(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

– Before I start blowing your mind with my thoughts on the hockey world, let me first welcome all the new Blades of Funny readers who are joining us after the mega-successful high school post.  Fist bump!

–Let me start with the Blackhawks-Canucks series. You know why the Hawks won? Because they are the better team. They skate better, they score better, they play defense better, and they play the physical game better. Sure, they have their brain farts due to their age, but when they’re on, they’re lethal.

–With that said, let’s tear down the Canucks. I’m not saying that I’m a better coach than Alain Vigneault — I’d probably do some rash things after Game 4 like send O’Brien out to Bertuzzi Dustin Byfuglien, bench Luongo in favor of Raycroft, call up 1/2 my AHL team, and stab Mike Gillis multiple times for assembling this D-core — but even I would start 7 defensemen if one of them had a testicle injury.

–One thing I don’t get about the Canucks is why they don’t deploy a more defensive system (their defensive play was almost Caps-like in the Hawks series…almost). If you have a goalie in Luongo that’s supposed to be elite then why not optimize his talent with a sound defensive strategy. The way they do things now is comparable to a 60-year-old man who has a smokin’ hot 20-year-old trophy wife but doesn’t fill his viagra prescription. Not the best use of the assets at your disposal.

–It’s now safe to say that comparisons of Luongo to Brodeur and Roy were premature. Comparisons of Halak to Dryden and Roy, also premature.

–I’ve heard some people compare the Canucks to the Sharks. While they no doubt stole Luongo via trade, they still have a long ways to go to match the Sharks trifecta of thievery in acquiring Thornton, Heatley, and Boyle.

–Is there a better defensive pairing in the league than Keith-Seabrook? NO!

–I was never much of a Habs fan but it’s hard not to get behind this team. Oh my gawd, did I just write that? WTF IS HAPPENING???

–PK Subban. That’s what’s happening. He even makes the Habs cool.

–Enough playoff talk. Let’s talk about the Coyotes ownership issue. <yawn>Let’s not.</yawn>

–Let’s talk about Olli Jokinen instead (he so funny). There were rumors that he’s jumping to the KHL, which got me thinking about who else might do the same. My money is on Alexander Ovechkin Frolov. I read that his agent wants $5 million a season. So yeah, Siberia sounds about right.

–Sticking with the Jokinen theme. You could say that Darryl Sutter traded Matthew Lombardi, Michael Cammalleri, and the 13th overall pick in this years draft for Ales Kotalik. You could say that, though Darryl Sutter probably doesn’t want you to.

–Something I heard on the radio this week: I think I was listening to a Vancouver station when the host said the Flames franchise is in much better shape than the Oilers. The argument he used to make his point was that the Oilers have the 1st overall pick, Jordan Eberle and not much else, whereas the Flames almost made the playoffs.

[FACEPALM]

At this point I think I’d take the 1st overall pick + Eberle +  Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson (thank you, Google!) + Hemsky + Penner who showed improvement this year + Sam Gagner over an aging team with no real blue chip prospects besides, maybe, Backlund.

Over the next year or two the Flames should be the better team, but the Oilers future is much brighter in my humble opinion.

–Still on the Oilers front, I think they should draft Tayor Hall. I base this on nothing more than the hype that’s always surrounded him. In my opinion that makes him the safer pick of the two. Scouts may scoff at my reasoning but let’s pick a random draft…hmmm…1999.

Patrik Stefan went #1, Sedins went #2 and #3. Now, I don’t remember what the hype was 2 years prior to that draft, but I imagine two red-haired Swedish hockey-playing twins must have garnered more attention than Stefan. My point is proven. Fire your scouts and monitor internet buzz instead.

–Speaking of prospects, I had a talk with a buddy of mine who’s a Leafs fan. He kept talking about Kadri this and Kadri that. How Kadri lit up the OHL, how Kadri will be dynamite with Kessel, and how Kadri will lead the Leafs to the playoffs.

Jiri Tlusty popped into my head but I decided to spare him the pain. Instead, I told him that the progress of Schenn and Phaneuf’s ability to regain his 07-08 form is what holds the key to the 2010-11 Leafs. He just replied: “Kadri?…Kadri?…KADRI!!!”

–The most humorous thing about the playoffs is flip-flopping fans\media. Each win is met with unbridled optimism, each loss renews calls for the end is nigh.

–Remember in the last Serious Thoughts post I wrote about my man-crush on Justin from Bourne’s Blog? Well, sad to report that things ended up kind of messy on that front.

Big news on the Twitter front: 500 FOLLOWERS! Many said it couldn’t be done but I proved them wrong. My latest scheme to get followers involves using religion as evidenced by this tweet I sent out last night:

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

–The Caps lost! The Caps lost! Ohhhhh myyyyy gaaaaawd!

–The best analysis I read of the series was penned by Justin Jason Bourne (YESSS!!! I’m the first one to ever use that joke on him) on his blog.

Washington is the first team I can ever remember watching that’s worse when they try harder.

I couldn’t agree more. Justin Jason Bourne’s (BOOM!!! AGAIN!!!) blog is quickly becoming one of my favorite hockey reads. Good insight, easy-to-read style, and humor mixed in. Basically everything that Blades of Funny is not.  Plus Justin (I have stopped) seems like a really cool guy to just shoot the breeze with. Quite the looker too. Add his blog to your list.

–Jeez, rereading what I just wrote, it may come across to some like I have a man-crush. Maybe I should erase it? … Nah, I’ll leave it in and see where it goes.

–But back to the Caps. One thing they shouldn’t do is go out and get a high-priced goalie. With Varlamov and Neuvirth developing, it would be pretty unwise to use up cap space on an expensive goalie. <cough>Boston</cough>.

–What about trading Semin and bringing in a shutdown defenseman, you ask? Again, I don’t think they need to do anything rash. Breaking the piggy bank for Volchenkov or Hamhuis isn’t wise with Karl Alzner still developing. Besides, the Caps lost because they thought they would coast through Montreal and instead, they ran into a hot goalie. I think they’ve learned their lesson.

–With that said, Bruce Boudreau is to blame. It’s the coach’s job to make sure his team is mentally sharp. Should he lose his job? I’m an anonymous hockey blogger on the internet, so I think I’m as qualified as anyone to answer this for you…but I can’t.

–Is Anton Volchenkov the coolest name in hockey, or what? Sounds like a smooth Russian gangster who is about to order a hit on the mayor.

Much cooler than Alexander Ovechkin.

And don’t even get me started on how much cooler it is than Semin.

Uh-uh-uh… There was no Semin left for the playoffs because he blew his load in the regular season.

YES!

–You’ve probably already heard this story about Brooks Laich changing a stranger’s tire after Game 7. What you may have missed is the following line:

The jack fell down, and he had to start again.

That could serve as a great metaphor for the Caps next season…

The 2010-11 Washington Capitals
“This Time We’ll Jack It Right”

Don’t you love how I’m able to spin this web? I’m like Spider-Man. Only cooler.

–If the Flames had signed Cammalleri instead of Bouwmeester, do you think they would have made the playoffs? I do.

–On a blog, whose name escapes me at the moment, a writer used the following nickname for Mikael Samuelsson: FU Sweden. I found that hilarious.

–Do you guys think that the Hart Trophy will cause sibling rivalry between Henrik and Daniel? I can totally picture the following scenes play out in real life:

(the twins meeting someone for the first time)

Henrik: i’m Henrik.
Daniel: i’m Daniel.
Henrik: i’m the one who was named mvp.

(someone asking the twins how to tell them apart)

Henrik: he’s the one without THIS. [lifts up hart trophy]

(daniel with wife over at henrik’s house for a dinner party)

Daniel’s wife (looking at the mantle which prominently displays the hart): what’s this?
Daniel: nothing.
Henrik’s wife: that’s MY husband’s mvp trophy.
Daniel’s wife: how come we don’t have one?
Henrik: ’cause he’s not as good as I am.

Oh sure, for the first few weeks it’ll be funny and Daniel will let out a meek laugh. After a while, though, I can totally see him asking for a trade and never speaking to Henrik again.

–Hey, let’s talk about the Panthers. Just kidding. Let’s talk about the Thrashers. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Kovalchuk signs with them come July 1st? Then again, if the Trashers have playoff aspirations, maybe signing Kovalchuk isn’t the wisest thing to do. OH SNAP!

–The Montreal Canadiens really ruined the sexy over in the East. Instead of Pittsburgh-Boston with the Savard/Cooke storyline, and Washington-Philadelphia with the offense vs. grit storyline, and then the possibility of the holy grail Washington-Pittsburgh final, we now get these lackluster matchups. It’s like when you anticipate meeting that sexy girl you met online and she turns out to look nothing like she did in the picture she sent you. The Canadiens are like the lying bi#%h of this years playoffs. Did that even make sense?

–While reading Elliotte Friedman’s 30 Thoughts this week, I found this part quite odd:

A Western Conference front-office type on Mason Raymond: “He’s like a little Sedin.” That’s a nice compliment.

This would be true if the Sedins had lightning speed and sub-par puck possession ability. Someone should tell Darryl Sutter about this guy so he can trade him Ales Kotalik. Then again, that guy may actually be Darryl Sutter.

–This is a good read about Jim Corsi and the Corsi number which is gaining popularity among hockey nerds bloggers. I’m not much of an in-depth stats guy; I like sticking to the basics. That could explain why I was always good in math class up until grade 11 rolled around and everything went to sh#%. Then again, perhaps the real reason was the pot. Perhaps.

The End.

I challenge you to a thumb war…on Twitter! Not tonight though, as that’s the night I dust the Justin Jason Bourne posters in my bedroom.

In this series, Blades of Funny pays homage to the teams that have departed us this season.

To set the mood, we recommend you play the song that inspired the title: “End Of The Line” by the Traveling Wilburys — the most underrated song in music history (that’s no hyperbole, my friend, it really is that dear to our hearts).

In this time of grief, let us now say something positive about these teams. They’ve reached the end of the line, but it doesn’t have to end there (well, technically it does).

New York Rangers

It’s all right… proving all the haters wrong, Marian Gaborik played 76 games this season.
Unfortunately… his inactivity during the final shootout of the season caused his hamstring to tighten up and as a result, well, you know.

Atlanta Thrashers

It’s all right… on the final weekend of the season, Evander Kane became THE most popular player in the NHL.
Unfortunately… because of the vast amount of free beer he consumes over the summer, come September he will be overweight…and also an alcoholic.

Carolina Hurricanes

It’s all right… at one point during the season, the team was battling the Leafs for the basement, but a decent second half propelled it to 11th in the conference.
Unfortunately… they really would have been better off in the basement since, unlike the Leafs, they still possess their draft picks.

New York Islanders

It’s all right… with the drafting of John Tavares, Islanders fans finally have a superstar that they can follow.
Unfortunately… we’re not sure how many Kansas City games are going to televised in the Long Island region in 2012.

Florida Panthers

It’s all right… at least the team dodged a bullet by not re-signing Jay Bouwmeester for huge money.
Unfortunately… star winger, David Booth, wasn’t as slick when it came to dodging bullets and now has a hole in his brain.

Toronto Maple Leafs

It’s all right… last summer, nobody thought the Leafs would be able to acquire two franchise players in such a short span, but those doubters were proven wrong.
Unfortunately… Burke traded said players to Boston.

St. Louis Blues

It’s all right… the team sanctioned golf cart driving courses paid of this year; everyone passed the course.
Unfortunately… all the Blues’ young players were so nervous about the road test that they stopped concentrating on hockey.

Calgary Flames

It’s all right… the organization is closer than ever to firing anyone with the surname “Sutter”.
Unfortunately… fans will face a few tense weeks when news breaks that a “McGuire” has sent in his resume.

Anaheim Ducks

It’s all right… at least management dodged a bullet when they realized, right before the deadline, that Vesa Toskala was on their roster.
Unfortunately… Jason Blake’s name managed  to elude them.

Dallas Stars

It’s all right… the retirement of Mike Modano and departure of Marty Turco will bring a sense of change to the team.
Unfortunately… the organization risks alienating their fan base when fans become confused as to why their team no longer deploys the heavily-padded 3rd defenseman like they have over the past nine seasons.

Edmonton Oilers

It’s all right… unlike their neighbors to the south, the Oilers will enter next season with a solid core of prospects in their organization.
Unfortunately… the rogue parking enforcement officer has already been seen running their plates through the system in anticipation.

Minnesota Wild

It’s all right… a sense of optimism and change ran rampant in the area when new management was overheard saying stuff like: “bringing in a game-changer,” and “playing an open run-n-gun style.”
Unfortunately… they were just making small talk about the Minnesota Vikings.

Columbus Blue Jackets

It’s all right… despite the rough season, the BJs still managed to make life miserable for Brian Burke by locking up Rick Nash.
Unfortunately… life was even more miserable for Blue Jackets fans as they watched Andrew Raycroft Steve Mason regress.

Not following along on twitter? Can’t say that I blame you.

Credit: AvenueCalgary.com

One of the most perplexing hockey-related stories that we’ve ever encountered occurred this past week. No, we are not talking about the Sharks winning a playoff game. We’re talking about the news that Dion Phaneuf will be named the Leafs’ next captain.

After staring dumbfounded at our computer screen and scratching our heads for 72 straight hours, we hit the ground running to try to find an explanation for all this.

In hopes of getting answers, Blades of Funny brought together a vast array of hockey minds for a town hall-style meeting. We hoped that this type of atmosphere would facilitate a discussion that could help us get closer to answering the following question:

“Why in the world does anyone think Dion Phaneuf will make a good captain?”

Join us now as we share with you some excerpts of what was said…

The Dion Phaneuf Town Hall Meeting

“Dion is a free-thinker who does things his way. He has developed a tendency to tune out his coach, which at this point may not be such a bad thing.” – Ron Wilson

“I think he is an inspiration to his teammates. He makes them believe that they can achieve any of their goals like, say, dating a hot celebrity.” – Mike Fisher

“Wait a minute, I think I’m in the wrong place. This doesn’t sound like my ‘Signs that Alexandre Burrows is the second coming of the Antichrist’ study group.” – Ron MacLean

“WE’RE IN HERE, RON!” – Stephane Auger’s voice coming from an adjoining room.

“Phaneuf? Cool name. Great name for a hitter. FAN-UFFFF! That will play great in Toronto. Great fu$#ing name!” – Rob Ramage

“Ditto on the name.”- Garth Butcher

“I no can lie, eet ees justa great fu#%ing name.” – Luca Caputi

“He’ll do fine as captain, and if not, at least we didn’t give up a boatload of draft picks to acquire him, so how bad can it really turn out?” – Phil Kessel

“Good point, Phil. I think people are missing the fact that Toronto didn’t give up much for Dion. This should help ease the pressure that’s on him.  Imagine if they gave up a 1st round pick which later turned out to be a franchise player.  That would just mess him up.” – Tom Kurvers

“Listen guys, he’ll be a good [giggle] captain [giggle] because he doesn’t mind [giggle], eh, I better not.” – Sean Avery

“Dion a captain??? LMFAO!!!! Thanks for that! I needed a pick-me-up.” – Jarome Iginla

“I said what I said before because I know what it’s like to be looked up to by teammates. I’m engaged to Carrie Underwood. You guys know that, right? Here’s a photo of the two of us…” – Mike Fisher

“I for one believe that the naming of Dion as team captain will be great for team morale.” – Mark Messier (circa: 1997)

“When talking about Dion, one can’t overlook the fact that his cap hit is very reasonable. By my calculations he should be making somewhere around $85 million per season.” – Jeff Finger

“His bone-crushing hits are sure to lead the Leafs to the top of the standings… in the preseason. EAT IT, DION!!!” – Kyle Okposo

“Dion is the greatest thing since sliced bread. We are never wrong about this sort of thing, and we certainly are never prone to hyperbole.” – A Representative of the Toronto Media

“There’s something to be said for his style. The in-season acquisition of Phaneuf brought excitement and optimism to an otherwise mediocre team. When was the last time you saw that happen in Toronto?” – Owen Nolan

“At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that he’s our man and he’ll do fine. Besides, it’s not like we can draft a captain anytime soon, right?” – Phil Kessel

“You know who’d be a better captain? Sidney Crosby, that’s who. Sid was this close to being a Duck. I tell him that every time I see him. Ain’t that right, Sid?” – Brian Burke

“Mr. Burke why did you follow me here? This is an invite-only event. Please Mr. Burke, please stop following me around.” – Sidney Crosby.

“This close to being a Duck, Sid. You were this close.” – Brian Burke (who then proceeded to exit the room backwards, strutting like a duck, and quacking — all the while keeping eye contact with a terrified Sidney Crosby)

“You know who’d make an even better captain? Jay Bouwmeester. Call me. For the love of God, call me!” – Darryl Sutter

“…and here’s the two of us at the Grammys.” – Mike Fisher

Conclusion

Sadly, we were more confused after the meeting than we were before it. So we did what we always do when faced with such a grand dilemma — we asked our online buddy Derek, who has a knack for these things, to give us a simple layman’s explanation. He sent in the following prose:

When I was 20, there was this kid on our block named James.

James had no game when it came to girls. No matter how hard he tried, he could never “score”.

I spent a year trying to help James out. No dice. He was so pathetic that it was comical. You couldn’t look away as you watched him fail again, and again, and again.

Then, by some miracle, James hooked up with this gorgeous woman. I mean, she looked smokin’ hot — long blond hair, amazing pouty lips, and a chest that would make Scarlett Johansson blush.

Her name was Anita.

She turned out be a transsexual.

James didn’t care.

After so many years of ineptitude and failure, James was just happy to finally have someone pretty on his arm.

He convinced himself that she was right for him. He flaunted her to his friends.

We all knew that she was being misrepresented, but none of us had the heart to call him out on it. We were just happy that he was happy.

Don’t know what James is doing now, last I heard he started some hockey blog called Blades of… [edited: this information isn't really relevant to the story].

Conclusion: James = Maple Leafs; Anita = Dion Phaneuf.

Let’s just be happy for them.  I personally think it’s kind of cute.

And that, my friends, is why Derek is Derek.

Now that I’ve solved the Phaneuf puzzle, you can show your gratitude by doing the following: you can become my friend on twitter; you can subscribe to my RSS feed; or you can leave a comment. I noticed that most of you are shy and choose to lurk in the background, but feel free to leave a comment, I won’t bite , unless you want me to! — I apologize for that played out joke, it really was unnecessary, and if it’s any consolation, I do feel shame.

Down Goes Brown – a fond farewell to one of the true legends of NHL refereeing. Also, in addition to the points made, Kerry is the man that kept many Toronto fans from becoming too smug. If they won that 93 Cup, imagine how arrogant they’d be. Like they’d think they live in the center of the hockey universe or something.

Flames Nation – Kent Wilson’s wonderful ode to Darryl Sutter’s workmanship in Calgary. While many in Calgary feel hopeless today, I urge them to look to Phoenix and Denver to see that anything can happen from year to year. The Flames could easily win the Stanley Cup next year. Don’t laugh (nah, you can keep laughing), at least they have some high draft picks… umm, appears they don’t have any.  Well on the bright side, they do have their core locked up for another 3-4 years so there won’t be a need for fans to buy new jerseys.

NHL.com (via Hockey or Die) – a handy page to have on draft day that gives you an idea of what type of player the top prospects compare to in the NHL. This way you will know that Cam Fowler (comparable to Mike Green) has the ability to sport one hell of a mohawk, Petr Straka (Demitra) is slated to suck after he turns 30, and Quinton Howden (Bertuzzi) is tough enough to break necks. Priceless information.

Intent To Blow – The hockey world was shocked to learn that Henrik Sedin does not have a twin brother. Not so shocked, however, about reading another Kyle Wellwood likes to eat joke.

Puck Daddy + Page #2 and Pens Blog – NHL ‘History Will Be Made’ parody videos. The Ron Hextall one is my favorite.

Special thanks to the following blogs that linked here this week: Puck Daddy, Fantasy Hockey Scouts, Five For Howling, Die By The Blade, and Edmonton Journal’s Cult of Hockey.

That’s it for the first installment of Making Babies With Other Blogs Friday, tune in next week for more steamy link-on-link action.

In the meantime, you MUST follow Blades of Funny on Twitter. That’s the grounds where I practice my stand-up routine and you can read such classic stuff like this “tweet” where I poke fun at the over-dramatization of the infamous Tiger Woods zombie father commercial:

To which @mnwildtimes replied:

And I don’t want to name drop (LMFAO, YEAH RIGHT!), but Down Goes Brown is a follower.