NFL 2010: The Most Entertaining Season Ever?

I’ll spare you the excuses as to why I didn’t post in a quite a while. Let’s just say I didn’t feel like it. Okay, with that bit of awkwardness out of the way, here are some quick thoughts on the world of hockey and sports.

–I love hockey but this year’s NFL season will go down as the most entertaining season I’ve ever witnessed in any sport. It’s been fascinating to follow. That said, last year’s NHL playoffs were one of the best ones in a long time. Add to that the Miami Heat and LeBron rejuvenating the NBA somewhat and baseball rebounding from the steroid era with a good crop of pitchers and young players coming up. It’s like a golden year for sports in North America so it’s safe to assume we’ll be seeing lockout after lockout in the near future.

–You know what I find funny? Grown ups complaining and mocking the NHL Guardian project. It’s obviously marketing towards kids and kids go nuts for stupid shit. Sure toys these days are pretty weird (wtf is a Bakugan?) but it’s no weirder than a prince transforming himself into warrior and riding his tiger to battle a skeleton. But let’s be honest He-Man rocked our world, so maybe some gullible kid in California will find “The King” totally awesome and beg his parents to go to an NHL and BOOM! New fan!

Jem: Possibly the reason why Tranny Porn is so popular these days!

–Speaking of old time cartoons… GI Joe and Transformers rocked. I also was a big fan of Duck Tales and of M.A.S.K., the latter of which never reached much popularity. And don’t tell anyone this, but I did have a secret crush on Jem because, well, she was truly outrageous!

–I still haven’t seen the final episode of HBO’s 24/7 but the show was pretty cool. I thought Matt Cooke came off great which is still a shock to write into words.  This creates the scary possibility that everything we believe about this universe could be wrong.

–Loved Sid on the show, too.  However, Ovechkin doesn’t really seem to me like the same guy from two years ago. He just came off more shy and reserved than I expected. You can kind of tell that he doesn’t really enjoy North America and feels more comfortable in the Motherland. In contrast, and what was another surprise to me, Malkin seemed much more fun than I imagined him to be (not that I spend my time imagining how much fun Malkin is… alright, I do).

–The Bruce Boudreau f-bomb thing was kind of overplayed. I watched the first episode a few days after it aired and prior to watching it, I read some reviews of it on the blogs and it made it seem like Boudreau had a meltdown. Really, though, it’s just a guy who likes to swear. Nothing wrong with that. We all know someone like that. Hell, when I’m in a bad mood, I’m probably like that.

–This is really funny. In 1974, a Cleveland Browns fan complains to the team about people throwing paper airplanes in his section. He then gets a response from the team’s general counsel. Makes me wish we were still back in a time before political correctness took over our world. Then again, I’m neither ethnic, gay or a woman so I may have a romanticized view of the old days.

–Speaking of anti-political correctness stuff, the Russian junior team lived up to every Vladimir Sharapov stereotype, and it was awesome!

–This Intent To Blow post is from December 21st and plays off the Thrashers publicity stunt with their mascot from a month back but it’s probably my favorite work they’ve done to date. Go read it (but go read about the actual publicity stunt first if you have no clue what I’m talking about, here’s a link for that because I know you’re too lazy to find it yourself and will probably get sidetracked at some porn site).

–I don’t know if you guys heard but Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie expressed his hatred of Tom Brady to the media. I was debating whether to bet on the Patriots -9.5 but after those comments, I think it’s a fairly safe bet. Also like the Falcons -1.5 and the Steelers -2.5.  Not touching the Seahawks/Bears game, both of those teams are not to be trusted.

–Well that’s all for today. See you again in two months (or not… but probably two months). Follow along on Twitter, I still have 1010 followers even though I haven’t tweeted in almost a month. Which reminds me, I had a tweet read on-air by Jim Rome back in mid-December. How cool is that? What? Not cool at all, you say? Well, effff you.

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis does some freaky mathematician stuff to see what Crosby’s numbers would look like had he played in the 80′s. He also adjusts Gretzky’s stats from that era to see what they’d look like over an 82-game season.

Man, every time I glance at Wayne’s 200+ point seasons, they blow my mind. Which leads me to the following point: Remember in our hockey pools when we had to draft Wayne’s and Mario’s assists and points separately, and Steve Yzerman became the fallacious #1 pick? If you do, you’re getting old!

Down Goes Brown – DGB tries to explain why the Ottawa Senators lost money this season. Mind you, it’s not a coincidence that the sum total of their losses amounted to $4 million. After all, it’s hard to budget for getting robbed blinded by a disgruntled employee.

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying on the financial topic, Mike Halford has a rundown of teams that will soon be feeling the salary cap pinch. I was shocked — and I mean SHOCKED — to see the Florida Panthers on the list. On second glance, though, I realized they employ Bryan McCabe, so cap issues are to be expected.

View From My Seats – Matt Reitz shares a transcript of Dale Tallon’s meeting with Florida ownership. While you read that, I’m going to ponder why I always want to write “Dave” Tallon instead of “Dale”. Dave just seems to flow better. I think his parents made a mistake … Jeez, I hope his parents aren’t dead ’cause I don’t want them to haunt me over this. F#ck, maybe I should just scrap what I just wrote…

Flames Nation – Ken Wilson argues that middle class goalies are interchangeable, and uses stats to back up his point. This leads him to conclude that it may be wise for the Flames to deal Kiprusoff while they still can. That’s quite a ballsy opinion for a Flames fan to have. Y’know, considering that Darryl Sutter will be the one making the trade; Probably will end with Kimmo Timonen coming back in exchange.

IIHF – Some guy working for the IIHF blasts players who chose not to partake in the World Championships. I’m not saying this is a self-serving article from someone who may have an axe to grind, but let me tell you this: I wouldn’t be surprised if some quota wasn’t met and, as a result, Szymon Szemberg’s wife will not be getting the new diamond necklace he promised her. An unhappy wife is an unhappy life, so take that Sidney Crosby!

Down Goes Brown – DGB returns for an encore. This time with a look at Boston Bruins excuses for their epic collapse. I hope Leafs fans milk this collapse for all they can, afterall, it’s only fair since the Bruins have been milking Toronto for a while now.

Truth & Rumors – The ever-entertaining William Houston sides with Willie Mitchell on his rant against league disciplinarian Colin Campbell. Good read, but back to Dale “should have been Dave” Tallon”s parents. They’re alive, right? I just heard a noise in my basement. You don’t think, do you? Getting kind of freaked out here…

The Pens Blog – Fantastic post that sticks it to those who are running Trade Malkin stories. The gap between the mainstream media and  bloggers is narrowing by the day. Heck, writers from both camps already share the same mode of transporation (for those too lazy to click the link, the ride of choice is a Honda Accord with over 500,000 km’s on the dash).

Bloge Salming – A typical day in the life of Gary Bettman set to the tune of Like A Boss. Great work as always by Bloge.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week Five for Howling and The Rat Trick. Sorry if I missed anyone. Big thanks also to everyone that spread the funny on Twitter and around the internet.

Speaking of Twitter, Blades of Funny is now up to a new record of 581 followers. That’s pretty much the plateau I would think, especially if I keep coming out with material like this:

Random Thought:

I do not care one iota about the IIHF World Hockey Championships. There, I said it. In YOUR face, Szymon Szemberg. BTW, your parents also screwed up your name.

Uh-oh! Why do I keep doing this to myself???

(This is a guest post written by Vladimir Sharapov (Владимир Шарáпов). Vladimir works as a baseball scout in his home country of Russia, but his true passion lies in the sport of hockey. We hope that you agree with us when we say that Vladimir will add both a serious and an international opinion to the Blades of Funny community. His posts are unedited from the copies that he sends us, save for the censoring of swear words.)

HELLO BLADES OF FUNNY READER,

I write here TODAY to tell you about PROFOUND INJUSTICE done to my comrades. My expose will AWE and SHOCK you lazy North American who sit around eating cheese covered chip all day.

After watching games involving OVECHKIN vs. STUPID MONTREAL and MALKIN vs. UGLY MONTREAL. I can tell you this with no question in my mind: THE RUSSIAN SUPERSTARS WERE CHEATED IN THE PLAYOFFS.

YES IT IS TRUE. Every bone of VLADAMIR’S BODY feel truth must be told.

EVIDENCE IS CLEAR.

Montreal bad team who can not score goal on MICHAEL LEIGHTON but they defeat MALKIN AND OVECHKIN? THIS smell like more fish to VLADIMIR than the shores of SEVERDVINSK.

GOALTENDER from SLOVAKIA <Vladimir SPIT on floor> play like MIRACLE ON ICE vs. OVECHKIN and MALKIN but now he not able to stop MIDGET FRENCHMAN BRIERE and WALKING HOSPITAL PATIENT GAGNE. This no make any sense to VLADIMIR.

League do not want Cup of Stanley champion to be HANDSOME RUSSIAN MAN with flair of sabertooth tiger and instinct of killer bee. This why league conspire to ELIMINATE comrades with superior HOCKEY SKILL.

OR League afraid of CRAZY FANS in Philadelphia and Montreal so they act like chicken who do not want bones broken. I do not understand how Montreal defeat OVECHKIN and MALKIN back-to-back. IMPOSSIBLE.

Anti-RUSSIA conspiracy also effect DATSYUK and KOVALCHUK too but VLADIMIR not have evidence as clear about this like I have about Montreal. Plus DETROIT team get many breaks in previous times so it is CLEAR to VLADIMIR they not part of conspiracy.

You say to VLADIMIR: but what about NABOKOV and BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, they still in playoffs?

I write in previous post about NABOKOV how he not TRUE RUSSIAN because he too much CALIFORNIA DREAMING. About BROTHERS KOSTITSYN I choose not to talk about them. They good Russian boys and we leave it at that, OK? Good. No more question in future about BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, PLEASE.

I need to end now as I have to catch train to scout baseball tomorrow but I hope my words open eyes of hockey fans that league cheat and is anti-RUSSIAN. American Fans deprived of ability to watch best players in league because league eliminate all GREAT RUSSIANS. This make VLADIMIR’S STOMACH HURT more than water from village well.

Before I go, I answer COMMENTS AND WORDS FROM READERS FROM PREVIOUS POST…

***

Man with exotic name write comment:

I do not know what this mean. Everytime VLADIMIR visit America to scout baseball, people come up to me and say about player:

“He strong like Drago.”

“He powerful like Drago.”

“He probably juice like Drago.”

Why should Vladimir care what juice player drink? SILLY AMERICANS. I do not get your conversation. NEXT!

***

Man who work as waiter write comment:

You must spend too much time in kitchen because RUSSIAN MEN do not golf. What sort of SISSY game is golf? Walk around park, hit little ball into little hole located in middle of park. GAME IS LAZY AND STUPID FOR FAT NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

You want to know what OVECHKIN and rest of RUSSIA MEN do to relax? WE hunt the elusive LYNX in SOUTHERN SIBERIA. This is what a REAL man do, not walk around park and hit white balls with stick.

***

Finally, lovely lady write to BLADES OF FUNNY ABOUT VLADIMIR:

Maybe you invite VLADMIR to marriage in North America so VLADMIR get visa and achieve life dream of working for Blue Jays of Toronto?

What can VLADIMIR offer in return for visa? I strong like ox, fix house without problem, hunt for food, and build magnificent well in your village. If you marry VLADIMIR you become ENVY of all women in village filled with fat and lazy NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

BYE BYE FOR NOW PEOPLE IN INTERNET.

Владимир Шарáпов

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

The Hockey News – With a headline like “Penguins must trade Malkin,” this has to be classified as humor. If you’re not sold yet, check out what’s inside:

Here’s an idea a couple of us came up with. I repeat, an idea we came up with. Not a rumor. Malkin and a fifth round pick to Edmonton for the first overall selection, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson and Sheldon Souray.

[...]

It’d be a good old-fashioned hockey trade and a win for both sides.

Let’s dissect this: On one hand, you have a team, which is one year removed from a Stanley Cup and back-to-back Finals appearances, trading away one of the top 3 players in the game. On the other hand, you have a team, which has been treading water for two decades and are now finally in a position to do a proper rebuild, trading away two of their blue chip prospects. A win for both sides? Humor indeed.

But you know what makes this a riot? The fact that Burke essentially made this trade, only instead of getting Malkin, he got Phil Kessel. <Nelson Muntz laugh>

Distinct Kicking Motion – Canadiens Eliminate Penguins; Carey Price Pissed Off. While I’m certain my classification of the previous link is correct, I’m not quite sure if this one is satire or not.

Stay Classy – Staying with the Canadiens, Burgundy offers a few tips on how to do your rioting right. My tip would be to make sure your gang includes a few Leafs fans that have jumped on the Habs bandwagon. I’m sure those souls are bitter and ready to tear sh#t up Colton Orr-style.

Cowhide and Rubber – More Canadiens, this time with added gloating. Look at them, they’re so cute, so Cinderella-ish. Remember when Flames and Oilers fans were like this? We can only hope the future for Habs fans holds the same fate.

Bloge Salming – The New NHL Dating Website. I heard Luongo and the Canucks were considered for this but they were bumped when news came out that Roberto’s inability to perform caused Vancouver to have a torrid love affair with a sexy young redhead.

(Ed’s note: To those of you that googled “sexy young redhead” and wound up here, I’m sorry. However, if you wish to stay, you must put on a pair of pants. It’s a BoF rule.)

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying with Luongo, Jason Brough puts the “Luongo sucks because of the ‘C’” argument in perspective. There are bigger issues; the ‘C’ is just an easy thing to point to. Sort of like how alcohol takes the blame when, after a night of partying, you wake up with a 2.5 beside you. Sure, the alcohol played a role, but the fanny pack you wore played a bigger role.

MC 79 Hockey – Tyler Dellow calls out new Thrashers GM Rick Dudley for fabricating. While Tyler’s words are scathing, they pale in comparison to the beatdown Dudley will receive from Kane. Evander don’t like no liars.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette – Sidney is set to move out of Lemieux’s basement. I guess Mario finally had enough of Crosby’s crying and whining.

What’s that? That was an obvious joke and you expected more from BoF?  My bad, let me try again.

Sidney is set to move out of Lemieux’s basement. I heard he bought a place in New York with Lebron James. The home will affectionately be nicknamed “The Baby Crib.”

Ha! That’ll teach you to demand funny from me.

Puck Daddy – Does something stink in Jersey? Yes. But Steven Ovadia takes a look at possible strife in the Devils organization. Not surprising ’cause, much like a marriage, when jars of jelly start hitting the wall, things are no longer rosy.

View From My Seats – Fellow basement shut-in hockey blogger Matt Reitz pays homage to a departed friend. Nicely done, I think I’ll end with this.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week: Down Goes Brown, Puck Daddy, Five for Howling,  The Rat Trick, Second City Hockey, Hockey Independent, Hockey N’ High Heels, Fantasy Hockey Scouts, Dobber Hockey, Nucks Misconduct, Ms. Blackhawks, and Distinct Kicking Motion. Sorry if I missed anyone. Thanks to all those that RT’d on Twitter and shared BoF on message boards. I am forever your humble servant.

One last thing I have to share with you because I found it utterly hilarious…

The photo and caption are courtesy of St. Louis Game Time:

“It’s not often that you can pinpoint the exact moment that a guy leaps off of one bandwagon straight onto the awaiting deck of another bandwagon, but we did it tonight.”

(This is a guest post written by Vladimir Sharapov (Владимир Шарáпов). Vladimir works as a baseball scout in his home country of Russia, but his true passion lies in the sport of hockey. We hope that you agree with us when we say that Vladimir will add both a serious and an international opinion to the Blades of Funny community. His posts are unedited from the copies that he sends us, save for the censoring of swear words.)

HELLO BLADES OF FUNNY READER.

I want to thank BLADES OF FUNNY for giving me voice in internet to teach PUBLIC PEOPLE about sport of hockey.

Before I continue with point of letter I tell you about VLADIMIR more. I work job as baseball scout in Russia and I know athletics good. I watch and play sport of HOCKEY since I five years old. I KNOW the fine things about sport so you in good hands with VLADIMIR.

Now I speak about subject and teach you about best performers who play SPORT OF HOCKEY. My list good because I am sport scout so I know what make good athletic performance.

I share list of mine that tell public about best hockey players in world. READ LIST NOW:

1. ALEXANDER OVECHKIN – number one hockey performer in world. TOTAL PACKAGE. Speed of cheetah, shoot like bullet, pass of tiger, score vision of army general, physical power of black bear, balance of mountain goat, skating like PLUSHENKO.. If you doubt Russia produce good athletics, you look at ALEXANDER OVECHKIN NOW.
2. ALEXI MOROZOV – Alexi older now but in prime he greatest hockey performer since Valery Kharlamov. If he play in NORTH AMERICA Alexi score 100 plus point every year. Guarantee.
3. EVGENI MALKIN – Superstar performer who champion of Stanley and MVP. Big man who have good eye and big body. Without MVP MALKIN Pittsburgh not win Cup of Stanley.
4. PAVEL DATSYUK – CUP OF STANLEY CHAMPION. Good Russian man who dangle like dangle is dangled by top performer. Detroit not win Cup of Stanley without Datsyuk starring.
5. ILYA KOVALCHUK – speed of pergrine falcon and good score vision. He Cup of Stanley champion if good team he have to carry. Atlanta joke. News in my village last week say HE PLAY in DEVIL system now. Good.
6. SERGEI MOZYAKIN – superstar performer for Atlant Moscow Oblast who lead KHL in points score now. If he play NORTH AMERICA Sergei score 100 point every year. Guarantee.
7. NICKLAS BACKSTROM – he good young boy who help OVECHKIN score. Best ice see vision of any performer not born in Russia. He good young boy.
8. SIDNEY CROSBY – he okay player for Canadian but he not measure up to Russian athletic standards. He good help for MALKIN. How you say, he starsky to MALKIN hutch. CROSBY good but People of Canada make too much praise for him because they not see Russian perform much. For Canadian he good.
9. PHIL KESSEL – even though he American KESSEL play like Russian star. Speed of cheetah and score like sniper. He not like to pass much but in Russia we not look down on no pass because score is more important. If he play on team with good Russian he could be champion with Cup of Stanley. Toronto joke.
10. ALEXEI YASHIN – he old now (37) but he still do good in KHL for SKA Saint Petersburg. #3 scorer in last year in league. That tell you what good athletics ALEXI have and if he play in NORTH AMERICA Alexi score 100 points. Guarantee.

So people in internet YOU SEE NOW HOW GOOD RUSSIA HOCKEY PERFORMERS IS. In list of 10 BEST hockey performers SEVEN born in Russia.

Let me tell you it not FLUKE. Russian men is powerful men, no girly men like performers from SWEDEN OR CANADA OR FINLAND. RUSSIA = GOOD MANLY JEANS.

PLUS we have good player even not on list like ALEXANDER SEMIN. He best friend of OVECHKIN and good at get goal but he need to eat more meat because he fragile. Man from Russia not fragile so he not make the list but he still good performer.

We have good goalie too. ILYA BRYZGALOV best goalie in WORLD NOW. EVGENI NABOKOV good goalie too. TOP THREE IN WORLD. But I tell you truth. I not like him much. He spend too much time in CALIFORNIA BEACHES and not play hockey like Russian. IF HE NOT CALIFORNIA DREAMING RUSSIA WIN GOLD MEDAL.

I hope PEOPLE WHO READ INTERNET learn from my words about HOCKEY. I leave now to scout baseball but I WILL SHARE WISDOM AGAIN.

BYE BYE FOR NOW PEOPLE IN INTERNET.

Владимир Шарáпов