First Thought:

Watching Entourage this season got me thinking about how much Gary Bettman must hate that show. Sure it’s free publicity but it’s the exact polar opposite of Gary’s Crosby-Ovechkin marketing strategy. I mean look at this…

This is how most teenage males in America are being introduced to the game of hockey: With Dan Carcillo and the NY Islanders! That’s like being introduced to The Godfather by watching the 3rd installment first.

Second Thought:

This are some damn good “last words” to leave the world with, courtesy of Jack Layton:

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

I just may steal those for my tombstone!

In Closing:

Sorry for the lack of posts but as you can see by the Entourage thoughts, there really ain’t much going on in this brain. Besides, I’m too busy stuffing my face with hazardous levels of fried fish & chips this summer to make hockey posts.

Senile auctioneer Dale Tallon seen here auctioning off his assets to an empty room.

For those of you wondering how much the car repair bill from my last post came to, it was $1500. To raise the cash I had to spend all of February on the street corner turning tricks However, due to “shrinkage” thanks to this awful winter we’re having, I still came up short — at least that’s the excuse I’m sticking to! So now you know why posting has been so light lately.

Here are some thoughts while I bathe the ashamed stench from my body, replacing it with the ashamed stench of a grown man who takes baths.

–Hey, remember the last post where I wrote these brilliant words:

I don’t have much hockey commentary today, but if there was such a thing as being able to buy the Devils stock right now, I’d do it.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had the Devils ranked #4 overall.

–I didn’t participate much on Twitter lately but there were great laughs to be had at the expense of silly reporters on deadline day. Puck Daddy had a great review of all the shenanigans. It’s funny ’cause so many of these media guys take themselves and their jobs so seriously, but in reality they’re just like you and me!

–Speaking of deadline day, let’s talk about the subject of this post: Dale Tallon.

Look, I get the whole “blowing up the team because it sucks and is going nowhere” but besides Niclas Bergfors, Tallon got absolutely nothing in return in this latest fire sale. In fact, if you go back to the Horton and Ballard trades, Tallon really only got Bergfors and two late 1st round picks (used select Nick Njugstad and Quinton Howden). What’s worse is that he’ll probably lose Vokoun for nothing in the summer and still has the Olesz ($3,125,00 untill 2014) and Booth ($4,250,00 until 2015) contracts on the books.

The best trade Tallon made was getting Grabner in the Ballard trade but he then promptly waived Grabner who now has 25 goals and is a +9 (and is used to kill penalties!!!) on Long Island. Hindsight is 20-20 you say, but I voiced this opinion throughout the summer/fall. Grabner is notorious for having crappy training camps so I’m pretty sure Tallon had no clue as to what type of player he was getting in him.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had Tampa Bay ranked #21 overall.

So yeah, Tallon gets a pass because of what he did in Chicago but he made some pretty boneheaded moves over there too.

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Dale Tallon.

The photo Gonchar used on Match.com to lure Bryan Murray last summer.

–Sergei Gonchar has two more years left at $5,500,000!

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Bryan Murray.

–Both the Erik Johnson/1st rounder for Chris Stewart/Kevin Shattenkirk and James Neal/Niskanen for Alex Goligoski trades were pretty fair and good for all teams involved. I’ve read people who chose sides and blasted the trades but I don’t see that as a reasonable take. Every one of those teams got what they needed/wanted.

–If I had to chose one player I’d want out of that bunch, I’d be Erik Johnson. My only concern with him is that he doesn’t strike me as the smartest cat around but hopefully that’ll change with experience and age.

–My wife watched the Oscars so I caught a bit of it (I would ever watch such a non-manly show on my own). People are blasting James Franco as a host, calling him too relaxed and carefree. To those people, I ask: what the f^%k did you expect from Franco? That’s his whole shtick and I’ve never seen him not be himself.

In conclusion, the Oscars and the people who watch them are silly.

//waves goodbye to the one female who reads this blog.

“Bye, Mom!”

–I had a chance to watch a few Ranger games this month (gambling will do that to you) and I was mightily impressed with Ryan McDonagh. That kid is going to be a very fine defenseman in this league for many years to come. Sucks for Habs fans.

–I was looking at the odds to win the Stanley Cup recently and the one that really stuck out for me was Nashville at 34 to 1. Good value there, my friends. The Preds totally strike me as a team built for the playoff grind.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, having the Lightning at 11 to 1 is just silly. No way they win more than one round (if that).

–You know, there’s a chance that Vancouver could meet Chicago in the 1st round and that would be truly epic. I’m sure Canuck fans are relieved they no longer have Big Buff to contend with, but if I were the Hawks coaching staff, I’d call up Kyle Beach, team him up with John Scott, plant both in Luongo’s crease and then count how long it takes for the ‘Nucks to self-destruct. I’d have the self-destruction over/under line set at 2.5 shifts.

–I’m already laughing at the team which overpays a 31-year-old Brad Richards in the summer. Not Gonchar-esque laughing but laughing nevertheless.

–That is all for today. Follow along on Twitter, I’ve lost some followers and would like to get them back just so I could block their rude asses for unfollowing me. You just don’t do such a thing to a man!

–OH, BEFORE I GO. LEAVE SOME COMMENTS, OTHERWISE I WON’T BLOG AGAIN . Yes, that was an empty threat and a pathetic display to get some attention from my reader(s).

"Fools! Blades will never do what he promises to do."

Everywhere I go, people come up to me and say, “Blades, you have over 1000 followers on Twitter, which in this day and age is equivalent to being a nobleman of social media, yet you blog at a frequency that matches that of Oiler victories. How can this be so?”

To them I answer, “My friends, it is true that I am vastly better than those who do not possess 1000 followers, but I do not hold the answers you seek.”

They interrupt me as I’m dining at the finest establishments (like Chi Chong’s All You Cat Eat Buffet, Chip’s Discount Chops And Tune-Ups or whichever place is doing catering for the Minnesota Vikings that week) and they say to me, “Blades, you seem to tweet more about football than hockey. Since it was your hockey writing that brought you such great fame and fortune, how can this be so?”

To them I answer, “My friends, rest assured I do not discount making $0.48 in extra spending money from The Google, but I do not hold the answers you seek.”

Women throw themselves at me and beg, “Blades, will you bestow a great honor upon me and impregnate me with your seed so my that offspring will be blessed with the great gene of nonsense.”

I answer these fair lasses by saying, “My lady, I’m flattered but sad to say that my wife took my impregnating organs away from me many moons ago. If you seek sperm such as mine, go forth and find a hip hop concert.”

So why am I telling you this? It’s because delusion breeds delicious results (unless you’re running the Calgary Flames) and I’m here to make a proclamation.

A proclamation so important that after it’s proclaimed, life shall never be the same (sort of like when the Devils proclaimed they’re going to sign llya to a 15-year contract — but hopefully with better results). Oh yes, once this makes its way outside of the basement from which I do my blogging and finds itself disseminated into the public domain via the 6.5 readers who read the blog (one is a midget), life will forever change.

So what is it, you ask?

Are the rumors true that I’ve been hired as the official blogger for the New York Islanders?

While nothing would please me more than to work for a fine corporation like the Islanders and their almost godly like GM, *wink*, this is not the news I bring you today.

The news I bring… wait a sec, let me make this perfectly clear to whomever is reading this: I think it would be really neat to blog about the finest hockey team ever assembled and bestow praise after praise upon the Islanders for I have never ever seen them do anything dumb or play a bad game of hockey. (Call me, Garth! I do need money!).

Alright, sorry about that…

The proclamation I bring to you today is a promise.

A promise?

Yes, a promise.

A promise that for the week of November 22nd, I will blog EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WEEK. Yes, there will be 5 new posts next week. One each day. After that, we’ll see how things shape up.

Let’s pause for a few minutes so you can take this in and truly grasp the magnitude of what I just laid down, I’ll go change my socks…

…

…

…

Back, the ones without holes feel so much better on my feet.

Now, I realize that my track record of making promises on here has been kind of sketchy — lest we forget the season preview rankings fiasco — but I will go to great lengths to make this true.

For now, I’m off to spend the weekend researching paralegal databases in order to break stories of nepotism and old grudges. Until then, I leave you with the words of a very wise man…

Follow along on Twitter…

"I'm so pretty that even Michael Landsberg wants to look like me."

For the past five months, I’ve been working really hard to assemble this feature, so please respect these rankings like Brian Burke respects a no-trade-clause.

Three quick points I want to make before getting into it…

1. I managed to interview Steve Yzerman and get his input, thus adding instant credibility to the rankings!
2. Drake was also selected to help me because: 1) he’s Canadian and sounds\acts like he took his fair share of Evander Kane-like right hooks, so you know he knows the game; 2) he’s really popular with the younger generation and also friends with LeBron James, which means he must be like a super cool guy.
3. These are, simply put, the best rankings ever created. Other “experts” don’t know what they are talking about unless they copy these rankings word for word.

#30 – New York Islanders

Biggest offseason story: The one where TSN’s Darren Dreger was made to look dumb.
Best case: Matt Moulson proves he’s not 100% dependent on Tavares, only 95%.
Worst case: Tavares gets injured causing Moulson to get sent to the AHL and Rob Schremp becomes the go-to-guy on offense.
Why they’re #30: When one of your goalies is 41 years old and the other one has a body of a 93-year-old, it makes it hard to put you in at #29.
Steve Yzerman says: “Blades, suck my c*ck, you c*ck sucking a**hole!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Islanders:

Bout to roll me a blunt with my list of regrets
burn it all, burn it all, I’m starting fresh
cause half the time I got it right, I probably guessed

Final verdict: They’ll play as good as they look on paper.

#29 – Florida Panthers

"We can play spin the bottle while we wait for David Booth to get removed from the ice."

Biggest offseason story: Made the mistake of thinking their acquisition of the Big 3 (Michael Grabner, Steve Bernier, Dennis Wideman) wouldn’t get overshadowed in the Miami sports world. When it was, they hastily hired someone to do their marketing; a 15-year-old kid from Iowa, who they met while playing NHL 10 on xBox Live.
Best case: Michael Grabner has a breakout year and finishes the season with 30 goals, 20 assists and only a minus-25.
Worst case: Panther fans start thinking how different things would be if they had someone like Rob Schremp on their team.
Why they’re #29: Because they’re always #29.
Steve Yzerman says: “Hey, Blades. How many f*ucking Stanley Cups have you won, a**hole?”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Panthers:

Look at where I landed
You would think I planned it
I’m just doin’ me and you could never understand it

Final verdict: Vokoun and their defensemen will make them better than the Isles, which is, um, awesome, I guess.

#28 – Anaheim Ducks

Biggest offseason story: Played a very fun game of “let’s piss off our 23-year-old two-time 30-goal scorer” all summer long.
Best case: They end up with a top-5 pick in the 2011 draft, who should compliment their top-5 pick from the 2010 draft, Cam Fowler.
Worst case: Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf realize they’re underpaid, form their own union, and go on strike.
Why they’re #28: After Getzlaf, Perry and Ryan (possibly), you have a team which consists of too many players who are either aging or injury-prone or castoff journeymen. Or in the case of Andy Sutton, all three.
Steve Yzerman says: “What’s that, Blades? You’ve won ZERO Stanley Cups? Sh*t, with the way you flap your gums, I would have thought that number would have been much higher.”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Ducks:

Emotions in this game run deep
done a lot of sh*t they never get to do
so before they say this to me in my sleep
I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure
reppin’ to my last second, dude

Final verdict: Not even Scott Niedermayer returning in the middle of the season can save this team.

#27 – Edmonton Oilers

"In Soviet Russia, car drive drunk."

Biggest offseason story: Found out what the rest of us already know: it’s hard working with a drunken Russian.
Best case: If they keep signing enough goalies, eventually one may go on a run like Michael Leighton did in May… which will be an awesome two weeks for Oilers fans.
Worst case: Amidst a 20-game losing streak, the team launches a workplace sexual harassment investigation, where they learn that Khabibulin has been sneaking vodka into the dressing room and corrupting the youngsters.
Why they’re #27: Because I like to be different from every other site who will have them at #30.
Steve Yzerman says: “Classy, man, making fun of alcoholism and Russians. You’re a bi*ch, Blades!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Oilers:

man, they treat me like a legend
am I really this cold?
I’m really too young to be feeling this old
it’s about time you admit it, who you kidding, man
nobody’s ever done it like I did (ugh)

Final verdict: While it looks like it’ll be another long year in Edmonton, I can see this team climbing a bit higher in the rankings. Either way, Edmonton fans can take solace in that someone other than the Grim Reaper finally got to benefit from Dany Heatley’s douchiness.

#26 – Minnesota Wild

Biggest offseason story: The huge-dollar contract extension given to Mikko Koivu sparked a spirited debate between diehard Minnesota Wild fans and those who actually have a brain.
Best case: Given that he’s such an amazing defensive center, there’s a good chance that Koivu’s negative +/- rating last season was a one-off. If he gets back in black and posts 70+ points again, he’ll only be slightly overpaid.
Worst case: *yawn*
Why they’re #26: I’m not 100% sure, but I think I’d rather take the Leafs’ forwards over their Wild’s, which means I may be a little generous with this ranking.
Steve Yzerman says: “You sh*thead! The Dan Snyder reference in the last ranking was absolutely tasteless. If I ever see you in person, I swear to God… ARGH! F*CK!”
Let’s hear what Drake has to say about the Wild:

look
uhh
this is me
still the same
they want the hits
I play the game
no auto tune, but you can feel the Pain
it all comes spilling out like I hit a vein

Final verdict: The only time you should concern yourself with the Wild this year is if you have trouble falling asleep. Think of them as a cheaper alternative to an Ambien prescription.

This concludes the first part of the season preview. Stay tuned for ranks #25 to #21 which will be posted sometime soon (hopefully before October). In the meantime, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter ’cause I’m *this* close to living out of my childhood dream of having 1000 followers. Granted, I always envisioned having to start a cult to get to that number; never imaged a hockey blog would do the trick.

Okay, maybe summer ain't that bad, after all.

It’s the end of July. We’ve officially reached the period where I’m ready for summer to end.

I’m not a summer guy. I don’t like excessive amounts of heat. I’m a fall/winter guy. I like rain and snow –  it’s calm and peaceful.

But here we are.

A month and a half to go until each team’s fan base anoints a preseason standout as their team’s next big thing. Optimism will run rampant. Bets will be made on how many records he’ll shatter.

In a related note, we’re two and a half months away from each one of those preseason studs plying their traits in the AHL or CHL, much to the dismay of local fans who’ve already purchased their jerseys.

But for now, there’s nothing to write about…

–I could write about Maxime Talbot calling Ovechkin “a real douche.” But what sort of analysis could I add to a statement that was based on truth?

–I guess I could write about the recent signings.

–Alexei Ponikarovsky signed with the Kings for $3.2m. Alexander Frolov signed with the Rangers for $3.0m. Both contracts seem about right. Both players will drive fans of their new teams crazy. And both will take their talents to Avangard Omsk in 2011. So, yeah.

–Mason Raymond and Matt Moulson both avoided arbitration and signed ~$2.5m deals with their respective teams, proving once again that one good season in the NHL is the real-life equivalent to winning the lottery.

–One little side note on the Mason Raymond signing: A radio sports show host in Vancouver — and I stress “host” (not “caller”) — said he was initially fearful that the upper-end of Raymond’s contract would be $4.0-$4.5m. Yes, some things are better kept to oneself.

–Andrew Ladd signed for $2.35m, which is damn good for the team. Maybe Ladd should hire a new agent ’cause I’m pretty sure I’d be able to get him more.

–Fabian Brunnstrom re-signed with the Stars for $625k. I’m shocked he has yet to live up to the hype which surrounded him upon his arrival in North America. I mean, most 23-year-old guys who play beer-league hockey in Europe (take that Swedish Elite League!) usually become difference makers when they cross the pond, no?

–That’s pretty much it for the signings that caught my eye (sorry, Mr. Fleschmann and Mr. Perron).

–Hmm, what else can I write about?

–Did you guys hear that the word out of DC is that 2009 1st rounder (24th overall) Marcus Johansson may be the Caps’ answer to fill their 2C void. Here’s a Washington Post article hyping him up a bit. Yes, you’re right, there’s a little too many Nicklas Backstrom comparisons for my liking in that article. Mind you, if he does take the 2C spot, I imagine he’ll be an upgrade over old-man Morrison.

–I’m sure you know at least three people who are going to call the Thrashers the”Atlanta Hawks” this season, and they’ll find it utterly hilarious. A better nickname, however, would be “Chitlanta.” Read it aloud. Okay, on second thought, it’s not much better.

My editor in Angola.

–If you haven’t heard, Down Goes Brown has joined the National Post. In a related story, I’m putting the finishing touches on my contract to become the “hockey insider” for a national paper in Angola. All I have to do is convince them the sport actually exists.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. Water not get hard. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”

–I got a kick out of reading some of the articles on Puck Daddy this week which involved quotes from Russian hockey guys.

There’s this one which includes an interview with Frolov’s agent. Take it away, Sergei Isakov…

The Kings started slow negotiations with Frolov again. I think that Los Angeles is actually concentrating on signing Kovalchuk. [...]  And it was so happening that Frolov’s future in Los Angeles depended on someone else. And it wasn’t nice.

Read the last sentence in Borat voice.

Don’t you know how people are treated in the NHL? If a player has a year left on his contract it is necessary to spoil his season in order not to sign him for big money. That’s what happened with Frolov.

Conspiracy!

Moreover, right now Frolov is almost in New York. He left from one major US city to another, now in the East. It’s a huge city with a lot of temptations.

“Huge city with a lot of tempations?” Lol, was that really necessary to say?

Then there’s this article with quotes from KHL’s President. Take it away, Alexander Medvedev…

I would like to congratulate all hockey fans, especially from St. Petersburg. One of our most renowned and titled defensemen Denis Grebeshkov is coming back to Russia.

Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

He is doing it at the best age for a player – in October he will be 27 years old.

With Grebeshkov’s arrival, the average age of a KHLer now drops to 38.4.

The greatest ever?

The contract is for two years on standard terms. It shows once again that modern hockey players clearly understand why this contract structure is in effect this year. There were no objections from Grebeshkov as to why the contract is a ‘70-30′

Sounds to me like some other free agents didn’t quite like the “70-30″ contract structure and this Medvedev’s way of telling them that they’re not “modern hockey players.” Well played.

I know that Grebeshkov wanted to continue his career in the NHL. And I think that Edmonton made a big mistake by sending to Nashville such a defenseman.

Harsh. Not only are the Oilers having to put up with crap from Souray and Ethan Moreau, they’re also getting trash-talked by the President of the KHL. Damn.

Maybe Denis didn’t have a good season due to an injury. But he fully recovered and he didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs, just like the rest of the Predators. Although we remember that Nashville was only in one round of the playoffs.”

“Didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs.” Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

Then there’s Medvedev’s pandering to Kovalchuk…

He told Pavel Lysenkov of Sovetsky Sport that SKA St. Petersburg of KHL “easily offer Ilya Kovalchuk a contract for the same 17 years like New Jersey … If Kovalchuk likes number 17 that much.”

Kovalchuk comes off like he’s a preschooler who really, really just wants stuff that matches up with his favorite number. I’m guessing his 2nd favorite number is 102,000,000.

And then there’s a required shot at the NHL…

I haven’t spoken with him myself. I don’t want to make his difficult situation any worse. Instead of taking a rest and training, Kovalchuk has to get ready for a court hearing. And these cases, as we know, are unpredictable. There were a lot of instances when players chose to find a peaceful solution with clubs right before hearings.

Going by this quote, it sounds like Medvedev has confused “RFA salary” arbitration with “is the contract legal?” arbitration. Unless I’m missing something and Kovalchuk does have to prove he’s worth $102m going forward. If that’s the case, it is a difficult situation for him to be in, especially when you consider he’s not resting or training.

–So yeah, not much to write about in the middle of summer. Maybe I’ll just talk about my Twitter account which has over 870 followers.

–Rumor has it that Alexander Medvedev is a follower. That would why I’m getting tweets like this sent to me: “Mr. Funny Blades, please make joke about Oilers for moving Great Grebeshkov away. HAHAHA”

–I hope you’re all enjoying your summer. I’ve packed up my DVD player and a couple discs which have hockey games on them, and I’m off to Angola to prove the sport does in fact exist.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. This thing called electricity not real and devil machine you bring me with discs not work. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”