Senile auctioneer Dale Tallon seen here auctioning off his assets to an empty room.

For those of you wondering how much the car repair bill from my last post came to, it was $1500. To raise the cash I had to spend all of February on the street corner turning tricks However, due to “shrinkage” thanks to this awful winter we’re having, I still came up short — at least that’s the excuse I’m sticking to! So now you know why posting has been so light lately.

Here are some thoughts while I bathe the ashamed stench from my body, replacing it with the ashamed stench of a grown man who takes baths.

–Hey, remember the last post where I wrote these brilliant words:

I don’t have much hockey commentary today, but if there was such a thing as being able to buy the Devils stock right now, I’d do it.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had the Devils ranked #4 overall.

–I didn’t participate much on Twitter lately but there were great laughs to be had at the expense of silly reporters on deadline day. Puck Daddy had a great review of all the shenanigans. It’s funny ’cause so many of these media guys take themselves and their jobs so seriously, but in reality they’re just like you and me!

–Speaking of deadline day, let’s talk about the subject of this post: Dale Tallon.

Look, I get the whole “blowing up the team because it sucks and is going nowhere” but besides Niclas Bergfors, Tallon got absolutely nothing in return in this latest fire sale. In fact, if you go back to the Horton and Ballard trades, Tallon really only got Bergfors and two late 1st round picks (used select Nick Njugstad and Quinton Howden). What’s worse is that he’ll probably lose Vokoun for nothing in the summer and still has the Olesz ($3,125,00 untill 2014) and Booth ($4,250,00 until 2015) contracts on the books.

The best trade Tallon made was getting Grabner in the Ballard trade but he then promptly waived Grabner who now has 25 goals and is a +9 (and is used to kill penalties!!!) on Long Island. Hindsight is 20-20 you say, but I voiced this opinion throughout the summer/fall. Grabner is notorious for having crappy training camps so I’m pretty sure Tallon had no clue as to what type of player he was getting in him.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had Tampa Bay ranked #21 overall.

So yeah, Tallon gets a pass because of what he did in Chicago but he made some pretty boneheaded moves over there too.

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Dale Tallon.

The photo Gonchar used on Match.com to lure Bryan Murray last summer.

–Sergei Gonchar has two more years left at $5,500,000!

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Bryan Murray.

–Both the Erik Johnson/1st rounder for Chris Stewart/Kevin Shattenkirk and James Neal/Niskanen for Alex Goligoski trades were pretty fair and good for all teams involved. I’ve read people who chose sides and blasted the trades but I don’t see that as a reasonable take. Every one of those teams got what they needed/wanted.

–If I had to chose one player I’d want out of that bunch, I’d be Erik Johnson. My only concern with him is that he doesn’t strike me as the smartest cat around but hopefully that’ll change with experience and age.

–My wife watched the Oscars so I caught a bit of it (I would ever watch such a non-manly show on my own). People are blasting James Franco as a host, calling him too relaxed and carefree. To those people, I ask: what the f^%k did you expect from Franco? That’s his whole shtick and I’ve never seen him not be himself.

In conclusion, the Oscars and the people who watch them are silly.

//waves goodbye to the one female who reads this blog.

“Bye, Mom!”

–I had a chance to watch a few Ranger games this month (gambling will do that to you) and I was mightily impressed with Ryan McDonagh. That kid is going to be a very fine defenseman in this league for many years to come. Sucks for Habs fans.

–I was looking at the odds to win the Stanley Cup recently and the one that really stuck out for me was Nashville at 34 to 1. Good value there, my friends. The Preds totally strike me as a team built for the playoff grind.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, having the Lightning at 11 to 1 is just silly. No way they win more than one round (if that).

–You know, there’s a chance that Vancouver could meet Chicago in the 1st round and that would be truly epic. I’m sure Canuck fans are relieved they no longer have Big Buff to contend with, but if I were the Hawks coaching staff, I’d call up Kyle Beach, team him up with John Scott, plant both in Luongo’s crease and then count how long it takes for the ‘Nucks to self-destruct. I’d have the self-destruction over/under line set at 2.5 shifts.

–I’m already laughing at the team which overpays a 31-year-old Brad Richards in the summer. Not Gonchar-esque laughing but laughing nevertheless.

–That is all for today. Follow along on Twitter, I’ve lost some followers and would like to get them back just so I could block their rude asses for unfollowing me. You just don’t do such a thing to a man!

–OH, BEFORE I GO. LEAVE SOME COMMENTS, OTHERWISE I WON’T BLOG AGAIN . Yes, that was an empty threat and a pathetic display to get some attention from my reader(s).

Okay, the title is a bit dramatic but bear with me. Since September of last year, I’ve had the following stuff break down  in my life: main TV (colors went all cooky), 3 electric heaters in the house (all three just “poofed” in a span of a couple weeks), oven (after my wife did the self-cleaning on it, something overheated and it cost $150 to fix), the electrical outlets outside the house (I’m not even considering fixing this problem until spring),  the back window wiper motor of my vehicle just two weeks ago and to top it all off, on Thursday I hit a bumpy road and now have a problem with my air suspension (I had to lowride my way home and all that was missing from that scene was some rap music blaring through the speakers).

From what I could gather browsing the internet, this current problem could be the most expensive of all to fix with estimates ranging between $800-$2000. I’ll find out the exact damage tomorrow but I’m pretty sure it’ll result in me saying, “[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”

–Oh, and I’m catching a ride to the dealer with the flatbed towing guy who’ll be here at 7am. On a good day, I’m not a morning person, but on a cold winter day on which I know I’ll be having my wallet raped, I’m REALLY not a morning person. Hope the driver doesn’t mind awkward silence for the entire 20-minute ride, otherwise “[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”

–Oh, one more thing that you guys may find utterly hilarious. Last time I was at this dealer, I kind of got pissed off at them about something (I hate going to dealers for non-warranty service and avoid it unless absolutely necessary, so I always have a chip on my shoulder when I do go to one). Tomorrow I have to go back, like a puppy with his tail between his legs. (“[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”)

–If you’ve been following my Twitter for the past three days, you’ll see that I posted a 3-game parlay bet each day. All three days, I missed cashing in by 1 game. (“[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”)

–So yeah, if any of you placed this curse on me because I made some mean comment about something you like, please lift it. I’ve suffered enough! Oh, and “[expletive] [expletive] [expletive] you!”

–I don’t have much hockey commentary today, but if there was such a thing as being able to buy the Devils stock right now, I’d do it. They’ll be better in the second half of the season. Earlier this month, some guy dropped Martin Brodeur in one of my fantasy hockey leagues. I think that was the bottom!

–The internet is one big wasteland of crap — this site, for instance — but every now and then, I find something that captivates me greatly. The online archive of Time Magazine is one of those things. It’s such a fascinating look at yesteryear and humanity in general. Just take a look at the September 18, 1939 issue at the advent of WWII.

There’s quite a few hockey stories in the archive, too. Check out Ranger goalie  Dave Kerr, who graced the March 14, 1938 cover. The article serves as an introduction to the game and profiles the New York Rangers. At the beginning it compares hockey with baseball and includes this zinger:

Whereas baseball’s annual championship is a World Series in which the leading team of each league takes part, hockey’s championship is not a series between the leading teams but a complicated round robin (for a battered $50 cup) in which the three top teams of each division take part.

In the writer’s defense, the Cup back in the olden days did look like something you’d find at your Grandma’s house:

What’s weirder in the graphic above, the Stanley Cup looking like some spaceship probe or the cartoon bear taking a dump into it? Answer: None of the above, the weirdest thing is a player in a Maple Leafs  jersey holding it!

While reading another article from the February 11th, 1935 issue, I get the feeling that people in the 1930′s were not really all that bright.

By last week, the major-league hockey season was sufficiently advanced for experts to make their prophecies on how it will end next month, when the three leading teams in the two divisions-of the League play a complicated round-robin tournament for the world’s championship Stanley Cup.

Both hockey pieces I found from the 1930′s talk about how complicated the playoff format is. Mind you, the only odd thing was that the top teams in each division had a bye in the 1st round and had to play each other in the 2nd round. Imagine if the writer(s) had to deal with today’s scenario, the article would probably read: “A mind numbing, impossible to figure out format based on standings where most teams have more wins than losses. But the trophy is quite marvelous!”

Fast forward to February 24th, 1975 and you get quite possible the coolest Time cover ever:

Imagine the heart attacks in the NHL offices if this were hitting the newsstands today!

The article inside profiles Bernie Parent and also delves into the hockey violence topic, touching on some of the same themes we hear today:

The virus of violence has spread far beyond the player. The most chilling recent display was Boston Bruin Dave Forbes’ attack on Minnesota North Star Henry Boucha. In that incident, Forbes jammed the end of his stick into Boucha’s right eye, leaving Boucha, after surgery, with impaired vision. In an unprecedented criminal action against an N.H.L. player, Forbes was charged with aggravated assault with a dangerous weapon. His trial, now scheduled for May, could remove punishment for sport violence from the arena to the police and the courts.

Among the people most concerned over unfettered violence are the officials of junior-level competition. Because the Flyers’ buccaneering play attracts fans—most critics suggest that is precisely why the pros fight—the ethic of war has seeped down to younger players. The trend has become so disturbing in Canada that the Ontario government recently conducted an inquiry into violence in the region’s amateur hockey programs and, soon after, the Ontario Hockey Association set up new rules to halt brutality on the ice.

Can’t help but chuckle at that.

The intro of the article features some great writing:

He needs the glove of an all-star shortstop, the agility of a gold-medal gymnast, the reflexes of a championship racing-car driver, the eye of a .400 hitter and the mind of a geometrician. Even then he is nothing if he has not conquered fear, for he lives in a vortex of violence in the world’s fastest team sport. He is the hockey goalie, the masked man, the magnet for action in a war on ice.

As in no other sport, the essence of his game is violence —bodies hurtling, players smashing each other into the boards, sticks slashing, fists always at the ready. Even when the skating and body checking are clean—and they often are not—the play is fierce and frightening. And it is all directed at one target—the man in the reinforced fiber-glass mask.

Alone or in clusters, attackers bear down on him at breakneck speed, their razor-sharp blades ripping into the white ice. From any angle, in the open or from behind a screen of players, a shooter fires and the rock-hard puck hums toward the goalie at more than 100 m.p.h. He has less than a second to react. If he fails, there is no reprieve: the goalie is the last line of defense, the difference between winning and losing.

Chills, baby, chills!

Okay, I’ve rambled enough and I need to get ready for the NFL games. As always, follow along on Twitter if you want to be cool!

Jets +3.5, Packers -3.5. Book it!

"Fools! Blades will never do what he promises to do."

Everywhere I go, people come up to me and say, “Blades, you have over 1000 followers on Twitter, which in this day and age is equivalent to being a nobleman of social media, yet you blog at a frequency that matches that of Oiler victories. How can this be so?”

To them I answer, “My friends, it is true that I am vastly better than those who do not possess 1000 followers, but I do not hold the answers you seek.”

They interrupt me as I’m dining at the finest establishments (like Chi Chong’s All You Cat Eat Buffet, Chip’s Discount Chops And Tune-Ups or whichever place is doing catering for the Minnesota Vikings that week) and they say to me, “Blades, you seem to tweet more about football than hockey. Since it was your hockey writing that brought you such great fame and fortune, how can this be so?”

To them I answer, “My friends, rest assured I do not discount making $0.48 in extra spending money from The Google, but I do not hold the answers you seek.”

Women throw themselves at me and beg, “Blades, will you bestow a great honor upon me and impregnate me with your seed so my that offspring will be blessed with the great gene of nonsense.”

I answer these fair lasses by saying, “My lady, I’m flattered but sad to say that my wife took my impregnating organs away from me many moons ago. If you seek sperm such as mine, go forth and find a hip hop concert.”

So why am I telling you this? It’s because delusion breeds delicious results (unless you’re running the Calgary Flames) and I’m here to make a proclamation.

A proclamation so important that after it’s proclaimed, life shall never be the same (sort of like when the Devils proclaimed they’re going to sign llya to a 15-year contract — but hopefully with better results). Oh yes, once this makes its way outside of the basement from which I do my blogging and finds itself disseminated into the public domain via the 6.5 readers who read the blog (one is a midget), life will forever change.

So what is it, you ask?

Are the rumors true that I’ve been hired as the official blogger for the New York Islanders?

While nothing would please me more than to work for a fine corporation like the Islanders and their almost godly like GM, *wink*, this is not the news I bring you today.

The news I bring… wait a sec, let me make this perfectly clear to whomever is reading this: I think it would be really neat to blog about the finest hockey team ever assembled and bestow praise after praise upon the Islanders for I have never ever seen them do anything dumb or play a bad game of hockey. (Call me, Garth! I do need money!).

Alright, sorry about that…

The proclamation I bring to you today is a promise.

A promise?

Yes, a promise.

A promise that for the week of November 22nd, I will blog EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WEEK. Yes, there will be 5 new posts next week. One each day. After that, we’ll see how things shape up.

Let’s pause for a few minutes so you can take this in and truly grasp the magnitude of what I just laid down, I’ll go change my socks…

…

…

…

Back, the ones without holes feel so much better on my feet.

Now, I realize that my track record of making promises on here has been kind of sketchy — lest we forget the season preview rankings fiasco — but I will go to great lengths to make this true.

For now, I’m off to spend the weekend researching paralegal databases in order to break stories of nepotism and old grudges. Until then, I leave you with the words of a very wise man…

Follow along on Twitter…

"I can't believe Blades hasn't been fired from blogging already."

There will be a new post soon. I promise. If you’re wondering why there hasn’t been a post in like a month, well, it’s because I’ve been on a deeply rewarding quest of trying to become the new head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Sadly, it was not to be… this year.

Nah, I’m lying. Truth is that I really wanted to go a month without a post just to see what it feels like. Then I made a bet with a friend who thought I couldn’t do it. Obviously, I won and am now filthy rich.

Ahh, lying again. You caught me! The real identity of “Blades” is actually Nazem Kadri, and for the past month I’ve had to concentrate on hockey so I can get paid. Now that I’ve been called up, I’m going to have extra time to spit out a post or two since, y’know, the Leafs don’t actually play hockey.

Ha!

Nah, again I’m compulsive with this shit. The truth is that I told myself I won’t post until the Devils win a home game and, y’know, it just spiraled out of control. Frankly, I’m surprised I even remembered the password to this blog.

Anyway, this is just an appetizer post. There will be more soon. For now check out this hilarious series by Jason from Discard What You Don’t Need. Part #2 here. HILARIOUS! Jason is the bastard who called me out on Twitter about not posting in almost a month and then threatened to jam a toothpick into my Sami Salos if I didn’t post soon. So you have him to thank for this post.

Don’t forget to follow along on Twitter. 1019 followers and no tweets since November 7th. How cool am I?

Note: Not Really A Button

Yesterday, while we were driving back from a day at the zoo, my kids (5 and 4) came up with the groundwork for a holiday called “Fart Day”. The holiday would be held every September 2nd and one of the customs of Fart Day is when you see someone, you say “Happy Fart Day!”; to which the other person replies by sticking his butt out and making fart sounds.

Also, the day after “Fart Day” shall be known as “Stinky Day”.

I was quite proud of their creativity and I can certainly see them writing on here in the future.

Now let’s get on to some hockey talk (kinda)…

–If Roberto Luongo’s mind is as fragile as I believe it to be, how is he coping with the possibility of his mega-contract getting tossed out? I don’t care how much money you have or what reassuring words you’ve been told by management, when both the security and the $60 million you thought you had are being messed with, it can’t be all that pleasant.

Personally, I’d be a nervous wreck. Heck, even if the money was in my account, I’d still be a nervous wreck fearing someone would steal it. I don’t need or want that kind of stress (lie). I have enough sleepless nights worrying about small things like the monthly bills (not a lie). I can’t even imagine how I’d get any sleep knowing that some crooked bank teller could, at any moment, siphon millions of my dollars to some Eastern Bloc country. Yeah, I’d go straight-up Howard Hughes crazy.

Sign changed to: "Niemi Has No Balls"

–Sharks fans must be happy now that Antti Niemi is on board. I don’t really know how the move benefits Niemi though.

I assume the arbitration hearing (or as I like to call it: “reasons why you suck hearing”) and the subsequent dumping created hard feelings, which caused him to overlook any deficiencies in his new partner just so he could show-up his old partner.

Sort of like when you’re in your early 20′s and your ex-girlfriend dumps you after telling you how awful you are. Naturally, you go find the hottest girl you can just to show ‘em. In that situation, you tend to overlook certain things in your new partner… things like the rumors going around town that she’s a stripper, has a few addictions and is straight-up crazy. You don’t care about these things ’cause she’s a Presidents’ Trophy contender hot.

But eventually, like say when you’re at some strip club three towns over on a Tuesday night conversing with a 50-year-old man who’s missing a few teeth and wants to know what it’s like to hit that (“that” being your new mate who is dancing on stage), you start to rethink your life choices and eventually you get your mind straight.

Anyways, I don’t know if the Niemi thing is like that or not but it’ll be interesting to see how his career plays out from here.

–I want to do a season preview but I don’t think I have it in me to do team-by-team previews (30 posts). I’m thinking I’ll do a reverse ranking preview with 5 teams per post (so first post would be ranking teams 30 to 25). That will not only ease my workload but also allow me to make some ridiculous predictions and piss off a few people.

So yeah, get ready for team #30, the Tampa Bay Lightning, as I continue to hate on Steve Yzerman for no reason at all.

That’s a joke. They’ll actually be #29.

–If you’re excited for this, keep in mind that I’ll probably get lazy and stop after I get to team #23. So really, this “season preview feature” will just consist of 1.5 posts. HA! In your face, enthusiastic readers!

–If you’re a blogger and want to get accreditation, here’s a pretty good read by The Goalie Guild on the subject.

The chances of BoF getting accredited are about the same as that stripper in the story above becoming “marriage material”, but I did take away one point which I can use on BoF…

What is your own mission statement? Do you make it very clear that you are committed to covering your team in a professional and informative way? Or do you just randomly post sarcastic, sometimes derisive posts about the players and the way the team performs on the ice?

This got me thinking: what is the BoF mission statement?  After a few minutes, I came up with this gem:

ALWAYS. ACT. LIKE. A. JACKASS. (but do it in a good-natured way rather than an internet warrior way).

There you have it!

Close seconds…

Grammar: overrated like Jaroslav Halak; Facts: pffft, up yours!

and

It is my duty and that of this blog to show the world that I know more about hockey than Steve Yzerman and I shall not stop until the world acknowledges the fact that Yzerman is a fraud who has put a spell on the entire hockey media. Nothing you see on TV or read about, outside of this blog, which relates to the Lightning can be trusted. Ever. (Especially should stories or images come out next June that Tampa Bay has won the Stanley Cup.)

–As you’ve pretty much gathered from this post, there isn’t much in the way of hockey that I want to talk about. The Ilya Kovalchuk story is about as fun to write about at this point as I imagine the Coyotes story was last summer. So nah, not happening here.

–Speaking of the Coyotes, I must say that I wasn’t surprised that Ice Edge couldn’t close. When they set up their Twitter account and were joking around on it and acting like I would if I were put in such a situation, that pretty much told me they couldn’t be taken seriously.

–BizNasty is back on Twitter! Thanks to Justin Bourne for the heads up on that.

–A couple things regarding the site…

• I am going to formally adapt the moniker “Blades” from now on. This nickname was given to me by Kevin, so according to Man Rule #127 (which states that a man’s nickname can only be given to him by another man), it’s all kosher and on the up-and-up.
• I am going to play around with the site a bit and try to put in some more ads. This is on the request of my wife that I bring in more of that Google cash which she can then turn into cosmetics. *shrug*

–That’s all for today. I would apologize for the lack of actual hockey content in this post but I think you should be thanking me for not talking about the CBA and Ilya. So you’re welcome!

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter. I haven’t tweeted much the last week, yet I still gained followers. That’s in contrast to when I do post frequently and end up losing followers. Weird, huh?