Blades of Funny went  4-4  predicting the 1st round. While this is my best record to date, one can’t help but wonder what could have been. Some miracles are just too hard to predict. Like the #8 Habs upsetting the #1 Caps;  the San Jose Sharks winning a round; or Brian Boucher stopping more than 50% of shots he faces. But that is why Vegas makes billions (well, it used to anyways), while I keep having to endure bloody back alley beatings.

Here are the 2nd round predictions which I’m willing to bet the house on. Hopefully, my landlord will allow me to do so.

Boston vs. Philadelphia

This series becomes the most watched hockey event in US history, thanks largely to Scott Hartnell’s and Dan Carcillo’s off-ice antics. Their WWE-style shenanigans bring in eyeballs by the bushel. Even ESPN leads with footage of players arriving\departing the arena as that is the hotbed for Hartnel’s and Carcillo’s ambush attacks on unsuspecting Bruins. The fun cames to an end after Game 5, when a limo driven by Carcillo rus over a nervous looking Marc Savard as he leaves the arena. Carcillo receives a $2500 fine and a 1-game suspension. Savard dies from his injuries.

On the ice, fans can see that the 1st round success has gone to Brian Boucher’s head. One game, in an attempt to showoff his new-found awesomeness, he plays blindfolded. In another game, he plays with only one pad; claiming it will become the latest fashion craze called boosh-style. Despite all this, the Bruins can’t score (largely due to Mark Recchi developing arthritis midway through Game 2). The Flyers pull out a 4-2 series victory.

Montreal vs. Pittsburgh

Jaroslav Halak starts shaky and by Game 3,  Habs fans are booing him relentlessly. Jacques Martin ponders starting Carey Price in Game 4, but decides against it. The Penguins end up sweeping the series.

Stunned Montreal fans and media wonder what happened to Halak. Their questions are finally answered a few days later by the man himself. Halak is quoted, “In order to perform my best, I need to be fueled by anger. With Carey not stealing a start from me in over 5 games, I just felt too comfortable.”

Vancouver vs. Chicago

The swagger quotient in this series is so high that at one point viewers think they are watching an on-ice rendition of The Outsiders. Many wonder how two teams who have won so little (nothing) can come off as cocky as these players do .

Kevin Bieksa throws cigarette butts at ‘Hawks players between faceoffs.

Kris Versteeg sports Dolce & Gabbana shades throughout the series.

Shane O’Brien keeps a flask filled with whiskey on the bench, which many thought contributes to his violent assault on Rick Bowness in Game 4.

Patrick Kane takes up chewing tobacco and keeps spitting it at Alex Burrows.

Ryan Kesler responds to every media question about a ‘Hawks player with just the word “coward”,  he is knocked out for good in Game 5 by Andrew Ladd.

Dustin Byfuglien spends the whole series chillin’ and smokin’ from a Hookah in Luongo’s crease.

In the end, it’s the Canucks who prevail in 7 games, leading the City of Vancouver to proclaim Canucks Day as a statutory holiday in British Columbia.

Detroit vs. San Jose

Ah, yes, the series which features the team everyone is tired of seeing in the playoffs vs. the team everyone is tired of hearing about in the regular season.

This series takes a strange turn after Game 4. With the teams tied 2-2, Nicklas Lidstrom shocks the world by announcing that he has negotiated the Red Wings’ surrender. Here is an excerpt from the Q&A portion of Lidstrom’s press conference:

Reporter #1: Why would you do this?
Lidstrom: After going 7 in the first round and being tied after 4 in this one, I just felt like our team had enough of this grind. We’re not spring chickens anymore and the prospect of another long playoff run didn’t appeal to us.
Reporter #2: When did you know that this was going to happen?
Lidstrom: Me and Raffy were sitting on the bench in Game 3, we were looking at Joe Thronton out there on the ice. We saw how hard he was trying to pretend like he cared. We both kind of looked at each other, and I said to Raffy that I don’t ever want to become THAT guy.
Reporter #3: So the series is over?
Lidstrom: Well, we still have to play the games to make it official, but there will be no hitting and we’ll let the Sharks win the remaining two games.
Reporter #4: What about this clause which states Zetterberg must be credited with a hat trick in the remaining games?
Lidstrom: Oh that, yeah, we felt bad for our fans about this whole surrender thing, but giving Z the hat trick allows our fans to get free curly fries, which is like our thank you gift to them. And besides, these days they seem to get more excited over the Arby’s promo than even a Cup win.

Joe Thornton, who as one of the alternate captains was part of the contingent negotiating the deal, has this to say: “It just feels good to finally contribute something to a Sharks’ playoff victory.”

Twitter

The Blades of Funny Twitter stream made for good laughs last night. Sadly, those laughs were at me and not with me like they usually are (right?).

It all happened after I had a little too much beer in my system (one bottle). As you will see, things got real cooky real fast…

I probably should have called it quits after this tweet:

Yup, that is a Canucks hashtag in a message regarding Hal Gill.

Why, you ask?

(That’s not me in that picture, I would never wear a green bracelet.)

Then I came up with this clever tweet:

Get it? Because he won’t have to deal with the anxiety of facing Matt Cooke again. It’s like a joke based on psychology stuff. Funny, no? … Anyone? … COME ON PEOPLE @#^$!!!!

That tweet did elicit a response from my fellow tweeters:

Sooooo yeah, turns out I didn’t factor in all the angles on that one…what can you do?

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

Credit: flickr MrNews1320

–Quick question: If Martin Brodeur asked you to choose a song for his summer soundtrack, which one would you choose? I’d go with Toby Keith’s “As Good As I Once Was”. The chorus for your reference:

I ain’t as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
But there was a time back in my prime
When I could really lay it down
And if you need some love tonight
Then I might have just enough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was

And to boot, the first verse contains a sister reference, so it’s a double score! Actually, if you factor in the fact that Marty and Toby have the same body-type, it’s a triple score!

What about for Lou Lamoriello? I’d choose David Bowie’s “The Man Who Sold The World”, a wonderful melody about a man who no longer recognizes who he used to be. Some sample lyrics for your reference:

We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn’t there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

And to boot, after the Kovalchuk trade, the title itself is quite fitting as well. Although, an improvised version of another song may be even more fitting for that storyline…

Old MacDonald had a farm,
ee i ee i oh
And on that farm all he had was Mattias Tedenby
ee i ee i oh no!

These are the things I think about in my waking hours. Don’t ask me why ’cause there really is no rhyme or reason to it.

—In fairness to Brodeur, Jonathan Willis wrote a pretty good piece in defense of Marty. I tend to agree with this, although after the Olympics and last year’s meltdown, it’s hard to argue that Marty has not lost some of his mystique.

–Are the Capitals the most difficult team to get a read on in this post-season? One period, they look like world beaters. The next, they look nervous and tentative. And they’re like that against the Habs, so imagine when the competition improves. I got the same vibe from them last year.

–Martin’s decision to start Price in game 4 is one that I don’t understand; the only good that could have come out of it is if Carey stole the game, and the chances of that ever happening — against the Caps, no less (he had a 3.39 GAA/.899 SV% in 4 games vs. WSH this season) — are what? 1 in 200?

–Please excuse me while I implement a savvy marketing strategy for this blog. (Tim Tebow will be a bust, Tim Tebow will be a star, Tim Tebow is Satan, Tim Tebow is God, Time Tebow wants you to watch hockey, Tim Tebow doesn’t want you to watch hockey, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow). Done. I just doubled traffic to this blog, and increased US hockey ratings tenfold. Saaaavvy! (I love that word.)

–I keep hearing about what a savvy (oh yeah!) signing Mikael Samuelsson was. While I do agree that it turned out really well for Vancouver, I do take objection to when people say it was the best. Without doubt (in my mind so take that for what it’s worth…ie: not much), Craig Anderson was the best off-season signing.

Now, let me rephrase what I just wrote in a “brash blogger” tone:

All the idiots who think that Mikael Samuelsson was the best signing this summer should be watching equestrian events instead of hockey because they know nothing about the sport. If they had half a brain, they’d know that Craig Anderson has been much more valuable to the Avs than anyone in the history of anything. Anyone who thinks otherwise should die. I AM AWESOME!

–Speaking of a “brash blogger tone”, here is a very calm and coherent piece by a Red Wings fan who doesn’t take things personally:

Those bi$#hes can suck it.  While Lidstrom may not deserve to win the Norris this season, he deserves to be a finalist.  No fauxing doubt about it.

By not voting for Lidstrom in a higher position, the pro hockey writers prove that they don’t watch hockey at all.  They put their blind faith in something far less useful.

Stats.  The pro hockey writers use stats as a crutch to replace actually watching lots of hockey.  It is now official.  The Norris Trophy will be the equivalent of the Art Ross Trophy for defenceman

[...]

There is no way Lidstrom is only the fourth best defenceman this season.  Stats have blinded you like chronic masturbation did in your teenage years.

I have to give him props for the “chronic masturbation” line, that’s solid material right there. If anybody knows him, tell him that I said LIDSTROM SUCKS!

–Actually, please don’t tell him that. I talk a big game online, but in reality, I am easily intimidated and not much of a fighter. This guy does seem like the type who will show up at my door and stab me in the eye with a pencil…I really don’t want a pencil in my eye.

Credit: flickr Teka England

–The Norris debate has been quite heated though. Anyone who is not a Capitals fan is hating on Mike Green. Why? If I were to venture a guess, it’s his personality that turns people off rather than his on-ice play. He’s the type of person that you either like or would like to stab in the eye with a pencil. No gray area.

–When people talk about studly young defensemen, the talk centers around Doughty, Green, Keith, Myers and Weber. One name that will surely be added to that list over the next year or two is Victor Hedman. In fact, I believe he’ll be the biggest reason preventing Doughty from Lidstromizing the Norris Trophy over the next decade.

–Erik Johnson will be right up there as well. Especially if he gives up the game of golf.

–The series I have been watching the most so far is Kings-Canucks. Great end-to-end action and all-around intrigue. That being said, the Kings fell apart like a Mr. Potato Head in the 3rd period of game 4. This video pretty much sums up the series since then (for those that don’t want to click over, it’s the Rypien-Clune fight). I also have to give kudos to Luongo for his big saves in said 3rd period. I’m sure he’ll be quite happy when he reads what I just wrote.

–The series I’ve been watching the least? Chicago-Nashville. Being that it’s always a game behind the rest, it comes off like the ugly stepsister of the first round. That, or maybe because I find nobody on the Preds very interesting to watch, save for Weber and Sullivan.

–With the disastrous seasons in Edmonton and Calgary, the comical events in Toronto and Montreal, and the general success in Vancouver, one team which hasn’t been getting enough play this year is Ottawa. Maybe it’s because Ottawa is just one big traffic jam, but still, they do deserve credit for what they have done this season. Bryan Murray and Cory Clouston managed to turn the franchise around despite distractions and injuries…and let’s not forget how adorable Clouston looks behind the bench.

This concludes “Serious Thoughts”. If you’re reading this, then that means you must think I am totally awesome. Why not get bigger piece awesome by following Blades of Funny on twitter. I promise you it’ll be awesome…and saaaaavvy!