Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

Just like your favorite musicians, NHL GMs also have peculiar requests when setting up shop abroad. Take a look at some of the items that  general managers have requested for the upcoming NHL draft:

Boston Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli requested that his table be stocked with gifts that he can hand over to Brian Burke every 15 minutes on Friday…

George McPhee hopes that the custom-made milk cartons he requested will help aid in his search for a Russian who went missing in April…

Steve Tambellini was pressured by the city to bring thousands of these Edmonton Tourism pamphlets to distribute around the arena, since Friday will be the first time in 20 years that Edmonton actually matters…

Blackhawks GM Stan Bowman requested an eye-catching banner which he plans to park a bunch of his players under in hopes of enticing other GMs…

Since May, Canucks GM Mike Gillis won’t go anywhere without his dart board, so naturally this was his only request…

With lots of time to kill on Friday, Brian Burke requested his table be stocked with something that he can use to keep himself busy, and still make himself the center of attention…

Panthers GM Dale Tallon requested the services of the Travelocity gnome for his table. We believe he needs assistance to coordinate the massive exodus of dead weight out of Florida…

Lou Lamoriello requested a table up front and a case of projectiles which he can throw on stage whenever another team drafts a player he wanted…

Looks like Calgary Flames fans doctored their team’s rider with the hopes of giving Darryl Sutter something productive to do during the first round, rather than him using that time to make “schrewd” Darryl Sutter moves…

Finally, on the heels of trading Halak and giving Plekanec a 6 year term at $5 million per, it’s little wonder that the Montreal Canadiens requested what they requested…

More Blades of Funny available on Twitter. 657 followers can’t be wrong (even if half are marketers of enlargement pills).

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

–Congratulations to the Blackhawks on winning the Cup. Just goes to show that if you suck for a decade, get some high picks, steal a few players via trade, and then sign some role players into the mix, you can achieve success. Basically the exact opposite approach that the Leafs have employed (besides the suck for a decade thing).

–I was too young to watch the Oilers win their first Cup but I imagine that the Hawks are the closest thing we’ve seen to that Oilers team of the 80′s. An Oilers-lite version, if you will. If not for the salary cap, they could very well become a dynasty. But with the cap, that’s not likely. I can certainly see them winning another Cup or two in the next 6 years but no way can they capture 4 over that span.

–The bonuses that carry over to next year are just a killer. Obviously, Huet will be parked in the AHL, but then what?

The names that are bandied about are Sharp, Versteeg and Byfuglien. If I had to choose one of those three to move, it would definitely be Big Buff. There is no better time to move him than right now, when his stock is at an all-time high. (Plus he becomes RFA next season, and with Seabrook also up, next summer can become messy too.)

I’d have a hard time getting rid of  Versteeg or Sharp. They’re the guys that give Chicago that killer depth that’s been such a key to the way they play the game.

–But humor me for a second: Is Brian Campbell untradeable?  I wouldn’t be surprised if some team takes the bait and snags him. After all, the Rangers managed to unload Gomez last year.

–The reason I think Campbell is tradeable is because of Tomas Kaberle. I’m shocked at what some people (Brian Burke included) think that Kaberle can fetch. Granted there are some major differences contract-wise but a team would basically have to give up nothing to acquire Campbell — I would think anyway.

And yeah, I think Kaberle is over-hyped but he does have fair contract. If Campbell was a $5m cap hit, that would make a world of difference. But then you’d have to give up assets in return. It’s all a give and take, right?

–I was asked by Matt to participate in his 2010 Year End Blogger Style Awards. When my votes are revealed, I hope you take the time to laugh at me and call me an idiot. Thanks.

–Hockey never sleeps. The next month will be as action-packed as any in the hockey world. I myself can’t wait for July 1st when people laugh and jeer a GM for the moves he makes, only to have to bite their tongue when his team miraculously makes the Conference Finals as an 8th seed.

–But you got to love July 1st. A select group of NHLers become big fish in a small pond and get to reap the rewards. What other time of the year can Dan Hamhuis and Anton Volchenkov bring out the “OMG!! WE F**KING SIGNED HIM. I’M SO HAPPY!!!” in fans?

Granted, 6 months later those screams will turn into: “OMG!! WHY THE F**K DID WE PAY HIM THAT MUCH? HE SUCKS!!!”

–You know who is approaching a Bettman-level of being pompous and condescending? Ron MacLean. It’s scary to see how fast that disease is progressing in him. OSHL coined the phrase The Importance of Being Ron MacLean(c), I’d really like to see it catch on.

–That was really mean. I feel like I’m becoming a real blogger now!

–The playoffs this year were awesome. So many entertaining stories and so many great moments. Can’t ask for more, besides maybe a better montage song.

–That’s it for today. Don’t forget to follow BoF on Twitter. I’m in full-scale World Cup mode. If you’re wondering what my team is, it’s Argentina, and has been since I watched my first World Cup as a kid. My wife is from Brazil so that makes for an entertaining period in our household. I’m really stoked to see Diego Maradona roaming the sidelines tomorrow. That in itself should be entertaining.

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Let me start off by sharing my pick for the Finals. I’ve spent the past few days stressed out ’cause of this pick. This is because I’ve gone 7-7 with my predictions this postseason and everything (including the reputation of Blades of Funny as the world’s most credible source for hockey information) rides on not falling below .500.

I’ve wrestled back and forth for hours, it was quite gay actually, but I finally settled on the Blackhawks in 7.

I look at it like this:

1. The goaltending is a draw (one thing I learned in these playoffs is that making funny of Philly netminding just comes back to make me look more foolish every time).
2. The defensemen are a draw (even though I’d take Seabrook-Ketih over any tandem in the league, Chris Pronger is a bastard who can be a difference maker).
3. The forwards are a draw (both teams are stacked).
4. The coaching is a draw (both coaches have done a solid job for their teams; if Philly wins the new trend in hockey may be to fire your coach mid-season if you want to win the Cup).
5. Even the anthem singing is a draw.

I’m giving it to Chicago because I don’t want Carcillo to have the Stanley Cup for a day. For if he does, we may never see the Cup again. (I’m sure he’d figure out a way to trash the second one that’s in the Hall of Fame , too,  and that’d be the end of that).

On to the links…

Down Goes Brown – Dipping into the archives, we find a young wide-eyed DGB blogging about Game 6 of the 1993 Western Conference Finals. This is so well done that I worry about this man’s sanity; It almost seems like he’s been watching that game on a loop for the past 17 years.

Puck Daddy - Greg takes an in-depth look at Vince Vaughn, the Chicago Blackhawks fan. Now, I agree with Greg that “Fred Claus” was an atrocious movie, but I just watched “Four Christmasses” a little while back and it was pretty funny. The best friend marrying his mom part had me laughing quite a bit.

Intent To Blow – Flyers fan Tasered in NJ office for being an insufferable douche. I really hope that the Flyers fans take things to another level in these Finals. As much as it may not be politically correct to say, I do find random beatdowns and assaults at sporting events entertaining (as long as they aren’t happening to me, of course).

Don’t Trade Vinny – I’m including this link for no other reason than that this guy has been cyber-stalking me on Twitter demanding a link; I had no choice but to bow down to his demands. I tell ya, what some people will do for a few extra hits.

TMZ – Look! A  hockey guy makes TMZ. That’s great news for growing the sport. Going to read it now … umm, never mind.

Deadspin – Look! A hockey guy makes Deadspin because of his daughter, going to read it now against my better judgement … Conclusion:  THIS one is not creepy!

National Post – If you ever wanted to see Tyler Seguin’s “O” face, you’re in luck.

TSN – Prospects handle tough questions during NHL Combine. Let me take a stab at a few:

What would you like better, a gun, or a good poem?

Is the gun loaded with unlimited bullets? If so, the gun. If not, the gun. So yeah, the gun without question.

If you were getting invaded by a country in a war and you had to take one family member with you, who would it be?

Take them where? Another country? Are there no immigration laws? Am I able to take a friend instead? Can I take the gun in the question above, shoot Mike Fisher, and take Carrie Underwood instead? I NEED MORE INFO HERE, GUYS!

Toronto Sun – I’m surprised we haven’t yet heard Brian Burke proclaim that he’s going to go after Hall or Seguin in the draft. Last year, his “going after” Tavares attitude was quite amusing. I guess this year he figures it’s best to lay low and pretend like there is no draft.

Cult of Hockey – Oilers play-by-play man Rod Phillips retires. As a hockey geek, I’ve listened in to quite a few Oilers games and Rod has a unique gift to make every game sound exciting. Try to comprehend that for a second: he makes Edmonton Oilers games sound exciting. Good God, that’s remarkable really.  Truly one of the best in the biz.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week: Puck Daddy, Five for Howling,  The Rat Trick. Sorry if I missed anyone. Thanks to all those that RT’d on Twitter and shared BoF on message boards.

Speaking of Twitter, I’m now up to 616 followers. I’m not “tweeting” as much lately but when inspirations strikes, I shall be there!

Closing Thought: I’m quite geeked for the World Cup. I guess you could say I’m a soccer fan — I don’t think any Euros or South Americans read this blog so I don’t have to call it “football” — in the same way that some people are hockey fans only during the Olympics. Still, the World Cup probably ranks as my favorite sporting event. Period.

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis does some freaky mathematician stuff to see what Crosby’s numbers would look like had he played in the 80′s. He also adjusts Gretzky’s stats from that era to see what they’d look like over an 82-game season.

Man, every time I glance at Wayne’s 200+ point seasons, they blow my mind. Which leads me to the following point: Remember in our hockey pools when we had to draft Wayne’s and Mario’s assists and points separately, and Steve Yzerman became the fallacious #1 pick? If you do, you’re getting old!

Down Goes Brown – DGB tries to explain why the Ottawa Senators lost money this season. Mind you, it’s not a coincidence that the sum total of their losses amounted to $4 million. After all, it’s hard to budget for getting robbed blinded by a disgruntled employee.

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying on the financial topic, Mike Halford has a rundown of teams that will soon be feeling the salary cap pinch. I was shocked — and I mean SHOCKED — to see the Florida Panthers on the list. On second glance, though, I realized they employ Bryan McCabe, so cap issues are to be expected.

View From My Seats – Matt Reitz shares a transcript of Dale Tallon’s meeting with Florida ownership. While you read that, I’m going to ponder why I always want to write “Dave” Tallon instead of “Dale”. Dave just seems to flow better. I think his parents made a mistake … Jeez, I hope his parents aren’t dead ’cause I don’t want them to haunt me over this. F#ck, maybe I should just scrap what I just wrote…

Flames Nation – Ken Wilson argues that middle class goalies are interchangeable, and uses stats to back up his point. This leads him to conclude that it may be wise for the Flames to deal Kiprusoff while they still can. That’s quite a ballsy opinion for a Flames fan to have. Y’know, considering that Darryl Sutter will be the one making the trade; Probably will end with Kimmo Timonen coming back in exchange.

IIHF – Some guy working for the IIHF blasts players who chose not to partake in the World Championships. I’m not saying this is a self-serving article from someone who may have an axe to grind, but let me tell you this: I wouldn’t be surprised if some quota wasn’t met and, as a result, Szymon Szemberg’s wife will not be getting the new diamond necklace he promised her. An unhappy wife is an unhappy life, so take that Sidney Crosby!

Down Goes Brown – DGB returns for an encore. This time with a look at Boston Bruins excuses for their epic collapse. I hope Leafs fans milk this collapse for all they can, afterall, it’s only fair since the Bruins have been milking Toronto for a while now.

Truth & Rumors – The ever-entertaining William Houston sides with Willie Mitchell on his rant against league disciplinarian Colin Campbell. Good read, but back to Dale “should have been Dave” Tallon”s parents. They’re alive, right? I just heard a noise in my basement. You don’t think, do you? Getting kind of freaked out here…

The Pens Blog – Fantastic post that sticks it to those who are running Trade Malkin stories. The gap between the mainstream media and  bloggers is narrowing by the day. Heck, writers from both camps already share the same mode of transporation (for those too lazy to click the link, the ride of choice is a Honda Accord with over 500,000 km’s on the dash).

Bloge Salming – A typical day in the life of Gary Bettman set to the tune of Like A Boss. Great work as always by Bloge.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week Five for Howling and The Rat Trick. Sorry if I missed anyone. Big thanks also to everyone that spread the funny on Twitter and around the internet.

Speaking of Twitter, Blades of Funny is now up to a new record of 581 followers. That’s pretty much the plateau I would think, especially if I keep coming out with material like this:

Random Thought:

I do not care one iota about the IIHF World Hockey Championships. There, I said it. In YOUR face, Szymon Szemberg. BTW, your parents also screwed up your name.

Uh-oh! Why do I keep doing this to myself???