Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

I haven’t done one of these in weeks and I’m making some huge changes with this series. Taking it in a whole different direction. Okay, really, just one change:  I dropped the “Friday” part from the title of the series because it didn’t make any sense when posted on another day. Branding be damned! If I had any long-time readers, it would be difficult for them to adjust to the new format. Thank goodness I don’t.

No hate mail, please. Thanks.

National Post – Bruce Arthur wrote a great piece on Brian Burke marching in a Pride Parade and, thereby, keeping a promise he made to his late son.

For all of the laughs and chuckles I have at Brian’s expense, I’ve always been impressed by the principles he lives by; even if many are crazy egotistical.

The world could use more men like him. I’m sure Bruins fans agree.

Oh man, make it stop! That’s what Brian said!

Okay, I’m going to hell. Just like Brian will according to the Christians!

I can’t stop, guys. Brian just can’t stop lovin’ them.

ENOUGH!

Hockey Independent -  Justin M. makes a pro-Kovalchuk case with regards to the Isles. I don’t agree with some of what’s said, but it’s a well-written and thought-out piece which gives the other side of my stance on this issue.

One thing I strongly disagree with is made in point #4:

With future extensions for Okposo, Tavares, Bailey, and the other prospects coming up, we obviously want to be very careful, however, we have enough room to sign them all to $7 million a year contracts and still have some cap space, that’s how well Snow has done financially. Furthermore, Yashin’s contract buyout dips down from a $4 million cap hit to only $2 million cap hit after this year, freeing up another $2 million. Also, we must remember that the salary cap increases anywhere from $1-2 million per year, freeing up even more space for the Islanders. If people are complaining that we are going to become Chicago Blackhawks 2.0, I think they better look again. The Islanders have kept players at such reasonable values that bringing in a player like Kovalchuk will not affect us financially, whatsoever! Bring on any “cap-ologist” and he will tell you the exact same thing

The Islanders “kept players at such reasonable values” because Snow’s roster is filled with entry-level guys and misfits that fill out the depth chart + Mark Streit and goaltending. It’s easy to stay economical when that’s the case. Most fans think short-term and are quick to cast aside cap issues for another day, but that free space can fill up quick when your players come off entry-level contracts and you start bringing in guys to upgrade your depth. Also, if the NHL’s cap number increases, so will future contracts.

I’m not against signing him at $10m, but it has to be for 5-6 years max. We’ve seen it time and time again with players that hit their mid 30′s and can no longer produce like they once could. How is it going to feel in 2016 when a 33-year-old Kovy is barely able to get 30 goals/60 points and still has 4 years left at that ticket? That’s not an unrealistic scenario.

Intent To Blow -  ITB has been coming out with some hilarious stuff, like this piece that ties Ilya to the Russian spies arrested by the FBI. When you visualize what’s written, it’s laugh-out-loud stuff. Clink.

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis takes Mike Brophy to task. I’m not saying that if my 93-year-old grandma wrote a hockey column, she’d bring more to the table than Brophy, but yeah, she would. And she has never seen a game.

"How could my brother do this to me?"

Flames Insider – Looks like Daymond Langkow’s season (and possibly his career) might be in trouble due to his crappy play his neck injury. This could turn out to be a break  for Sutter in not only the salary cap department (clearing room to sign Ian White without needing to make any more moves) but also the Jokinen PR department (since Olli was arguably the 2nd best UFA center available behind Lombardi). So the Jokinen signing gets upgraded from “OH MY GOD!!! WHY THE F*UCK DID HE DO THAT?!” to a “OH MY GOD!!! Why the f*ck did he do that?”

Flames Nation – I always enjoy reading Kent Wilson’s opinions on the Flames and in this one, he shares his views on their recent signings. If you’re wondering what he thinks of Olli’s puck-handling, wonder no more…

He handles the puck like a man stickhandles a brick with a fishing rod.

Puck Update -  Steven Ovadia takes a stab at figuring out what Sutter was thinking on July 1st. I know we’re getting a little too much Flames stuff in the links today but how could I not link to an article that includes the following line:

I think at this point in his career with the Flames, Iginla is just happy when the correct number of players show up for a game.

Don’t Trade Vinny – How Yzerman was able to unload Meszaros’ contract. Very funny.

Speaking of which, if you read my post on Saturday, I asked for some feedback on Meszaros because he was being portrayed by the media as the exact opposite of how I’ve always thought of him. DTV and Kevin from Stay Classy shared their thoughts in the comment section of that post. I love being right.

Down Goes Brown – DGB takes a look at some notable signings from recent years. A snippet:

Jason Blake, Toronto, 2007 – The Leafs agree to terms with Blake early in the day, although the actual contract signing is delayed several hours due to technical problems after it’s discovered that John Ferguson Jr. had earlier tried to fax himself a grilled cheese sandwich.

Sports Pickle – The 8 “athletes” you’ll see at the beach this summer. Not a hockey link but hilarious and fitting:

2. The Long-Distance Swimmer

In the water there is a generally agreed upon distance from the shore — about 50 yards or so — that no one goes beyond. And if you do, the lifeguard whistles you back closer to shore. But the Long-Distance Swimmer guy can’t hear the whistle because his head is in the water and he’s flailing away, apparently training to be the first man to swim across the Atlantic. Nor does he care, because he is Long-Distance Swimmer guy. No teenage lifeguard is going to stand in his way of immortality. No, the teenage lifeguard will only delay his mortality when he swims out to save Long-Distance Swimmer guy, who started to get tired and is now panicking and flailing around upon seeing he’s way way WAY too far out from shore.

Well, that’s that! Don’t forget to follow along on Twitter. To further market my Twitter stream, I plan to share with my followers candid bikini photos of my wife at the beach (just kidding, hun … *snap* *click* … oh yeah!).

Lots to talk about today so I’ll dive right in:

What's this guy all about?

–Let’s talk about Andrej Meszaros. If you’ve seen him play day in and day out, can you please explain to me what type of player he is?

I keep reading that he is a physical shutdown defenseman. I am baffled by this. From what I’ve know about him, while he does block shots, he’s nowhere near being a shutdown guy. And as far as him being physical? I find that wrong, too.

He always struck me as more of an offensive defensive who sh*t the bed when he went to Tampa. Kind makes me want to compare him to a Keith Ballard-type, who is a good #3 or #4 dman but sucks as a #1. Am I right, or way off? Somebody with info please explain… DTV (Bots)? … Kevin (Sens)? … Anybody?

I’m just baffled that the media guys are calling him a physical shutdown guy.

–Speaking of the Flyers, I had a pretty good conversation going on Twitter with regards to Gagne and Carter.

News broke yesterday that Holmgren has asked Gagne to waive his NTC and I thought this would please Flyers fans since trading Simon means that Carter stays.

Flyers fans were quick and passionate to say that is not the case. Gagne is a heart and soul guy in Philly, while Carter is seen as a lazy bastard. Good post here by Broad Street Hockey that explains this better than I can.

This surprised me because  I’d take, without hesitation, Carter over Gagne  if I were going forward. Holmgren must be feel the same way since Gagne is the guy headed out.

"Yay! I'm not injured today!"

–This leads me to ask: where is Gagne going and for what? If it’s a salary dump to sign a #1 goaltender, then I’m baffled as to why they would give $1.5m to Leighton. I’m also baffled why they would pay Jody freakin’ Shelley $1.1m and take on Meszaros’ contract.

You’ve got to think the Flyers would have been better off with Gagne and some $2m defenseman like Andy Sutton filling out the #5 D spot rather than grabbing Meszaros’ contract and thus handcuffing themselves with Gagne, Carter, Leino, and Giroux all up next summer.

Philly’s moves so far are baffling to me. I think I’ve used that word too much already!

–Remember my UFA prediction post? I nailed 2 destinations out of the 13 which have signed already (Kubina and Hamhuis). I also nailed Jokinen, which was done as a joke but I’m still counting it. So 3 out of 13. Just like my test scores in grade school!

–Of course, Kovalchuk hasn’t committed yet. Big news broke last night that the Islanders are making a push and offering a 10 year contract at $10m a season.

Let me address the 10 year at $10m contract with one word: INSANE!

I like Kovalchuk and I’m not a hater of his game, but unless you’re signing a 21-year-old Ovechkin, Crosby or, maybe, Malkin, you’re nuts if you are offering this contract out.

The most popular  justifications for it are: 1)  they need to hit the cap floor, so why not him?;  2) attracting a free agent to the Isles is hard.

The second one is easy to answer. If they win, they’ll have no problems attracting talent. But he’ll help them win, you say? Well, at $10m they won’t have any money to attract any free agents!

The first one (cap floor) may be an issue this year but it certainly won’t be an issue in the future. Just think when Tavares, Bailey, Okposo, Niederreiter and others players who develop (like de Haan or their top 5 pick next year *cheeky grin*) have to re-up. At that time, a $10m Kovalchuk contract will be crippling.

If it’s a 5 or 6 year contract that takes Ilya up to age 32/33, then I have no issue with it. It’s the final 4 years of a 10 year contract where I say you have to pass on at that price. Especially if you’re trying to build the team via the draft and develop (and retain) your own players.

"In Soviet Russia, I'm going to be SUPER RICH!"

If people argue that the Luongo and Hossa contracts may have been mistakes at cap hits in the low $5m, then I can’t see how anyone could think a $10m cap hit for 10 years for basically a sniper (a damn good one, but that’s the only thing he brings to the table) is a good move.

Sometimes the best deal is one that doesn’t happen (see: Gillis offering Mats Sundin $20m over 2 years) and a GM is better off doing nothing than doing something that handcuffs the team (see: Dale Tallon signing Huet and Campbell).

Cliff-note version of my opinion on Kovy: 5/6 years at $10m per = justified, 10 years at $10m per = dumb.

–You know what I’m thinking now? Paul Martin at $5m per season for 5 years is kinda crazy. I think we were all bamboozled by the UFA hype here. Myself included, but I’m catching myself right now and saying that his contract may turn out to have been ill-advised. We’ll see.

–I’m starting to warm up to the Ballard trade that Gillis pulled off when it’s coupled with the Hamhuis signing. But getting back to Meszaros (and if he’s really as good as Holmgren and the media are making him out to be), how does he go for only a 2nd round pick when Ballard went for a 1st rounder and a pretty decent prospect in Grabner (I’m not including Bernier in the conversation because he sucks).

I’d rather have Ballard over Meszaros but it seems like Gillis overpaid.

–Another point about the Canucks: I heard that Cody Hodgson is not on the list to attend their prospect camp. That strikes me as being strange. He should be there even if it’s just as a PR thing after the perceived tension between the organization and player this past season.

(BoF edit: fyi, Trevor (his blog) left a comment saying there’s nothing controversial here: “It’s pretty typical of how the Canucks usually manage their prospect camps…2 or 3 and then you graduate to the main training camp.”)

–And yet another Canucks note: With Bieksa being in play, the Columbus Blue Jackets are rumored to be interested in him and putting Filatov in play. I can’t imagine it would be a straight-up type of trade but if it is, Gillis should take a private plane to Ohio and seal that deal.

Bieksa is a dumb hockey player who makes dumb decisions. He has the ability to put up 40 points but he’s not worth the headache, in my opinion. At 29, there’s no upside there. He is what he is: inconsistent and nothing more than a 4th defenseman on the depth chart.

–Last but not least. I’m sad to report that my Argentinean soccer team lost today to Germany. Having made a bet with BoF reader Rouven, I now have to support Germany in their efforts for the Golden Trophy. So……

GO GERMANY!

*cringe*

Well, since I’m forced to support them, I might as well find a reason why.

Behold the reason…

That’s nice and all, but really does not compare to where my loyalty lies…

Woo hoo! Finally Argentina defeats Germany at something today!

If you are a hockey fan, you’ve no doubt heard about Vancouver’s Green Men. They’re a YouTube sensation; have their own website; even a Twitter account.

But who are these spandex-draped weirdos?

What if they’re a couple NHL players with too much time on their hands?

Maybe ’cause they didn’t make the playoffs? (Yes, I  do realize they were around during the regular season but stop bugging me with facts and let me set up the post, damn it!)

We did some brainstorming at Blades of Funny headquarters and came up with a few possible names; We also eliminated others.

Blades of Funny Brainstorms Possible NHL Players Moonlighting As The Green Men

Never seen them carrying a defibrillator: Jonas Gustavsson.

Nor an inflated sense of entitlement: Dion Phaneuf.

They move around: Wade Redden.

Yet, don’t pull a hamstring: Marian Gaborik.

They aren’t rushed to the ER when they partake in fun: Erik Johnson.

Nor when they just stand up: Rick DiPietro.

They love attention and have the cash to buy prime seats: Mike Commodore.

And they’re able to remember where those seats are located: David Booth.

Not that we’re looking, but both appear to have a full package: Phil Kessel.

However, they keep that covered up: Jiri Tlusty.

In real life, they don’t come off like sensitive cry babies: Sheldon Souray.

Nor do they on Twitter: Martin Havlat.

In fact, they appear to be very happy with their place in the world: Tomas Kaberle.

When their image comes up on screen, it’s always good for a few laughs: Jeff Finger.

We said laughs, not gaffes: Vesa Toskola.

Everyone in the arena cheers when they appear on the Jumbotron: Evander Kane.

And not ’cause the visiting coach selected them for the shootout: Olli Jokinen.

Their whole gig is based upon getting inside the opposition’s head: Steve Ott.

Not literally: Colton Orr

They don’t randomly assault the opposition: Mike Komisarek.

Nor each other: Keith Ballard.

Never seen a puddle of blood underneath them: Zenon Konopka.

Nor a puddle of sweat: Nikolai Khabibulin.

Never heard them give random analysis about other teams: R.J. Umberger.

Nor about fashion: Sean Avery.

We’ve seen them in the playoffs: Jay Bouwmeester.

And they didn’t fold under the pressure: Alexander Semin.

You: huh?
BoF: what’s the problem, sir/ma’am?
You: you said the list only consists of non-playoff players.
BoF: well…did semin really play in the playoffs?
You: no, I guess not.
BoF: sooooo he could very well have been in vancouver.
You: true.
BoF: there you go.
You: that’s brilliant.
BoF: thank you.
You: no, that was BRILLIANT. You are a genius, man.
BoF: what can I say, I’m pretty good at this stuff.
You: uhhh…I was being sarcastic.
BoF: that’s mighty small of you.
You: that’s what she said.
BoF: about you?
You: no, about you!
BoF: how come?
You: what?
BoF: what?
You: you’re retarded.
BoF: I know you are but what am I?
You: not funny.
BoF: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
You: [hits ctrl+w]

Well, since nobody is reading anymore, I guess there’s no point in finishing. Good thing too as the only other things I have is some Steve Mason jokes and maybe a jab or two at the Florida Panthers. I couldn’t think of a joke about Lecavalier and his constant trade rumors, nor could I think of a midget joke for St. Louis (Martin, not the city, though I’m sure the city has its fair share of midgets too). Yup, all out of material on this one. Maybe if you follow me on Twitter, I’ll come up with something. Better yet, maybe you will.

In this series, Blades of Funny pays homage to the teams that have departed us this season.

To set the mood, we recommend you play the song that inspired the title: “End Of The Line” by the Traveling Wilburys — the most underrated song in music history (that’s no hyperbole, my friend, it really is that dear to our hearts).

In this time of grief, let us now say something positive about these teams. They’ve reached the end of the line, but it doesn’t have to end there (well, technically it does).

New York Rangers

It’s all right… proving all the haters wrong, Marian Gaborik played 76 games this season.
Unfortunately… his inactivity during the final shootout of the season caused his hamstring to tighten up and as a result, well, you know.

Atlanta Thrashers

It’s all right… on the final weekend of the season, Evander Kane became THE most popular player in the NHL.
Unfortunately… because of the vast amount of free beer he consumes over the summer, come September he will be overweight…and also an alcoholic.

Carolina Hurricanes

It’s all right… at one point during the season, the team was battling the Leafs for the basement, but a decent second half propelled it to 11th in the conference.
Unfortunately… they really would have been better off in the basement since, unlike the Leafs, they still possess their draft picks.

New York Islanders

It’s all right… with the drafting of John Tavares, Islanders fans finally have a superstar that they can follow.
Unfortunately… we’re not sure how many Kansas City games are going to televised in the Long Island region in 2012.

Florida Panthers

It’s all right… at least the team dodged a bullet by not re-signing Jay Bouwmeester for huge money.
Unfortunately… star winger, David Booth, wasn’t as slick when it came to dodging bullets and now has a hole in his brain.

Toronto Maple Leafs

It’s all right… last summer, nobody thought the Leafs would be able to acquire two franchise players in such a short span, but those doubters were proven wrong.
Unfortunately… Burke traded said players to Boston.

St. Louis Blues

It’s all right… the team sanctioned golf cart driving courses paid of this year; everyone passed the course.
Unfortunately… all the Blues’ young players were so nervous about the road test that they stopped concentrating on hockey.

Calgary Flames

It’s all right… the organization is closer than ever to firing anyone with the surname “Sutter”.
Unfortunately… fans will face a few tense weeks when news breaks that a “McGuire” has sent in his resume.

Anaheim Ducks

It’s all right… at least management dodged a bullet when they realized, right before the deadline, that Vesa Toskala was on their roster.
Unfortunately… Jason Blake’s name managed  to elude them.

Dallas Stars

It’s all right… the retirement of Mike Modano and departure of Marty Turco will bring a sense of change to the team.
Unfortunately… the organization risks alienating their fan base when fans become confused as to why their team no longer deploys the heavily-padded 3rd defenseman like they have over the past nine seasons.

Edmonton Oilers

It’s all right… unlike their neighbors to the south, the Oilers will enter next season with a solid core of prospects in their organization.
Unfortunately… the rogue parking enforcement officer has already been seen running their plates through the system in anticipation.

Minnesota Wild

It’s all right… a sense of optimism and change ran rampant in the area when new management was overheard saying stuff like: “bringing in a game-changer,” and “playing an open run-n-gun style.”
Unfortunately… they were just making small talk about the Minnesota Vikings.

Columbus Blue Jackets

It’s all right… despite the rough season, the BJs still managed to make life miserable for Brian Burke by locking up Rick Nash.
Unfortunately… life was even more miserable for Blue Jackets fans as they watched Andrew Raycroft Steve Mason regress.

Not following along on twitter? Can’t say that I blame you.