"I'm so pretty that even Michael Landsberg wants to look like me."

For the past five months, I’ve been working really hard to assemble this feature, so please respect these rankings like Brian Burke respects a no-trade-clause.

Three quick points I want to make before getting into it…

1. I managed to interview Steve Yzerman and get his input, thus adding instant credibility to the rankings!
2. Drake was also selected to help me because: 1) he’s Canadian and sounds\acts like he took his fair share of Evander Kane-like right hooks, so you know he knows the game; 2) he’s really popular with the younger generation and also friends with LeBron James, which means he must be like a super cool guy.
3. These are, simply put, the best rankings ever created. Other “experts” don’t know what they are talking about unless they copy these rankings word for word.

#30 – New York Islanders

Biggest offseason story: The one where TSN’s Darren Dreger was made to look dumb.
Best case: Matt Moulson proves he’s not 100% dependent on Tavares, only 95%.
Worst case: Tavares gets injured causing Moulson to get sent to the AHL and Rob Schremp becomes the go-to-guy on offense.
Why they’re #30: When one of your goalies is 41 years old and the other one has a body of a 93-year-old, it makes it hard to put you in at #29.
Steve Yzerman says: “Blades, suck my c*ck, you c*ck sucking a**hole!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Islanders:

Bout to roll me a blunt with my list of regrets
burn it all, burn it all, I’m starting fresh
cause half the time I got it right, I probably guessed

Final verdict: They’ll play as good as they look on paper.

#29 – Florida Panthers

"We can play spin the bottle while we wait for David Booth to get removed from the ice."

Biggest offseason story: Made the mistake of thinking their acquisition of the Big 3 (Michael Grabner, Steve Bernier, Dennis Wideman) wouldn’t get overshadowed in the Miami sports world. When it was, they hastily hired someone to do their marketing; a 15-year-old kid from Iowa, who they met while playing NHL 10 on xBox Live.
Best case: Michael Grabner has a breakout year and finishes the season with 30 goals, 20 assists and only a minus-25.
Worst case: Panther fans start thinking how different things would be if they had someone like Rob Schremp on their team.
Why they’re #29: Because they’re always #29.
Steve Yzerman says: “Hey, Blades. How many f*ucking Stanley Cups have you won, a**hole?”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Panthers:

Look at where I landed
You would think I planned it
I’m just doin’ me and you could never understand it

Final verdict: Vokoun and their defensemen will make them better than the Isles, which is, um, awesome, I guess.

#28 – Anaheim Ducks

Biggest offseason story: Played a very fun game of “let’s piss off our 23-year-old two-time 30-goal scorer” all summer long.
Best case: They end up with a top-5 pick in the 2011 draft, who should compliment their top-5 pick from the 2010 draft, Cam Fowler.
Worst case: Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf realize they’re underpaid, form their own union, and go on strike.
Why they’re #28: After Getzlaf, Perry and Ryan (possibly), you have a team which consists of too many players who are either aging or injury-prone or castoff journeymen. Or in the case of Andy Sutton, all three.
Steve Yzerman says: “What’s that, Blades? You’ve won ZERO Stanley Cups? Sh*t, with the way you flap your gums, I would have thought that number would have been much higher.”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Ducks:

Emotions in this game run deep
done a lot of sh*t they never get to do
so before they say this to me in my sleep
I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure
reppin’ to my last second, dude

Final verdict: Not even Scott Niedermayer returning in the middle of the season can save this team.

#27 – Edmonton Oilers

"In Soviet Russia, car drive drunk."

Biggest offseason story: Found out what the rest of us already know: it’s hard working with a drunken Russian.
Best case: If they keep signing enough goalies, eventually one may go on a run like Michael Leighton did in May… which will be an awesome two weeks for Oilers fans.
Worst case: Amidst a 20-game losing streak, the team launches a workplace sexual harassment investigation, where they learn that Khabibulin has been sneaking vodka into the dressing room and corrupting the youngsters.
Why they’re #27: Because I like to be different from every other site who will have them at #30.
Steve Yzerman says: “Classy, man, making fun of alcoholism and Russians. You’re a bi*ch, Blades!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Oilers:

man, they treat me like a legend
am I really this cold?
I’m really too young to be feeling this old
it’s about time you admit it, who you kidding, man
nobody’s ever done it like I did (ugh)

Final verdict: While it looks like it’ll be another long year in Edmonton, I can see this team climbing a bit higher in the rankings. Either way, Edmonton fans can take solace in that someone other than the Grim Reaper finally got to benefit from Dany Heatley’s douchiness.

#26 – Minnesota Wild

Biggest offseason story: The huge-dollar contract extension given to Mikko Koivu sparked a spirited debate between diehard Minnesota Wild fans and those who actually have a brain.
Best case: Given that he’s such an amazing defensive center, there’s a good chance that Koivu’s negative +/- rating last season was a one-off. If he gets back in black and posts 70+ points again, he’ll only be slightly overpaid.
Worst case: *yawn*
Why they’re #26: I’m not 100% sure, but I think I’d rather take the Leafs’ forwards over their Wild’s, which means I may be a little generous with this ranking.
Steve Yzerman says: “You sh*thead! The Dan Snyder reference in the last ranking was absolutely tasteless. If I ever see you in person, I swear to God… ARGH! F*CK!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Wild:

look
uhh
this is me
still the same
they want the hits
I play the game
no auto tune, but you can feel the Pain
it all comes spilling out like I hit a vein

Final verdict: The only time you should concern yourself with the Wild this year is if you have trouble falling asleep. Think of them as a cheaper alternative to an Ambien prescription.

This concludes the first part of the season preview. Stay tuned for ranks #25 to #21 which will be posted sometime soon (hopefully before October). In the meantime, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter ’cause I’m *this* close to living out of my childhood dream of having 1000 followers. Granted, I always envisioned having to start a cult to get to that number; never imaged a hockey blog would do the trick.

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis does some freaky mathematician stuff to see what Crosby’s numbers would look like had he played in the 80′s. He also adjusts Gretzky’s stats from that era to see what they’d look like over an 82-game season.

Man, every time I glance at Wayne’s 200+ point seasons, they blow my mind. Which leads me to the following point: Remember in our hockey pools when we had to draft Wayne’s and Mario’s assists and points separately, and Steve Yzerman became the fallacious #1 pick? If you do, you’re getting old!

Down Goes Brown – DGB tries to explain why the Ottawa Senators lost money this season. Mind you, it’s not a coincidence that the sum total of their losses amounted to $4 million. After all, it’s hard to budget for getting robbed blinded by a disgruntled employee.

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying on the financial topic, Mike Halford has a rundown of teams that will soon be feeling the salary cap pinch. I was shocked — and I mean SHOCKED — to see the Florida Panthers on the list. On second glance, though, I realized they employ Bryan McCabe, so cap issues are to be expected.

View From My Seats – Matt Reitz shares a transcript of Dale Tallon’s meeting with Florida ownership. While you read that, I’m going to ponder why I always want to write “Dave” Tallon instead of “Dale”. Dave just seems to flow better. I think his parents made a mistake … Jeez, I hope his parents aren’t dead ’cause I don’t want them to haunt me over this. F#ck, maybe I should just scrap what I just wrote…

Flames Nation – Ken Wilson argues that middle class goalies are interchangeable, and uses stats to back up his point. This leads him to conclude that it may be wise for the Flames to deal Kiprusoff while they still can. That’s quite a ballsy opinion for a Flames fan to have. Y’know, considering that Darryl Sutter will be the one making the trade; Probably will end with Kimmo Timonen coming back in exchange.

IIHF – Some guy working for the IIHF blasts players who chose not to partake in the World Championships. I’m not saying this is a self-serving article from someone who may have an axe to grind, but let me tell you this: I wouldn’t be surprised if some quota wasn’t met and, as a result, Szymon Szemberg’s wife will not be getting the new diamond necklace he promised her. An unhappy wife is an unhappy life, so take that Sidney Crosby!

Down Goes Brown – DGB returns for an encore. This time with a look at Boston Bruins excuses for their epic collapse. I hope Leafs fans milk this collapse for all they can, afterall, it’s only fair since the Bruins have been milking Toronto for a while now.

Truth & Rumors – The ever-entertaining William Houston sides with Willie Mitchell on his rant against league disciplinarian Colin Campbell. Good read, but back to Dale “should have been Dave” Tallon”s parents. They’re alive, right? I just heard a noise in my basement. You don’t think, do you? Getting kind of freaked out here…

The Pens Blog – Fantastic post that sticks it to those who are running Trade Malkin stories. The gap between the mainstream media and  bloggers is narrowing by the day. Heck, writers from both camps already share the same mode of transporation (for those too lazy to click the link, the ride of choice is a Honda Accord with over 500,000 km’s on the dash).

Bloge Salming – A typical day in the life of Gary Bettman set to the tune of Like A Boss. Great work as always by Bloge.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week Five for Howling and The Rat Trick. Sorry if I missed anyone. Big thanks also to everyone that spread the funny on Twitter and around the internet.

Speaking of Twitter, Blades of Funny is now up to a new record of 581 followers. That’s pretty much the plateau I would think, especially if I keep coming out with material like this:

Random Thought:

I do not care one iota about the IIHF World Hockey Championships. There, I said it. In YOUR face, Szymon Szemberg. BTW, your parents also screwed up your name.

Uh-oh! Why do I keep doing this to myself???

Blades of Funny went 2-2 in the 2nd round, and all it took to achieve this averageness was a comeback for the ages. Overall playoff record now stands at 6-6. Average to the core, baby!

For the Conference Finals, I’ve decided to switch things up. Instead of looking forward and coming up with wacky storylines, I’m going to do what the pros do: compare the teams.

Montreal vs. Philadelphia

Hal Gill

Montreal… deploys a gameplan which revolves in getting badly outplayed and then pulling out a miraculous victory.
Philadelphia… has also caught on to this style.

Montreal… players have been known to interact with distasteful individuals off the ice.
Philadelphia… players have been known to interact with distasteful individuals on the ice.

Montreal… has faced four goalies thus far in the playoffs.
Philadelphia… are fully expecting to dress four goalies going forward.

Montreal… fans have a reputation of losing their minds during playoff time.
Philadelphia… fans have a reputation of losing their minds all year round.

Montreal… has a guy in goal who’s been compared to Ken Dryden and Patrick Roy.
Philadelphia… has Michael Leighton. <—— HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Verdict: Montreal in 6.

Chicago vs. San Jose

Stylin' Bufflyn

San Jose… has a guy they call Jumbo who rarely shows up in the postseason.
Chicago… has a jumbo guy who rarely shows up. Period.

San Jose… led by Joe Pavelski, have torn apart the opposition in these playoffs.
Chicago… has also left their opposition torn apart, just ask Sami Salo.

San Jose… has a star sniper whose desire for change last summer made him act like a jackass.
Chicago… has a star sniper whose desire for change last summer also made him act like a jackass.

San Jose… defeated the Red Wings in the second round.
Chicago… also defeated a whiny team/fan base in the second round.

San Jose… does not have Marian Hossa.
Chicago… has Marian Hossa, which means it’s allllllll good, baby baby…this round, anyway.

The Verdict: Chicago is 6.

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter. Over there, I try to solve life’s mysteries … like why the Bruins collapsed:

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

– Before I start blowing your mind with my thoughts on the hockey world, let me first welcome all the new Blades of Funny readers who are joining us after the mega-successful high school post.  Fist bump!

–Let me start with the Blackhawks-Canucks series. You know why the Hawks won? Because they are the better team. They skate better, they score better, they play defense better, and they play the physical game better. Sure, they have their brain farts due to their age, but when they’re on, they’re lethal.

–With that said, let’s tear down the Canucks. I’m not saying that I’m a better coach than Alain Vigneault — I’d probably do some rash things after Game 4 like send O’Brien out to Bertuzzi Dustin Byfuglien, bench Luongo in favor of Raycroft, call up 1/2 my AHL team, and stab Mike Gillis multiple times for assembling this D-core — but even I would start 7 defensemen if one of them had a testicle injury.

–One thing I don’t get about the Canucks is why they don’t deploy a more defensive system (their defensive play was almost Caps-like in the Hawks series…almost). If you have a goalie in Luongo that’s supposed to be elite then why not optimize his talent with a sound defensive strategy. The way they do things now is comparable to a 60-year-old man who has a smokin’ hot 20-year-old trophy wife but doesn’t fill his viagra prescription. Not the best use of the assets at your disposal.

–It’s now safe to say that comparisons of Luongo to Brodeur and Roy were premature. Comparisons of Halak to Dryden and Roy, also premature.

–I’ve heard some people compare the Canucks to the Sharks. While they no doubt stole Luongo via trade, they still have a long ways to go to match the Sharks trifecta of thievery in acquiring Thornton, Heatley, and Boyle.

–Is there a better defensive pairing in the league than Keith-Seabrook? NO!

–I was never much of a Habs fan but it’s hard not to get behind this team. Oh my gawd, did I just write that? WTF IS HAPPENING???

–PK Subban. That’s what’s happening. He even makes the Habs cool.

–Enough playoff talk. Let’s talk about the Coyotes ownership issue. <yawn>Let’s not.</yawn>

–Let’s talk about Olli Jokinen instead (he so funny). There were rumors that he’s jumping to the KHL, which got me thinking about who else might do the same. My money is on Alexander Ovechkin Frolov. I read that his agent wants $5 million a season. So yeah, Siberia sounds about right.

–Sticking with the Jokinen theme. You could say that Darryl Sutter traded Matthew Lombardi, Michael Cammalleri, and the 13th overall pick in this years draft for Ales Kotalik. You could say that, though Darryl Sutter probably doesn’t want you to.

–Something I heard on the radio this week: I think I was listening to a Vancouver station when the host said the Flames franchise is in much better shape than the Oilers. The argument he used to make his point was that the Oilers have the 1st overall pick, Jordan Eberle and not much else, whereas the Flames almost made the playoffs.

[FACEPALM]

At this point I think I’d take the 1st overall pick + Eberle +  Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson (thank you, Google!) + Hemsky + Penner who showed improvement this year + Sam Gagner over an aging team with no real blue chip prospects besides, maybe, Backlund.

Over the next year or two the Flames should be the better team, but the Oilers future is much brighter in my humble opinion.

–Still on the Oilers front, I think they should draft Tayor Hall. I base this on nothing more than the hype that’s always surrounded him. In my opinion that makes him the safer pick of the two. Scouts may scoff at my reasoning but let’s pick a random draft…hmmm…1999.

Patrik Stefan went #1, Sedins went #2 and #3. Now, I don’t remember what the hype was 2 years prior to that draft, but I imagine two red-haired Swedish hockey-playing twins must have garnered more attention than Stefan. My point is proven. Fire your scouts and monitor internet buzz instead.

–Speaking of prospects, I had a talk with a buddy of mine who’s a Leafs fan. He kept talking about Kadri this and Kadri that. How Kadri lit up the OHL, how Kadri will be dynamite with Kessel, and how Kadri will lead the Leafs to the playoffs.

Jiri Tlusty popped into my head but I decided to spare him the pain. Instead, I told him that the progress of Schenn and Phaneuf’s ability to regain his 07-08 form is what holds the key to the 2010-11 Leafs. He just replied: “Kadri?…Kadri?…KADRI!!!”

–The most humorous thing about the playoffs is flip-flopping fans\media. Each win is met with unbridled optimism, each loss renews calls for the end is nigh.

–Remember in the last Serious Thoughts post I wrote about my man-crush on Justin from Bourne’s Blog? Well, sad to report that things ended up kind of messy on that front.

Big news on the Twitter front: 500 FOLLOWERS! Many said it couldn’t be done but I proved them wrong. My latest scheme to get followers involves using religion as evidenced by this tweet I sent out last night:

Behold… The Blades of Funny 1st round playoff predictions:

Washington vs. Montreal

In a stunning twist of events, the offices of the Canadiens organization get raided by the RCMP. The franchise is shut down and charged with siphoning Haiti Relief money in some wild money laundering scheme. This leads one Georges Laraque to chime in: “I warned you about these shady motherf#$kers back in January. Didn’t I? You just chose not to listen.” In a funny twist of fate, Washington is awarded a 4-0 series win by default, the same result had the teams actually hit the ice.

New Jersey vs. Philadelphia

After dropping the first two games by a combined score of 18-3, Flyers coach Peter Laviolette shocks the hockey world by naming a 1987 O-Pee-Chee rookie card of Ron Hextall as his starting goalie for game 3. Even though the Hextall card improves the Flyers save percentage by 100 basis points, it is still not enough to derail the Devils who win it in 6.

Buffalo vs. Boston

The Boston Bruins pull off the upset by eliminating the Sabres in 6. The most memorable part of this series, however, was the touching intermission story aired by NBC showing Bruins players visiting a local hospital. None of us will ever forget the look on Marc Savard’s face when he saw his teammates walk into the infirmary and present him with a game puck and a “keep your head up” t-shirt in Bruins colors.

Pittsburgh vs. Ottawa

With Evgeni Malkin still in a state of hibernation, Sidney Crosby is forced to carry the Penguins on his back and lead them to a 4-2 series win. He goes from hero to villain in the minds of Senators fans, who start a petition outside Scotiabank Place in hopes of convincing parliament to annex Sidney’s Canadian citizenship. Signed by 1256, the petition, sent from Kanata after the series concluded is expected to arrive in Ottawa sometime in October 2010.

San Jose vs. Colorado

Patrick Marleau, motivated by heading into free agency this summer, plays great. Dany Heatley, motivated by sticking it to the Senators, plays great. Joe Thornton, motivated by proving all his doubters wrong, plays great. Evgeni Nabokov, motivated by his Olympics failure, plays great. Still, the Sharks lose in 7 because the April curse is no joke, my friends.

Chicago vs. Nashville

The series takes a bad turn for Nashville in game 2 when a Shea Weber slap-shot ricochets off Patrick Kane’s mouthguard, careens off Steve Sillivan back (breaking it), and then strikes Patric Hornqvist in the head (putting him in a coma). Nashville cannot score another goal after that and Chicago takes the series in 5.

Vancouver vs. Los Angeles

Vancouver players, coaches, fans, and even media members look sluggish and slow as the series begins.  Turns out that an April 2010 by-law passed by city council is to blame for the sleep deprivation of many Vancouverites.  The law requires everyone within city limits to pen and post to the internet a 1000-word article detailing their argument as to why Henrik Sedin deserves the Hart Trophy. The Kings take advantage of their opposition’s sluggish play and win the series in 6. This leads Ryan Smyth to coin the cheesiest line of the first round when he proclaims: “We never had a doubty because we have Drew Doughty.”

Detroit vs. Phoenix

After a snake is thrown on the ice in Phoenix, Detroit fans feel the need to come up with something fresh and representative of their state to throw onto the ice when the series switches to Michigan. This leads to the cancellation of game 3 (and all remaining games at The Joe), after the ice is littered with unsold Ford and GM vehicles. On the bright side, Phoenix players rummage through the rubble and pay a visit to the salvage yard. They use the proceeds to finance their flight back to Arizona, where they then promptly lose the series 4-2.