about him, however, is he signed a two-year contract so he won’t skip out to the KHL like many feared. At least not for the next two years. Maybe. Never know with these Russians, they live by their own rules. They’re like the Clint Eastwoods of the league, doing as they please, not giving a damn. Gotta admire that. Unless you’re a GM and you just traded a bet your ass it will be how the f*ck could it not be, look at your team! potential top 5 pick for one. Umm, yeah.

Wait, just read that Joe Sakic called him “an elite goaltender.”  Can’t argue with Joe.

So you got “an elite goaltender” and all you gave up was a nobody in their right mind would be dumb enough to trade potential top 5 pick.

Shrewd.

Hey, it’s all good, Shermanator! Even when it really, really is not.

Follow along on Twitter.

Senile auctioneer Dale Tallon seen here auctioning off his assets to an empty room.

For those of you wondering how much the car repair bill from my last post came to, it was $1500. To raise the cash I had to spend all of February on the street corner turning tricks However, due to “shrinkage” thanks to this awful winter we’re having, I still came up short — at least that’s the excuse I’m sticking to! So now you know why posting has been so light lately.

Here are some thoughts while I bathe the ashamed stench from my body, replacing it with the ashamed stench of a grown man who takes baths.

–Hey, remember the last post where I wrote these brilliant words:

I don’t have much hockey commentary today, but if there was such a thing as being able to buy the Devils stock right now, I’d do it.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had the Devils ranked #4 overall.

–I didn’t participate much on Twitter lately but there were great laughs to be had at the expense of silly reporters on deadline day. Puck Daddy had a great review of all the shenanigans. It’s funny ’cause so many of these media guys take themselves and their jobs so seriously, but in reality they’re just like you and me!

–Speaking of deadline day, let’s talk about the subject of this post: Dale Tallon.

Look, I get the whole “blowing up the team because it sucks and is going nowhere” but besides Niclas Bergfors, Tallon got absolutely nothing in return in this latest fire sale. In fact, if you go back to the Horton and Ballard trades, Tallon really only got Bergfors and two late 1st round picks (used select Nick Njugstad and Quinton Howden). What’s worse is that he’ll probably lose Vokoun for nothing in the summer and still has the Olesz ($3,125,00 untill 2014) and Booth ($4,250,00 until 2015) contracts on the books.

The best trade Tallon made was getting Grabner in the Ballard trade but he then promptly waived Grabner who now has 25 goals and is a +9 (and is used to kill penalties!!!) on Long Island. Hindsight is 20-20 you say, but I voiced this opinion throughout the summer/fall. Grabner is notorious for having crappy training camps so I’m pretty sure Tallon had no clue as to what type of player he was getting in him.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had Tampa Bay ranked #21 overall.

So yeah, Tallon gets a pass because of what he did in Chicago but he made some pretty boneheaded moves over there too.

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Dale Tallon.

The photo Gonchar used on Match.com to lure Bryan Murray last summer.

–Sergei Gonchar has two more years left at $5,500,000!

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Bryan Murray.

–Both the Erik Johnson/1st rounder for Chris Stewart/Kevin Shattenkirk and James Neal/Niskanen for Alex Goligoski trades were pretty fair and good for all teams involved. I’ve read people who chose sides and blasted the trades but I don’t see that as a reasonable take. Every one of those teams got what they needed/wanted.

–If I had to chose one player I’d want out of that bunch, I’d be Erik Johnson. My only concern with him is that he doesn’t strike me as the smartest cat around but hopefully that’ll change with experience and age.

–My wife watched the Oscars so I caught a bit of it (I would ever watch such a non-manly show on my own). People are blasting James Franco as a host, calling him too relaxed and carefree. To those people, I ask: what the f^%k did you expect from Franco? That’s his whole shtick and I’ve never seen him not be himself.

In conclusion, the Oscars and the people who watch them are silly.

//waves goodbye to the one female who reads this blog.

“Bye, Mom!”

–I had a chance to watch a few Ranger games this month (gambling will do that to you) and I was mightily impressed with Ryan McDonagh. That kid is going to be a very fine defenseman in this league for many years to come. Sucks for Habs fans.

–I was looking at the odds to win the Stanley Cup recently and the one that really stuck out for me was Nashville at 34 to 1. Good value there, my friends. The Preds totally strike me as a team built for the playoff grind.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, having the Lightning at 11 to 1 is just silly. No way they win more than one round (if that).

–You know, there’s a chance that Vancouver could meet Chicago in the 1st round and that would be truly epic. I’m sure Canuck fans are relieved they no longer have Big Buff to contend with, but if I were the Hawks coaching staff, I’d call up Kyle Beach, team him up with John Scott, plant both in Luongo’s crease and then count how long it takes for the ‘Nucks to self-destruct. I’d have the self-destruction over/under line set at 2.5 shifts.

–I’m already laughing at the team which overpays a 31-year-old Brad Richards in the summer. Not Gonchar-esque laughing but laughing nevertheless.

–That is all for today. Follow along on Twitter, I’ve lost some followers and would like to get them back just so I could block their rude asses for unfollowing me. You just don’t do such a thing to a man!

–OH, BEFORE I GO. LEAVE SOME COMMENTS, OTHERWISE I WON’T BLOG AGAIN . Yes, that was an empty threat and a pathetic display to get some attention from my reader(s).

Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

While another mega-sports star does irreparable damage to his image, here are a few thoughts going through my little brain…

At least Tiger got laid before f**king things up.

–I’m sorry to do this to you but I just have to talk about LeBron. So with that, goodbye, loyal reader. I hardly knew ye!

Growing up, I was a huge basketball fan. If hockey was #1, basketball was #1a. I loved playing the sport, I loved following the sport. Most of my friends felt the same (some minus the playing part if they sucked at it!).

Then something happened.

During the 2002/03 season, I started to lose most of my interest in the NBA. It’s probably no coincidence that that timeline corresponds with the emergence of today’s new news culture and the rise of the even more selfish, self-absorbed athlete. For me, it became hard to get behind players like Shaq or Vince Carter, whom I saw as giant jackasses. These sorts of “personalities” were all over the league. The culture around basketball made the NBA the biggest victim of this “me first” trend.

Many of the players in the Jordan era had huge egos. Jordan himself had a massive ego. But you know what? The public’s access to a player’s “personality” at that time was more controlled and nothing like it is now. Jordan’s ego was never this exposed.

Last night’s LeBron show was a climax of this trend which showcases athletes seeking fame and attention over respect for the sport. I never cared much for LeBron but I can see how he became a victim of the times. On the other hand, he’s a narcissistic clown so whatever.

But you know what? I watched last night. And I’ll probably watch more NBA games next season than I did last. So who gets the last laugh?

Hopefully, we all will when the Heat get knocked out of the playoffs next year. Haa haa!

And also when LeBron’s jersey and sneaker sales fall through the floor. Haa haa!

And also when Bosh demands a trade in two years because he got jealous that Wade and James went out to dinner without him. Haa haa!

In the end, I’m just glad hockey players are who they are. We just need to make sure that we keep our kids away from the influence of Patrick Kane.

–Kovalchuk still hasn’t signed. The Kings are rumored to be back into the mix and then rumored to be out of the mix and then rumored to be in the mix. It’s quite crazy, actually.

I’d like to see him sign in Los Angeles. It’s a good fit on a team that’s already fun to watch.  It’ll be interesting to see how, if he does sign in LA, it will affect the team a couple years down the road. Especially if guys like Schenn, Bernier, Teubert and Hickey also turn out to be better than average NHLers. Though, I’m sure Dean Lombardi will figure it out since he comes across smarter than 95% of GMs in the league.

–Matt Reitz wrote a great piece analyzing Stan Bowman’s work in Chicago. Give it a read.

It’s sad to see that team broken apart because they all seemed to genuinely like each other and they all fit great together. However, let’s not fool ourselves, none of the pieces they let go are irreplaceable. The players Bowman has brought in, like Matt wrote, have the potential to be solid replacement cogs for the departed ones.

That said, there’s something about Stan that just rubs me the wrong way. I can’t articulate it but let’s just say that I wouldn’t trust him around my wife. Ha.

Look at the emotion!

–The Canucks have announced that they are going to retire Markus Naslund’s number #19 to the rafters. Keep in mind that Gillis was Naslund’s former agent, so there’s another conspiracy brewin’ in Vancouver.

Does Naslund deserve it? Meh. He wasn’t a very captivating figure and didn’t lead the Canucks to any playoff success. But he did score 40 goals three times so he ranks right up there with the Zigmund Palffys of the world. Yay, Ziggy!

On the other hand, he’ll always be linked in a way to the franchise’s most famous moment: The Bertuzzi. So he’s got that going for him.

Anyways, to me, Pavel Bure — no matter the falling out at the end — deserves a jersey in the rafters of Mr. Rogers Arena (I refuse to give any publicity to the  media company!) more than Naslund. Bure put Vancouver on the hockey map. Sure, he may have been a bit of a diva at the end but on the bright side, he never held a 1-hour special when he split town.

–With Germany out of the World Cup, I no longer have to cheer for them after losing a bet to BoF reader Rouven. Speaking of which, he hasn’t been around this week so hopefully the loss didn’t cause him to go into a self-induced schweinebraten and wiener schnitzel coma.

–As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter, a place where I have lots of fun with LeBron’s and Bosh’s twitter accounts:

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

It's over, hallelujah!

–This years draft was kind of weird. Not a bad weird, or a good weird. Just weird. There was lots of talk prior that this class wasn’t that good and I think that showed with so many off-the-board picks. When the talent isn’t there, GMs don’t care about rankings as much and just go with who they like. Speaking of which…

–With Fowler and Gormley still on the board, prior to the Tampa Bay Lightning making their selection, I tweeted this:

As you know, a few seconds later, they drafted WHL winger Brett Connolly.

I’m not saying I know more about hockey than Steve Yzerman (I’m sure  I do, though) or that as a GM I could build a kick-ass team (which is pretty much a given based on my success in “Be A GM” mode) but this pick confused me.

From the Montreal Gazette:

At least they added the “medically speaking” at the end rather than a flat out comparison… phew?

Well, Connolly’s hip remains a question mark and word is that he refused to let teams take an MRI. Also, in his childhood he had a “horrific” accident that mashed up his hand and some people say the result is structural weakness in his hands. Never a good thing for a hockey player that relies on his skill, right?

But kudos to him for overcoming that and getting drafted in the 1st round. I’d just whimper, feel sorry for myself and probably get addicted to crack if that happened to me. I also liked Brett’s serious, no-fluff approach to the way he presents himself. Very Stevie Y-like.

I just think Tampa would have been better off drafting a defenseman like Fowler or Gormley to go with Hedman. Good defenseman are much harder to find than forwards with injury concerns.

"Vancouver? That's not near Edmonton, is it hun?"

–Want to know how hard is it to get a decent all-around defensemen? Just ask the Vancouver Canucks.

I’m not sure I like the Ballard trade for Vancouver. I do like it A LOT for Florida, though.

Ballard strikes me as a good number-3 defenseman-type and the Canucks blueline is littered with those. Plus he’s paid a bit too much. He may have upside playing on a better team, but that’s not always the case (see: Jay Bouwmeester, Olli Jokinen, Nathan Horton). Oreskovich is a 4th liner who may not even make the team.

On the flipside, the Panthers shed salary,  picked up a first rounder, and a player who could become the best one in the trade: Michael Grabner.

From the little that I’ve seen Grabner play, he can be electrifying with his speed and rocket of a shot. He’s also quite good at finding scoring spots on the ice. Just don’t expect much defense from him. Steve Bernier gives the Panthers depth up front, which is something need. But let’s just say that it’s “haa-haa” funny that he was picked one spot ahead of Zach Parise in the ’03 draft.

– Of course, with Ballard possessing a sweet swing, maybe the Canucks had ulterior motives when making this trade:

–Wow, you know the trading was weak on draft day when you devote so much space to analyzing a Keith Ballard trade.

–I really liked what the Panthers did yesterday. Gudbranson + Grabner + 2 centers later in the 1st round + shed Ballard’s salary. Dale Tallon is pretty good at drafting and trading. It’s the free agency stuff he struggles with.

–Another team that I thought did a good job was Anaheim. Fowler at #12  and Etem at #29 present AWESOME value. All that good will be erased, however, if they don’t sign Bobby Ryan.

– I’m starting to get more comfortable in my belief that Tomas Kaberle won’t get as much in return as people were led to belief. I’ve been saying this for awhile. Watch Burke prove me wrong, like…tomorrow.

–In the last decade, the 2003 1st round stands out far and above any other year, but the 2008 class is off to a great start. Doughty, Stamkos, Bogosian, Schenn, Bailey, Myers and Del Zotto are already household names in the NHL. Add to that Hodgson, Eberle, Carlson, Sbisa, Karlsson, Zach Boychuk, Boedker, Colin Wilson, Filatov and Piterangelo. All of whom are all pretty known in the hockey world as well. Not too shabby after only two years.

–The 2007 class looks like crap in comparison. Of course, in five years that could all change. I doubt it, though.

–That is all for today. One more thing:  I’m up to 720 followers on Twitter. When I reach 1000, I’m going to spam the living s**t out of them! But shhhhh.