(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

–I apologize for the lack of updates. I’ve been swamped with real life and have been unable to put much thought into the site. I’d rather wait until I’m inspired to post something unfunny, instead of just winging it.

–That being said, I’m pretty much going to wing this post and see where it goes.

"Look! No Pucks!"

–There’s no “Making Babies With Other Blogs” this week because I haven’t been reading much lately, but in lieu of it, I will share two MUST-READ posts on Chris Pronger.

First up, Down Goes Brown points out Chris Pronger’s other jerk moves. A sample:

When presented with a seven-year contract offer from the Flyers last year, immediately signed it instead of politely saying “Um, maybe you should go back and re-read the CBA”.

Second, Intent To Blow spends a day with Chris Pronger. An excerpt:

8:32 a.m. – Pronger’s day starts like most others. Bright and early, he gets up has a bowl of Cheerios (they’re heart healthy, he says), refuses to feed his cat (“He’ll figure it out”) and uses a broom handle to smack on the ceiling, abruptly waking his 48-year-old neighbor who has just fallen asleep after a 12-hour night shift as a security guard (“Who does he think he is is? King Backwards? No a**hole’s going to sleep during the day on my watch.”)

Both posts had me cracking up.

–You know who else had me cracking up this week? Chris Pronger. He’s just a funny guy and now, much like an old man in the twilight of his career, he just doesn’t give a rat’s a** anymore. Great entertainment.

–Here’s my “brush with fame” story involving Pronger: My wife and I were staying at the same hotel as the Oilers and we shared the elevator with him. We had our 1-year-old son with us and he made a goofy face at him which caused my son to laugh. It would have been a sweet story had he not kicked over the stroller once the elevator door opened up and ran out screaming that we’ve been “Prongerized”.

–Turns out the correct pronunciation of Byfuglien’s name is by-foog-lee-anne. When he was playing junior in Price George, he just went along with the play-by-play guy’s pronunciation, which is the one that stuck. I haven’t yet confirmed if the play-by-play guy is legally blind or just lazy.

The Legend of Oduya

–Paul Henderson’s jersey is up to $211,202. That’s $211,000 more than Johnny Oduya’s Team Sweden jersey. Makes you wonder which bidder is getting the better deal. Sure, the Oduya may not be historic, but at least you can wear it with style on your trip to the Nordic. The Henderson one, I’d just be paranoid that something would happen to it. Oh and let’s not forget the fact that the Oduya jersey still leaves you financial wiggle room to buy something nice for yourself. Like, say, a house.

–Speaking of deciding between two different things: In the 2006 draft, Toews went #3 to the Hawks, Backstrom went #4 to the Caps. Try to imagine what the present would look like had those picks had been reversed. Is your mind blown yet? Mine is.  How different would the Caps be with Toews? How different would the Hawks be with Backstrom? *BOOM* <— your mind just exploded!!!

–With the draft right around the corner, I had an interesting conversation with one of my friends. We looked at the 1st round picks from 1997 to 2005 (yes, we’re major dorks), and besides the 2003 draft, most 1st rounds only produce 2 or 3 bluechip stars. We’re talking about bonafide difference-makers, not serviceable or even solid NHLers. Only 3 out of 30 achieve that level.

–Another thing we uncovered: Since 1997, the Red Wings have only had 5 first round picks.

–I’d love it if CBC obtained the rights to the draft for one reason. To have Ron MacLean say something like this in the intro: “Like the great General Tuktoyaktuk said many scores ago, the Entrée Draft is a place where seasoned hockey men feast of the flesh of young souls who dream of fortune and fame.” If you read the phrase in Ron MacLean’s voice, it totally comes alive!

There is crying in baseball.

–The way the aftermath of Armando Galarraga\Jim Joyce perfect game fiasco was handled by the parties involved  is one of those moments that makes sports great.

–How crazy is that MLB has had 3* perfect games inside of a month’s time. Add to that the Flyers 3-0 comeback plus Kobe perfecting his act of imitating Jordan plus Nash looking like a UFC fighter and you have a recipe for a great month of sports.

* – Only two perfect games technically because the third one was ruined by Jim Joyce’s blown call which will go down at this generation’s Don Denkinger moment, only without the death threats (maybe).

– I think that’s it for today. Follow BoF on Twitter, it’s very zen-like lately.

(This is a guest post written by Vladimir Sharapov (Владимир Шарáпов). Vladimir works as a baseball scout in his home country of Russia, but his true passion lies in the sport of hockey. We hope that you agree with us when we say that Vladimir will add both a serious and an international opinion to the Blades of Funny community. His posts are unedited from the copies that he sends us, save for the censoring of swear words.)

HELLO BLADES OF FUNNY READER,

I write here TODAY to tell you about PROFOUND INJUSTICE done to my comrades. My expose will AWE and SHOCK you lazy North American who sit around eating cheese covered chip all day.

After watching games involving OVECHKIN vs. STUPID MONTREAL and MALKIN vs. UGLY MONTREAL. I can tell you this with no question in my mind: THE RUSSIAN SUPERSTARS WERE CHEATED IN THE PLAYOFFS.

YES IT IS TRUE. Every bone of VLADAMIR’S BODY feel truth must be told.

EVIDENCE IS CLEAR.

Montreal bad team who can not score goal on MICHAEL LEIGHTON but they defeat MALKIN AND OVECHKIN? THIS smell like more fish to VLADIMIR than the shores of SEVERDVINSK.

GOALTENDER from SLOVAKIA <Vladimir SPIT on floor> play like MIRACLE ON ICE vs. OVECHKIN and MALKIN but now he not able to stop MIDGET FRENCHMAN BRIERE and WALKING HOSPITAL PATIENT GAGNE. This no make any sense to VLADIMIR.

League do not want Cup of Stanley champion to be HANDSOME RUSSIAN MAN with flair of sabertooth tiger and instinct of killer bee. This why league conspire to ELIMINATE comrades with superior HOCKEY SKILL.

OR League afraid of CRAZY FANS in Philadelphia and Montreal so they act like chicken who do not want bones broken. I do not understand how Montreal defeat OVECHKIN and MALKIN back-to-back. IMPOSSIBLE.

Anti-RUSSIA conspiracy also effect DATSYUK and KOVALCHUK too but VLADIMIR not have evidence as clear about this like I have about Montreal. Plus DETROIT team get many breaks in previous times so it is CLEAR to VLADIMIR they not part of conspiracy.

You say to VLADIMIR: but what about NABOKOV and BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, they still in playoffs?

I write in previous post about NABOKOV how he not TRUE RUSSIAN because he too much CALIFORNIA DREAMING. About BROTHERS KOSTITSYN I choose not to talk about them. They good Russian boys and we leave it at that, OK? Good. No more question in future about BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, PLEASE.

I need to end now as I have to catch train to scout baseball tomorrow but I hope my words open eyes of hockey fans that league cheat and is anti-RUSSIAN. American Fans deprived of ability to watch best players in league because league eliminate all GREAT RUSSIANS. This make VLADIMIR’S STOMACH HURT more than water from village well.

Before I go, I answer COMMENTS AND WORDS FROM READERS FROM PREVIOUS POST…

***

Man with exotic name write comment:

I do not know what this mean. Everytime VLADIMIR visit America to scout baseball, people come up to me and say about player:

“He strong like Drago.”

“He powerful like Drago.”

“He probably juice like Drago.”

Why should Vladimir care what juice player drink? SILLY AMERICANS. I do not get your conversation. NEXT!

***

Man who work as waiter write comment:

You must spend too much time in kitchen because RUSSIAN MEN do not golf. What sort of SISSY game is golf? Walk around park, hit little ball into little hole located in middle of park. GAME IS LAZY AND STUPID FOR FAT NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

You want to know what OVECHKIN and rest of RUSSIA MEN do to relax? WE hunt the elusive LYNX in SOUTHERN SIBERIA. This is what a REAL man do, not walk around park and hit white balls with stick.

***

Finally, lovely lady write to BLADES OF FUNNY ABOUT VLADIMIR:

Maybe you invite VLADMIR to marriage in North America so VLADMIR get visa and achieve life dream of working for Blue Jays of Toronto?

What can VLADIMIR offer in return for visa? I strong like ox, fix house without problem, hunt for food, and build magnificent well in your village. If you marry VLADIMIR you become ENVY of all women in village filled with fat and lazy NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

BYE BYE FOR NOW PEOPLE IN INTERNET.

Владимир Шарáпов

Blades of Funny went  4-4  predicting the 1st round. While this is my best record to date, one can’t help but wonder what could have been. Some miracles are just too hard to predict. Like the #8 Habs upsetting the #1 Caps;  the San Jose Sharks winning a round; or Brian Boucher stopping more than 50% of shots he faces. But that is why Vegas makes billions (well, it used to anyways), while I keep having to endure bloody back alley beatings.

Here are the 2nd round predictions which I’m willing to bet the house on. Hopefully, my landlord will allow me to do so.

Boston vs. Philadelphia

This series becomes the most watched hockey event in US history, thanks largely to Scott Hartnell’s and Dan Carcillo’s off-ice antics. Their WWE-style shenanigans bring in eyeballs by the bushel. Even ESPN leads with footage of players arriving\departing the arena as that is the hotbed for Hartnel’s and Carcillo’s ambush attacks on unsuspecting Bruins. The fun cames to an end after Game 5, when a limo driven by Carcillo rus over a nervous looking Marc Savard as he leaves the arena. Carcillo receives a $2500 fine and a 1-game suspension. Savard dies from his injuries.

On the ice, fans can see that the 1st round success has gone to Brian Boucher’s head. One game, in an attempt to showoff his new-found awesomeness, he plays blindfolded. In another game, he plays with only one pad; claiming it will become the latest fashion craze called boosh-style. Despite all this, the Bruins can’t score (largely due to Mark Recchi developing arthritis midway through Game 2). The Flyers pull out a 4-2 series victory.

Montreal vs. Pittsburgh

Jaroslav Halak starts shaky and by Game 3,  Habs fans are booing him relentlessly. Jacques Martin ponders starting Carey Price in Game 4, but decides against it. The Penguins end up sweeping the series.

Stunned Montreal fans and media wonder what happened to Halak. Their questions are finally answered a few days later by the man himself. Halak is quoted, “In order to perform my best, I need to be fueled by anger. With Carey not stealing a start from me in over 5 games, I just felt too comfortable.”

Vancouver vs. Chicago

The swagger quotient in this series is so high that at one point viewers think they are watching an on-ice rendition of The Outsiders. Many wonder how two teams who have won so little (nothing) can come off as cocky as these players do .

Kevin Bieksa throws cigarette butts at ‘Hawks players between faceoffs.

Kris Versteeg sports Dolce & Gabbana shades throughout the series.

Shane O’Brien keeps a flask filled with whiskey on the bench, which many thought contributes to his violent assault on Rick Bowness in Game 4.

Patrick Kane takes up chewing tobacco and keeps spitting it at Alex Burrows.

Ryan Kesler responds to every media question about a ‘Hawks player with just the word “coward”,  he is knocked out for good in Game 5 by Andrew Ladd.

Dustin Byfuglien spends the whole series chillin’ and smokin’ from a Hookah in Luongo’s crease.

In the end, it’s the Canucks who prevail in 7 games, leading the City of Vancouver to proclaim Canucks Day as a statutory holiday in British Columbia.

Detroit vs. San Jose

Ah, yes, the series which features the team everyone is tired of seeing in the playoffs vs. the team everyone is tired of hearing about in the regular season.

This series takes a strange turn after Game 4. With the teams tied 2-2, Nicklas Lidstrom shocks the world by announcing that he has negotiated the Red Wings’ surrender. Here is an excerpt from the Q&A portion of Lidstrom’s press conference:

Reporter #1: Why would you do this?
Lidstrom: After going 7 in the first round and being tied after 4 in this one, I just felt like our team had enough of this grind. We’re not spring chickens anymore and the prospect of another long playoff run didn’t appeal to us.
Reporter #2: When did you know that this was going to happen?
Lidstrom: Me and Raffy were sitting on the bench in Game 3, we were looking at Joe Thronton out there on the ice. We saw how hard he was trying to pretend like he cared. We both kind of looked at each other, and I said to Raffy that I don’t ever want to become THAT guy.
Reporter #3: So the series is over?
Lidstrom: Well, we still have to play the games to make it official, but there will be no hitting and we’ll let the Sharks win the remaining two games.
Reporter #4: What about this clause which states Zetterberg must be credited with a hat trick in the remaining games?
Lidstrom: Oh that, yeah, we felt bad for our fans about this whole surrender thing, but giving Z the hat trick allows our fans to get free curly fries, which is like our thank you gift to them. And besides, these days they seem to get more excited over the Arby’s promo than even a Cup win.

Joe Thornton, who as one of the alternate captains was part of the contingent negotiating the deal, has this to say: “It just feels good to finally contribute something to a Sharks’ playoff victory.”

Twitter

The Blades of Funny Twitter stream made for good laughs last night. Sadly, those laughs were at me and not with me like they usually are (right?).

It all happened after I had a little too much beer in my system (one bottle). As you will see, things got real cooky real fast…

I probably should have called it quits after this tweet:

Yup, that is a Canucks hashtag in a message regarding Hal Gill.

Why, you ask?

(That’s not me in that picture, I would never wear a green bracelet.)

Then I came up with this clever tweet:

Get it? Because he won’t have to deal with the anxiety of facing Matt Cooke again. It’s like a joke based on psychology stuff. Funny, no? … Anyone? … COME ON PEOPLE @#^$!!!!

That tweet did elicit a response from my fellow tweeters:

Sooooo yeah, turns out I didn’t factor in all the angles on that one…what can you do?

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

Credit: flickr MrNews1320

–Quick question: If Martin Brodeur asked you to choose a song for his summer soundtrack, which one would you choose? I’d go with Toby Keith’s “As Good As I Once Was”. The chorus for your reference:

I ain’t as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
But there was a time back in my prime
When I could really lay it down
And if you need some love tonight
Then I might have just enough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was

And to boot, the first verse contains a sister reference, so it’s a double score! Actually, if you factor in the fact that Marty and Toby have the same body-type, it’s a triple score!

What about for Lou Lamoriello? I’d choose David Bowie’s “The Man Who Sold The World”, a wonderful melody about a man who no longer recognizes who he used to be. Some sample lyrics for your reference:

We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn’t there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

And to boot, after the Kovalchuk trade, the title itself is quite fitting as well. Although, an improvised version of another song may be even more fitting for that storyline…

Old MacDonald had a farm,
ee i ee i oh
And on that farm all he had was Mattias Tedenby
ee i ee i oh no!

These are the things I think about in my waking hours. Don’t ask me why ’cause there really is no rhyme or reason to it.

—In fairness to Brodeur, Jonathan Willis wrote a pretty good piece in defense of Marty. I tend to agree with this, although after the Olympics and last year’s meltdown, it’s hard to argue that Marty has not lost some of his mystique.

–Are the Capitals the most difficult team to get a read on in this post-season? One period, they look like world beaters. The next, they look nervous and tentative. And they’re like that against the Habs, so imagine when the competition improves. I got the same vibe from them last year.

–Martin’s decision to start Price in game 4 is one that I don’t understand; the only good that could have come out of it is if Carey stole the game, and the chances of that ever happening — against the Caps, no less (he had a 3.39 GAA/.899 SV% in 4 games vs. WSH this season) — are what? 1 in 200?

–Please excuse me while I implement a savvy marketing strategy for this blog. (Tim Tebow will be a bust, Tim Tebow will be a star, Tim Tebow is Satan, Tim Tebow is God, Time Tebow wants you to watch hockey, Tim Tebow doesn’t want you to watch hockey, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow). Done. I just doubled traffic to this blog, and increased US hockey ratings tenfold. Saaaavvy! (I love that word.)

–I keep hearing about what a savvy (oh yeah!) signing Mikael Samuelsson was. While I do agree that it turned out really well for Vancouver, I do take objection to when people say it was the best. Without doubt (in my mind so take that for what it’s worth…ie: not much), Craig Anderson was the best off-season signing.

Now, let me rephrase what I just wrote in a “brash blogger” tone:

All the idiots who think that Mikael Samuelsson was the best signing this summer should be watching equestrian events instead of hockey because they know nothing about the sport. If they had half a brain, they’d know that Craig Anderson has been much more valuable to the Avs than anyone in the history of anything. Anyone who thinks otherwise should die. I AM AWESOME!

–Speaking of a “brash blogger tone”, here is a very calm and coherent piece by a Red Wings fan who doesn’t take things personally:

Those bi$#hes can suck it.  While Lidstrom may not deserve to win the Norris this season, he deserves to be a finalist.  No fauxing doubt about it.

By not voting for Lidstrom in a higher position, the pro hockey writers prove that they don’t watch hockey at all.  They put their blind faith in something far less useful.

Stats.  The pro hockey writers use stats as a crutch to replace actually watching lots of hockey.  It is now official.  The Norris Trophy will be the equivalent of the Art Ross Trophy for defenceman

[...]

There is no way Lidstrom is only the fourth best defenceman this season.  Stats have blinded you like chronic masturbation did in your teenage years.

I have to give him props for the “chronic masturbation” line, that’s solid material right there. If anybody knows him, tell him that I said LIDSTROM SUCKS!

–Actually, please don’t tell him that. I talk a big game online, but in reality, I am easily intimidated and not much of a fighter. This guy does seem like the type who will show up at my door and stab me in the eye with a pencil…I really don’t want a pencil in my eye.

Credit: flickr Teka England

–The Norris debate has been quite heated though. Anyone who is not a Capitals fan is hating on Mike Green. Why? If I were to venture a guess, it’s his personality that turns people off rather than his on-ice play. He’s the type of person that you either like or would like to stab in the eye with a pencil. No gray area.

–When people talk about studly young defensemen, the talk centers around Doughty, Green, Keith, Myers and Weber. One name that will surely be added to that list over the next year or two is Victor Hedman. In fact, I believe he’ll be the biggest reason preventing Doughty from Lidstromizing the Norris Trophy over the next decade.

–Erik Johnson will be right up there as well. Especially if he gives up the game of golf.

–The series I have been watching the most so far is Kings-Canucks. Great end-to-end action and all-around intrigue. That being said, the Kings fell apart like a Mr. Potato Head in the 3rd period of game 4. This video pretty much sums up the series since then (for those that don’t want to click over, it’s the Rypien-Clune fight). I also have to give kudos to Luongo for his big saves in said 3rd period. I’m sure he’ll be quite happy when he reads what I just wrote.

–The series I’ve been watching the least? Chicago-Nashville. Being that it’s always a game behind the rest, it comes off like the ugly stepsister of the first round. That, or maybe because I find nobody on the Preds very interesting to watch, save for Weber and Sullivan.

–With the disastrous seasons in Edmonton and Calgary, the comical events in Toronto and Montreal, and the general success in Vancouver, one team which hasn’t been getting enough play this year is Ottawa. Maybe it’s because Ottawa is just one big traffic jam, but still, they do deserve credit for what they have done this season. Bryan Murray and Cory Clouston managed to turn the franchise around despite distractions and injuries…and let’s not forget how adorable Clouston looks behind the bench.

This concludes “Serious Thoughts”. If you’re reading this, then that means you must think I am totally awesome. Why not get bigger piece awesome by following Blades of Funny on twitter. I promise you it’ll be awesome…and saaaaavvy!

Behold… The Blades of Funny 1st round playoff predictions:

Washington vs. Montreal

In a stunning twist of events, the offices of the Canadiens organization get raided by the RCMP. The franchise is shut down and charged with siphoning Haiti Relief money in some wild money laundering scheme. This leads one Georges Laraque to chime in: “I warned you about these shady motherf#$kers back in January. Didn’t I? You just chose not to listen.” In a funny twist of fate, Washington is awarded a 4-0 series win by default, the same result had the teams actually hit the ice.

New Jersey vs. Philadelphia

After dropping the first two games by a combined score of 18-3, Flyers coach Peter Laviolette shocks the hockey world by naming a 1987 O-Pee-Chee rookie card of Ron Hextall as his starting goalie for game 3. Even though the Hextall card improves the Flyers save percentage by 100 basis points, it is still not enough to derail the Devils who win it in 6.

Buffalo vs. Boston

The Boston Bruins pull off the upset by eliminating the Sabres in 6. The most memorable part of this series, however, was the touching intermission story aired by NBC showing Bruins players visiting a local hospital. None of us will ever forget the look on Marc Savard’s face when he saw his teammates walk into the infirmary and present him with a game puck and a “keep your head up” t-shirt in Bruins colors.

Pittsburgh vs. Ottawa

With Evgeni Malkin still in a state of hibernation, Sidney Crosby is forced to carry the Penguins on his back and lead them to a 4-2 series win. He goes from hero to villain in the minds of Senators fans, who start a petition outside Scotiabank Place in hopes of convincing parliament to annex Sidney’s Canadian citizenship. Signed by 1256, the petition, sent from Kanata after the series concluded is expected to arrive in Ottawa sometime in October 2010.

San Jose vs. Colorado

Patrick Marleau, motivated by heading into free agency this summer, plays great. Dany Heatley, motivated by sticking it to the Senators, plays great. Joe Thornton, motivated by proving all his doubters wrong, plays great. Evgeni Nabokov, motivated by his Olympics failure, plays great. Still, the Sharks lose in 7 because the April curse is no joke, my friends.

Chicago vs. Nashville

The series takes a bad turn for Nashville in game 2 when a Shea Weber slap-shot ricochets off Patrick Kane’s mouthguard, careens off Steve Sillivan back (breaking it), and then strikes Patric Hornqvist in the head (putting him in a coma). Nashville cannot score another goal after that and Chicago takes the series in 5.

Vancouver vs. Los Angeles

Vancouver players, coaches, fans, and even media members look sluggish and slow as the series begins.  Turns out that an April 2010 by-law passed by city council is to blame for the sleep deprivation of many Vancouverites.  The law requires everyone within city limits to pen and post to the internet a 1000-word article detailing their argument as to why Henrik Sedin deserves the Hart Trophy. The Kings take advantage of their opposition’s sluggish play and win the series in 6. This leads Ryan Smyth to coin the cheesiest line of the first round when he proclaims: “We never had a doubty because we have Drew Doughty.”

Detroit vs. Phoenix

After a snake is thrown on the ice in Phoenix, Detroit fans feel the need to come up with something fresh and representative of their state to throw onto the ice when the series switches to Michigan. This leads to the cancellation of game 3 (and all remaining games at The Joe), after the ice is littered with unsold Ford and GM vehicles. On the bright side, Phoenix players rummage through the rubble and pay a visit to the salvage yard. They use the proceeds to finance their flight back to Arizona, where they then promptly lose the series 4-2.