BoF Exclusive: Willie takes to the ice on Aug. 24th to prove he can still skate.

Maybe I’ve been inspired by Down Goes Brown’s ability to churn out high quality posts in a high pressure journalistic situation IN FREAKIN’ AUGUST! Or maybe, I just stopped smoking pot this week (kidding…why would I stop?). Whatever the case may be, here’s another post to keep my name in lights!

This is a new feature! Its tentative title is “Added Quotes” and consists of me taking actual quotes and then adding an extra sentence or two.

Let’s try a sample run. Quotes are by Willie Mitchell, taken from this Province article.

Actual Quote: “Who’s kidding who? Everyone knows I love playing in Vancouver”
Added: “But everyone knows Los Angeles has better weather, hotter women and a coach that I don’t despise with all my heart.”

Actual Quote: “The economics of the game got in the way of a lot of things”
Added: “That’s why I had to try my best to trick a team into believing the whole concussion thing is no longer a problem.”

Actual Quote: “Did the Vancouver Canucks or Willie Mitchell foresee me getting hit on Jan. 16 and this happening? No, we all didn’t.”
Added:: “It’s always hard to foresee getting cheap-shotted. In hindsight, though, you always have to be prepared for a cheap shot when there’s a Russian on the ice”

Actual Quote: [On wondering if he'd ever be back] “I’d be lying to anyone if I said I didn’t feel that for a little bit.”
Added: “Especially when that bastard Gillis wouldn’t return my phone calls until I could leave a coherent voice mail message.”

Actual Quote: “But then you start gradually getting better and you see that carrot and that light at the end of the tunnel.”
Added: “Then that carrot turns into $7 million and you’re like, ‘OK, things are back.’”

Actual Quote: “You talk to anyone who has been through that experience like me and, of course, you have that thought run through your mind for a little bit.”
Added: “Especially when you can’t understand what the other guy is mumbling over the phone.”

Actual Quote: “But negative energy can kill you.”
Added: “You know what else can kill you? That bastard f*ck Malkin.”

Actual Quote: “I think I’ve gotten better as a player, especially in years three and four in Vancouver. I started evolving my game.”
Added: “Once, I actually crossed into the offensive zone in a game. It was surreal.”

Actual Quote: “I started to become a better offensive player.”
Added: “Sorry, disregard the last sentence, that’s just my post-concussion thing acting up again.”

Actual Quote: “I’m looking forward to going to a team which, I get the feeling, is really passionate about having me there.”
Added: “As opposed to the Canucks, who didn’t really give a rats ass about me until Salo got hurt.”

Actual Quote: “They are a good young team maybe following in the footsteps of Chicago.”
Added: “I look forward to us tormenting the Vancouver organization like the Blackhawks did the last two years.”

There you have it!

Reminders:

This Thursday at 9pm EST – hear me talk nonsense as a guest on Rink Side Rants.

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Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

Just like your favorite musicians, NHL GMs also have peculiar requests when setting up shop abroad. Take a look at some of the items that  general managers have requested for the upcoming NHL draft:

Boston Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli requested that his table be stocked with gifts that he can hand over to Brian Burke every 15 minutes on Friday…

George McPhee hopes that the custom-made milk cartons he requested will help aid in his search for a Russian who went missing in April…

Steve Tambellini was pressured by the city to bring thousands of these Edmonton Tourism pamphlets to distribute around the arena, since Friday will be the first time in 20 years that Edmonton actually matters…

Blackhawks GM Stan Bowman requested an eye-catching banner which he plans to park a bunch of his players under in hopes of enticing other GMs…

Since May, Canucks GM Mike Gillis won’t go anywhere without his dart board, so naturally this was his only request…

With lots of time to kill on Friday, Brian Burke requested his table be stocked with something that he can use to keep himself busy, and still make himself the center of attention…

Panthers GM Dale Tallon requested the services of the Travelocity gnome for his table. We believe he needs assistance to coordinate the massive exodus of dead weight out of Florida…

Lou Lamoriello requested a table up front and a case of projectiles which he can throw on stage whenever another team drafts a player he wanted…

Looks like Calgary Flames fans doctored their team’s rider with the hopes of giving Darryl Sutter something productive to do during the first round, rather than him using that time to make “schrewd” Darryl Sutter moves…

Finally, on the heels of trading Halak and giving Plekanec a 6 year term at $5 million per, it’s little wonder that the Montreal Canadiens requested what they requested…

More Blades of Funny available on Twitter. 657 followers can’t be wrong (even if half are marketers of enlargement pills).

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

– Before I start blowing your mind with my thoughts on the hockey world, let me first welcome all the new Blades of Funny readers who are joining us after the mega-successful high school post.  Fist bump!

–Let me start with the Blackhawks-Canucks series. You know why the Hawks won? Because they are the better team. They skate better, they score better, they play defense better, and they play the physical game better. Sure, they have their brain farts due to their age, but when they’re on, they’re lethal.

–With that said, let’s tear down the Canucks. I’m not saying that I’m a better coach than Alain Vigneault — I’d probably do some rash things after Game 4 like send O’Brien out to Bertuzzi Dustin Byfuglien, bench Luongo in favor of Raycroft, call up 1/2 my AHL team, and stab Mike Gillis multiple times for assembling this D-core — but even I would start 7 defensemen if one of them had a testicle injury.

–One thing I don’t get about the Canucks is why they don’t deploy a more defensive system (their defensive play was almost Caps-like in the Hawks series…almost). If you have a goalie in Luongo that’s supposed to be elite then why not optimize his talent with a sound defensive strategy. The way they do things now is comparable to a 60-year-old man who has a smokin’ hot 20-year-old trophy wife but doesn’t fill his viagra prescription. Not the best use of the assets at your disposal.

–It’s now safe to say that comparisons of Luongo to Brodeur and Roy were premature. Comparisons of Halak to Dryden and Roy, also premature.

–I’ve heard some people compare the Canucks to the Sharks. While they no doubt stole Luongo via trade, they still have a long ways to go to match the Sharks trifecta of thievery in acquiring Thornton, Heatley, and Boyle.

–Is there a better defensive pairing in the league than Keith-Seabrook? NO!

–I was never much of a Habs fan but it’s hard not to get behind this team. Oh my gawd, did I just write that? WTF IS HAPPENING???

–PK Subban. That’s what’s happening. He even makes the Habs cool.

–Enough playoff talk. Let’s talk about the Coyotes ownership issue. <yawn>Let’s not.</yawn>

–Let’s talk about Olli Jokinen instead (he so funny). There were rumors that he’s jumping to the KHL, which got me thinking about who else might do the same. My money is on Alexander Ovechkin Frolov. I read that his agent wants $5 million a season. So yeah, Siberia sounds about right.

–Sticking with the Jokinen theme. You could say that Darryl Sutter traded Matthew Lombardi, Michael Cammalleri, and the 13th overall pick in this years draft for Ales Kotalik. You could say that, though Darryl Sutter probably doesn’t want you to.

–Something I heard on the radio this week: I think I was listening to a Vancouver station when the host said the Flames franchise is in much better shape than the Oilers. The argument he used to make his point was that the Oilers have the 1st overall pick, Jordan Eberle and not much else, whereas the Flames almost made the playoffs.

[FACEPALM]

At this point I think I’d take the 1st overall pick + Eberle +  Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson (thank you, Google!) + Hemsky + Penner who showed improvement this year + Sam Gagner over an aging team with no real blue chip prospects besides, maybe, Backlund.

Over the next year or two the Flames should be the better team, but the Oilers future is much brighter in my humble opinion.

–Still on the Oilers front, I think they should draft Tayor Hall. I base this on nothing more than the hype that’s always surrounded him. In my opinion that makes him the safer pick of the two. Scouts may scoff at my reasoning but let’s pick a random draft…hmmm…1999.

Patrik Stefan went #1, Sedins went #2 and #3. Now, I don’t remember what the hype was 2 years prior to that draft, but I imagine two red-haired Swedish hockey-playing twins must have garnered more attention than Stefan. My point is proven. Fire your scouts and monitor internet buzz instead.

–Speaking of prospects, I had a talk with a buddy of mine who’s a Leafs fan. He kept talking about Kadri this and Kadri that. How Kadri lit up the OHL, how Kadri will be dynamite with Kessel, and how Kadri will lead the Leafs to the playoffs.

Jiri Tlusty popped into my head but I decided to spare him the pain. Instead, I told him that the progress of Schenn and Phaneuf’s ability to regain his 07-08 form is what holds the key to the 2010-11 Leafs. He just replied: “Kadri?…Kadri?…KADRI!!!”

–The most humorous thing about the playoffs is flip-flopping fans\media. Each win is met with unbridled optimism, each loss renews calls for the end is nigh.

–Remember in the last Serious Thoughts post I wrote about my man-crush on Justin from Bourne’s Blog? Well, sad to report that things ended up kind of messy on that front.

Big news on the Twitter front: 500 FOLLOWERS! Many said it couldn’t be done but I proved them wrong. My latest scheme to get followers involves using religion as evidenced by this tweet I sent out last night:

There’s the dumb jock who is up for anything as long as it’s not studying:

The drama club guy who has b&w headshots of himself in his locker:

The slacker who is all about his music:

The goofy looking redhead kid:

The dramatic jock who’s all business:

The bad boy who does things his way:

The guy with the really milfalicious mom:

The slacker who is always high:

The guy who lives in a trailer with his welfare collecting mother:

The kid who works as a waiter at his family’s restaurant:

The cocky rich kid with a trust fund:

The wacky exchange student who ends up rupturing a testicle:

The weird twin brothers:

The party animal who has a serious problem but everyone finds funny:

The uptight principal:

The grizzly superintendent:

The grumpy math teacher:

And finally, the divorced teacher who attempts to stay hip by partying with his students: