Behold… The Blades of Funny 1st round playoff predictions:

Washington vs. Montreal

In a stunning twist of events, the offices of the Canadiens organization get raided by the RCMP. The franchise is shut down and charged with siphoning Haiti Relief money in some wild money laundering scheme. This leads one Georges Laraque to chime in: “I warned you about these shady motherf#$kers back in January. Didn’t I? You just chose not to listen.” In a funny twist of fate, Washington is awarded a 4-0 series win by default, the same result had the teams actually hit the ice.

New Jersey vs. Philadelphia

After dropping the first two games by a combined score of 18-3, Flyers coach Peter Laviolette shocks the hockey world by naming a 1987 O-Pee-Chee rookie card of Ron Hextall as his starting goalie for game 3. Even though the Hextall card improves the Flyers save percentage by 100 basis points, it is still not enough to derail the Devils who win it in 6.

Buffalo vs. Boston

The Boston Bruins pull off the upset by eliminating the Sabres in 6. The most memorable part of this series, however, was the touching intermission story aired by NBC showing Bruins players visiting a local hospital. None of us will ever forget the look on Marc Savard’s face when he saw his teammates walk into the infirmary and present him with a game puck and a “keep your head up” t-shirt in Bruins colors.

Pittsburgh vs. Ottawa

With Evgeni Malkin still in a state of hibernation, Sidney Crosby is forced to carry the Penguins on his back and lead them to a 4-2 series win. He goes from hero to villain in the minds of Senators fans, who start a petition outside Scotiabank Place in hopes of convincing parliament to annex Sidney’s Canadian citizenship. Signed by 1256, the petition, sent from Kanata after the series concluded is expected to arrive in Ottawa sometime in October 2010.

San Jose vs. Colorado

Patrick Marleau, motivated by heading into free agency this summer, plays great. Dany Heatley, motivated by sticking it to the Senators, plays great. Joe Thornton, motivated by proving all his doubters wrong, plays great. Evgeni Nabokov, motivated by his Olympics failure, plays great. Still, the Sharks lose in 7 because the April curse is no joke, my friends.

Chicago vs. Nashville

The series takes a bad turn for Nashville in game 2 when a Shea Weber slap-shot ricochets off Patrick Kane’s mouthguard, careens off Steve Sillivan back (breaking it), and then strikes Patric Hornqvist in the head (putting him in a coma). Nashville cannot score another goal after that and Chicago takes the series in 5.

Vancouver vs. Los Angeles

Vancouver players, coaches, fans, and even media members look sluggish and slow as the series begins.  Turns out that an April 2010 by-law passed by city council is to blame for the sleep deprivation of many Vancouverites.  The law requires everyone within city limits to pen and post to the internet a 1000-word article detailing their argument as to why Henrik Sedin deserves the Hart Trophy. The Kings take advantage of their opposition’s sluggish play and win the series in 6. This leads Ryan Smyth to coin the cheesiest line of the first round when he proclaims: “We never had a doubty because we have Drew Doughty.”

Detroit vs. Phoenix

After a snake is thrown on the ice in Phoenix, Detroit fans feel the need to come up with something fresh and representative of their state to throw onto the ice when the series switches to Michigan. This leads to the cancellation of game 3 (and all remaining games at The Joe), after the ice is littered with unsold Ford and GM vehicles. On the bright side, Phoenix players rummage through the rubble and pay a visit to the salvage yard. They use the proceeds to finance their flight back to Arizona, where they then promptly lose the series 4-2.

Many of you may not know this, but there is a top-secret scouting organization whose membership is comprised of retired Israeli Special Forces operatives and ninjas. This secret organization is highly skilled at assessing the psychological shortcomings of hockey players, as well as their on-the-ice deficiencies. We’ve learned that there are a couple teams in the NHL that pony up the millions in cash that is required for this group’s top-secret scouting reports.

We cannot tell you how we were able to get our hands on this latest report, but rest assured that none of us working here at Blades of Funny headquarters are allowed to go down into the basement for the next three months. All we can speak on the subject is that we saw someone who appeared to be Darryl Sutter, leading someone who appeared to be Jay Bouwmeester (only with a burlap bag over his head), into what he playfully called the “I’ll teach you to make a sucker out of me” room.

Western Conference

San Jose Sharks – Deploy a covert operation inside their dressing room which involves equipping every stall with a calendar that prominently tells the subject it is the month of April.

Credit: KurtenBlog.com

Chicago Blackhawks – Set up intelligence officers outside their team hotel. Four hours prior to game-time have your men slash the tires of their team bus.  This will force the subjects to take either a cab or limousine to the game, thereby ensuring that several members of the team will be in no state of mind to concentrate on the game. Better yet, some may not even arrive at the arena after becoming distracted by random puck bunnies. * Should you be playing this team in the Stanley Cup Finals, before putting this plan into effect, make sure that Marian Hossa has a secure mode of transportation arranged to the arena.

Vancouver Canucks – While this may go against your gut instinct, it is essential that you spot this team a 1 or 2 goal lead late in the 3rd period. Subjects have been known to be unable to respond to such a scenario.  This is especially true for the subject who wears jersey #1.

Phoenix Coyotes – In order to have any chance of victory, you must warn everyone in your organization to not get within 2 feet of any subject wearing a jersey with the emblem of a howling coyote head. Failure to do so will result in unlimited powerplays against. Also, due to recent developments, having rattlesnake bite antidote on hand is the wise thing to do.

Nashville Predators – A report on this team will require a membership upgrade due to our employees having to pay a special “scout tax” to enter and watch games held at venues inside this state.

Detroit Red Wings – Step 1: plant propaganda stories in the papers that go on and on about what a “money” goaltender Chris Osgood has been in the playoffs. Step 2: plant propaganda stories in the papers that paint Mike Babcock as a genius for switching goalies in the middle of the Olympics.  Step 3: enjoy facing Chris Osgood.

Credit: Canadiens.com

Los Angeles Kings – Not much is known about this squad because  they have not participated in post-season hockey since the days of Jason Allison and Zigmund Palffy ruling the NHL.  We did learn that in the past,  however, calling for stick measurements has been known to work against this team… because they are a bunch of cheaters.

Colorado Avalanche – In order to win against Colorado, you must neutralize Joe Sakic and Peter Forbserg. Getting traffic in front of Patrick Roy is also a crucial key to victory. Syke! We’ve been too busy fooling around with our hot tub time machine to do a report on the current Avs. But don’t worry about this team, they’re in way over their heads… this year.

Eastern Conference

Washington Capitals – To gain an edge on this team, study film of the February 24th Olympic game between Canada and Russia. Formulate the same strategy that the team in the white jerseys used against the team in the red ones.

New Jersey Devils – Leave an envelope containing plane tickets to Hawaii and a list of tee times for the state’s finest golf courses outside Ilya Kovalchuk’s room. His predisposed instincts will take over and nobody in the Devils organization will be able to find him for a good week.

Buffalo Sabres – We’re sorry to inform you that we have been unable to gather any intelligence on this team.  This is because the Ontario-based scout assigned to cover this team traded in his tickets in hopes of snagging seats for the new Hamilton franchise. He was last seen standing outside Copps Coliseum, wearing a faded “make it seven” t-shirt, texting away feverishly on his blackberry about what what he plans to do to Gary Bettman and how big of an idiot  Judge T. Baum is. Recent reports that our scout has been seen flying in and out of Atlanta have not been confirmed.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Prior to puck-drop, have your captain skate over to Marc-Andre Fleury and whisper the following in his ear: “I’m so glad that your hard work and dedication were rewarded with a well-deserved Olympic gold medal.” Subject will spend the rest of the series distracted as he tries to figure out if your captain was serious or just a sarcastic a-hole.

Ottawa Senators – Prior to game 1 of the series, kidnap Jason Spezza and transport him to the nearest comedy club. This will result in him choking on his own laughter and leave the rest of the organization in no mood to play hockey.

Credit: FromTheRink.com

Montreal Canadiens – Let agent Allan Walsh know that you’ve heard rumors that Carey Price has been strutting around the Canadiens dressing room like he owns the place, bragging to everyone who will listen that he will get all the playoff starts. This will surely result in an off-ice incident that will distract the franchise. If you really want to up the distraction ante, drop some rumors about the City of Montreal cracking down on organized crime.

Philadelphia Flyers – Shoot the puck on goal. Our computer analysis has informed us that if you do this, there is a 33% chance it will go in. This has proven to work time and time again, and should work again unless John Tortorella is choosing your lineup.

Boston Bruins – If you are able to locate the subject on this team who is an offensive threat (we have been able to find this person), send out one of your fourth-liners to take him out with a headshot. After a quick fight with Shawn Thornton, you are guaranteed that none of your players will be touched for the remainder of the series.

If you enjoyed this post, the only thing left for you to do is follow Blades of Funny on twitter. Tonight, I’ll be on that machine celebrating the fact that Toronto finally won something meaningful this season… the draft lottery!