"I'm so pretty that even Michael Landsberg wants to look like me."

For the past five months, I’ve been working really hard to assemble this feature, so please respect these rankings like Brian Burke respects a no-trade-clause.

Three quick points I want to make before getting into it…

1. I managed to interview Steve Yzerman and get his input, thus adding instant credibility to the rankings!
2. Drake was also selected to help me because: 1) he’s Canadian and sounds\acts like he took his fair share of Evander Kane-like right hooks, so you know he knows the game; 2) he’s really popular with the younger generation and also friends with LeBron James, which means he must be like a super cool guy.
3. These are, simply put, the best rankings ever created. Other “experts” don’t know what they are talking about unless they copy these rankings word for word.

#30 – New York Islanders

Biggest offseason story: The one where TSN’s Darren Dreger was made to look dumb.
Best case: Matt Moulson proves he’s not 100% dependent on Tavares, only 95%.
Worst case: Tavares gets injured causing Moulson to get sent to the AHL and Rob Schremp becomes the go-to-guy on offense.
Why they’re #30: When one of your goalies is 41 years old and the other one has a body of a 93-year-old, it makes it hard to put you in at #29.
Steve Yzerman says: “Blades, suck my c*ck, you c*ck sucking a**hole!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Islanders:

Bout to roll me a blunt with my list of regrets
burn it all, burn it all, I’m starting fresh
cause half the time I got it right, I probably guessed

Final verdict: They’ll play as good as they look on paper.

#29 – Florida Panthers

"We can play spin the bottle while we wait for David Booth to get removed from the ice."

Biggest offseason story: Made the mistake of thinking their acquisition of the Big 3 (Michael Grabner, Steve Bernier, Dennis Wideman) wouldn’t get overshadowed in the Miami sports world. When it was, they hastily hired someone to do their marketing; a 15-year-old kid from Iowa, who they met while playing NHL 10 on xBox Live.
Best case: Michael Grabner has a breakout year and finishes the season with 30 goals, 20 assists and only a minus-25.
Worst case: Panther fans start thinking how different things would be if they had someone like Rob Schremp on their team.
Why they’re #29: Because they’re always #29.
Steve Yzerman says: “Hey, Blades. How many f*ucking Stanley Cups have you won, a**hole?”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Panthers:

Look at where I landed
You would think I planned it
I’m just doin’ me and you could never understand it

Final verdict: Vokoun and their defensemen will make them better than the Isles, which is, um, awesome, I guess.

#28 – Anaheim Ducks

Biggest offseason story: Played a very fun game of “let’s piss off our 23-year-old two-time 30-goal scorer” all summer long.
Best case: They end up with a top-5 pick in the 2011 draft, who should compliment their top-5 pick from the 2010 draft, Cam Fowler.
Worst case: Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf realize they’re underpaid, form their own union, and go on strike.
Why they’re #28: After Getzlaf, Perry and Ryan (possibly), you have a team which consists of too many players who are either aging or injury-prone or castoff journeymen. Or in the case of Andy Sutton, all three.
Steve Yzerman says: “What’s that, Blades? You’ve won ZERO Stanley Cups? Sh*t, with the way you flap your gums, I would have thought that number would have been much higher.”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Ducks:

Emotions in this game run deep
done a lot of sh*t they never get to do
so before they say this to me in my sleep
I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure
reppin’ to my last second, dude

Final verdict: Not even Scott Niedermayer returning in the middle of the season can save this team.

#27 – Edmonton Oilers

"In Soviet Russia, car drive drunk."

Biggest offseason story: Found out what the rest of us already know: it’s hard working with a drunken Russian.
Best case: If they keep signing enough goalies, eventually one may go on a run like Michael Leighton did in May… which will be an awesome two weeks for Oilers fans.
Worst case: Amidst a 20-game losing streak, the team launches a workplace sexual harassment investigation, where they learn that Khabibulin has been sneaking vodka into the dressing room and corrupting the youngsters.
Why they’re #27: Because I like to be different from every other site who will have them at #30.
Steve Yzerman says: “Classy, man, making fun of alcoholism and Russians. You’re a bi*ch, Blades!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Oilers:

man, they treat me like a legend
am I really this cold?
I’m really too young to be feeling this old
it’s about time you admit it, who you kidding, man
nobody’s ever done it like I did (ugh)

Final verdict: While it looks like it’ll be another long year in Edmonton, I can see this team climbing a bit higher in the rankings. Either way, Edmonton fans can take solace in that someone other than the Grim Reaper finally got to benefit from Dany Heatley’s douchiness.

#26 – Minnesota Wild

Biggest offseason story: The huge-dollar contract extension given to Mikko Koivu sparked a spirited debate between diehard Minnesota Wild fans and those who actually have a brain.
Best case: Given that he’s such an amazing defensive center, there’s a good chance that Koivu’s negative +/- rating last season was a one-off. If he gets back in black and posts 70+ points again, he’ll only be slightly overpaid.
Worst case: *yawn*
Why they’re #26: I’m not 100% sure, but I think I’d rather take the Leafs’ forwards over their Wild’s, which means I may be a little generous with this ranking.
Steve Yzerman says: “You sh*thead! The Dan Snyder reference in the last ranking was absolutely tasteless. If I ever see you in person, I swear to God… ARGH! F*CK!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Wild:

look
uhh
this is me
still the same
they want the hits
I play the game
no auto tune, but you can feel the Pain
it all comes spilling out like I hit a vein

Final verdict: The only time you should concern yourself with the Wild this year is if you have trouble falling asleep. Think of them as a cheaper alternative to an Ambien prescription.

This concludes the first part of the season preview. Stay tuned for ranks #25 to #21 which will be posted sometime soon (hopefully before October). In the meantime, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter ’cause I’m *this* close to living out of my childhood dream of having 1000 followers. Granted, I always envisioned having to start a cult to get to that number; never imaged a hockey blog would do the trick.

I haven’t done one of these in over 2 weeks. Judging by the few comments this feature elicits, I’m sure you guys have missed it greatly, so who am I do deprive you of this pleasure?

Wait a second, did you see the “[+]” in the title? That’s my brilliant way of giving you a heads up that there’s more to this post than just links.

I bet you’re hella excited and raring to go!

Here … we … go …

Puck Daddy – Greg eulogizes the Paul Bissonnette Twitter account aka @PaulBizNasty aka “the greatest fu*king thing to ever grace the internet”. (Editor’s note: that was the first time in the history of the world that “Paul Bissonnette” and the word “grace” were used in the same sentence.)

Zack Taylor – Whaaaat? A celebrity blog? Yes, my friends, one can never get enough of BizNasty and quotes like this:

“I am 100 percent straight. I don’t know what girls told you that. They are just trying to start a story because they are probably bitter over us kicking them out of our booth at XS Nightclub. As for the photo with that guy back in 2007 – He’s the ex-boyfriend of a girl I dated from Vancouver. We thought it would be funny to take a photo together. I’m not an insecure guy. I’m 100 percent straight… I enjoy banging broads haha!”

There’s also a mini-interview with him here, which includes some insight as to who gets BizNasty’s motor running:

Who his celebrity crush is to sleep with (since all hockey players these days seem to be hooking-up with actresses):

“We call those ‘celebrity kills’ in the dressing room. I think Megan Fox would be up there. She would be my number one.”

Of course, the main attraction in this link is seeing how BizNasty gets down while in Vegas:

Photo courtesy of ZackTaylor.ca

–A celebrity blog link, pictures of a dude in a thong; this probably isn’t a good time to let you guys know that I’m currently addicted to a salad. Not just any salad but a THE GREATEST SALAD KNOWN TO MAN EXIST.

You get some spinach, dress it up with some vinaigrette, add sliced beets, a handful of chopped walnuts and top it off with heaping amounts of goat cheese. It’s so good, I buy the stuff bulk at Costco ’cause I can’t get enough (except the canned beats since they don’t seem to carry those).

In a related note, my wife thinks I’m obsessed about this salad and possibly, just possibly, have more passion for it than anything or anybody.

You know what? She is right.

–Another thing I’ve been meaning to talk about: don’t you just hate it when you’re getting a pedicure and the person… I kid, I kid. My gayness ends at goat cheese salad and sharing pics of BizNasty’s butt muscles.

–See that’s what the “+” sign was for. You know you’re in store for great material when you see the “+” sign. Now unto more links…

This makes up for the previous photo, right?

Intent To Blow – Mike Modano is turning into a joke, but he doesn’t care because he goes to bed with Willa Ford every night. See! See! I’m totally straight! I’m off to play some football. The American kind, not that sissy world kind. ARGH!

–Speaking of football (the sissy kind), BoF reader Rouven hasn’t been heard from since Germany lost. I’m kind of worried something happened.. are you still out there? Or did you just realize how much of a waste of time reading my rambings is, in which case, whatever, man.

–Speaking of football (the macho American kind), here’s another link:

Sports Illustrated – Calling out Brett Favre for his spoiled diva-like behavior. I totally agree every word.

Cowhide and Rubber – Kyle has a great take on why the Ilya contract was declined by the league when other similar deals were allowed. He compares it to a kid trying to push the limit until, finally, the parents have had enough. That’s one of the first things I thought of as well.

Down Goes Brown – DGB compares the NBA’s free agency to the NHL’s. The post itself is funny but the best moment is when DGB responds to comments from readers who questioned as to why an NBA player would need to know how to skate:

Down Goes Brown said…
True fact: In 50% of DGB posts, my favorite joke is hidden in the caption.

(The other 50% of the time it’s some obscure joke that only I’ll find funny, like it mattering whether an NBA player can skate.)

Well played.

2 For Boarding – This new blog written by Jared Clinton caught my eye this week. Good stuff so far, good enough that I’ve added it to my RSS reader.

Stay Classy – Kevin gathers quotes from around the league in reaction to the Kovalchuk signing. Like this one from Eklund:

“When I said the Islanders Kings were going to get Kovalchuk, I meant the Devils. Obviously.”

Bleedin’ Blue – A good take on why the Blues would be smart to lock up Erik Johnson right now. I agree.

Kings Cast – A hilarious and very well produced mini-documentary on the Kovalchuk saga (Days: 1 to 15).

The Rat Trick – As good as the above link was, this post where Frank shares some of the Florida Panthers’ most memorable moments from last season, may cause you even more laughter. There’s five moments:

1. David Booth getting concussed.
2. David Booth getting concussed.
3. David Booth getting concussed Keith Ballard trying to kill his own goalie.
4. Keith Ballard batting the puck into his own goal.
5. And lastly, Kenndal McArdle scoring his first NHL goal.

It’s like Sesame Street… “one of these things is not like the others…”

"He gave up on you, too, so please stop the foolishness."

Ball Don’t Lie – Not a hockey link, but an article that resulted in a facepalm from me.

Basically the author, Kelly Dwyer, mocks some elementary school kids for starting a lemonade stand to help Dan Gilbert pay off the fine for his “f*ck you LeBron” rant. Kelly’s main point is this:

Gilbert was one of the worst enablers in the run that has led to LeBron James’ current role as acting as one of the least self-aware, most self-absorbed entertainers we’ve ever seen. Gilbert allowed James’ inner circle, self-styled “representatives,” to run wild all over the Cavalier organization.

(Yes, because LeBron and his people are self-absorbed and out of touch with reality and  perception — and have been since they were probably, like, 12-years-old –  it’s Gilbert’s fault that LeBron has the ego he does.)

and…

That’s right. LeBron is so tactless, that Gilbert’s immaturity is coming off as heroic, and children have taken to setting up a lemonade stand in order to raise funds to help the Cavaliers’ multimillionaire pay off his fine. A fine that he’ll no doubt be able to pay off once the first of his community-crashing casinos open up just outside of the Cleveland area.

(Gilbert told fans who wanted to help him pay the fine to just donate it to chairty. But besides that, the “community-crashing casinos” comment just reeks of someone who lost his engagement ring money at a casino — hey, we’re all been there and done that, move on, man!)

and finishes with…

But, no, he’s “not a bad man.” I’m sure if Dan swung by your stand, he’d pay you at least a quarter. Maybe even full price. Then he’d sell your parents a predatory loan and point them in the direction of his new casino.

So sell on, young Molly. Because it’s good to have heroes. Even if you find them utterly appalling by the time you hit high school.

(You really schooled these 10-year-old kids, Kelly. Way to show them who’s the man!)

Yeah, facepalm worthy, indeed.

–Russian Machine Never Breaks – A communist link? I’m outraged. Just kidding, my name ain’t Paul Bissonnette. What’s on the other side here is a hilarious look at Kovalchuk’s Facebook updates.

–Did you hear that Marian Hossa got married? Here’s a picture that caught my eye:

I can’t be the only one who thinks they look like the villains in a James Bond film?

And the guy in the middle? You can’t tell me he’s not some hired henchman that’s going to sneak into Bond’s hotel room and try to take him out.

Am I right? Anybody?

–Did you hear that Henrik Zetterberg got married? He and his lovely bride chose a “Where’s Waldo?” themed wedding:

–Here’s another incredibly hot funny photo just because:

–Last night, Adrian Dater — you may remember him from previous posts like this one about the top goalies in the NHL — wrote on Twitter that he’s going to do a top 10 center list and wanted some input.

Off the top of my head, I came up with this:

Crosby, Malkin, Datsyuk, Backstrom, Toews, Getzlaf, Henrik, M. Richards (then toss-up: Kopi, Joe, E. Staal)

Well,  I completely forgot about Zetterberg (probably because he does play wing a lot), Vinny (two off years in a row) and Stamkos (still in show-me mode?).

Thinking back, I’d definitely put Zetterberg in and probably take Kopitar out since he is still in show-me mode as well.

Then there’s Kesler and Mikko Koivu (you may remember the latter from previous posts like this one where I went on and on about how much of a stretch his new contract is). Anyhoo, many people on Twitter last night had Koivu in their top 10 (lol, crazy, right? right?) and I made the point that if Koivu is in the top 10 then Kesler needs to be one spot ahead because he does everything Mikko does, only with more sandpaper.

Needless to say, I’m sure Wild fans wish me hell but the joke is on them ’cause they’re already there having to watch 82 Wild games. HA HA!

–That was mean. Wild fans are a pretty smart bunch and pretty cool. Unlike those bastard Nashiville Predator fans. ZING!

–So what do you guys think about the “+” part of the link post? Never reading another one with that symbol again, are you? Don’t blame ya!

–Time to wrap this puppy up and stuff my face with yummy goat cheese and beets. I may just start injecting the stuff into my veins.

–But before I ago, I must tell you that I changed my “bio” on Twitter to give off a more professional and important aura. After all, I am gunning for Bob McKenzie’s job at TSN. Maybe it’s time to put on a pair of pants as well.

This is my blogging outfit.

I’ve amassed over 800 followers on Twitter; I think it’s time for me to get a little smug. Since the “King” moniker is taken, I think I’m going to call myself  “Emperor” from now on.

“Emperor Blades of Funny”

I like the sound of that.

I wonder if my wife will go along with this new moniker? If she doesn’t, I’ll just have to remind her that I have over 800 followers, which makes me an online celebrity of sorts… and I can do better!

Yes, flat out lie to her until she caves.

Anyhoo, I know you’re dying to get my thoughts on the hockey world so let’s get to them, my loyal subjects…

–First up, I find it utterly amusing that people are trying to defend the Mikko Koivu contract as something other than an “overpayment” by a team desperate to retain their only core forward.

Michael Russo made the following tweets in defense of the signing:

I love all these overpaid comments. This had to be paid to retain him. What were the contracts of the last big centers to hit market?

Sundin, Briere, Drury, Gomez since new CBA came into existence. Sorry, Henrik Sedin was unique. Big centers get their $$ in free agency

I think everyone would agree that the examples listed are bad contracts, thus it doesn’t detract anything from the argument that Koivu was overpaid.

I like Koivu. I’d rather have him than any of the players listed above or someone like Plekanec at $5m (who I also think was paid too much over  too long of a term). But I’d rather have Mike Richards or Ryan Kesler on my team. The former is signed until age 35 at a cap hit of $5.75m, the latter until age 32 at $5m — now, I know they signed their contracts while still being restricted but I think both players compare to Koivu better than anyone else in the league and both gave up a good chunk of their UFA years when they signed their contracts.

At the end of the day, Koivu was overpaid by at least $1 million a year, in my opinion.

The Wild saw the oft-injured Gaborik ($7.5m) and the elder Rolston ($5m) walk in free agency and some say that they couldn’t risk that with Koivu. Blah, I say. The Rolston contract is a bad one and the Gaborik contract is a risky one. To me, Minnesota made the right choices there and have nothing to be ashamed of.

I read others who wrote that Koivu’s agent thought he’d be able to get $7 million on the open market. I doubt it, but even if that would turn out to be true, it doesn’t make it smart. I’m sorry, but I think the smart general managers are the ones who don’t take on contracts that could backfire.

The best case scenario is that Koivu lives up to the contract because I’m sure as sure can be that he won’t be able to surpass it. The contract provides no upside for the Wild and the potential to be really sucky (in my professional blogger opinion). And that’s why I think Koivu is overpaid!

–Prove me wrong, Mikko. Prove me wrong!

–As I’m writing this, Ilya Kovalchuk’s contract was rejected by the NHL. Should be great fun to see what happens next in this saga.

Hey, you think Lamoriello snitched on his owner to Bettman about this one? Yeah, I’m thinking he did.

–Did you hear that Simon Gagne was traded to Tampa for Matt Walker? I’m totally convinced that Holmgren just wants to be Yzerman’s friend and is doing his best to facilitate that process.

Contract up? High five!

–Let’s talk about the Los Angeles Kings and the belief that they’re missing out on everybody this off-season…

I’ve read the Kings need a top-4 defenseman. They have Doughty, Jack Johnson, Scuderi and Greene. They are one or two years away from icing Thomas Hickey (potential top-4 offensive defenseman) and Colten Teubert (physical defenseman who is raw but has the potential to be a top-4 defenseman even with the setbacks).

This is why I was surprised that the Kings were in the running to sign Paul Martin. With Doughty (should get at least $6m) and Johnson (could get $3m if he builds on his progress from last season) up, I’m not sure throwing $5m on another defenseman would have been prudent. If I was the Lombardi, I’d just try to bring in some lower-priced talent like Andy Sutton to bridge the gap to Hickey and Teubert.

I’ve read the Kings need a second line center. Jarret Stoll is signed for the next two years. He’s decent filler as a 2C until Brayden Schenn is ready to assume that role.

I’ve read that the Kings need a left winger. This one I agree with. Kovalchuk would have been a good fit (other than the potential future cap problems) but Gagne would have been an even better fit.

If they managed to get Gagne, they would have gotten the LW help they need without any long-term money commitment that could screw them cap-wise in the future. Gagne really was THE perfect fit. I can only assume that Simon wouldn’t waive his NTC to go to LA because I’m pretty certain that Lombardi was offering something better than Matt Walker.

Now, I imagine they’d probably have to sign either Frolov, Ponikarovsky or maybe even Paul Kariya. All of whom come with their own set of issues.

–Adrian Dater recently put up his top 10 goalie list, which is good for two things: 1) traffic to his article, and 2) causing outrage amongst the internet masses.

I AM OUTRAGED AT THE LIST!

Nah, I’m just mildly amused how anyone could put Bryzgalov (#2) and Craig Anderson (#4) ahead of Roberto Luongo (#5) and Henrik Lundqvist (#8). Smells like recency bias to me.

For the record, if this Emperor had to create a list of goalies he’d want for the upcoming season, it would look like this:

1. Martin Brodeur – The surest thing in goal until he proves otherwise — which, at 38, he may very well do this season.
2. Roberto Luongo – He had an off year, but my money is on him to bounce back, especially with no chance of ever seeing Byfuglien in the playoffs again.
3. Henrik Lundqvist – I have him at #3 because he deserves some respect, dammit! Plus, he’s been a pillar of my fantasy teams for years so I’m biased (like Dater with his Craig Anderson at #4 pick).
4. Ryan Miller – Based on last season, he should be at the top, but let’s see him do it again before we anoint him “great”.
5. Tomas Vokun – Back-to-back years of a .925 SV% can’t be ignored, even though they’re probably due to opposing players just flicking it on goal to kill time.
6. The rest are all interchangeable filler based on year to year. Probably would have Niklas Backstrom at #6, although he’s better as a #1 center (ha ha, I so funny!).

And there you have it! A list that you can NOT argue with because it’s PERFECT and AMAZING and JUST WHOA! (If you do argue, I’m just going to ignore you… or worse: call you “unsmart!”).

–That is all for now. If you’re not following on Twitter, please do so. When I get to 1000 followers, I’ll change my moniker again, from “Emperor” to “God” and that’s going to be…AWESOME!

Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

If you are a hockey fan, you’ve no doubt heard about Vancouver’s Green Men. They’re a YouTube sensation; have their own website; even a Twitter account.

But who are these spandex-draped weirdos?

What if they’re a couple NHL players with too much time on their hands?

Maybe ’cause they didn’t make the playoffs? (Yes, I  do realize they were around during the regular season but stop bugging me with facts and let me set up the post, damn it!)

We did some brainstorming at Blades of Funny headquarters and came up with a few possible names; We also eliminated others.

Blades of Funny Brainstorms Possible NHL Players Moonlighting As The Green Men

Never seen them carrying a defibrillator: Jonas Gustavsson.

Nor an inflated sense of entitlement: Dion Phaneuf.

They move around: Wade Redden.

Yet, don’t pull a hamstring: Marian Gaborik.

They aren’t rushed to the ER when they partake in fun: Erik Johnson.

Nor when they just stand up: Rick DiPietro.

They love attention and have the cash to buy prime seats: Mike Commodore.

And they’re able to remember where those seats are located: David Booth.

Not that we’re looking, but both appear to have a full package: Phil Kessel.

However, they keep that covered up: Jiri Tlusty.

In real life, they don’t come off like sensitive cry babies: Sheldon Souray.

Nor do they on Twitter: Martin Havlat.

In fact, they appear to be very happy with their place in the world: Tomas Kaberle.

When their image comes up on screen, it’s always good for a few laughs: Jeff Finger.

We said laughs, not gaffes: Vesa Toskola.

Everyone in the arena cheers when they appear on the Jumbotron: Evander Kane.

And not ’cause the visiting coach selected them for the shootout: Olli Jokinen.

Their whole gig is based upon getting inside the opposition’s head: Steve Ott.

Not literally: Colton Orr

They don’t randomly assault the opposition: Mike Komisarek.

Nor each other: Keith Ballard.

Never seen a puddle of blood underneath them: Zenon Konopka.

Nor a puddle of sweat: Nikolai Khabibulin.

Never heard them give random analysis about other teams: R.J. Umberger.

Nor about fashion: Sean Avery.

We’ve seen them in the playoffs: Jay Bouwmeester.

And they didn’t fold under the pressure: Alexander Semin.

You: huh?
BoF: what’s the problem, sir/ma’am?
You: you said the list only consists of non-playoff players.
BoF: well…did semin really play in the playoffs?
You: no, I guess not.
BoF: sooooo he could very well have been in vancouver.
You: true.
BoF: there you go.
You: that’s brilliant.
BoF: thank you.
You: no, that was BRILLIANT. You are a genius, man.
BoF: what can I say, I’m pretty good at this stuff.
You: uhhh…I was being sarcastic.
BoF: that’s mighty small of you.
You: that’s what she said.
BoF: about you?
You: no, about you!
BoF: how come?
You: what?
BoF: what?
You: you’re retarded.
BoF: I know you are but what am I?
You: not funny.
BoF: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
You: [hits ctrl+w]

Well, since nobody is reading anymore, I guess there’s no point in finishing. Good thing too as the only other things I have is some Steve Mason jokes and maybe a jab or two at the Florida Panthers. I couldn’t think of a joke about Lecavalier and his constant trade rumors, nor could I think of a midget joke for St. Louis (Martin, not the city, though I’m sure the city has its fair share of midgets too). Yup, all out of material on this one. Maybe if you follow me on Twitter, I’ll come up with something. Better yet, maybe you will.