Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

While another mega-sports star does irreparable damage to his image, here are a few thoughts going through my little brain…

At least Tiger got laid before f**king things up.

–I’m sorry to do this to you but I just have to talk about LeBron. So with that, goodbye, loyal reader. I hardly knew ye!

Growing up, I was a huge basketball fan. If hockey was #1, basketball was #1a. I loved playing the sport, I loved following the sport. Most of my friends felt the same (some minus the playing part if they sucked at it!).

Then something happened.

During the 2002/03 season, I started to lose most of my interest in the NBA. It’s probably no coincidence that that timeline corresponds with the emergence of today’s new news culture and the rise of the even more selfish, self-absorbed athlete. For me, it became hard to get behind players like Shaq or Vince Carter, whom I saw as giant jackasses. These sorts of “personalities” were all over the league. The culture around basketball made the NBA the biggest victim of this “me first” trend.

Many of the players in the Jordan era had huge egos. Jordan himself had a massive ego. But you know what? The public’s access to a player’s “personality” at that time was more controlled and nothing like it is now. Jordan’s ego was never this exposed.

Last night’s LeBron show was a climax of this trend which showcases athletes seeking fame and attention over respect for the sport. I never cared much for LeBron but I can see how he became a victim of the times. On the other hand, he’s a narcissistic clown so whatever.

But you know what? I watched last night. And I’ll probably watch more NBA games next season than I did last. So who gets the last laugh?

Hopefully, we all will when the Heat get knocked out of the playoffs next year. Haa haa!

And also when LeBron’s jersey and sneaker sales fall through the floor. Haa haa!

And also when Bosh demands a trade in two years because he got jealous that Wade and James went out to dinner without him. Haa haa!

In the end, I’m just glad hockey players are who they are. We just need to make sure that we keep our kids away from the influence of Patrick Kane.

–Kovalchuk still hasn’t signed. The Kings are rumored to be back into the mix and then rumored to be out of the mix and then rumored to be in the mix. It’s quite crazy, actually.

I’d like to see him sign in Los Angeles. It’s a good fit on a team that’s already fun to watch.  It’ll be interesting to see how, if he does sign in LA, it will affect the team a couple years down the road. Especially if guys like Schenn, Bernier, Teubert and Hickey also turn out to be better than average NHLers. Though, I’m sure Dean Lombardi will figure it out since he comes across smarter than 95% of GMs in the league.

–Matt Reitz wrote a great piece analyzing Stan Bowman’s work in Chicago. Give it a read.

It’s sad to see that team broken apart because they all seemed to genuinely like each other and they all fit great together. However, let’s not fool ourselves, none of the pieces they let go are irreplaceable. The players Bowman has brought in, like Matt wrote, have the potential to be solid replacement cogs for the departed ones.

That said, there’s something about Stan that just rubs me the wrong way. I can’t articulate it but let’s just say that I wouldn’t trust him around my wife. Ha.

Look at the emotion!

–The Canucks have announced that they are going to retire Markus Naslund’s number #19 to the rafters. Keep in mind that Gillis was Naslund’s former agent, so there’s another conspiracy brewin’ in Vancouver.

Does Naslund deserve it? Meh. He wasn’t a very captivating figure and didn’t lead the Canucks to any playoff success. But he did score 40 goals three times so he ranks right up there with the Zigmund Palffys of the world. Yay, Ziggy!

On the other hand, he’ll always be linked in a way to the franchise’s most famous moment: The Bertuzzi. So he’s got that going for him.

Anyways, to me, Pavel Bure — no matter the falling out at the end — deserves a jersey in the rafters of Mr. Rogers Arena (I refuse to give any publicity to the  media company!) more than Naslund. Bure put Vancouver on the hockey map. Sure, he may have been a bit of a diva at the end but on the bright side, he never held a 1-hour special when he split town.

–With Germany out of the World Cup, I no longer have to cheer for them after losing a bet to BoF reader Rouven. Speaking of which, he hasn’t been around this week so hopefully the loss didn’t cause him to go into a self-induced schweinebraten and wiener schnitzel coma.

–As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter, a place where I have lots of fun with LeBron’s and Bosh’s twitter accounts:

Quick post to wrap up my thoughts on day 1 of free agency.

My three favorite signings:

1. Zbynek Michalek – I’ve been really high on Michalek and at a $4 million cap hit, the Penguins got themselves a gem of a shutdown guy. I prefer Michalek at $4m over Martin at $5m.
2. Dan Hamhuis – Like any free agent, he’s been talked-up a bit more than he probably deserves but while the term may be a bit high, a $4.5m cap hit is more than fair for a guy who will slot in on the top pairing in Vancouver.
3. Colby Armstrong – I like this signing by Burke and I’m quite surprised that many people don’t. Colby is a great character guy in the room, he goes hard and is responsible defensively. I just think he’s a very good fit for the Leafs and for what Burke is trying to do there (even if he’s paid $500,000 more than you’d optimally like).

My three least favorite signings:

1. Sergei Gonchar – Giving the 36-year-old a 3 year contract at $5.5m per is asking for trouble. If he was 34 then I could see this but at this point in his career, it can backfire fast. Injuries, defensive concerns, and tapered play due to age are all very realistic risks. I think the Senators would have been much better off if they targeted Michalek instead.
2. Derek Boogaard – Unless he was hired to assassinate Crosby, Ovechkin and every other star in the East, it still boggles my mind as to why Sather would give him $1.625m over FOUR YEARS!!! Crazy.
3. Dan Ellis – People seem to like the 30-year-old Ellis, which I assume is due to the 37 games he started in 07/08 (and went 23-10 with 2.34 GAA and a .924 SV%). Since then he’s been below-average at best. I just don’t see him as being anything more than a backup who should max out at 20 games a year.

Some more quick thoughts before I head off to bed:

1. The Jokinen thing makes for great laughs but at $3 million, hockey-wise, it’s not a bad contract. If you take out all the drama around it, we may look back and say, “hey, that turned out alright.”
2. It seems like the hype around Volchenkov getting $5m+ was more smoke and mirrors. At $4.25m, it’s fair value without much, if any, UFA inflation.
3. No contract given today really shocked me besides the Boogaard and Gonchar’s term. If Gonchar received $5.5m on a 1-year deal, I’d have no problem with it. The rest were all inline with my thinking, give or take $500,000.
4. Actually, that’s not true. I did think that Chris Mason would have gotten more than he did. That’s why I think Yzerman should have chosen him over Ellis. Then again, maybe Mason didn’t want to go to Tampa.
5. While the top UFAs didn’t get shocking money, they did get their fair share of term. Martin, Hamhuis, Volchenkov and Michalek all got 5 or 6 years each. That’s a long commitment, especially to Martin and Volchenkov.
6. I kept hearing that the Kings were interested in Martin. I’m not sure that would have been a good fit especially if they also plan on getting Kovalchuk. They need to have some flexibility going forward to avoid a Blackhawks problem and committing $5m to Martin wouldn’t have given them that.
7. Speaking of which, are the Blackhawks still the Blackhawks? They’ve sure taken one hit after another the past 10 days.

That’s all from me. It was a pretty fun day. Don’t forget to follow along on Twitter if you’re not already doing so. Don’t forget!

This post is going to part serious and part humor. The serious part consists of me seriously trying to predict where the top unrestricted free agents will land. The humor part will come on July 1st when all my picks are wrong. Sounds like fun, no?  Let’s go! (Please keep in mind that I’m just talking out of my butt.)

Kovalchuk: he's the top dawg... and he knows it!

Ilya Kovalchuk: Los Angeles Kings at a $9m cap hit.
The Kings will be up against the cap after this signing which may cause them some headaches in the coming years. But for now: enjoy the ride!

Anton Volchenkov: Anaheim Ducks at $6m.
I’m crazy you say? Well, of course. But with Scotty retired, the Ducks need to make a splash and have the cap room to outbid other teams for the hulking Russian. Overpaid? You bet! Especially when there’s…

Zbynek Michalek: Washington Capitals at $3.5m.
Michalek presents the best blueline value, in my opinion. He’s solid in his own zone and will come cheaper than Volchenkov which will allow the Caps to go after a decent 1A goalie as well.

Dan Hamhuis: Vancouver Canucks at $4.75m.
This signing pretty much paves the way for the departure of Kevin Bieksa. Whichever team  dumb enough to trade for Bieksa will be rewarded with a player who makes dumb plays all the time. A match made in heaven, if you will.

Sergei Gonchar: Dallas Stars at $4.5m.
He’ll get his money but with his age and recent injury history, I wouldn’t touch him.

Evgeni Nabokov: Philadelphia Flyers at $5m OR KHL at $15m and 100 gallons of oil.
Whooooa!!! I just went out on a massive limb. I feel like an anonymous hockey blogger! Nah, he’ll most likely sign in the NHL but I have no clue as to what team he makes the most sense with. Especially at a $5m cap hit.

Chris Mason: Washington Capitals at $3.5m.
If it comes down to Mason or Turco., I’d be shocked if any GM would actually prefer the latter. If this happens, it’s a good signing. So make it happen!

(BoF edit: According to a reader comment, this is unlikely. But hey, maybe the Caps will use the money to target Lombardi who I also goofed up on in this post. See below.)

(BoF edit #2: I’m changing Mason’s team to Tampa. However, if he signs in Washington, I’m sticking with my original thought. Win-win!  Unless he signs with any of the other 28 teams, in which case I’ll continue looking like an idiot.)

Paul Martin: New Jersey Devils at $4.5m.
I think both parties will come around and keep Martin in Jersey. If not, maybe the Devils will sign Gonchar instead and regret it later.

Matthew Lombardi: Pittsburgh Penguins at $3.5m.
And the endless Crosby winger-matching continues. This one may work out well (or maybe not).

(BoF edit: I’m pretty retarded. Lombardi is a center but for some reason this morning I was convinced he played the wing in Calgary prior to going to Phoenix. So yeah, scratch this one off the list ’cause the Pens need another center like I need more arguments with the wife!!!)

Russia: Verrrrry Nice!

Alexander Frolov: KHL.
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, will pay him the $5 million I read that his agent is seeking in North America. If the price of oil falls, he may even have a hard time getting that in Russia (nah, that’s a lie because the extortion cash will always be there).

Willie Mitchell: Pittsburgh Penguins at $3m.
This can work out great if he’s healthy, or be a disaster if he’s not. Either way, it’s the least the Penguins can do to apologize after Malkin knocked him out.

Marty Turco: Philadelphia Flyers or San Jose Sharks at $2.5m.
If the Nabokov thing doesn’t work out, I’m thinking the Flyers take a flyer (haha) on Turco. He’ll come cheap because, well, he’s been having a rough time since the trapezoid was implemented. Those little lines cost him millions. Or maybe it was his realivitly sh*ty play that cost him (who knows with these things).

Olli Jokinen: Calgary Flames at $5m. JUST KIDDING! GodKnowsWhere at $3m.
I have a hard time finding a fit for him. However, you can be assured that wherever he goes, he’ll manage to royally screw things up. He’s the Milbury of hockey players these days. Maybe, just maybe, he may turn out well in the right spot. It’s happened before.

Pavel Kubina: Tampa Bay Lightning at $3.5m.
I can see him going to a few different teams but chose Tampa because I feel they really need another 3-4 defenseman-type. This should be a good fit for him, in my opinion.

Tom Lydman: New York Islanders at $3.5m.
Another defenseman that can fit on a number of teams who are looking to add depth to their blueline. He’ll be a decent 3-4 blueliner and the Isles are a good fit.

Henrik Tallinder: Buffalo Sabres at $3.5m.
And yet another defenseman who can fill out the depth chart as a 3-4 guy. He was Lydman’s partner in Buffalo and I’m thinking they keep at least one of them. My thinking is always wrong, though, so there you go.

Joe Corvo: Columbus Blue Jackets $2.5m.
He should help out with the Jackets powerplay. Maybe he’ll get $3m. Maybe. But probably not.

Colby Armstrong: Pittsburgh Penguins at $2.0m.
Colby makes his triumphant return to Pittsburgh! Nah, probably won’t happen because he’ll go after the money and should get around $3m somewhere else. Stay tuned, Sid may start tearing up if Colby doesn’t come back.

Ray Whitney, Alex Tanguay, Alexei Ponikarovsky, Lee Stempinak.
All three should get somewhere between $2m to $3m. Whitney may get a tad more if  he signs a one year contract. Too hard to predict where they end up because it could be anywhere. Even Russia. And I don’t have my KHL roster reports handy.

Paul Kariya's Ride

Pavol Demitra, Paul Kariya.
Whichever team signs them better invest in a new CT Scan machine and some extra doctors. Whichever GM signs either one for more than $1.5m better stick his brain into said CT Scan machine.

This concludes my look into the UFA class. There are others but they all suck! (with all due apologizes to Antero Niittymaki).

Oh, and one last thing before I go. Even the worst hockey player that signs a contract on Thursday will make more money than you or I. Soooooo, the only thing we have left is laughter. The more we make fun of hockey players, the more we’re able to hide our inadequacies. Man Rule #425.

Now that I’ve put myself out there, it’s time for you to mock me to no end on Twitter. You can do so by following me here.

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Let me start off by sharing my pick for the Finals. I’ve spent the past few days stressed out ’cause of this pick. This is because I’ve gone 7-7 with my predictions this postseason and everything (including the reputation of Blades of Funny as the world’s most credible source for hockey information) rides on not falling below .500.

I’ve wrestled back and forth for hours, it was quite gay actually, but I finally settled on the Blackhawks in 7.

I look at it like this:

1. The goaltending is a draw (one thing I learned in these playoffs is that making funny of Philly netminding just comes back to make me look more foolish every time).
2. The defensemen are a draw (even though I’d take Seabrook-Ketih over any tandem in the league, Chris Pronger is a bastard who can be a difference maker).
3. The forwards are a draw (both teams are stacked).
4. The coaching is a draw (both coaches have done a solid job for their teams; if Philly wins the new trend in hockey may be to fire your coach mid-season if you want to win the Cup).
5. Even the anthem singing is a draw.

I’m giving it to Chicago because I don’t want Carcillo to have the Stanley Cup for a day. For if he does, we may never see the Cup again. (I’m sure he’d figure out a way to trash the second one that’s in the Hall of Fame , too,  and that’d be the end of that).

On to the links…

Down Goes Brown – Dipping into the archives, we find a young wide-eyed DGB blogging about Game 6 of the 1993 Western Conference Finals. This is so well done that I worry about this man’s sanity; It almost seems like he’s been watching that game on a loop for the past 17 years.

Puck Daddy - Greg takes an in-depth look at Vince Vaughn, the Chicago Blackhawks fan. Now, I agree with Greg that “Fred Claus” was an atrocious movie, but I just watched “Four Christmasses” a little while back and it was pretty funny. The best friend marrying his mom part had me laughing quite a bit.

Intent To Blow – Flyers fan Tasered in NJ office for being an insufferable douche. I really hope that the Flyers fans take things to another level in these Finals. As much as it may not be politically correct to say, I do find random beatdowns and assaults at sporting events entertaining (as long as they aren’t happening to me, of course).

Don’t Trade Vinny – I’m including this link for no other reason than that this guy has been cyber-stalking me on Twitter demanding a link; I had no choice but to bow down to his demands. I tell ya, what some people will do for a few extra hits.

TMZ – Look! A  hockey guy makes TMZ. That’s great news for growing the sport. Going to read it now … umm, never mind.

Deadspin – Look! A hockey guy makes Deadspin because of his daughter, going to read it now against my better judgement … Conclusion:  THIS one is not creepy!

National Post – If you ever wanted to see Tyler Seguin’s “O” face, you’re in luck.

TSN – Prospects handle tough questions during NHL Combine. Let me take a stab at a few:

What would you like better, a gun, or a good poem?

Is the gun loaded with unlimited bullets? If so, the gun. If not, the gun. So yeah, the gun without question.

If you were getting invaded by a country in a war and you had to take one family member with you, who would it be?

Take them where? Another country? Are there no immigration laws? Am I able to take a friend instead? Can I take the gun in the question above, shoot Mike Fisher, and take Carrie Underwood instead? I NEED MORE INFO HERE, GUYS!

Toronto Sun – I’m surprised we haven’t yet heard Brian Burke proclaim that he’s going to go after Hall or Seguin in the draft. Last year, his “going after” Tavares attitude was quite amusing. I guess this year he figures it’s best to lay low and pretend like there is no draft.

Cult of Hockey – Oilers play-by-play man Rod Phillips retires. As a hockey geek, I’ve listened in to quite a few Oilers games and Rod has a unique gift to make every game sound exciting. Try to comprehend that for a second: he makes Edmonton Oilers games sound exciting. Good God, that’s remarkable really.  Truly one of the best in the biz.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week: Puck Daddy, Five for Howling,  The Rat Trick. Sorry if I missed anyone. Thanks to all those that RT’d on Twitter and shared BoF on message boards.

Speaking of Twitter, I’m now up to 616 followers. I’m not “tweeting” as much lately but when inspirations strikes, I shall be there!

Closing Thought: I’m quite geeked for the World Cup. I guess you could say I’m a soccer fan — I don’t think any Euros or South Americans read this blog so I don’t have to call it “football” — in the same way that some people are hockey fans only during the Olympics. Still, the World Cup probably ranks as my favorite sporting event. Period.