"Fools! Blades will never do what he promises to do."

Everywhere I go, people come up to me and say, “Blades, you have over 1000 followers on Twitter, which in this day and age is equivalent to being a nobleman of social media, yet you blog at a frequency that matches that of Oiler victories. How can this be so?”

To them I answer, “My friends, it is true that I am vastly better than those who do not possess 1000 followers, but I do not hold the answers you seek.”

They interrupt me as I’m dining at the finest establishments (like Chi Chong’s All You Cat Eat Buffet, Chip’s Discount Chops And Tune-Ups or whichever place is doing catering for the Minnesota Vikings that week) and they say to me, “Blades, you seem to tweet more about football than hockey. Since it was your hockey writing that brought you such great fame and fortune, how can this be so?”

To them I answer, “My friends, rest assured I do not discount making $0.48 in extra spending money from The Google, but I do not hold the answers you seek.”

Women throw themselves at me and beg, “Blades, will you bestow a great honor upon me and impregnate me with your seed so my that offspring will be blessed with the great gene of nonsense.”

I answer these fair lasses by saying, “My lady, I’m flattered but sad to say that my wife took my impregnating organs away from me many moons ago. If you seek sperm such as mine, go forth and find a hip hop concert.”

So why am I telling you this? It’s because delusion breeds delicious results (unless you’re running the Calgary Flames) and I’m here to make a proclamation.

A proclamation so important that after it’s proclaimed, life shall never be the same (sort of like when the Devils proclaimed they’re going to sign llya to a 15-year contract — but hopefully with better results). Oh yes, once this makes its way outside of the basement from which I do my blogging and finds itself disseminated into the public domain via the 6.5 readers who read the blog (one is a midget), life will forever change.

So what is it, you ask?

Are the rumors true that I’ve been hired as the official blogger for the New York Islanders?

While nothing would please me more than to work for a fine corporation like the Islanders and their almost godly like GM, *wink*, this is not the news I bring you today.

The news I bring… wait a sec, let me make this perfectly clear to whomever is reading this: I think it would be really neat to blog about the finest hockey team ever assembled and bestow praise after praise upon the Islanders for I have never ever seen them do anything dumb or play a bad game of hockey. (Call me, Garth! I do need money!).

Alright, sorry about that…

The proclamation I bring to you today is a promise.

A promise?

Yes, a promise.

A promise that for the week of November 22nd, I will blog EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WEEK. Yes, there will be 5 new posts next week. One each day. After that, we’ll see how things shape up.

Let’s pause for a few minutes so you can take this in and truly grasp the magnitude of what I just laid down, I’ll go change my socks…

…

…

…

Back, the ones without holes feel so much better on my feet.

Now, I realize that my track record of making promises on here has been kind of sketchy — lest we forget the season preview rankings fiasco — but I will go to great lengths to make this true.

For now, I’m off to spend the weekend researching paralegal databases in order to break stories of nepotism and old grudges. Until then, I leave you with the words of a very wise man…

Follow along on Twitter…

Recently, I sent out a text message to various NHLers and asked them what makes them sad. Here’s what came back:

Sidney had some alpha male issues he was dealing with…

Ryan Miller’s text gave us a better understanding of why he was so passionate about the Hjalmarsson hit…

Patrick Kane came across like he’s calling out for help…

Nikolai Khabibulin also has his own demons he’s dealing with and doesn’t know why the league won’t help him…

In order to come to grips with why he’s still in Calgary, Iginla played the race card…

Race was also was an issue in the text sent back by Wayne Simmonds…

Chris Pronger is still dealing with the hurt he experienced from a misunderstanding that occurred last spring…

James Wisniewski also doesn’t understand why people have turned on him for something he considered as an innocent act…

Ondrej Pavelec voiced  his frustration of playing on a crappy team…

And finally, even though he wasn’t on the list of recipients of my original text, Tampa Bay backup goaltender Dan Ellis chimed in on the subject…

***

Don’t forget to follow Blades of Funny on Twitter. We’re almost at 1000 followers!

"For He cared about the souls of a cold cold climate so much, He sent his only son to comfort them."

It’s written in my hockey blogger contract that I have to make a post within 24 hours of the ending of the last game of the first day of the NHL season. Yes, it’s confusing and it took me hours rereading the sentence to actually figure out what it meant.

So here we go. Rapid fire nonsense…

–OMG!!! Did you watch the Oilers? Stanley Cup champs within 4 months! (yes, 4 months).

But seriously, they put on quite the entertaining show in the opener. Hall was fun to watch. Eberle settled down as the game progressed and showed his skills. Paarvi looked the most nervous of the three but flashed his speed on a few occasions. Looking forward to their next game.

That said, I very much doubt they’ll be able to sustain that hustle and enthusiasm all year. Khabibulin also stood on his head. Not sure that’s sustainable either.

–Another thing that caught my eye was how lean Dustin Penner was. Not to sound gay or anything, but DAMN HE LOOKS LIKE HE WAS WORKING OUT ALL SUMMER!!!

–Okay, probably should have avoided the use of caps if I didn’t want it to sound gay. Better rectify it quick…

Just when you thought the Flames were embarrassed enough in Game #1...

–Steve MacIntyre’s KO of Ivanans was F*#KING AWESOME! There’s nothing better when two strong guys hook up and one gets beat… oh crap.

–How about them Leafs? Let it be known that I had them making the playoffs before the season started! Let it be known, dammit!

–Have you noticed how cars these days all look the same? I was sitting in my vehicle today, parked in strip mall parking lot (for the record, I wasn’t casing the place, just waiting for the wife and kids who were at the doctor) and every car looked the same.

Toyotas,  Hyundais, Chevys, some Hondas and a Bimmer mixed in. Besides the car type, the differences between vehicles are negligible these days (ie: all compacts look the same, all sedans look the same).

I grew up in the 90′s and cars seemed to be more interesting. Is it just me or do you notice this too?

–For the record, I drive an ’04 Navigator which rapes me at the pumps and pollutes the environment *evil laugh*. Not sure if this makes me a rebel or just stupid. But I will say that after driving a big vehicle like that, Navigator Blades hurls homophobic insults through a time machine at Sports Car Blades.

–Funniest thing I heard this week on sports talk radio was a caller who called in to Stephen A. Smith’s show and dropped the following line about the names featured in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers backfield:

They got a Graham, a Blount and a Cadillac. They’re rolling in style.

I’m mature beyond my years, eh?

After reading my Penner comment, Favre sent me this photo of himself.

–That’s all for today. I’m 10 followers away from 1000 on Twitter! When I reach that number, I’m sending every follower Brett Favre inspired photos of myself. You’ve been warned!

There’s also the RSS feed which you can grab here and add it to your reader. There’s over a 100 people who read the blog this way. I call RSS readers the lazy a%#holes of the internet. They just want everything delivered to them at their convince. I should now because I’m one of them.

"I'm so pretty that even Michael Landsberg wants to look like me."

For the past five months, I’ve been working really hard to assemble this feature, so please respect these rankings like Brian Burke respects a no-trade-clause.

Three quick points I want to make before getting into it…

1. I managed to interview Steve Yzerman and get his input, thus adding instant credibility to the rankings!
2. Drake was also selected to help me because: 1) he’s Canadian and sounds\acts like he took his fair share of Evander Kane-like right hooks, so you know he knows the game; 2) he’s really popular with the younger generation and also friends with LeBron James, which means he must be like a super cool guy.
3. These are, simply put, the best rankings ever created. Other “experts” don’t know what they are talking about unless they copy these rankings word for word.

#30 – New York Islanders

Biggest offseason story: The one where TSN’s Darren Dreger was made to look dumb.
Best case: Matt Moulson proves he’s not 100% dependent on Tavares, only 95%.
Worst case: Tavares gets injured causing Moulson to get sent to the AHL and Rob Schremp becomes the go-to-guy on offense.
Why they’re #30: When one of your goalies is 41 years old and the other one has a body of a 93-year-old, it makes it hard to put you in at #29.
Steve Yzerman says: “Blades, suck my c*ck, you c*ck sucking a**hole!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Islanders:

Bout to roll me a blunt with my list of regrets
burn it all, burn it all, I’m starting fresh
cause half the time I got it right, I probably guessed

Final verdict: They’ll play as good as they look on paper.

#29 – Florida Panthers

"We can play spin the bottle while we wait for David Booth to get removed from the ice."

Biggest offseason story: Made the mistake of thinking their acquisition of the Big 3 (Michael Grabner, Steve Bernier, Dennis Wideman) wouldn’t get overshadowed in the Miami sports world. When it was, they hastily hired someone to do their marketing; a 15-year-old kid from Iowa, who they met while playing NHL 10 on xBox Live.
Best case: Michael Grabner has a breakout year and finishes the season with 30 goals, 20 assists and only a minus-25.
Worst case: Panther fans start thinking how different things would be if they had someone like Rob Schremp on their team.
Why they’re #29: Because they’re always #29.
Steve Yzerman says: “Hey, Blades. How many f*ucking Stanley Cups have you won, a**hole?”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Panthers:

Look at where I landed
You would think I planned it
I’m just doin’ me and you could never understand it

Final verdict: Vokoun and their defensemen will make them better than the Isles, which is, um, awesome, I guess.

#28 – Anaheim Ducks

Biggest offseason story: Played a very fun game of “let’s piss off our 23-year-old two-time 30-goal scorer” all summer long.
Best case: They end up with a top-5 pick in the 2011 draft, who should compliment their top-5 pick from the 2010 draft, Cam Fowler.
Worst case: Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf realize they’re underpaid, form their own union, and go on strike.
Why they’re #28: After Getzlaf, Perry and Ryan (possibly), you have a team which consists of too many players who are either aging or injury-prone or castoff journeymen. Or in the case of Andy Sutton, all three.
Steve Yzerman says: “What’s that, Blades? You’ve won ZERO Stanley Cups? Sh*t, with the way you flap your gums, I would have thought that number would have been much higher.”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Ducks:

Emotions in this game run deep
done a lot of sh*t they never get to do
so before they say this to me in my sleep
I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure
reppin’ to my last second, dude

Final verdict: Not even Scott Niedermayer returning in the middle of the season can save this team.

#27 – Edmonton Oilers

"In Soviet Russia, car drive drunk."

Biggest offseason story: Found out what the rest of us already know: it’s hard working with a drunken Russian.
Best case: If they keep signing enough goalies, eventually one may go on a run like Michael Leighton did in May… which will be an awesome two weeks for Oilers fans.
Worst case: Amidst a 20-game losing streak, the team launches a workplace sexual harassment investigation, where they learn that Khabibulin has been sneaking vodka into the dressing room and corrupting the youngsters.
Why they’re #27: Because I like to be different from every other site who will have them at #30.
Steve Yzerman says: “Classy, man, making fun of alcoholism and Russians. You’re a bi*ch, Blades!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Oilers:

man, they treat me like a legend
am I really this cold?
I’m really too young to be feeling this old
it’s about time you admit it, who you kidding, man
nobody’s ever done it like I did (ugh)

Final verdict: While it looks like it’ll be another long year in Edmonton, I can see this team climbing a bit higher in the rankings. Either way, Edmonton fans can take solace in that someone other than the Grim Reaper finally got to benefit from Dany Heatley’s douchiness.

#26 – Minnesota Wild

Biggest offseason story: The huge-dollar contract extension given to Mikko Koivu sparked a spirited debate between diehard Minnesota Wild fans and those who actually have a brain.
Best case: Given that he’s such an amazing defensive center, there’s a good chance that Koivu’s negative +/- rating last season was a one-off. If he gets back in black and posts 70+ points again, he’ll only be slightly overpaid.
Worst case: *yawn*
Why they’re #26: I’m not 100% sure, but I think I’d rather take the Leafs’ forwards over their Wild’s, which means I may be a little generous with this ranking.
Steve Yzerman says: “You sh*thead! The Dan Snyder reference in the last ranking was absolutely tasteless. If I ever see you in person, I swear to God… ARGH! F*CK!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Wild:

look
uhh
this is me
still the same
they want the hits
I play the game
no auto tune, but you can feel the Pain
it all comes spilling out like I hit a vein

Final verdict: The only time you should concern yourself with the Wild this year is if you have trouble falling asleep. Think of them as a cheaper alternative to an Ambien prescription.

This concludes the first part of the season preview. Stay tuned for ranks #25 to #21 which will be posted sometime soon (hopefully before October). In the meantime, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter ’cause I’m *this* close to living out of my childhood dream of having 1000 followers. Granted, I always envisioned having to start a cult to get to that number; never imaged a hockey blog would do the trick.

Okay, maybe summer ain't that bad, after all.

It’s the end of July. We’ve officially reached the period where I’m ready for summer to end.

I’m not a summer guy. I don’t like excessive amounts of heat. I’m a fall/winter guy. I like rain and snow –  it’s calm and peaceful.

But here we are.

A month and a half to go until each team’s fan base anoints a preseason standout as their team’s next big thing. Optimism will run rampant. Bets will be made on how many records he’ll shatter.

In a related note, we’re two and a half months away from each one of those preseason studs plying their traits in the AHL or CHL, much to the dismay of local fans who’ve already purchased their jerseys.

But for now, there’s nothing to write about…

–I could write about Maxime Talbot calling Ovechkin “a real douche.” But what sort of analysis could I add to a statement that was based on truth?

–I guess I could write about the recent signings.

–Alexei Ponikarovsky signed with the Kings for $3.2m. Alexander Frolov signed with the Rangers for $3.0m. Both contracts seem about right. Both players will drive fans of their new teams crazy. And both will take their talents to Avangard Omsk in 2011. So, yeah.

–Mason Raymond and Matt Moulson both avoided arbitration and signed ~$2.5m deals with their respective teams, proving once again that one good season in the NHL is the real-life equivalent to winning the lottery.

–One little side note on the Mason Raymond signing: A radio sports show host in Vancouver — and I stress “host” (not “caller”) — said he was initially fearful that the upper-end of Raymond’s contract would be $4.0-$4.5m. Yes, some things are better kept to oneself.

–Andrew Ladd signed for $2.35m, which is damn good for the team. Maybe Ladd should hire a new agent ’cause I’m pretty sure I’d be able to get him more.

–Fabian Brunnstrom re-signed with the Stars for $625k. I’m shocked he has yet to live up to the hype which surrounded him upon his arrival in North America. I mean, most 23-year-old guys who play beer-league hockey in Europe (take that Swedish Elite League!) usually become difference makers when they cross the pond, no?

–That’s pretty much it for the signings that caught my eye (sorry, Mr. Fleschmann and Mr. Perron).

–Hmm, what else can I write about?

–Did you guys hear that the word out of DC is that 2009 1st rounder (24th overall) Marcus Johansson may be the Caps’ answer to fill their 2C void. Here’s a Washington Post article hyping him up a bit. Yes, you’re right, there’s a little too many Nicklas Backstrom comparisons for my liking in that article. Mind you, if he does take the 2C spot, I imagine he’ll be an upgrade over old-man Morrison.

–I’m sure you know at least three people who are going to call the Thrashers the”Atlanta Hawks” this season, and they’ll find it utterly hilarious. A better nickname, however, would be “Chitlanta.” Read it aloud. Okay, on second thought, it’s not much better.

My editor in Angola.

–If you haven’t heard, Down Goes Brown has joined the National Post. In a related story, I’m putting the finishing touches on my contract to become the “hockey insider” for a national paper in Angola. All I have to do is convince them the sport actually exists.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. Water not get hard. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”

–I got a kick out of reading some of the articles on Puck Daddy this week which involved quotes from Russian hockey guys.

There’s this one which includes an interview with Frolov’s agent. Take it away, Sergei Isakov…

The Kings started slow negotiations with Frolov again. I think that Los Angeles is actually concentrating on signing Kovalchuk. [...]  And it was so happening that Frolov’s future in Los Angeles depended on someone else. And it wasn’t nice.

Read the last sentence in Borat voice.

Don’t you know how people are treated in the NHL? If a player has a year left on his contract it is necessary to spoil his season in order not to sign him for big money. That’s what happened with Frolov.

Conspiracy!

Moreover, right now Frolov is almost in New York. He left from one major US city to another, now in the East. It’s a huge city with a lot of temptations.

“Huge city with a lot of tempations?” Lol, was that really necessary to say?

Then there’s this article with quotes from KHL’s President. Take it away, Alexander Medvedev…

I would like to congratulate all hockey fans, especially from St. Petersburg. One of our most renowned and titled defensemen Denis Grebeshkov is coming back to Russia.

Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

He is doing it at the best age for a player – in October he will be 27 years old.

With Grebeshkov’s arrival, the average age of a KHLer now drops to 38.4.

The greatest ever?

The contract is for two years on standard terms. It shows once again that modern hockey players clearly understand why this contract structure is in effect this year. There were no objections from Grebeshkov as to why the contract is a ‘70-30′

Sounds to me like some other free agents didn’t quite like the “70-30″ contract structure and this Medvedev’s way of telling them that they’re not “modern hockey players.” Well played.

I know that Grebeshkov wanted to continue his career in the NHL. And I think that Edmonton made a big mistake by sending to Nashville such a defenseman.

Harsh. Not only are the Oilers having to put up with crap from Souray and Ethan Moreau, they’re also getting trash-talked by the President of the KHL. Damn.

Maybe Denis didn’t have a good season due to an injury. But he fully recovered and he didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs, just like the rest of the Predators. Although we remember that Nashville was only in one round of the playoffs.”

“Didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs.” Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

Then there’s Medvedev’s pandering to Kovalchuk…

He told Pavel Lysenkov of Sovetsky Sport that SKA St. Petersburg of KHL “easily offer Ilya Kovalchuk a contract for the same 17 years like New Jersey … If Kovalchuk likes number 17 that much.”

Kovalchuk comes off like he’s a preschooler who really, really just wants stuff that matches up with his favorite number. I’m guessing his 2nd favorite number is 102,000,000.

And then there’s a required shot at the NHL…

I haven’t spoken with him myself. I don’t want to make his difficult situation any worse. Instead of taking a rest and training, Kovalchuk has to get ready for a court hearing. And these cases, as we know, are unpredictable. There were a lot of instances when players chose to find a peaceful solution with clubs right before hearings.

Going by this quote, it sounds like Medvedev has confused “RFA salary” arbitration with “is the contract legal?” arbitration. Unless I’m missing something and Kovalchuk does have to prove he’s worth $102m going forward. If that’s the case, it is a difficult situation for him to be in, especially when you consider he’s not resting or training.

–So yeah, not much to write about in the middle of summer. Maybe I’ll just talk about my Twitter account which has over 870 followers.

–Rumor has it that Alexander Medvedev is a follower. That would why I’m getting tweets like this sent to me: “Mr. Funny Blades, please make joke about Oilers for moving Great Grebeshkov away. HAHAHA”

–I hope you’re all enjoying your summer. I’ve packed up my DVD player and a couple discs which have hockey games on them, and I’m off to Angola to prove the sport does in fact exist.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. This thing called electricity not real and devil machine you bring me with discs not work. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”