Credit: GreekBoston.com

While the hockey media was busy fighting amongst themselves on Twitter, Blades of Funny decided to launch thorough investigations into some of the hockey stories that have been making headlines. What you are about to read will shock you. Sadly, however, it will not make you laugh.

Myth: In a fit of rage about his team’s play, Lou Lamoriello hurled a jar of jelly at the wall to show his players how upset he was.

Truth: A jar of jelly is Brodeur’s traditional appetizer for every post-game meal; Lou was just handing it over to Marty — sort of how a trainer hands fish to a whale — and, unfortunately but not unexpectedly, the jar went through Marty’s five-hole and exploded when it hit the wall behind him. This then led Lamoriello to mumble something under his breath about “flying projectiles”, “washed-up has-beens”, and “not a good idea”.

Myth: The Green Men who hang around the visitors’ penalty box in Vancouver are just a couple of lighthearted Canucks fans.

Truth: Secret documents have revealed to us that these “green men” are actually covert Maple Leaf operatives, sent there by Brian Burke and Dave Nonis to convince upcoming truculent UFAs to sign with the Leafs come July 1st.

Myth: Oilers management decided to fire some of their support staff in an attempt to bring new blood into the room.

Truth: They didn’t get fired, they asked to be… [hits breaks on beating a dead horse] …

They were fired as a result of the team’s new policy to mend their relationship with ultra-sensitive defenseman Sheldon Souray. Blades of Funny insiders tell us that the following events led to the demise of each employee:

• Head trainer Ken Lowe was once overheard saying that he thought Souray’s tattoos are kind of cheesy. When news of this made its way back to Souray, he cried for a week.
• Equipment manager Barry Stafford once mistakenly handed Sheldon a Horcoff stick. Souray assumed that this gesture was Stafford’s way to imply that he was overpaid. Souray cried for a week.
• Equipment manager Lyle Kulchisky run afoul with Souray when he flat-out refused to give up the nickname “Sparky”. Sheldon really wanted the moniker, and Lyle’s resistance to give it to him made Sheldon think that Lyle hated him. This caused Souray to cry for a week.

(Photo credit: bare-chested Souray comes courtesy of Hockey For The Ladies. And to answer the question on your mind right now; yes…yes, it is the hockey blog which I frequent the most.)

Myth: The NHL is bending its rules so that a big-market team like the Kings advance deep into the playoffs.

Truth: Due to compelling evidence presented to us by sources in Vancouver, we’re sad to inform you that this is, in fact, true. Fortunately, the NHL brain trust’s implementation of their plan has been as smooth and successful as most everything they touch. This leads us to assure small-market fans that they have nothing to worry about. On the other hand, fans of big-market teams are pretty much screwed.

Myth: Dion Phaneuf will be named Toronto’s captain because he exemplifies all the qualities that Leafs management is looking for in a captain.

Truth: In October, Burke was quoted saying the following when asked about what it takes to be a Maple Leafs captain:

First off, a captain’s personal life off the ice and his play on the ice must be beyond reproach.”

So yeah, we’re not quite sure what the truth really is, but we’re pretty sure it isn’t THAT.

The End.

Shocking news on the Twitter front!!! Blades of Funny now has 351 followers; 349 of whom are being kind enough to teach me how I can make money in my spare time at home. God bless the kind and generous souls who frequent the internet.

In this series, Blades of Funny pays homage to the teams that have departed us this season.

To set the mood, we recommend you play the song that inspired the title: “End Of The Line” by the Traveling Wilburys — the most underrated song in music history (that’s no hyperbole, my friend, it really is that dear to our hearts).

In this time of grief, let us now say something positive about these teams. They’ve reached the end of the line, but it doesn’t have to end there (well, technically it does).

New York Rangers

It’s all right… proving all the haters wrong, Marian Gaborik played 76 games this season.
Unfortunately… his inactivity during the final shootout of the season caused his hamstring to tighten up and as a result, well, you know.

Atlanta Thrashers

It’s all right… on the final weekend of the season, Evander Kane became THE most popular player in the NHL.
Unfortunately… because of the vast amount of free beer he consumes over the summer, come September he will be overweight…and also an alcoholic.

Carolina Hurricanes

It’s all right… at one point during the season, the team was battling the Leafs for the basement, but a decent second half propelled it to 11th in the conference.
Unfortunately… they really would have been better off in the basement since, unlike the Leafs, they still possess their draft picks.

New York Islanders

It’s all right… with the drafting of John Tavares, Islanders fans finally have a superstar that they can follow.
Unfortunately… we’re not sure how many Kansas City games are going to televised in the Long Island region in 2012.

Florida Panthers

It’s all right… at least the team dodged a bullet by not re-signing Jay Bouwmeester for huge money.
Unfortunately… star winger, David Booth, wasn’t as slick when it came to dodging bullets and now has a hole in his brain.

Toronto Maple Leafs

It’s all right… last summer, nobody thought the Leafs would be able to acquire two franchise players in such a short span, but those doubters were proven wrong.
Unfortunately… Burke traded said players to Boston.

St. Louis Blues

It’s all right… the team sanctioned golf cart driving courses paid of this year; everyone passed the course.
Unfortunately… all the Blues’ young players were so nervous about the road test that they stopped concentrating on hockey.

Calgary Flames

It’s all right… the organization is closer than ever to firing anyone with the surname “Sutter”.
Unfortunately… fans will face a few tense weeks when news breaks that a “McGuire” has sent in his resume.

Anaheim Ducks

It’s all right… at least management dodged a bullet when they realized, right before the deadline, that Vesa Toskala was on their roster.
Unfortunately… Jason Blake’s name managed  to elude them.

Dallas Stars

It’s all right… the retirement of Mike Modano and departure of Marty Turco will bring a sense of change to the team.
Unfortunately… the organization risks alienating their fan base when fans become confused as to why their team no longer deploys the heavily-padded 3rd defenseman like they have over the past nine seasons.

Edmonton Oilers

It’s all right… unlike their neighbors to the south, the Oilers will enter next season with a solid core of prospects in their organization.
Unfortunately… the rogue parking enforcement officer has already been seen running their plates through the system in anticipation.

Minnesota Wild

It’s all right… a sense of optimism and change ran rampant in the area when new management was overheard saying stuff like: “bringing in a game-changer,” and “playing an open run-n-gun style.”
Unfortunately… they were just making small talk about the Minnesota Vikings.

Columbus Blue Jackets

It’s all right… despite the rough season, the BJs still managed to make life miserable for Brian Burke by locking up Rick Nash.
Unfortunately… life was even more miserable for Blue Jackets fans as they watched Andrew Raycroft Steve Mason regress.

Not following along on twitter? Can’t say that I blame you.

Credit: AvenueCalgary.com

One of the most perplexing hockey-related stories that we’ve ever encountered occurred this past week. No, we are not talking about the Sharks winning a playoff game. We’re talking about the news that Dion Phaneuf will be named the Leafs’ next captain.

After staring dumbfounded at our computer screen and scratching our heads for 72 straight hours, we hit the ground running to try to find an explanation for all this.

In hopes of getting answers, Blades of Funny brought together a vast array of hockey minds for a town hall-style meeting. We hoped that this type of atmosphere would facilitate a discussion that could help us get closer to answering the following question:

“Why in the world does anyone think Dion Phaneuf will make a good captain?”

Join us now as we share with you some excerpts of what was said…

The Dion Phaneuf Town Hall Meeting

“Dion is a free-thinker who does things his way. He has developed a tendency to tune out his coach, which at this point may not be such a bad thing.” – Ron Wilson

“I think he is an inspiration to his teammates. He makes them believe that they can achieve any of their goals like, say, dating a hot celebrity.” – Mike Fisher

“Wait a minute, I think I’m in the wrong place. This doesn’t sound like my ‘Signs that Alexandre Burrows is the second coming of the Antichrist’ study group.” – Ron MacLean

“WE’RE IN HERE, RON!” – Stephane Auger’s voice coming from an adjoining room.

“Phaneuf? Cool name. Great name for a hitter. FAN-UFFFF! That will play great in Toronto. Great fu$#ing name!” – Rob Ramage

“Ditto on the name.”- Garth Butcher

“I no can lie, eet ees justa great fu#%ing name.” – Luca Caputi

“He’ll do fine as captain, and if not, at least we didn’t give up a boatload of draft picks to acquire him, so how bad can it really turn out?” – Phil Kessel

“Good point, Phil. I think people are missing the fact that Toronto didn’t give up much for Dion. This should help ease the pressure that’s on him.  Imagine if they gave up a 1st round pick which later turned out to be a franchise player.  That would just mess him up.” – Tom Kurvers

“Listen guys, he’ll be a good [giggle] captain [giggle] because he doesn’t mind [giggle], eh, I better not.” – Sean Avery

“Dion a captain??? LMFAO!!!! Thanks for that! I needed a pick-me-up.” – Jarome Iginla

“I said what I said before because I know what it’s like to be looked up to by teammates. I’m engaged to Carrie Underwood. You guys know that, right? Here’s a photo of the two of us…” – Mike Fisher

“I for one believe that the naming of Dion as team captain will be great for team morale.” – Mark Messier (circa: 1997)

“When talking about Dion, one can’t overlook the fact that his cap hit is very reasonable. By my calculations he should be making somewhere around $85 million per season.” – Jeff Finger

“His bone-crushing hits are sure to lead the Leafs to the top of the standings… in the preseason. EAT IT, DION!!!” – Kyle Okposo

“Dion is the greatest thing since sliced bread. We are never wrong about this sort of thing, and we certainly are never prone to hyperbole.” – A Representative of the Toronto Media

“There’s something to be said for his style. The in-season acquisition of Phaneuf brought excitement and optimism to an otherwise mediocre team. When was the last time you saw that happen in Toronto?” – Owen Nolan

“At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that he’s our man and he’ll do fine. Besides, it’s not like we can draft a captain anytime soon, right?” – Phil Kessel

“You know who’d be a better captain? Sidney Crosby, that’s who. Sid was this close to being a Duck. I tell him that every time I see him. Ain’t that right, Sid?” – Brian Burke

“Mr. Burke why did you follow me here? This is an invite-only event. Please Mr. Burke, please stop following me around.” – Sidney Crosby.

“This close to being a Duck, Sid. You were this close.” – Brian Burke (who then proceeded to exit the room backwards, strutting like a duck, and quacking — all the while keeping eye contact with a terrified Sidney Crosby)

“You know who’d make an even better captain? Jay Bouwmeester. Call me. For the love of God, call me!” – Darryl Sutter

“…and here’s the two of us at the Grammys.” – Mike Fisher

Conclusion

Sadly, we were more confused after the meeting than we were before it. So we did what we always do when faced with such a grand dilemma — we asked our online buddy Derek, who has a knack for these things, to give us a simple layman’s explanation. He sent in the following prose:

When I was 20, there was this kid on our block named James.

James had no game when it came to girls. No matter how hard he tried, he could never “score”.

I spent a year trying to help James out. No dice. He was so pathetic that it was comical. You couldn’t look away as you watched him fail again, and again, and again.

Then, by some miracle, James hooked up with this gorgeous woman. I mean, she looked smokin’ hot — long blond hair, amazing pouty lips, and a chest that would make Scarlett Johansson blush.

Her name was Anita.

She turned out be a transsexual.

James didn’t care.

After so many years of ineptitude and failure, James was just happy to finally have someone pretty on his arm.

He convinced himself that she was right for him. He flaunted her to his friends.

We all knew that she was being misrepresented, but none of us had the heart to call him out on it. We were just happy that he was happy.

Don’t know what James is doing now, last I heard he started some hockey blog called Blades of… [edited: this information isn't really relevant to the story].

Conclusion: James = Maple Leafs; Anita = Dion Phaneuf.

Let’s just be happy for them.  I personally think it’s kind of cute.

And that, my friends, is why Derek is Derek.

Now that I’ve solved the Phaneuf puzzle, you can show your gratitude by doing the following: you can become my friend on twitter; you can subscribe to my RSS feed; or you can leave a comment. I noticed that most of you are shy and choose to lurk in the background, but feel free to leave a comment, I won’t bite , unless you want me to! — I apologize for that played out joke, it really was unnecessary, and if it’s any consolation, I do feel shame.

Credit: TotalPhoto.ca

With the regular season near its end, the NHL community is on pins and needles eagerly awaiting the start of the playoffs Brian Burke’s state of the union address to Leafs Nation.

This annual press conference has already surpassed Easter as the most anticipated April tradition in Toronto and we can only imagine it will become even grander in scale over the next decade.

Through some janitorial sources working deep inside the bowels of MLSE, we here at Blades of Funny have managed to get our hands on a rough first-draft of Burke’s speech.

Keep in mind that this is a very raw copy that has yet to be revised by a group lawyers sitting in front of Harold Ballard’s tomb. (Just saying that things may be changed around by the time Burkie takes the podium).

For the sake of everyone involved — we don’t want to see anyone lose their job over this — please keep this on the down low.

Dear Maple Leafs Nation,

Before I start I want it to be perfectly clear that what I am about to say is to the fans and not to the media. I do not care one iota if the media is in this room listening to me or not. This is about the fans and not the media. I could care less about the media and what they think. Are we clear? Okay then.

//fix tie

Oh and before I forget, for those of you in the media that would like the schedule 1-on-1 interviews after this presser, I am available for those anytime from today until the season starts. Now let me say what I came here to say.

//take sip of water

I stand before you today on this somber day which represents failure. I am not happy. My teams have made the playoffs 7 years in a row, not counting this one and the one prior.

//angry glare

My butt is burning and I feel like I have been kicked in the groin for two long years. I cannot stress enough how messed up below the belt I am right now.

//look of digust

Listen, I take this very professionally personal (what?) so I’m sorry if I’m not more cheerful about the news that broke today about Jonas Gustavsson going 8 days in a row without a heart attack.

//death stare into camera

I want to let you know right now that losing will not be tolerated and that we will make the playoffs next season.

//angry glare

I am now going to share with you my to-do-list for the off-season which will serve as a blueprint for our future success here in Toronto.

//take sip of water

1. The word “truculence” shall be eliminated from our vocabulary until we bump our penalty killing success rate above 75%. If we get over that hump, mark my words,  heads will roll.
2. All players on our roster who do not have a no-trade-clause will be sternly warned that if they do not perform above and beyond the call of duty they will be shipped off to Alberta. And, unlike last summer’s warning, I don’t mean Calgary this time around.
3. The money we are saving by not having any junior scouts on the payroll will be used to hire professional technicians who will scan our dressing room for mold, lead, asbestos, and any other foreign chemical that may be present. With this we’re hoping to get an explanation as to why an individual’s hockey sense/skill becomes impeded when he puts on a Maple Leafs jersey. We will also hire a team of scientists to analyze Lee Stempniak’s discarded garbage outside his Phoenix home to see how it differs chemically from the garbage he left on the ice at the ACC during his time in Toronto.
4. We will do our best to make trades that benefit our hockey team. Look, I have it on good authority that a team on the west coast, I do not want to get into specifics but let’s just say that they play in a city that starts with the letter “V”, is keen on trading away some very good players. Again, I do not want to mention names because that would be very unprofessional and that’s not how I do things. Let’s just say that a set of twins are going to be hitting the market this summer, and let’s leave it at that. Oh and a player who played for me on Team USA is also being shopped around by this team’s GM. Sorry guys, that’s all I can say for now. Sorry for being so vague but I take acting like a professional very seriously.
5. We fully expect Nazem Kadri to make our team next season. Because of this we will be working hard all summer to acclimate Phil Kessel to the possibility that he may have a teammate who will be helping him put the puck in the opposing team’s net. This will be a slow processs as it will be in stark contrast to what he experienced this season.
6. I am going to call up Darryl Sutter and ask about Jarome Iginla. I will let him know that I have more where that came from if he’s game.
7. I am also going to make my annual  phone call to Kevin Lowe where this year I will laugh for 4 minutes and 25 seconds, call him a scoundrel,  and hang-up. I will then enjoy 26 seconds of bliss and savor the moment with a grinch-like smile. 27 seconds after hanging up I will return to normal.
8. With Tomas Kaberle no longer having his no-trade-clause in his back pocket, I will be able to entertain offers for him for the first time during my tenure here in Toronto. I have never even gauged the interest around the league for him because I respect the NTC but I imagine there will be many strong offers presented to me by other GMs. He is an elite-level defenceman who put up 43 points in our first 56 games. I do not have his numbers after 56 games with me but I’m sure those are not important when we are talking about an elite-level defenceman like Tomas. This type of elite-level defenceman does not come up on the market often. When was the last time you saw an elite-level defenceman like Kaberle on the trading block? I have never seen it myself so that speaks volumes about what an elite-level defenceman Tomas Kaberele is.
9. Dion Phaneuf will be asked to cut down the number of days he spends frolicking around on exotic beaches. With any luck we should be able to get him down to under 200 days per year, which will be vast improvement on the 345 days he spent lounging around in 2009. This will hopefully allow Dion enough time to attend practice and other team building functions.
10. And last but not least, the first thing I plan to do after leaving here today is look through my dictionary to find a couple new words that will serve both as a motto for the 2010-11 Maple Leafs and a catch-phrase that I will build the team around.

//death stare into camera

I hope I have made myself clear as to what the future holds for this hockey team.

//take off suit

I want to stress that losing will not be tolerated. I do not enjoy kicks to the groin nor a burning sensation in my butt.

//roll up sleeves

We are the Toronto Maple Leafs.

//fix tie

Mark my words, we will make the playoffs next season.

//death stare into camera

If you enjoyed this post then please follow me on twitter. Twitter followers are like currency for the new generation which works out well for everyone involved except for those of us that need food and shelter in order to survive. Can’t eat a tweet, right?… or can you?… nope, no you can’t. Now if you will please excuse me while I, on a totally unrelated matter,  call my dentist.