Recently, I sent out a text message to various NHLers and asked them what makes them sad. Here’s what came back:

Sidney had some alpha male issues he was dealing with…

Ryan Miller’s text gave us a better understanding of why he was so passionate about the Hjalmarsson hit…

Patrick Kane came across like he’s calling out for help…

Nikolai Khabibulin also has his own demons he’s dealing with and doesn’t know why the league won’t help him…

In order to come to grips with why he’s still in Calgary, Iginla played the race card…

Race was also was an issue in the text sent back by Wayne Simmonds…

Chris Pronger is still dealing with the hurt he experienced from a misunderstanding that occurred last spring…

James Wisniewski also doesn’t understand why people have turned on him for something he considered as an innocent act…

Ondrej Pavelec voiced  his frustration of playing on a crappy team…

And finally, even though he wasn’t on the list of recipients of my original text, Tampa Bay backup goaltender Dan Ellis chimed in on the subject…

***

Don’t forget to follow Blades of Funny on Twitter. We’re almost at 1000 followers!

BoF Exclusive: Willie takes to the ice on Aug. 24th to prove he can still skate.

Maybe I’ve been inspired by Down Goes Brown’s ability to churn out high quality posts in a high pressure journalistic situation IN FREAKIN’ AUGUST! Or maybe, I just stopped smoking pot this week (kidding…why would I stop?). Whatever the case may be, here’s another post to keep my name in lights!

This is a new feature! Its tentative title is “Added Quotes” and consists of me taking actual quotes and then adding an extra sentence or two.

Let’s try a sample run. Quotes are by Willie Mitchell, taken from this Province article.

Actual Quote: “Who’s kidding who? Everyone knows I love playing in Vancouver”
Added: “But everyone knows Los Angeles has better weather, hotter women and a coach that I don’t despise with all my heart.”

Actual Quote: “The economics of the game got in the way of a lot of things”
Added: “That’s why I had to try my best to trick a team into believing the whole concussion thing is no longer a problem.”

Actual Quote: “Did the Vancouver Canucks or Willie Mitchell foresee me getting hit on Jan. 16 and this happening? No, we all didn’t.”
Added:: “It’s always hard to foresee getting cheap-shotted. In hindsight, though, you always have to be prepared for a cheap shot when there’s a Russian on the ice”

Actual Quote: [On wondering if he'd ever be back] “I’d be lying to anyone if I said I didn’t feel that for a little bit.”
Added: “Especially when that bastard Gillis wouldn’t return my phone calls until I could leave a coherent voice mail message.”

Actual Quote: “But then you start gradually getting better and you see that carrot and that light at the end of the tunnel.”
Added: “Then that carrot turns into $7 million and you’re like, ‘OK, things are back.’”

Actual Quote: “You talk to anyone who has been through that experience like me and, of course, you have that thought run through your mind for a little bit.”
Added: “Especially when you can’t understand what the other guy is mumbling over the phone.”

Actual Quote: “But negative energy can kill you.”
Added: “You know what else can kill you? That bastard f*ck Malkin.”

Actual Quote: “I think I’ve gotten better as a player, especially in years three and four in Vancouver. I started evolving my game.”
Added: “Once, I actually crossed into the offensive zone in a game. It was surreal.”

Actual Quote: “I started to become a better offensive player.”
Added: “Sorry, disregard the last sentence, that’s just my post-concussion thing acting up again.”

Actual Quote: “I’m looking forward to going to a team which, I get the feeling, is really passionate about having me there.”
Added: “As opposed to the Canucks, who didn’t really give a rats ass about me until Salo got hurt.”

Actual Quote: “They are a good young team maybe following in the footsteps of Chicago.”
Added: “I look forward to us tormenting the Vancouver organization like the Blackhawks did the last two years.”

There you have it!

Reminders:

This Thursday at 9pm EST – hear me talk nonsense as a guest on Rink Side Rants.

@bladesoffunny – if you prefer to read nonsense, follow me on Twitter.

RSS Feed – if you’re an advanced geek who uses an RSS reader, you can add the BoF feed.

Last night as I was falling asleep, a question popped into my head. In the summer time, is it easier to blog about a specific team or about the league as a whole?

I mean, think about it… blogging about the whole league means that you can only write about significant events; not the drab ones.

If I were, say, a Canucks blogger, I could write about the recent canning of assistant coach Ryan Walter (whoa!). If I were a Maple Leafs blogger, I could write my 18th article of the summer on potential Tomas Kaberle trade destinations (sweet!). And if were an Avs blogger, I could  just keep posting pictures of paint drying every day (awesome!).

But that’s not my fate. My fate is to bore you to death with the significant events. So let me proceed…

He's so smart! *slurp*

–Okay, really, this has to stop. This Steve Yzerman lovefest has to stop. For the love of god, stop it!

I have read so many positive articles about Steve Yzerman that at this point I think writers are just drones under his spell (DTV was right).

It’s downright silly, people!

Let me play devil’s advocate on Yzerman’s roster moves…

Traded Andrej Meszaros

From the information I have gathered about him, Meszaros is a decent two-way defenseman who will do fine as long as he is not counted on to be a #1 defenseman. Thus, in Philly he should excel.

But wait a second. In the next year or two, Hedman will most likely become the franchise defenseman he is destined to be, which would have allowed Meszaros to slide into the background and no longer play #1 minutes — a scenario better suited to Meszaros’ skill set.

So, um, maybe this wasn’t the big coupe we all thought it was.

Drafted Brett Connolly

There are red flags surrounding Connolly which I pointed out in my post-draft article.

Only time will tell if this was the right choice or not, but for now most of us can agree that this wasn’t “the safe pick.”

Re-signed Martin St. Louis

Okay, let me get this straight. Yzerman signs a 35-year-old St. Louis to an extension that will take the player to age 40 at an annual cap hit of $5.625m. And this is something that is considered a “great deal” and a “shrewd signing” by the hockey media? WOW!

Signed Dan Ellis

Hey, he seems like a nice guy. A nice guy who posted a 2.82 GAA and .904 SV% over the last two years on a defensively solid Nashville team. Oh yeah, and in the process lost his starting job to Pekka Rinne. So, umm, two thumbs up?

Signed Pavel Kubina

He signed Pavel Kubina! Amazing! He can teach Hedman how to shoot the puck. Gosh, coupled with Ohlund, half the blueline is there just to tutor Hedman.

Look, it’s not a bad signing but it’s not an “oh my god, yzerman is the smartest man in hockey!” type deal either.

Traded For Simon Gagne

The trade was a steal; no doubt about it. But let’s be honest here, with Simon holding his NTC and Gagne’s agent looking for a deal, this one pretty much fell into Yzerman’s lap.

Signed Dominic Moore

Nothing is a bigger example of the fellatio given to Yzerman by hockey writers than the signing of Dominic Moore.

Frank over at The Rat Trick pointed out that when Moore signed with the Panthers last season, nobody gave two you-know-whats.

What’s changed? This is the same Dominic Moore that’s been traded two years in a row for 2nd round picks; not exactly Selke material, right?

In conclusion, Tampa won’t make the playoffs and hockey writers everywhere will turn on Yzerman when he refuses their advances. Book it!

Mr. Lonely with no defense.

–Next up: Marty Turco.

Look, I get it. You drafted him in your fantasy leagues the past two seasons and he totally let you down. It’s frustrating, I know, but you have to let it go. He’s better than you give him credit for.

Matt Reitz wrote a piece on Turco, which totally echos my feelings on the matter…

Considering the fact that he was behind one of the worst defenses in the league, his numbers look even more impressive. To say that Turco had NO help last year might be overstating the Dallas blueline. Aside from Stephane Robidas, not one of the Stars defensemen would play more than 13 minutes per game for the Blackhawks. Instead of depending on Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook to slow down the oppositions’ best, he would count on Robidas, Nik Grossman, and the like. It’s like comparing apples to foie gras.

But with Turco, it’s a two-way street. Not only will his defense help limit the shots on goal and scoring chances, but Turco and his stick-handling will help keep those valuable defensemen out of harms way. He’s like having a 3rd defenseman to help make sure the other defensemen don’t get killed. Just ask Brent Seabrook, Kim Johansson, and Brian Campbell how it feels to get destroyed and ask if they would like someone help with outlet passes.

When talking about Turco, I never read much about how the Stars defense is made up of Robidas and a bunch of misfits. That’s sort of a big deal when discussing a goalie’s performance, right?

So… dare I say he’s an upgrade over Niemi? I do dare. And at $1.3m, he’s a steal, too! Plus he’ll make the Hawks even more entertaining to watch due to his magical puck-handling.

–Speaking of goaltenders, let me vent…

The trendy thing these days is to talk about how you don’t need a good goalie to win. In this conversation, people always point to Detroit, Chicago and Philadelphia.

That logic is MADDENING.

Those teams not only possess some of the best defensemen but they also possess the best defensive forwards in the game.

It’s all kosher when you’re putting a Mike Richards, a Datsyuk or a Toews up front and possess a back end that includes a Keith, a Pronger or a Lidstrom. But how many teams have such players? Exactly.

Give me Luongo, Lundqvist or Brodeur any day of the week. I’ll only settle for Niemi if I’m one of the handful of teams that already has a Keith, a Seabrook and a Toews type on my roster.

–I make fun of  the signing quite a bit because it’s fun to pile on Darryl Sutter, but if I were to pick one guy for “comeback player of the year” next season, it’d be Jay Bouwmeester.

He’s a pretty good defenseman, even if he was never as good as the hype that surrounded him upon becoming a free agent (happens every year). Smooth skating, 26-minutes-per-game workhorse who will put up more points this year than last. Bank on it.

When Erik Johnson found out how much Gomez makes, he got really pissed.

–Let’s talk about Erik Johnson signing for 2 years at $2.6m per…

That seems kind of  low to me. Granted, he’s still raw, but he does possess all the skills to be an upper-echelon blueliner. If he makes a big leap this year, he’ll be a huge bargain.

I guess you can make a case that it’s fair value, though, if you compare it to Jack Johnson’s 2-year contract at $1.425m per. However, in my opinion, Jack was a much bigger question mark heading into last season than Erik is right now.

Also, if you look at someone like Alex Edler in Vancouver who signed a 4 year/$3.25m-per deal in ’08, it makes the Erik’s deal seem like a complete steal. Edler is still raw and has nowhere near the upside of Erik.

So yeah, I guess I’ll stick with my original thought that Erik needs to get a new agent.

–Matt Greene is set to miss the start of the season after undergoing shoulder surgery. This led to people to begin speculating about a Kaberle to LA trade.. Granted, the Kings kinda sorta  could use a defenseman right about now but Greene is as defensive of  a defenseman as one can be. On the flip side, Kaberle is as non-defensive of a defenseman as one can be. So, umm, not really sure how people equate Greene going down to Lombardi saying, “must get Kaberle now!” *shrug*

–A couple nights ago, I listened to a Montreal station and they were talking about Carey Price and Jaroslav Halak. The host said something that I never really hear much from the mainstream media but totally agree with.

What did he say, you ask?

He said…

I think Halak is overrated.

Preach on, brother!

–Have you seen this picture of a  billboard in LeBron James’ hometown yet?

Funny stuff. Toronto needs to put one up for Chris Bosh but they won’t because, umm, he’s Chris Bosh. Ha.

–Last but not least, you need to follow me on Twitter because that’s where all the cool kids hang out and you don’t want to be a Twitterless loser right? Peer pressure!

Okay, maybe summer ain't that bad, after all.

It’s the end of July. We’ve officially reached the period where I’m ready for summer to end.

I’m not a summer guy. I don’t like excessive amounts of heat. I’m a fall/winter guy. I like rain and snow –  it’s calm and peaceful.

But here we are.

A month and a half to go until each team’s fan base anoints a preseason standout as their team’s next big thing. Optimism will run rampant. Bets will be made on how many records he’ll shatter.

In a related note, we’re two and a half months away from each one of those preseason studs plying their traits in the AHL or CHL, much to the dismay of local fans who’ve already purchased their jerseys.

But for now, there’s nothing to write about…

–I could write about Maxime Talbot calling Ovechkin “a real douche.” But what sort of analysis could I add to a statement that was based on truth?

–I guess I could write about the recent signings.

–Alexei Ponikarovsky signed with the Kings for $3.2m. Alexander Frolov signed with the Rangers for $3.0m. Both contracts seem about right. Both players will drive fans of their new teams crazy. And both will take their talents to Avangard Omsk in 2011. So, yeah.

–Mason Raymond and Matt Moulson both avoided arbitration and signed ~$2.5m deals with their respective teams, proving once again that one good season in the NHL is the real-life equivalent to winning the lottery.

–One little side note on the Mason Raymond signing: A radio sports show host in Vancouver — and I stress “host” (not “caller”) — said he was initially fearful that the upper-end of Raymond’s contract would be $4.0-$4.5m. Yes, some things are better kept to oneself.

–Andrew Ladd signed for $2.35m, which is damn good for the team. Maybe Ladd should hire a new agent ’cause I’m pretty sure I’d be able to get him more.

–Fabian Brunnstrom re-signed with the Stars for $625k. I’m shocked he has yet to live up to the hype which surrounded him upon his arrival in North America. I mean, most 23-year-old guys who play beer-league hockey in Europe (take that Swedish Elite League!) usually become difference makers when they cross the pond, no?

–That’s pretty much it for the signings that caught my eye (sorry, Mr. Fleschmann and Mr. Perron).

–Hmm, what else can I write about?

–Did you guys hear that the word out of DC is that 2009 1st rounder (24th overall) Marcus Johansson may be the Caps’ answer to fill their 2C void. Here’s a Washington Post article hyping him up a bit. Yes, you’re right, there’s a little too many Nicklas Backstrom comparisons for my liking in that article. Mind you, if he does take the 2C spot, I imagine he’ll be an upgrade over old-man Morrison.

–I’m sure you know at least three people who are going to call the Thrashers the”Atlanta Hawks” this season, and they’ll find it utterly hilarious. A better nickname, however, would be “Chitlanta.” Read it aloud. Okay, on second thought, it’s not much better.

My editor in Angola.

–If you haven’t heard, Down Goes Brown has joined the National Post. In a related story, I’m putting the finishing touches on my contract to become the “hockey insider” for a national paper in Angola. All I have to do is convince them the sport actually exists.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. Water not get hard. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”

–I got a kick out of reading some of the articles on Puck Daddy this week which involved quotes from Russian hockey guys.

There’s this one which includes an interview with Frolov’s agent. Take it away, Sergei Isakov…

The Kings started slow negotiations with Frolov again. I think that Los Angeles is actually concentrating on signing Kovalchuk. [...]  And it was so happening that Frolov’s future in Los Angeles depended on someone else. And it wasn’t nice.

Read the last sentence in Borat voice.

Don’t you know how people are treated in the NHL? If a player has a year left on his contract it is necessary to spoil his season in order not to sign him for big money. That’s what happened with Frolov.

Conspiracy!

Moreover, right now Frolov is almost in New York. He left from one major US city to another, now in the East. It’s a huge city with a lot of temptations.

“Huge city with a lot of tempations?” Lol, was that really necessary to say?

Then there’s this article with quotes from KHL’s President. Take it away, Alexander Medvedev…

I would like to congratulate all hockey fans, especially from St. Petersburg. One of our most renowned and titled defensemen Denis Grebeshkov is coming back to Russia.

Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

He is doing it at the best age for a player – in October he will be 27 years old.

With Grebeshkov’s arrival, the average age of a KHLer now drops to 38.4.

The greatest ever?

The contract is for two years on standard terms. It shows once again that modern hockey players clearly understand why this contract structure is in effect this year. There were no objections from Grebeshkov as to why the contract is a ‘70-30′

Sounds to me like some other free agents didn’t quite like the “70-30″ contract structure and this Medvedev’s way of telling them that they’re not “modern hockey players.” Well played.

I know that Grebeshkov wanted to continue his career in the NHL. And I think that Edmonton made a big mistake by sending to Nashville such a defenseman.

Harsh. Not only are the Oilers having to put up with crap from Souray and Ethan Moreau, they’re also getting trash-talked by the President of the KHL. Damn.

Maybe Denis didn’t have a good season due to an injury. But he fully recovered and he didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs, just like the rest of the Predators. Although we remember that Nashville was only in one round of the playoffs.”

“Didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs.” Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

Then there’s Medvedev’s pandering to Kovalchuk…

He told Pavel Lysenkov of Sovetsky Sport that SKA St. Petersburg of KHL “easily offer Ilya Kovalchuk a contract for the same 17 years like New Jersey … If Kovalchuk likes number 17 that much.”

Kovalchuk comes off like he’s a preschooler who really, really just wants stuff that matches up with his favorite number. I’m guessing his 2nd favorite number is 102,000,000.

And then there’s a required shot at the NHL…

I haven’t spoken with him myself. I don’t want to make his difficult situation any worse. Instead of taking a rest and training, Kovalchuk has to get ready for a court hearing. And these cases, as we know, are unpredictable. There were a lot of instances when players chose to find a peaceful solution with clubs right before hearings.

Going by this quote, it sounds like Medvedev has confused “RFA salary” arbitration with “is the contract legal?” arbitration. Unless I’m missing something and Kovalchuk does have to prove he’s worth $102m going forward. If that’s the case, it is a difficult situation for him to be in, especially when you consider he’s not resting or training.

–So yeah, not much to write about in the middle of summer. Maybe I’ll just talk about my Twitter account which has over 870 followers.

–Rumor has it that Alexander Medvedev is a follower. That would why I’m getting tweets like this sent to me: “Mr. Funny Blades, please make joke about Oilers for moving Great Grebeshkov away. HAHAHA”

–I hope you’re all enjoying your summer. I’ve packed up my DVD player and a couple discs which have hockey games on them, and I’m off to Angola to prove the sport does in fact exist.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. This thing called electricity not real and devil machine you bring me with discs not work. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”

This is my blogging outfit.

I’ve amassed over 800 followers on Twitter; I think it’s time for me to get a little smug. Since the “King” moniker is taken, I think I’m going to call myself  “Emperor” from now on.

“Emperor Blades of Funny”

I like the sound of that.

I wonder if my wife will go along with this new moniker? If she doesn’t, I’ll just have to remind her that I have over 800 followers, which makes me an online celebrity of sorts… and I can do better!

Yes, flat out lie to her until she caves.

Anyhoo, I know you’re dying to get my thoughts on the hockey world so let’s get to them, my loyal subjects…

–First up, I find it utterly amusing that people are trying to defend the Mikko Koivu contract as something other than an “overpayment” by a team desperate to retain their only core forward.

Michael Russo made the following tweets in defense of the signing:

I love all these overpaid comments. This had to be paid to retain him. What were the contracts of the last big centers to hit market?

Sundin, Briere, Drury, Gomez since new CBA came into existence. Sorry, Henrik Sedin was unique. Big centers get their $$ in free agency

I think everyone would agree that the examples listed are bad contracts, thus it doesn’t detract anything from the argument that Koivu was overpaid.

I like Koivu. I’d rather have him than any of the players listed above or someone like Plekanec at $5m (who I also think was paid too much over  too long of a term). But I’d rather have Mike Richards or Ryan Kesler on my team. The former is signed until age 35 at a cap hit of $5.75m, the latter until age 32 at $5m — now, I know they signed their contracts while still being restricted but I think both players compare to Koivu better than anyone else in the league and both gave up a good chunk of their UFA years when they signed their contracts.

At the end of the day, Koivu was overpaid by at least $1 million a year, in my opinion.

The Wild saw the oft-injured Gaborik ($7.5m) and the elder Rolston ($5m) walk in free agency and some say that they couldn’t risk that with Koivu. Blah, I say. The Rolston contract is a bad one and the Gaborik contract is a risky one. To me, Minnesota made the right choices there and have nothing to be ashamed of.

I read others who wrote that Koivu’s agent thought he’d be able to get $7 million on the open market. I doubt it, but even if that would turn out to be true, it doesn’t make it smart. I’m sorry, but I think the smart general managers are the ones who don’t take on contracts that could backfire.

The best case scenario is that Koivu lives up to the contract because I’m sure as sure can be that he won’t be able to surpass it. The contract provides no upside for the Wild and the potential to be really sucky (in my professional blogger opinion). And that’s why I think Koivu is overpaid!

–Prove me wrong, Mikko. Prove me wrong!

–As I’m writing this, Ilya Kovalchuk’s contract was rejected by the NHL. Should be great fun to see what happens next in this saga.

Hey, you think Lamoriello snitched on his owner to Bettman about this one? Yeah, I’m thinking he did.

–Did you hear that Simon Gagne was traded to Tampa for Matt Walker? I’m totally convinced that Holmgren just wants to be Yzerman’s friend and is doing his best to facilitate that process.

Contract up? High five!

–Let’s talk about the Los Angeles Kings and the belief that they’re missing out on everybody this off-season…

I’ve read the Kings need a top-4 defenseman. They have Doughty, Jack Johnson, Scuderi and Greene. They are one or two years away from icing Thomas Hickey (potential top-4 offensive defenseman) and Colten Teubert (physical defenseman who is raw but has the potential to be a top-4 defenseman even with the setbacks).

This is why I was surprised that the Kings were in the running to sign Paul Martin. With Doughty (should get at least $6m) and Johnson (could get $3m if he builds on his progress from last season) up, I’m not sure throwing $5m on another defenseman would have been prudent. If I was the Lombardi, I’d just try to bring in some lower-priced talent like Andy Sutton to bridge the gap to Hickey and Teubert.

I’ve read the Kings need a second line center. Jarret Stoll is signed for the next two years. He’s decent filler as a 2C until Brayden Schenn is ready to assume that role.

I’ve read that the Kings need a left winger. This one I agree with. Kovalchuk would have been a good fit (other than the potential future cap problems) but Gagne would have been an even better fit.

If they managed to get Gagne, they would have gotten the LW help they need without any long-term money commitment that could screw them cap-wise in the future. Gagne really was THE perfect fit. I can only assume that Simon wouldn’t waive his NTC to go to LA because I’m pretty certain that Lombardi was offering something better than Matt Walker.

Now, I imagine they’d probably have to sign either Frolov, Ponikarovsky or maybe even Paul Kariya. All of whom come with their own set of issues.

–Adrian Dater recently put up his top 10 goalie list, which is good for two things: 1) traffic to his article, and 2) causing outrage amongst the internet masses.

I AM OUTRAGED AT THE LIST!

Nah, I’m just mildly amused how anyone could put Bryzgalov (#2) and Craig Anderson (#4) ahead of Roberto Luongo (#5) and Henrik Lundqvist (#8). Smells like recency bias to me.

For the record, if this Emperor had to create a list of goalies he’d want for the upcoming season, it would look like this:

1. Martin Brodeur – The surest thing in goal until he proves otherwise — which, at 38, he may very well do this season.
2. Roberto Luongo – He had an off year, but my money is on him to bounce back, especially with no chance of ever seeing Byfuglien in the playoffs again.
3. Henrik Lundqvist – I have him at #3 because he deserves some respect, dammit! Plus, he’s been a pillar of my fantasy teams for years so I’m biased (like Dater with his Craig Anderson at #4 pick).
4. Ryan Miller – Based on last season, he should be at the top, but let’s see him do it again before we anoint him “great”.
5. Tomas Vokun – Back-to-back years of a .925 SV% can’t be ignored, even though they’re probably due to opposing players just flicking it on goal to kill time.
6. The rest are all interchangeable filler based on year to year. Probably would have Niklas Backstrom at #6, although he’s better as a #1 center (ha ha, I so funny!).

And there you have it! A list that you can NOT argue with because it’s PERFECT and AMAZING and JUST WHOA! (If you do argue, I’m just going to ignore you… or worse: call you “unsmart!”).

–That is all for now. If you’re not following on Twitter, please do so. When I get to 1000 followers, I’ll change my moniker again, from “Emperor” to “God” and that’s going to be…AWESOME!