With September just around the corner, it’s time to create a strategy for your upcoming fantasy hockey draft. Here are some tips to get your started…

"What you say about Steve Mason, bi*ch?" - Tuukka

• If you decide to draft Tuukka Rask, be prepared for the inevitable “Steve Mason” references from the gallery. Shut ‘em up quickly with a sarcastic “because playing behind Chara is just like playing behind Fedor Tyutin, right?”
• Be sure to bump Kris Versteeg up on your draft cheat sheet. His numbers are set to rise because he’ll finally be able to get a good night’s sleep as opposed to staying out until the wee hours of the morning playing the role of Patrick Kane’s wingman.
• If you draft Roberto Luongo, be sure to also use a late-round pick on backup Cory Schneider, and another one on farm team starter Tyler Weiman, and yet another one on farm team backup Eddie Lack. Remember, Keith Ballard is now on the Canucks.
• While it’s alright to draft a couple aging players with the hope that you can squeeze one more good year out of them, it’s never a good strategy to have your whole roster consist of these types. You can avoid getting yourself in this predicament by sticking a post-it on your monitor with the following rule written on it: Do Not Draft Any Red Wings.
• If your league counts penalty minutes, it’s not a bad idea to use a late pick on a goon who will rack up the PIMs. Most of them will still be around in the last round so don’t overpay, otherwise you’ll be known in your league as “Mr. Sather”.
• It’s always nice to gain added flexibility by drafting players who are dual-position eligible. For example, Dustin Byfuglien is a forward who slots in as a defenseman in some games, thus making him eligible at both positions. Another example would be Mike Green, although for some reason the powers that be never update his position in the main computer.
• If you’re playing with a new group of guys who don’t know each other very well and you sense the draft atmosphere is kinda cold, I suggest you draft Evander Kane with your next pick. The jubilation and applause that follows will surely break the ice.
• Contrary to what you’ve been hearing from the media all summer, a great manager does not go into a season with Mike Smith and Dan Ellis as his two goalies.


Dan Ellis wants to the world to know he's a specialist, just like Paris Hilton.

• Speaking of Dan Ellis, should you draft him, try to refrain from calling yourself a “fantasy specialist” right after the selection. Doing so will just force you to explain the whole Ellis Twitter debacle and in turn make you look like one giant geek in front of the whole league. (If you need clarification on what the hell I’m talking about, reference the 2nd paragraph in this link — see, I look like one giant geek now, right?)
• If you’re about to select Tomas Kaberle with the intention of trading him to another manager after the draft ends, you should probably rethink that pick.
• If during your draft you notice some of the other managers are writers for the Toronto Sun, try to make them feel at home by changing the league’s language setting to Czechoslovakian. Howver, be sure to keep an eye on them ’cause they may try to do something unethical like trading amongst each other to form one “super team”.
• Don’t get too emotional with your roster. If you let your emotions run wild, you’ll end up dropping a player who messed your team up, only to pick him up again a few months later with the expectation of a different result . That’s sheer lunacy.
• Don’t draft Alex Tanguay. Especially if you’ve been burned by him before.
• Oh, and don’t ever trade one good player (who may or may not have a celebrity girlfriend) for a package of lesser-skilled players.
• But don’t worry too much about the last three things. They’ll only spell your team’s downfall if you make all three mistakes in the course of one calendar year and surely nobody on this planet would ever be that dumb.
• Lastly, since all fantasy leagues end in the regular season, it’s okay for you to draft Russian-born players.

Hopefully this list will serve you well… good luck, my friends!

For those still reading, I’ll be a guest on Rink Side Rants this coming Thursday at 9pm est.  Yup, this will be my podcasting debut so if you want to hear some lame attempts at humor and just overall awkwardness which will make you cringe, do tune in.

You can also follow me on Twitter, where the push for 1000 followers is gaining steam.

"Hey, you ... yeah, you ... wanna to try some melatonin? Totally organic."

Well, I haven’t made a post in like 12 days and contrary to the rumors out there, I haven’t left to Russia to write about the KHL.

Truth is that I’ve been swamped with other things and my stress-level has been through the roof. It was so bad that I had to pop some melatonin pills just to sleep. Pretty gangsta, right?

Anyways, I have no clue what I’m going to write about but I figure I might as well throw up a post so I’m not forgotten.

Here … we … go…

–Brian Burke wasn’t able to trade Kaberle for what he wanted. <sarcasm>That’s so shocking. I thought people would be lining up and throwing 1st rounders and top prospects at Brian’s door.</sarcasm>

Sure, Kaberle was a solid offensive defenseman for many years but he’s now 32, a UFA after this season and he’s also kind of a flake.

And let’s not forget that while Kabs put up 49 points last season, he only put up 6 in the final 26 games. Sure, Dion’s arrival cut into Kaberle’s ice time but I think there’s more to that. Much like many players of his ilk (read: carefree Europeans), I think Kaberle is a commodity who’s stock is going to be going down fast. A GM would have to be absolutely stupid to give up the bounty that Brian was looking for in exchange.

–I’ve totally reached the point where I just want the regular season to start. I’m starting to lose all interest in the latest off-season news. Granted, though, a trade or two that’s actually significant could change my mind.

"Inside Sources"

–Who are these people that actually believe what’s written by unknown internet writers with “inside sources”. Like seriously, what the f*ck?

This @NHLSourcesSay guy has over 9000 followers (is my jealousy showing? no? phew!) and much to my dismay a tweet of his was actually quoted by a mainstream hockey blog I read. Thank god I was sitting on the toilet when I came across the reference so it all kind of fit together nicely, I guess.

–I posted on Twitter earlier today that I’m going to start an account called @NHLSourcesInMyMindSay. A reader replied with a better name: @NHLVoicesSay. I started to wonder how hard it is to pull stuff out of your butt and post it to the world. Let me try…

@NHLVoicesSay Hearing talk that Willie Mitchell in a daze over whether to sign in LA or Vancouver. Of course, daze could be post-concussion related.

@NHLVoicesSay An NHL GM told me he likes to eat pickles for breakfast.

@NHLVoicesSay Hearing Tomas Kaberle deal could still be in the works between two teams. Toronto is one, still waiting on word about the other team involved.

@NHLVoicesSay Just got word that Kovalchuk’s ready to sign in the KHL if he can’t get the money he wants in the NHL.

@NHLVoicesSay Being told Darryl Sutter feverishly on the phone trying to trade for Todd Bertuzzi.

That’s gold, Jerry! Gold!

–Marc Staal is still unsigned. If I was a GM, I’d seriously consider playing the as*hole and offer him a $5m per contract. Just the possibility of poaching him would be worth facing the wrath of Sather.

Also, depending on what team I’m running, I wouldn’t mind overpaying Staal in exchange for getting him at a cost of a 1st, 2nd and 3rd round pick. Young defenseman like him aren’t a dime a dozen (fyi: they’re more like $48m a dozen).

–Wouldn’t do that with Bobby Ryan though.

–I think that’s all for today. I have lots of catch-up reading to do and maybe I’ll do another post later on this week. I also hear that Vladimir is working on a post so stay tuned!

–Don’t forget to check out the Blades of Funny Twitter feed which broke 900 followers today! Over there, you can see me answer questions on the topic du jour. Like this…

July 13th, 2010

To: Dan Gilbert
Cleveland Cavaliers
Cleveland, OH

Dearest Dan Gilbert,

I am writing this letter to offer you my fullest support in light of what has transpired the past week. If you are unfamiliar with me, I am commissioner of the National Hockey League. You may have heard about our organization before.

After reading your heartfelt letter addressing the fans of the Cleveland Cavaliers, I can tell that you are a man of principle; a man who values loyalty and doing what’s right above all else.

You and I share these things in common, Mr. Gilbert.

I for one have been fighting the fight of my life to save the Phoenix Coyotes from pulling a LeBron of their own. Evil men have been trying to lure the team away from its roots in Arizona. Some have even wanted to replant the franchise in Winnipeg.  I’m sure you’d agree that such a move would be an egregious act to lay on the loyal hockey fans in Phoenix.

I’m certain that as a fellow human being who values doing what’s right over money and common sense, you will jump at the opportunity to correct this injustice.

With this in mind, I am offering you an opportunity to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes. You, my good sir, can continue your crusade for justice in sports by taking the role of white knight in the Phoenix hockey community.

Here are a few selling points on why hockey is the sport for you:

• Self-promotion is a vice that we have never suffered from. To demonstrate this, we are fully prepared to bar our players from further participation in the Olympic Winter Games.
  
• You’ll never have to worry about any of our athletes appearing on ESPN. If they do choose to appear on a network, it’ll be Versus, and if they appear on Versus, do they REALLY appear? I think you and I both know the answer to that one.
• As you’ll find out when you become an NHL owner, the use of wacky fonts in correspondence is very commonplace. BRIAN BURKE LOVES USING THE “IMPACT” FONT. Glen Sather always uses “Broadway BT”. And then there’s Darryl Sutter who just communicates by drawing stuff…



• Do you hate it when one of your restricted free agents gets an offer sheet? You don’t have to worry about that in our game. Which reminds me, I need to make a phone call to Doug Wilson after I finish up here.
  
• Jesse Jackson has never once voiced his displeasure with the NHL. Not because we have very few African-American athletes, but rather because our league just doesn’t provide enough of a public platform for him to bother us.
• The only vocal person you should be concerned with in our game is Don Cherry. If you do get on his bad side, however, just make a joke about French-Canadians or Europeans and you’ll be fine.

You have given so much and deserve much more than the sport of basketball has given you, Mr. Gilbert. If you buy the Phoenix Coyotes and join our hockey family…

I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE PHOENIX COYOTES WILL WIN THE STANLEY CUP

You can take it to the bank. Just ask the hockey fans in Vancouver or Detroit, I have the power to make things happen.

So how about it, Mr. Gilbert? Can I call you Danny, btw?

Let’s put an end to narcissism and shameful actions in the sports world togehter.

Signed,
Gary B. Bettman
Commissioner, National Hockey League

P.S.  In your letter you wrote:

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

This is news to me. Can you please clarify. Call me:  1-800-GARY-BETTS.

Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

The internet has provided hockey fans with a wealth of information right at their fingertips. However, as with any technology, some of the scripts that help run these sites do sometimes breakdown and spit out wrong information. We here at Blades of Funny did an in-depth analysis and uncovered some serious bugs. You’d think media companies with big budgets behind them would be able to pick up on these sorts of things quickly but hopefully after our exposé hits the fan they will be fixed.

Their script which assembles each team’s roster appears to have malfunctioned when you try to pull up the Calgary Flames. From what we have gathered, the bug seems to place random members of the Toronto Maple Leafs on the page. The time that we checked, we even saw Vesa Toskala listed as one of their goalies. Silly computers.

You would think that the league’s own website would be able to track each player’s game by game log without any errors. However, on Matt Cooke’s log there appears to be a bug that overrides suspensions. We first noticed this when the log showed that Cooke has played in every one of the Penguins games following his March 7th hit on Savard. This is a good example of how computers, while useful tools, can never replace the common sense of the human brain.

When pulling up player stats we saw something that, if true, would be one of the signs of the apocalypse. Under the Vancouver Canucks goalie stats, the TSN page told us that with 3 games left in the season, Andrew Raycroft has a better GAA and SV% than Roberto Luongo. I don’t know what parallel universe this TSN script is getting its stats from but it’s mind-boggling that it would make this sort of mistake.

EPSN’s media monster would be the last one you’d think would make such an egregious error as we found while browsing through their league standings. On that page, we found a team listed as playing in Phoenix. The kicker? ESPN also has them listed as having over 100 points. I mean c’mon now.

Usually we find Cap Geek very reliable when we’re searching for salary cap information. Recently however, we  found some gigantic errors on their website when we looked at the numbers listed under the Edmonton Oilers. Not only do they have the Oilers hugging up against the salary cap but we also saw outrageous multi-year contracts for numerous players — Shawn Horcoff at $5,500,000, Dustin Penner at $4,250,000, Sheldon Souray at $5,400,000, Tom Gilbert at $4,000,000 and Nikolai Khabibulin at $3,750,000. It’s almost like their script assumed that Sather is still running the team and Edmonton is just a slang term for “New York”.

We could not believe that a network that takes its hockey as seriously as the CBC does would be prone to such silly errors that we found when we looked at their Philadelphia Flyers page. Seems like their script believes that the team has goaltenders on their roster.  Sure, one would assume that since they spent to the cap that would include a goalie but this hasn’t been the case for over 10 years now. This is just another example of how computers can’t think outside the box like, say, a Paul Holmgren can.

If you are still reading this then you have made my day and I might just get plastered tonight to celebrate this moment. Now you know what you can do for me in return for entertaining you? Send money Follow me on twitter because I feel like a loser with so few internet friends. Internet friends are the new real friends and I missed the boat on that the last decade.