Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

This will be a quick post where I ramble about a few things:

The newest Canuck.

–I’ve had an amusing morning today based on my decision to tune into a Vancouver radio to gauge the reaction to the Ballard trade.

My first “lol” moment came when, to open the show, one of the hosts described the Canucks are “shaking up the draft” with the trade. Yes, you read right: they shook up the draft! … with a Keith Ballard trade. I didn’t know that was even humanly possible.

But the laughs continued…

The other host chose to break down the trade by splitting it into parts:

“Bernier’s contract was a liability to the team.” (mostly true because you can’t pay a 4th liner $2 mil.)

“It was either Grabner or Raymond for Ballard, and Raymond proved himself this season.” (sure, I can buy into that.)

“Oreskovich for a 1st rounder is a ‘we’ll see’ based on what happens.” (Whaaaaaaaat?)

Granted, it’s always a “we’ll see” when it comes to trades (especially ones that involve prospects), but please tell me how, if you break a trade down like this, is Ostrich worth a first round pick?

I fired off an email to one of my buddies who is a Canucks fan and told him about this comedy.

His reply:

The Ostrich guy has an interesting story as he quit hockey for 2 years as his head wasn’t in it.    Then he got his drive back and made the Panthers right away.   So maybe not such a long shot as his current stats suggest.

My counter:

Ostrich may be an interesting story (but those are a dime a dozen with prospects), thus would trading a 1st rounder straight up for him be justified like the guy was saying in his break down? No.

“he quit hockey for 2 years as his head wasn’t in it”

Lovely! Just the type of player who’ll be there when the going gets tough!!

lol, get outta here!

His counter:

I like a guy who was spoiled, realized what he had, and went back to get it.   He won’t leave again.    And I like that he made the team so soon.  Means the kid has skill.

I am giving Gillis a solid A- on this deal.

My reply:

go suck his d**k!

–Okay I found the above amusing. You, on the other hand, probably want the last minute of your life back. I’m sorry, the Ballard trade shook me up!

–No more Keith Ballard! Please, for the love of God, somebody good get traded!

2 Savards or 1.15 Drurys?

–… like Marc Savard! If Toronto gets him for a bargain price, the Kessel trade can no longer be mocked, for Savard needing to be moved is pretty much connected to the Kessel trade.

Marc Savard’s cap hit is $4 million. $4 MILLION! You know who made around $4 million last year? Jason Blake, Pavol Demitra, Daymond Langkow and David freakin’ Legwand. There should be absolutely no hesitation when it comes to taking on his contract.

Concussions? Sure, it’s an issue, but if you’re giving up Grabovski or Kulemin then what’s really the risk? I mean, YOU’RE GETTING A POINT A GAME GUY!!! And your team really needs all the skill up front that it can get. And most of all, every pre-Burke Leaf should have been taken out back and beaten in the first place.

I’m telling you, if the Leafs pull off this trade, they will make the playoffs next year*.

* – Unless, of course, Savard misses 50 games due to a concussions, Phaneuf plays like he did in Calgary, Schenn decides he wants to give the AHL a shot, Gustavsson misplaces his defibrillator, Giguere is Giguere and Kessel starts shooting the puck from center ice. All of which are not that big of a stretch.

–One more thing before I go and you can get on with your day.

You know what amuses me? People that come up with different ideas that would make soccer more suited for the North American market.

Like, really? That’s like saying the NFL should change some rules so it plays better to the inhabitants of Saudi Arabia. On a worldwide basis, soccer is doing fine. It’s a niche sport in North America but the game does not need this market.

Sooooo, there really is no need to go to 9 on 9 play, eliminate offsides and all that jazz. But keep sending in your ideas!

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

It's over, hallelujah!

–This years draft was kind of weird. Not a bad weird, or a good weird. Just weird. There was lots of talk prior that this class wasn’t that good and I think that showed with so many off-the-board picks. When the talent isn’t there, GMs don’t care about rankings as much and just go with who they like. Speaking of which…

–With Fowler and Gormley still on the board, prior to the Tampa Bay Lightning making their selection, I tweeted this:

As you know, a few seconds later, they drafted WHL winger Brett Connolly.

I’m not saying I know more about hockey than Steve Yzerman (I’m sure  I do, though) or that as a GM I could build a kick-ass team (which is pretty much a given based on my success in “Be A GM” mode) but this pick confused me.

From the Montreal Gazette:

At least they added the “medically speaking” at the end rather than a flat out comparison… phew?

Well, Connolly’s hip remains a question mark and word is that he refused to let teams take an MRI. Also, in his childhood he had a “horrific” accident that mashed up his hand and some people say the result is structural weakness in his hands. Never a good thing for a hockey player that relies on his skill, right?

But kudos to him for overcoming that and getting drafted in the 1st round. I’d just whimper, feel sorry for myself and probably get addicted to crack if that happened to me. I also liked Brett’s serious, no-fluff approach to the way he presents himself. Very Stevie Y-like.

I just think Tampa would have been better off drafting a defenseman like Fowler or Gormley to go with Hedman. Good defenseman are much harder to find than forwards with injury concerns.

"Vancouver? That's not near Edmonton, is it hun?"

–Want to know how hard is it to get a decent all-around defensemen? Just ask the Vancouver Canucks.

I’m not sure I like the Ballard trade for Vancouver. I do like it A LOT for Florida, though.

Ballard strikes me as a good number-3 defenseman-type and the Canucks blueline is littered with those. Plus he’s paid a bit too much. He may have upside playing on a better team, but that’s not always the case (see: Jay Bouwmeester, Olli Jokinen, Nathan Horton). Oreskovich is a 4th liner who may not even make the team.

On the flipside, the Panthers shed salary,  picked up a first rounder, and a player who could become the best one in the trade: Michael Grabner.

From the little that I’ve seen Grabner play, he can be electrifying with his speed and rocket of a shot. He’s also quite good at finding scoring spots on the ice. Just don’t expect much defense from him. Steve Bernier gives the Panthers depth up front, which is something need. But let’s just say that it’s “haa-haa” funny that he was picked one spot ahead of Zach Parise in the ’03 draft.

– Of course, with Ballard possessing a sweet swing, maybe the Canucks had ulterior motives when making this trade:

–Wow, you know the trading was weak on draft day when you devote so much space to analyzing a Keith Ballard trade.

–I really liked what the Panthers did yesterday. Gudbranson + Grabner + 2 centers later in the 1st round + shed Ballard’s salary. Dale Tallon is pretty good at drafting and trading. It’s the free agency stuff he struggles with.

–Another team that I thought did a good job was Anaheim. Fowler at #12  and Etem at #29 present AWESOME value. All that good will be erased, however, if they don’t sign Bobby Ryan.

– I’m starting to get more comfortable in my belief that Tomas Kaberle won’t get as much in return as people were led to belief. I’ve been saying this for awhile. Watch Burke prove me wrong, like…tomorrow.

–In the last decade, the 2003 1st round stands out far and above any other year, but the 2008 class is off to a great start. Doughty, Stamkos, Bogosian, Schenn, Bailey, Myers and Del Zotto are already household names in the NHL. Add to that Hodgson, Eberle, Carlson, Sbisa, Karlsson, Zach Boychuk, Boedker, Colin Wilson, Filatov and Piterangelo. All of whom are all pretty known in the hockey world as well. Not too shabby after only two years.

–The 2007 class looks like crap in comparison. Of course, in five years that could all change. I doubt it, though.

–That is all for today. One more thing:  I’m up to 720 followers on Twitter. When I reach 1000, I’m going to spam the living s**t out of them! But shhhhh.

Just like your favorite musicians, NHL GMs also have peculiar requests when setting up shop abroad. Take a look at some of the items that  general managers have requested for the upcoming NHL draft:

Boston Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli requested that his table be stocked with gifts that he can hand over to Brian Burke every 15 minutes on Friday…

George McPhee hopes that the custom-made milk cartons he requested will help aid in his search for a Russian who went missing in April…

Steve Tambellini was pressured by the city to bring thousands of these Edmonton Tourism pamphlets to distribute around the arena, since Friday will be the first time in 20 years that Edmonton actually matters…

Blackhawks GM Stan Bowman requested an eye-catching banner which he plans to park a bunch of his players under in hopes of enticing other GMs…

Since May, Canucks GM Mike Gillis won’t go anywhere without his dart board, so naturally this was his only request…

With lots of time to kill on Friday, Brian Burke requested his table be stocked with something that he can use to keep himself busy, and still make himself the center of attention…

Panthers GM Dale Tallon requested the services of the Travelocity gnome for his table. We believe he needs assistance to coordinate the massive exodus of dead weight out of Florida…

Lou Lamoriello requested a table up front and a case of projectiles which he can throw on stage whenever another team drafts a player he wanted…

Looks like Calgary Flames fans doctored their team’s rider with the hopes of giving Darryl Sutter something productive to do during the first round, rather than him using that time to make “schrewd” Darryl Sutter moves…

Finally, on the heels of trading Halak and giving Plekanec a 6 year term at $5 million per, it’s little wonder that the Montreal Canadiens requested what they requested…

More Blades of Funny available on Twitter. 657 followers can’t be wrong (even if half are marketers of enlargement pills).

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis does some freaky mathematician stuff to see what Crosby’s numbers would look like had he played in the 80′s. He also adjusts Gretzky’s stats from that era to see what they’d look like over an 82-game season.

Man, every time I glance at Wayne’s 200+ point seasons, they blow my mind. Which leads me to the following point: Remember in our hockey pools when we had to draft Wayne’s and Mario’s assists and points separately, and Steve Yzerman became the fallacious #1 pick? If you do, you’re getting old!

Down Goes Brown – DGB tries to explain why the Ottawa Senators lost money this season. Mind you, it’s not a coincidence that the sum total of their losses amounted to $4 million. After all, it’s hard to budget for getting robbed blinded by a disgruntled employee.

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying on the financial topic, Mike Halford has a rundown of teams that will soon be feeling the salary cap pinch. I was shocked — and I mean SHOCKED — to see the Florida Panthers on the list. On second glance, though, I realized they employ Bryan McCabe, so cap issues are to be expected.

View From My Seats – Matt Reitz shares a transcript of Dale Tallon’s meeting with Florida ownership. While you read that, I’m going to ponder why I always want to write “Dave” Tallon instead of “Dale”. Dave just seems to flow better. I think his parents made a mistake … Jeez, I hope his parents aren’t dead ’cause I don’t want them to haunt me over this. F#ck, maybe I should just scrap what I just wrote…

Flames Nation – Ken Wilson argues that middle class goalies are interchangeable, and uses stats to back up his point. This leads him to conclude that it may be wise for the Flames to deal Kiprusoff while they still can. That’s quite a ballsy opinion for a Flames fan to have. Y’know, considering that Darryl Sutter will be the one making the trade; Probably will end with Kimmo Timonen coming back in exchange.

IIHF – Some guy working for the IIHF blasts players who chose not to partake in the World Championships. I’m not saying this is a self-serving article from someone who may have an axe to grind, but let me tell you this: I wouldn’t be surprised if some quota wasn’t met and, as a result, Szymon Szemberg’s wife will not be getting the new diamond necklace he promised her. An unhappy wife is an unhappy life, so take that Sidney Crosby!

Down Goes Brown – DGB returns for an encore. This time with a look at Boston Bruins excuses for their epic collapse. I hope Leafs fans milk this collapse for all they can, afterall, it’s only fair since the Bruins have been milking Toronto for a while now.

Truth & Rumors – The ever-entertaining William Houston sides with Willie Mitchell on his rant against league disciplinarian Colin Campbell. Good read, but back to Dale “should have been Dave” Tallon”s parents. They’re alive, right? I just heard a noise in my basement. You don’t think, do you? Getting kind of freaked out here…

The Pens Blog – Fantastic post that sticks it to those who are running Trade Malkin stories. The gap between the mainstream media and  bloggers is narrowing by the day. Heck, writers from both camps already share the same mode of transporation (for those too lazy to click the link, the ride of choice is a Honda Accord with over 500,000 km’s on the dash).

Bloge Salming – A typical day in the life of Gary Bettman set to the tune of Like A Boss. Great work as always by Bloge.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week Five for Howling and The Rat Trick. Sorry if I missed anyone. Big thanks also to everyone that spread the funny on Twitter and around the internet.

Speaking of Twitter, Blades of Funny is now up to a new record of 581 followers. That’s pretty much the plateau I would think, especially if I keep coming out with material like this:

Random Thought:

I do not care one iota about the IIHF World Hockey Championships. There, I said it. In YOUR face, Szymon Szemberg. BTW, your parents also screwed up your name.

Uh-oh! Why do I keep doing this to myself???