"Fools! Blades will never do what he promises to do."

Everywhere I go, people come up to me and say, “Blades, you have over 1000 followers on Twitter, which in this day and age is equivalent to being a nobleman of social media, yet you blog at a frequency that matches that of Oiler victories. How can this be so?”

To them I answer, “My friends, it is true that I am vastly better than those who do not possess 1000 followers, but I do not hold the answers you seek.”

They interrupt me as I’m dining at the finest establishments (like Chi Chong’s All You Cat Eat Buffet, Chip’s Discount Chops And Tune-Ups or whichever place is doing catering for the Minnesota Vikings that week) and they say to me, “Blades, you seem to tweet more about football than hockey. Since it was your hockey writing that brought you such great fame and fortune, how can this be so?”

To them I answer, “My friends, rest assured I do not discount making $0.48 in extra spending money from The Google, but I do not hold the answers you seek.”

Women throw themselves at me and beg, “Blades, will you bestow a great honor upon me and impregnate me with your seed so my that offspring will be blessed with the great gene of nonsense.”

I answer these fair lasses by saying, “My lady, I’m flattered but sad to say that my wife took my impregnating organs away from me many moons ago. If you seek sperm such as mine, go forth and find a hip hop concert.”

So why am I telling you this? It’s because delusion breeds delicious results (unless you’re running the Calgary Flames) and I’m here to make a proclamation.

A proclamation so important that after it’s proclaimed, life shall never be the same (sort of like when the Devils proclaimed they’re going to sign llya to a 15-year contract — but hopefully with better results). Oh yes, once this makes its way outside of the basement from which I do my blogging and finds itself disseminated into the public domain via the 6.5 readers who read the blog (one is a midget), life will forever change.

So what is it, you ask?

Are the rumors true that I’ve been hired as the official blogger for the New York Islanders?

While nothing would please me more than to work for a fine corporation like the Islanders and their almost godly like GM, *wink*, this is not the news I bring you today.

The news I bring… wait a sec, let me make this perfectly clear to whomever is reading this: I think it would be really neat to blog about the finest hockey team ever assembled and bestow praise after praise upon the Islanders for I have never ever seen them do anything dumb or play a bad game of hockey. (Call me, Garth! I do need money!).

Alright, sorry about that…

The proclamation I bring to you today is a promise.

A promise?

Yes, a promise.

A promise that for the week of November 22nd, I will blog EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WEEK. Yes, there will be 5 new posts next week. One each day. After that, we’ll see how things shape up.

Let’s pause for a few minutes so you can take this in and truly grasp the magnitude of what I just laid down, I’ll go change my socks…

…

…

…

Back, the ones without holes feel so much better on my feet.

Now, I realize that my track record of making promises on here has been kind of sketchy — lest we forget the season preview rankings fiasco — but I will go to great lengths to make this true.

For now, I’m off to spend the weekend researching paralegal databases in order to break stories of nepotism and old grudges. Until then, I leave you with the words of a very wise man…

Follow along on Twitter…

Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.