No intro to this today. Instead, get ready to laugh your butt off at my expense…

–Rink Side Rants – You know what’s really hard? Talking on the radio. I kid you not, I shall never ever in my life make fun of anybody who says something dumb on the radio.

If you’re curious as to why I’m making such a proclamation, this link will take you to my podcasting debut and let me tell you, it’s just one big pile of awkwardness. A grown man in his 30′s should never use the words “like” and “and that” and “right?” back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back in every sentence. But that’s one of the side effects when you ramble on in order to stall for time because you’re nervous and your mind is a blank. Surprisingly, a panic attack is not conducive to articulating things and getting your thoughts in order.

It was a blur, man. I refuse to listen to the first 10 minutes of the show as I think I broke down laughing at one point and frankly, I don’t want to relive that again!

In my defense, it was my first time and two things really threw me off at first: 1) talking into dead air felt really weird, and 2) unlike a real life conversation dynamic, you have to stop talking for a couple seconds so the others now you’re done before they jump in. This is something brand new to me as I’m used to my wife jumping in and cutting me off before I can finish any point I’m trying to make. Now I know why she does it! This would also explain why at the beginning I rambled on and on about Kovalchuk, repeating the same point, and from god-know-where came up with a $150m contract offer. Lol! But yeah, I think I settled in as the show progressed (right? right? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST AGREE!!!). I’m pretty sure if I do 25 more shows like this, I won’t sound like I *just* escaped from a mental hospital. Hahaha.

Anyhoo, thanks to Tim from Sabres Noise and Frank from The Rat Trick for having me. If I did one thing for their show, it’s that I made them sound like seasoned pros!

–Funny story about the podcast:

I told my wife about it earlier in the week and didn’t make it seem like a big deal. Y’know, being the pro that I am.

After the show was over, I went upstairs and she asked me how it went. I just looked at her and broke down laughing. Then she started laughing. We both laughed for like a good hour.

–If you’re laughing right now, you’re a jerk!

–Puck Daddy – This piece started a huge debate about bloggers getting accreditation. I actually prefer if the bloggers I follow are independent and 100% free to express their opinions without any accountability to the entity which they are talking about. That’s the biggest thing which differentiates blogs from the rest of the mainstream media, in my opinion.

Now, don’t take that to mean that I think bloggers don’t have accountability because they do. Their readers hold them accountable and the ones who go off the deep end are quickly weeded out (like for example:  if some jackass blogger does a podcast and sounds like an idiot, you’d never read his blog again, right?).

–Whatever your opinion on this topic, you’ve got to really admire someone like Greg Wyshynski (Puck Daddy), who straddles the blogger/mainstream line while being respected by both sides and maintaining his edge, humor and unbridled opinion. That’s a hard thing to pull off. It’s even harder to pull off when you’re a blogger in a bubble covering a specific team.

–Cowhide and Rubber – Kyle also wrote a great piece on the old media vs. new media thing. The canned quotes you get from players before and after the game don’t really add much to the conversation, yet they’re probably the biggest thing that old media has over new media (the ability to get them first). In reality, 95% of the time those quotes don’t matter. What matters is a writer’s opinion and unique insight, which many times an accredited member of the media may possess but, for one reason or another, can’t share.

–You’re still laughing at the podcast? YOU BASTARD!

–The Rat Trick – The Florida Panthers are going with a “party” theme this season; complete with a party supply company sponsorship, which is the reason for this festive decor in the arena:

Clearly, this was inspired by decorations used for the school dance I attended when I was in the 8th grade. Ah yes, that fateful 8th grade dance. To think the podcast almost dethroned it as my life’s most awkward moment. Almost, but not quite.

–Stay Classy – Kevin looks at some of the significant points of the RDO Camp held last week and how they pertain to the prospects who where used as guinea pigs. An excerpt…

The New York Islanders intend to hire Mike Milbury to serve as a special advisor to their scouting team during the event. The Islanders staff will ask Milbury who he would trade in order to rank the top talent.

–Down Goes Brown - DGB has a behind-the-scenes look at Brian Burke’s day as he tries to move Kaberele before his NTC kicks in. An excerpt…

5:25 p.m. – The Detroit Red Wings express some interest in acquiring Kaberle, but eventually decide that now isn’t the time for a youth movement.

–Intent To Blow – Kovy signs, Devils submit same contract with birth certificate claiming he is 4 years younger. I can see this actually happening in the KHL.

–Discard What You Don’t Need -  Jason takes a look at EA Sport’s NHL 11 demo, complete with funny commentary.

–I’m just rattling these off in rapid-fire style so I can go find a cave and just chill while your laughter subsides. YOU BASTARD!

–Habs Laughs – They found Pierre Gauthier’s Blackberry and are now posting excerpts of what’s on it. Like this one, which features Pierre informing Sergei Kostitsyn he’s been traded…

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Good news Sergei! We’re trading you!

Text from: 514-747-7474- Sergei K
Da?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
What?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
I trade?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Yes! I e-mailed like 50 teams and I managed to squeeze Dustin Boyd an

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
What?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
D Dan Ellis from Nashville! You’re heading to Nashville!

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
That first one wasn’t finished did you get the second one?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Ver is Nahville?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Why are you texting with an accent?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
I trade? Yes?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
YES! To Nashville. For Dustin Boyd and Dan Ellis.

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Dey not superstars. I worth more. You lose.

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
No Sergei…I win.

Okay, that’s all for today! Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter. Oh, and if any of you know someone who specializes in hacking online radio companies and erasing podcasts, I may be interested in speaking to such a person. Have a good weekend.  I’m off to enroll in broadcasting school.

Just a heads up: this post is set to auto-publish on Friday morning as I’m off on a weekend trip with the family (broadcasting classes don’t start until Monday). Thus, don’t think I’m ignoring you in the comments. I’ll be back Sunday night to check in.

Okay, maybe summer ain't that bad, after all.

It’s the end of July. We’ve officially reached the period where I’m ready for summer to end.

I’m not a summer guy. I don’t like excessive amounts of heat. I’m a fall/winter guy. I like rain and snow –  it’s calm and peaceful.

But here we are.

A month and a half to go until each team’s fan base anoints a preseason standout as their team’s next big thing. Optimism will run rampant. Bets will be made on how many records he’ll shatter.

In a related note, we’re two and a half months away from each one of those preseason studs plying their traits in the AHL or CHL, much to the dismay of local fans who’ve already purchased their jerseys.

But for now, there’s nothing to write about…

–I could write about Maxime Talbot calling Ovechkin “a real douche.” But what sort of analysis could I add to a statement that was based on truth?

–I guess I could write about the recent signings.

–Alexei Ponikarovsky signed with the Kings for $3.2m. Alexander Frolov signed with the Rangers for $3.0m. Both contracts seem about right. Both players will drive fans of their new teams crazy. And both will take their talents to Avangard Omsk in 2011. So, yeah.

–Mason Raymond and Matt Moulson both avoided arbitration and signed ~$2.5m deals with their respective teams, proving once again that one good season in the NHL is the real-life equivalent to winning the lottery.

–One little side note on the Mason Raymond signing: A radio sports show host in Vancouver — and I stress “host” (not “caller”) — said he was initially fearful that the upper-end of Raymond’s contract would be $4.0-$4.5m. Yes, some things are better kept to oneself.

–Andrew Ladd signed for $2.35m, which is damn good for the team. Maybe Ladd should hire a new agent ’cause I’m pretty sure I’d be able to get him more.

–Fabian Brunnstrom re-signed with the Stars for $625k. I’m shocked he has yet to live up to the hype which surrounded him upon his arrival in North America. I mean, most 23-year-old guys who play beer-league hockey in Europe (take that Swedish Elite League!) usually become difference makers when they cross the pond, no?

–That’s pretty much it for the signings that caught my eye (sorry, Mr. Fleschmann and Mr. Perron).

–Hmm, what else can I write about?

–Did you guys hear that the word out of DC is that 2009 1st rounder (24th overall) Marcus Johansson may be the Caps’ answer to fill their 2C void. Here’s a Washington Post article hyping him up a bit. Yes, you’re right, there’s a little too many Nicklas Backstrom comparisons for my liking in that article. Mind you, if he does take the 2C spot, I imagine he’ll be an upgrade over old-man Morrison.

–I’m sure you know at least three people who are going to call the Thrashers the”Atlanta Hawks” this season, and they’ll find it utterly hilarious. A better nickname, however, would be “Chitlanta.” Read it aloud. Okay, on second thought, it’s not much better.

My editor in Angola.

–If you haven’t heard, Down Goes Brown has joined the National Post. In a related story, I’m putting the finishing touches on my contract to become the “hockey insider” for a national paper in Angola. All I have to do is convince them the sport actually exists.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. Water not get hard. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”

–I got a kick out of reading some of the articles on Puck Daddy this week which involved quotes from Russian hockey guys.

There’s this one which includes an interview with Frolov’s agent. Take it away, Sergei Isakov…

The Kings started slow negotiations with Frolov again. I think that Los Angeles is actually concentrating on signing Kovalchuk. [...]  And it was so happening that Frolov’s future in Los Angeles depended on someone else. And it wasn’t nice.

Read the last sentence in Borat voice.

Don’t you know how people are treated in the NHL? If a player has a year left on his contract it is necessary to spoil his season in order not to sign him for big money. That’s what happened with Frolov.

Conspiracy!

Moreover, right now Frolov is almost in New York. He left from one major US city to another, now in the East. It’s a huge city with a lot of temptations.

“Huge city with a lot of tempations?” Lol, was that really necessary to say?

Then there’s this article with quotes from KHL’s President. Take it away, Alexander Medvedev…

I would like to congratulate all hockey fans, especially from St. Petersburg. One of our most renowned and titled defensemen Denis Grebeshkov is coming back to Russia.

Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

He is doing it at the best age for a player – in October he will be 27 years old.

With Grebeshkov’s arrival, the average age of a KHLer now drops to 38.4.

The greatest ever?

The contract is for two years on standard terms. It shows once again that modern hockey players clearly understand why this contract structure is in effect this year. There were no objections from Grebeshkov as to why the contract is a ‘70-30′

Sounds to me like some other free agents didn’t quite like the “70-30″ contract structure and this Medvedev’s way of telling them that they’re not “modern hockey players.” Well played.

I know that Grebeshkov wanted to continue his career in the NHL. And I think that Edmonton made a big mistake by sending to Nashville such a defenseman.

Harsh. Not only are the Oilers having to put up with crap from Souray and Ethan Moreau, they’re also getting trash-talked by the President of the KHL. Damn.

Maybe Denis didn’t have a good season due to an injury. But he fully recovered and he didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs, just like the rest of the Predators. Although we remember that Nashville was only in one round of the playoffs.”

“Didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs.” Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

Then there’s Medvedev’s pandering to Kovalchuk…

He told Pavel Lysenkov of Sovetsky Sport that SKA St. Petersburg of KHL “easily offer Ilya Kovalchuk a contract for the same 17 years like New Jersey … If Kovalchuk likes number 17 that much.”

Kovalchuk comes off like he’s a preschooler who really, really just wants stuff that matches up with his favorite number. I’m guessing his 2nd favorite number is 102,000,000.

And then there’s a required shot at the NHL…

I haven’t spoken with him myself. I don’t want to make his difficult situation any worse. Instead of taking a rest and training, Kovalchuk has to get ready for a court hearing. And these cases, as we know, are unpredictable. There were a lot of instances when players chose to find a peaceful solution with clubs right before hearings.

Going by this quote, it sounds like Medvedev has confused “RFA salary” arbitration with “is the contract legal?” arbitration. Unless I’m missing something and Kovalchuk does have to prove he’s worth $102m going forward. If that’s the case, it is a difficult situation for him to be in, especially when you consider he’s not resting or training.

–So yeah, not much to write about in the middle of summer. Maybe I’ll just talk about my Twitter account which has over 870 followers.

–Rumor has it that Alexander Medvedev is a follower. That would why I’m getting tweets like this sent to me: “Mr. Funny Blades, please make joke about Oilers for moving Great Grebeshkov away. HAHAHA”

–I hope you’re all enjoying your summer. I’ve packed up my DVD player and a couple discs which have hockey games on them, and I’m off to Angola to prove the sport does in fact exist.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. This thing called electricity not real and devil machine you bring me with discs not work. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”

I haven’t done one of these in over 2 weeks. Judging by the few comments this feature elicits, I’m sure you guys have missed it greatly, so who am I do deprive you of this pleasure?

Wait a second, did you see the “[+]” in the title? That’s my brilliant way of giving you a heads up that there’s more to this post than just links.

I bet you’re hella excited and raring to go!

Here … we … go …

Puck Daddy – Greg eulogizes the Paul Bissonnette Twitter account aka @PaulBizNasty aka “the greatest fu*king thing to ever grace the internet”. (Editor’s note: that was the first time in the history of the world that “Paul Bissonnette” and the word “grace” were used in the same sentence.)

Zack Taylor – Whaaaat? A celebrity blog? Yes, my friends, one can never get enough of BizNasty and quotes like this:

“I am 100 percent straight. I don’t know what girls told you that. They are just trying to start a story because they are probably bitter over us kicking them out of our booth at XS Nightclub. As for the photo with that guy back in 2007 – He’s the ex-boyfriend of a girl I dated from Vancouver. We thought it would be funny to take a photo together. I’m not an insecure guy. I’m 100 percent straight… I enjoy banging broads haha!”

There’s also a mini-interview with him here, which includes some insight as to who gets BizNasty’s motor running:

Who his celebrity crush is to sleep with (since all hockey players these days seem to be hooking-up with actresses):

“We call those ‘celebrity kills’ in the dressing room. I think Megan Fox would be up there. She would be my number one.”

Of course, the main attraction in this link is seeing how BizNasty gets down while in Vegas:

Photo courtesy of ZackTaylor.ca

–A celebrity blog link, pictures of a dude in a thong; this probably isn’t a good time to let you guys know that I’m currently addicted to a salad. Not just any salad but a THE GREATEST SALAD KNOWN TO MAN EXIST.

You get some spinach, dress it up with some vinaigrette, add sliced beets, a handful of chopped walnuts and top it off with heaping amounts of goat cheese. It’s so good, I buy the stuff bulk at Costco ’cause I can’t get enough (except the canned beats since they don’t seem to carry those).

In a related note, my wife thinks I’m obsessed about this salad and possibly, just possibly, have more passion for it than anything or anybody.

You know what? She is right.

–Another thing I’ve been meaning to talk about: don’t you just hate it when you’re getting a pedicure and the person… I kid, I kid. My gayness ends at goat cheese salad and sharing pics of BizNasty’s butt muscles.

–See that’s what the “+” sign was for. You know you’re in store for great material when you see the “+” sign. Now unto more links…

This makes up for the previous photo, right?

Intent To Blow – Mike Modano is turning into a joke, but he doesn’t care because he goes to bed with Willa Ford every night. See! See! I’m totally straight! I’m off to play some football. The American kind, not that sissy world kind. ARGH!

–Speaking of football (the sissy kind), BoF reader Rouven hasn’t been heard from since Germany lost. I’m kind of worried something happened.. are you still out there? Or did you just realize how much of a waste of time reading my rambings is, in which case, whatever, man.

–Speaking of football (the macho American kind), here’s another link:

Sports Illustrated – Calling out Brett Favre for his spoiled diva-like behavior. I totally agree every word.

Cowhide and Rubber – Kyle has a great take on why the Ilya contract was declined by the league when other similar deals were allowed. He compares it to a kid trying to push the limit until, finally, the parents have had enough. That’s one of the first things I thought of as well.

Down Goes Brown – DGB compares the NBA’s free agency to the NHL’s. The post itself is funny but the best moment is when DGB responds to comments from readers who questioned as to why an NBA player would need to know how to skate:

Down Goes Brown said…
True fact: In 50% of DGB posts, my favorite joke is hidden in the caption.

(The other 50% of the time it’s some obscure joke that only I’ll find funny, like it mattering whether an NBA player can skate.)

Well played.

2 For Boarding – This new blog written by Jared Clinton caught my eye this week. Good stuff so far, good enough that I’ve added it to my RSS reader.

Stay Classy – Kevin gathers quotes from around the league in reaction to the Kovalchuk signing. Like this one from Eklund:

“When I said the Islanders Kings were going to get Kovalchuk, I meant the Devils. Obviously.”

Bleedin’ Blue – A good take on why the Blues would be smart to lock up Erik Johnson right now. I agree.

Kings Cast – A hilarious and very well produced mini-documentary on the Kovalchuk saga (Days: 1 to 15).

The Rat Trick – As good as the above link was, this post where Frank shares some of the Florida Panthers’ most memorable moments from last season, may cause you even more laughter. There’s five moments:

1. David Booth getting concussed.
2. David Booth getting concussed.
3. David Booth getting concussed Keith Ballard trying to kill his own goalie.
4. Keith Ballard batting the puck into his own goal.
5. And lastly, Kenndal McArdle scoring his first NHL goal.

It’s like Sesame Street… “one of these things is not like the others…”

"He gave up on you, too, so please stop the foolishness."

Ball Don’t Lie – Not a hockey link, but an article that resulted in a facepalm from me.

Basically the author, Kelly Dwyer, mocks some elementary school kids for starting a lemonade stand to help Dan Gilbert pay off the fine for his “f*ck you LeBron” rant. Kelly’s main point is this:

Gilbert was one of the worst enablers in the run that has led to LeBron James’ current role as acting as one of the least self-aware, most self-absorbed entertainers we’ve ever seen. Gilbert allowed James’ inner circle, self-styled “representatives,” to run wild all over the Cavalier organization.

(Yes, because LeBron and his people are self-absorbed and out of touch with reality and  perception — and have been since they were probably, like, 12-years-old –  it’s Gilbert’s fault that LeBron has the ego he does.)

and…

That’s right. LeBron is so tactless, that Gilbert’s immaturity is coming off as heroic, and children have taken to setting up a lemonade stand in order to raise funds to help the Cavaliers’ multimillionaire pay off his fine. A fine that he’ll no doubt be able to pay off once the first of his community-crashing casinos open up just outside of the Cleveland area.

(Gilbert told fans who wanted to help him pay the fine to just donate it to chairty. But besides that, the “community-crashing casinos” comment just reeks of someone who lost his engagement ring money at a casino — hey, we’re all been there and done that, move on, man!)

and finishes with…

But, no, he’s “not a bad man.” I’m sure if Dan swung by your stand, he’d pay you at least a quarter. Maybe even full price. Then he’d sell your parents a predatory loan and point them in the direction of his new casino.

So sell on, young Molly. Because it’s good to have heroes. Even if you find them utterly appalling by the time you hit high school.

(You really schooled these 10-year-old kids, Kelly. Way to show them who’s the man!)

Yeah, facepalm worthy, indeed.

–Russian Machine Never Breaks – A communist link? I’m outraged. Just kidding, my name ain’t Paul Bissonnette. What’s on the other side here is a hilarious look at Kovalchuk’s Facebook updates.

–Did you hear that Marian Hossa got married? Here’s a picture that caught my eye:

I can’t be the only one who thinks they look like the villains in a James Bond film?

And the guy in the middle? You can’t tell me he’s not some hired henchman that’s going to sneak into Bond’s hotel room and try to take him out.

Am I right? Anybody?

–Did you hear that Henrik Zetterberg got married? He and his lovely bride chose a “Where’s Waldo?” themed wedding:

–Here’s another incredibly hot funny photo just because:

–Last night, Adrian Dater — you may remember him from previous posts like this one about the top goalies in the NHL — wrote on Twitter that he’s going to do a top 10 center list and wanted some input.

Off the top of my head, I came up with this:

Crosby, Malkin, Datsyuk, Backstrom, Toews, Getzlaf, Henrik, M. Richards (then toss-up: Kopi, Joe, E. Staal)

Well,  I completely forgot about Zetterberg (probably because he does play wing a lot), Vinny (two off years in a row) and Stamkos (still in show-me mode?).

Thinking back, I’d definitely put Zetterberg in and probably take Kopitar out since he is still in show-me mode as well.

Then there’s Kesler and Mikko Koivu (you may remember the latter from previous posts like this one where I went on and on about how much of a stretch his new contract is). Anyhoo, many people on Twitter last night had Koivu in their top 10 (lol, crazy, right? right?) and I made the point that if Koivu is in the top 10 then Kesler needs to be one spot ahead because he does everything Mikko does, only with more sandpaper.

Needless to say, I’m sure Wild fans wish me hell but the joke is on them ’cause they’re already there having to watch 82 Wild games. HA HA!

–That was mean. Wild fans are a pretty smart bunch and pretty cool. Unlike those bastard Nashiville Predator fans. ZING!

–So what do you guys think about the “+” part of the link post? Never reading another one with that symbol again, are you? Don’t blame ya!

–Time to wrap this puppy up and stuff my face with yummy goat cheese and beets. I may just start injecting the stuff into my veins.

–But before I ago, I must tell you that I changed my “bio” on Twitter to give off a more professional and important aura. After all, I am gunning for Bob McKenzie’s job at TSN. Maybe it’s time to put on a pair of pants as well.

This is my blogging outfit.

I’ve amassed over 800 followers on Twitter; I think it’s time for me to get a little smug. Since the “King” moniker is taken, I think I’m going to call myself  “Emperor” from now on.

“Emperor Blades of Funny”

I like the sound of that.

I wonder if my wife will go along with this new moniker? If she doesn’t, I’ll just have to remind her that I have over 800 followers, which makes me an online celebrity of sorts… and I can do better!

Yes, flat out lie to her until she caves.

Anyhoo, I know you’re dying to get my thoughts on the hockey world so let’s get to them, my loyal subjects…

–First up, I find it utterly amusing that people are trying to defend the Mikko Koivu contract as something other than an “overpayment” by a team desperate to retain their only core forward.

Michael Russo made the following tweets in defense of the signing:

I love all these overpaid comments. This had to be paid to retain him. What were the contracts of the last big centers to hit market?

Sundin, Briere, Drury, Gomez since new CBA came into existence. Sorry, Henrik Sedin was unique. Big centers get their $$ in free agency

I think everyone would agree that the examples listed are bad contracts, thus it doesn’t detract anything from the argument that Koivu was overpaid.

I like Koivu. I’d rather have him than any of the players listed above or someone like Plekanec at $5m (who I also think was paid too much over  too long of a term). But I’d rather have Mike Richards or Ryan Kesler on my team. The former is signed until age 35 at a cap hit of $5.75m, the latter until age 32 at $5m — now, I know they signed their contracts while still being restricted but I think both players compare to Koivu better than anyone else in the league and both gave up a good chunk of their UFA years when they signed their contracts.

At the end of the day, Koivu was overpaid by at least $1 million a year, in my opinion.

The Wild saw the oft-injured Gaborik ($7.5m) and the elder Rolston ($5m) walk in free agency and some say that they couldn’t risk that with Koivu. Blah, I say. The Rolston contract is a bad one and the Gaborik contract is a risky one. To me, Minnesota made the right choices there and have nothing to be ashamed of.

I read others who wrote that Koivu’s agent thought he’d be able to get $7 million on the open market. I doubt it, but even if that would turn out to be true, it doesn’t make it smart. I’m sorry, but I think the smart general managers are the ones who don’t take on contracts that could backfire.

The best case scenario is that Koivu lives up to the contract because I’m sure as sure can be that he won’t be able to surpass it. The contract provides no upside for the Wild and the potential to be really sucky (in my professional blogger opinion). And that’s why I think Koivu is overpaid!

–Prove me wrong, Mikko. Prove me wrong!

–As I’m writing this, Ilya Kovalchuk’s contract was rejected by the NHL. Should be great fun to see what happens next in this saga.

Hey, you think Lamoriello snitched on his owner to Bettman about this one? Yeah, I’m thinking he did.

–Did you hear that Simon Gagne was traded to Tampa for Matt Walker? I’m totally convinced that Holmgren just wants to be Yzerman’s friend and is doing his best to facilitate that process.

Contract up? High five!

–Let’s talk about the Los Angeles Kings and the belief that they’re missing out on everybody this off-season…

I’ve read the Kings need a top-4 defenseman. They have Doughty, Jack Johnson, Scuderi and Greene. They are one or two years away from icing Thomas Hickey (potential top-4 offensive defenseman) and Colten Teubert (physical defenseman who is raw but has the potential to be a top-4 defenseman even with the setbacks).

This is why I was surprised that the Kings were in the running to sign Paul Martin. With Doughty (should get at least $6m) and Johnson (could get $3m if he builds on his progress from last season) up, I’m not sure throwing $5m on another defenseman would have been prudent. If I was the Lombardi, I’d just try to bring in some lower-priced talent like Andy Sutton to bridge the gap to Hickey and Teubert.

I’ve read the Kings need a second line center. Jarret Stoll is signed for the next two years. He’s decent filler as a 2C until Brayden Schenn is ready to assume that role.

I’ve read that the Kings need a left winger. This one I agree with. Kovalchuk would have been a good fit (other than the potential future cap problems) but Gagne would have been an even better fit.

If they managed to get Gagne, they would have gotten the LW help they need without any long-term money commitment that could screw them cap-wise in the future. Gagne really was THE perfect fit. I can only assume that Simon wouldn’t waive his NTC to go to LA because I’m pretty certain that Lombardi was offering something better than Matt Walker.

Now, I imagine they’d probably have to sign either Frolov, Ponikarovsky or maybe even Paul Kariya. All of whom come with their own set of issues.

–Adrian Dater recently put up his top 10 goalie list, which is good for two things: 1) traffic to his article, and 2) causing outrage amongst the internet masses.

I AM OUTRAGED AT THE LIST!

Nah, I’m just mildly amused how anyone could put Bryzgalov (#2) and Craig Anderson (#4) ahead of Roberto Luongo (#5) and Henrik Lundqvist (#8). Smells like recency bias to me.

For the record, if this Emperor had to create a list of goalies he’d want for the upcoming season, it would look like this:

1. Martin Brodeur – The surest thing in goal until he proves otherwise — which, at 38, he may very well do this season.
2. Roberto Luongo – He had an off year, but my money is on him to bounce back, especially with no chance of ever seeing Byfuglien in the playoffs again.
3. Henrik Lundqvist – I have him at #3 because he deserves some respect, dammit! Plus, he’s been a pillar of my fantasy teams for years so I’m biased (like Dater with his Craig Anderson at #4 pick).
4. Ryan Miller – Based on last season, he should be at the top, but let’s see him do it again before we anoint him “great”.
5. Tomas Vokun – Back-to-back years of a .925 SV% can’t be ignored, even though they’re probably due to opposing players just flicking it on goal to kill time.
6. The rest are all interchangeable filler based on year to year. Probably would have Niklas Backstrom at #6, although he’s better as a #1 center (ha ha, I so funny!).

And there you have it! A list that you can NOT argue with because it’s PERFECT and AMAZING and JUST WHOA! (If you do argue, I’m just going to ignore you… or worse: call you “unsmart!”).

–That is all for now. If you’re not following on Twitter, please do so. When I get to 1000 followers, I’ll change my moniker again, from “Emperor” to “God” and that’s going to be…AWESOME!

Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.