July 13th, 2010

To: Dan Gilbert
Cleveland Cavaliers
Cleveland, OH

Dearest Dan Gilbert,

I am writing this letter to offer you my fullest support in light of what has transpired the past week. If you are unfamiliar with me, I am commissioner of the National Hockey League. You may have heard about our organization before.

After reading your heartfelt letter addressing the fans of the Cleveland Cavaliers, I can tell that you are a man of principle; a man who values loyalty and doing what’s right above all else.

You and I share these things in common, Mr. Gilbert.

I for one have been fighting the fight of my life to save the Phoenix Coyotes from pulling a LeBron of their own. Evil men have been trying to lure the team away from its roots in Arizona. Some have even wanted to replant the franchise in Winnipeg.  I’m sure you’d agree that such a move would be an egregious act to lay on the loyal hockey fans in Phoenix.

I’m certain that as a fellow human being who values doing what’s right over money and common sense, you will jump at the opportunity to correct this injustice.

With this in mind, I am offering you an opportunity to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes. You, my good sir, can continue your crusade for justice in sports by taking the role of white knight in the Phoenix hockey community.

Here are a few selling points on why hockey is the sport for you:

• Self-promotion is a vice that we have never suffered from. To demonstrate this, we are fully prepared to bar our players from further participation in the Olympic Winter Games.
  
• You’ll never have to worry about any of our athletes appearing on ESPN. If they do choose to appear on a network, it’ll be Versus, and if they appear on Versus, do they REALLY appear? I think you and I both know the answer to that one.
• As you’ll find out when you become an NHL owner, the use of wacky fonts in correspondence is very commonplace. BRIAN BURKE LOVES USING THE “IMPACT” FONT. Glen Sather always uses “Broadway BT”. And then there’s Darryl Sutter who just communicates by drawing stuff…



• Do you hate it when one of your restricted free agents gets an offer sheet? You don’t have to worry about that in our game. Which reminds me, I need to make a phone call to Doug Wilson after I finish up here.
  
• Jesse Jackson has never once voiced his displeasure with the NHL. Not because we have very few African-American athletes, but rather because our league just doesn’t provide enough of a public platform for him to bother us.
• The only vocal person you should be concerned with in our game is Don Cherry. If you do get on his bad side, however, just make a joke about French-Canadians or Europeans and you’ll be fine.

You have given so much and deserve much more than the sport of basketball has given you, Mr. Gilbert. If you buy the Phoenix Coyotes and join our hockey family…

I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE PHOENIX COYOTES WILL WIN THE STANLEY CUP

You can take it to the bank. Just ask the hockey fans in Vancouver or Detroit, I have the power to make things happen.

So how about it, Mr. Gilbert? Can I call you Danny, btw?

Let’s put an end to narcissism and shameful actions in the sports world togehter.

Signed,
Gary B. Bettman
Commissioner, National Hockey League

P.S.  In your letter you wrote:

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

This is news to me. Can you please clarify. Call me:  1-800-GARY-BETTS.

Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

Quick post to wrap up my thoughts on day 1 of free agency.

My three favorite signings:

1. Zbynek Michalek – I’ve been really high on Michalek and at a $4 million cap hit, the Penguins got themselves a gem of a shutdown guy. I prefer Michalek at $4m over Martin at $5m.
2. Dan Hamhuis – Like any free agent, he’s been talked-up a bit more than he probably deserves but while the term may be a bit high, a $4.5m cap hit is more than fair for a guy who will slot in on the top pairing in Vancouver.
3. Colby Armstrong – I like this signing by Burke and I’m quite surprised that many people don’t. Colby is a great character guy in the room, he goes hard and is responsible defensively. I just think he’s a very good fit for the Leafs and for what Burke is trying to do there (even if he’s paid $500,000 more than you’d optimally like).

My three least favorite signings:

1. Sergei Gonchar – Giving the 36-year-old a 3 year contract at $5.5m per is asking for trouble. If he was 34 then I could see this but at this point in his career, it can backfire fast. Injuries, defensive concerns, and tapered play due to age are all very realistic risks. I think the Senators would have been much better off if they targeted Michalek instead.
2. Derek Boogaard – Unless he was hired to assassinate Crosby, Ovechkin and every other star in the East, it still boggles my mind as to why Sather would give him $1.625m over FOUR YEARS!!! Crazy.
3. Dan Ellis – People seem to like the 30-year-old Ellis, which I assume is due to the 37 games he started in 07/08 (and went 23-10 with 2.34 GAA and a .924 SV%). Since then he’s been below-average at best. I just don’t see him as being anything more than a backup who should max out at 20 games a year.

Some more quick thoughts before I head off to bed:

1. The Jokinen thing makes for great laughs but at $3 million, hockey-wise, it’s not a bad contract. If you take out all the drama around it, we may look back and say, “hey, that turned out alright.”
2. It seems like the hype around Volchenkov getting $5m+ was more smoke and mirrors. At $4.25m, it’s fair value without much, if any, UFA inflation.
3. No contract given today really shocked me besides the Boogaard and Gonchar’s term. If Gonchar received $5.5m on a 1-year deal, I’d have no problem with it. The rest were all inline with my thinking, give or take $500,000.
4. Actually, that’s not true. I did think that Chris Mason would have gotten more than he did. That’s why I think Yzerman should have chosen him over Ellis. Then again, maybe Mason didn’t want to go to Tampa.
5. While the top UFAs didn’t get shocking money, they did get their fair share of term. Martin, Hamhuis, Volchenkov and Michalek all got 5 or 6 years each. That’s a long commitment, especially to Martin and Volchenkov.
6. I kept hearing that the Kings were interested in Martin. I’m not sure that would have been a good fit especially if they also plan on getting Kovalchuk. They need to have some flexibility going forward to avoid a Blackhawks problem and committing $5m to Martin wouldn’t have given them that.
7. Speaking of which, are the Blackhawks still the Blackhawks? They’ve sure taken one hit after another the past 10 days.

That’s all from me. It was a pretty fun day. Don’t forget to follow along on Twitter if you’re not already doing so. Don’t forget!

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

–Congratulations to the Blackhawks on winning the Cup. Just goes to show that if you suck for a decade, get some high picks, steal a few players via trade, and then sign some role players into the mix, you can achieve success. Basically the exact opposite approach that the Leafs have employed (besides the suck for a decade thing).

–I was too young to watch the Oilers win their first Cup but I imagine that the Hawks are the closest thing we’ve seen to that Oilers team of the 80′s. An Oilers-lite version, if you will. If not for the salary cap, they could very well become a dynasty. But with the cap, that’s not likely. I can certainly see them winning another Cup or two in the next 6 years but no way can they capture 4 over that span.

–The bonuses that carry over to next year are just a killer. Obviously, Huet will be parked in the AHL, but then what?

The names that are bandied about are Sharp, Versteeg and Byfuglien. If I had to choose one of those three to move, it would definitely be Big Buff. There is no better time to move him than right now, when his stock is at an all-time high. (Plus he becomes RFA next season, and with Seabrook also up, next summer can become messy too.)

I’d have a hard time getting rid of  Versteeg or Sharp. They’re the guys that give Chicago that killer depth that’s been such a key to the way they play the game.

–But humor me for a second: Is Brian Campbell untradeable?  I wouldn’t be surprised if some team takes the bait and snags him. After all, the Rangers managed to unload Gomez last year.

–The reason I think Campbell is tradeable is because of Tomas Kaberle. I’m shocked at what some people (Brian Burke included) think that Kaberle can fetch. Granted there are some major differences contract-wise but a team would basically have to give up nothing to acquire Campbell — I would think anyway.

And yeah, I think Kaberle is over-hyped but he does have fair contract. If Campbell was a $5m cap hit, that would make a world of difference. But then you’d have to give up assets in return. It’s all a give and take, right?

–I was asked by Matt to participate in his 2010 Year End Blogger Style Awards. When my votes are revealed, I hope you take the time to laugh at me and call me an idiot. Thanks.

–Hockey never sleeps. The next month will be as action-packed as any in the hockey world. I myself can’t wait for July 1st when people laugh and jeer a GM for the moves he makes, only to have to bite their tongue when his team miraculously makes the Conference Finals as an 8th seed.

–But you got to love July 1st. A select group of NHLers become big fish in a small pond and get to reap the rewards. What other time of the year can Dan Hamhuis and Anton Volchenkov bring out the “OMG!! WE F**KING SIGNED HIM. I’M SO HAPPY!!!” in fans?

Granted, 6 months later those screams will turn into: “OMG!! WHY THE F**K DID WE PAY HIM THAT MUCH? HE SUCKS!!!”

–You know who is approaching a Bettman-level of being pompous and condescending? Ron MacLean. It’s scary to see how fast that disease is progressing in him. OSHL coined the phrase The Importance of Being Ron MacLean(c), I’d really like to see it catch on.

–That was really mean. I feel like I’m becoming a real blogger now!

–The playoffs this year were awesome. So many entertaining stories and so many great moments. Can’t ask for more, besides maybe a better montage song.

–That’s it for today. Don’t forget to follow BoF on Twitter. I’m in full-scale World Cup mode. If you’re wondering what my team is, it’s Argentina, and has been since I watched my first World Cup as a kid. My wife is from Brazil so that makes for an entertaining period in our household. I’m really stoked to see Diego Maradona roaming the sidelines tomorrow. That in itself should be entertaining.

If you are a hockey fan, you’ve no doubt heard about Vancouver’s Green Men. They’re a YouTube sensation; have their own website; even a Twitter account.

But who are these spandex-draped weirdos?

What if they’re a couple NHL players with too much time on their hands?

Maybe ’cause they didn’t make the playoffs? (Yes, I  do realize they were around during the regular season but stop bugging me with facts and let me set up the post, damn it!)

We did some brainstorming at Blades of Funny headquarters and came up with a few possible names; We also eliminated others.

Blades of Funny Brainstorms Possible NHL Players Moonlighting As The Green Men

Never seen them carrying a defibrillator: Jonas Gustavsson.

Nor an inflated sense of entitlement: Dion Phaneuf.

They move around: Wade Redden.

Yet, don’t pull a hamstring: Marian Gaborik.

They aren’t rushed to the ER when they partake in fun: Erik Johnson.

Nor when they just stand up: Rick DiPietro.

They love attention and have the cash to buy prime seats: Mike Commodore.

And they’re able to remember where those seats are located: David Booth.

Not that we’re looking, but both appear to have a full package: Phil Kessel.

However, they keep that covered up: Jiri Tlusty.

In real life, they don’t come off like sensitive cry babies: Sheldon Souray.

Nor do they on Twitter: Martin Havlat.

In fact, they appear to be very happy with their place in the world: Tomas Kaberle.

When their image comes up on screen, it’s always good for a few laughs: Jeff Finger.

We said laughs, not gaffes: Vesa Toskola.

Everyone in the arena cheers when they appear on the Jumbotron: Evander Kane.

And not ’cause the visiting coach selected them for the shootout: Olli Jokinen.

Their whole gig is based upon getting inside the opposition’s head: Steve Ott.

Not literally: Colton Orr

They don’t randomly assault the opposition: Mike Komisarek.

Nor each other: Keith Ballard.

Never seen a puddle of blood underneath them: Zenon Konopka.

Nor a puddle of sweat: Nikolai Khabibulin.

Never heard them give random analysis about other teams: R.J. Umberger.

Nor about fashion: Sean Avery.

We’ve seen them in the playoffs: Jay Bouwmeester.

And they didn’t fold under the pressure: Alexander Semin.

You: huh?
BoF: what’s the problem, sir/ma’am?
You: you said the list only consists of non-playoff players.
BoF: well…did semin really play in the playoffs?
You: no, I guess not.
BoF: sooooo he could very well have been in vancouver.
You: true.
BoF: there you go.
You: that’s brilliant.
BoF: thank you.
You: no, that was BRILLIANT. You are a genius, man.
BoF: what can I say, I’m pretty good at this stuff.
You: uhhh…I was being sarcastic.
BoF: that’s mighty small of you.
You: that’s what she said.
BoF: about you?
You: no, about you!
BoF: how come?
You: what?
BoF: what?
You: you’re retarded.
BoF: I know you are but what am I?
You: not funny.
BoF: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
You: [hits ctrl+w]

Well, since nobody is reading anymore, I guess there’s no point in finishing. Good thing too as the only other things I have is some Steve Mason jokes and maybe a jab or two at the Florida Panthers. I couldn’t think of a joke about Lecavalier and his constant trade rumors, nor could I think of a midget joke for St. Louis (Martin, not the city, though I’m sure the city has its fair share of midgets too). Yup, all out of material on this one. Maybe if you follow me on Twitter, I’ll come up with something. Better yet, maybe you will.