Senile auctioneer Dale Tallon seen here auctioning off his assets to an empty room.

For those of you wondering how much the car repair bill from my last post came to, it was $1500. To raise the cash I had to spend all of February on the street corner turning tricks However, due to “shrinkage” thanks to this awful winter we’re having, I still came up short — at least that’s the excuse I’m sticking to! So now you know why posting has been so light lately.

Here are some thoughts while I bathe the ashamed stench from my body, replacing it with the ashamed stench of a grown man who takes baths.

–Hey, remember the last post where I wrote these brilliant words:

I don’t have much hockey commentary today, but if there was such a thing as being able to buy the Devils stock right now, I’d do it.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had the Devils ranked #4 overall.

–I didn’t participate much on Twitter lately but there were great laughs to be had at the expense of silly reporters on deadline day. Puck Daddy had a great review of all the shenanigans. It’s funny ’cause so many of these media guys take themselves and their jobs so seriously, but in reality they’re just like you and me!

–Speaking of deadline day, let’s talk about the subject of this post: Dale Tallon.

Look, I get the whole “blowing up the team because it sucks and is going nowhere” but besides Niclas Bergfors, Tallon got absolutely nothing in return in this latest fire sale. In fact, if you go back to the Horton and Ballard trades, Tallon really only got Bergfors and two late 1st round picks (used select Nick Njugstad and Quinton Howden). What’s worse is that he’ll probably lose Vokoun for nothing in the summer and still has the Olesz ($3,125,00 untill 2014) and Booth ($4,250,00 until 2015) contracts on the books.

The best trade Tallon made was getting Grabner in the Ballard trade but he then promptly waived Grabner who now has 25 goals and is a +9 (and is used to kill penalties!!!) on Long Island. Hindsight is 20-20 you say, but I voiced this opinion throughout the summer/fall. Grabner is notorious for having crappy training camps so I’m pretty sure Tallon had no clue as to what type of player he was getting in him.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had Tampa Bay ranked #21 overall.

So yeah, Tallon gets a pass because of what he did in Chicago but he made some pretty boneheaded moves over there too.

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Dale Tallon.

The photo Gonchar used on Match.com to lure Bryan Murray last summer.

–Sergei Gonchar has two more years left at $5,500,000!

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Bryan Murray.

–Both the Erik Johnson/1st rounder for Chris Stewart/Kevin Shattenkirk and James Neal/Niskanen for Alex Goligoski trades were pretty fair and good for all teams involved. I’ve read people who chose sides and blasted the trades but I don’t see that as a reasonable take. Every one of those teams got what they needed/wanted.

–If I had to chose one player I’d want out of that bunch, I’d be Erik Johnson. My only concern with him is that he doesn’t strike me as the smartest cat around but hopefully that’ll change with experience and age.

–My wife watched the Oscars so I caught a bit of it (I would ever watch such a non-manly show on my own). People are blasting James Franco as a host, calling him too relaxed and carefree. To those people, I ask: what the f^%k did you expect from Franco? That’s his whole shtick and I’ve never seen him not be himself.

In conclusion, the Oscars and the people who watch them are silly.

//waves goodbye to the one female who reads this blog.

“Bye, Mom!”

–I had a chance to watch a few Ranger games this month (gambling will do that to you) and I was mightily impressed with Ryan McDonagh. That kid is going to be a very fine defenseman in this league for many years to come. Sucks for Habs fans.

–I was looking at the odds to win the Stanley Cup recently and the one that really stuck out for me was Nashville at 34 to 1. Good value there, my friends. The Preds totally strike me as a team built for the playoff grind.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, having the Lightning at 11 to 1 is just silly. No way they win more than one round (if that).

–You know, there’s a chance that Vancouver could meet Chicago in the 1st round and that would be truly epic. I’m sure Canuck fans are relieved they no longer have Big Buff to contend with, but if I were the Hawks coaching staff, I’d call up Kyle Beach, team him up with John Scott, plant both in Luongo’s crease and then count how long it takes for the ‘Nucks to self-destruct. I’d have the self-destruction over/under line set at 2.5 shifts.

–I’m already laughing at the team which overpays a 31-year-old Brad Richards in the summer. Not Gonchar-esque laughing but laughing nevertheless.

–That is all for today. Follow along on Twitter, I’ve lost some followers and would like to get them back just so I could block their rude asses for unfollowing me. You just don’t do such a thing to a man!

–OH, BEFORE I GO. LEAVE SOME COMMENTS, OTHERWISE I WON’T BLOG AGAIN . Yes, that was an empty threat and a pathetic display to get some attention from my reader(s).

Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

Quick post to wrap up my thoughts on day 1 of free agency.

My three favorite signings:

1. Zbynek Michalek – I’ve been really high on Michalek and at a $4 million cap hit, the Penguins got themselves a gem of a shutdown guy. I prefer Michalek at $4m over Martin at $5m.
2. Dan Hamhuis – Like any free agent, he’s been talked-up a bit more than he probably deserves but while the term may be a bit high, a $4.5m cap hit is more than fair for a guy who will slot in on the top pairing in Vancouver.
3. Colby Armstrong – I like this signing by Burke and I’m quite surprised that many people don’t. Colby is a great character guy in the room, he goes hard and is responsible defensively. I just think he’s a very good fit for the Leafs and for what Burke is trying to do there (even if he’s paid $500,000 more than you’d optimally like).

My three least favorite signings:

1. Sergei Gonchar – Giving the 36-year-old a 3 year contract at $5.5m per is asking for trouble. If he was 34 then I could see this but at this point in his career, it can backfire fast. Injuries, defensive concerns, and tapered play due to age are all very realistic risks. I think the Senators would have been much better off if they targeted Michalek instead.
2. Derek Boogaard – Unless he was hired to assassinate Crosby, Ovechkin and every other star in the East, it still boggles my mind as to why Sather would give him $1.625m over FOUR YEARS!!! Crazy.
3. Dan Ellis – People seem to like the 30-year-old Ellis, which I assume is due to the 37 games he started in 07/08 (and went 23-10 with 2.34 GAA and a .924 SV%). Since then he’s been below-average at best. I just don’t see him as being anything more than a backup who should max out at 20 games a year.

Some more quick thoughts before I head off to bed:

1. The Jokinen thing makes for great laughs but at $3 million, hockey-wise, it’s not a bad contract. If you take out all the drama around it, we may look back and say, “hey, that turned out alright.”
2. It seems like the hype around Volchenkov getting $5m+ was more smoke and mirrors. At $4.25m, it’s fair value without much, if any, UFA inflation.
3. No contract given today really shocked me besides the Boogaard and Gonchar’s term. If Gonchar received $5.5m on a 1-year deal, I’d have no problem with it. The rest were all inline with my thinking, give or take $500,000.
4. Actually, that’s not true. I did think that Chris Mason would have gotten more than he did. That’s why I think Yzerman should have chosen him over Ellis. Then again, maybe Mason didn’t want to go to Tampa.
5. While the top UFAs didn’t get shocking money, they did get their fair share of term. Martin, Hamhuis, Volchenkov and Michalek all got 5 or 6 years each. That’s a long commitment, especially to Martin and Volchenkov.
6. I kept hearing that the Kings were interested in Martin. I’m not sure that would have been a good fit especially if they also plan on getting Kovalchuk. They need to have some flexibility going forward to avoid a Blackhawks problem and committing $5m to Martin wouldn’t have given them that.
7. Speaking of which, are the Blackhawks still the Blackhawks? They’ve sure taken one hit after another the past 10 days.

That’s all from me. It was a pretty fun day. Don’t forget to follow along on Twitter if you’re not already doing so. Don’t forget!

I know I have not been posting many any humor posts lately but bear with me. I never want to force those things so for now you’ll be getting a big dose of these “Serious Thoughts” pieces.

"I'd rather be in Montreal"

–Being a hockey geek, I did know who Lars Eller was prior to yesterday. Still, my initial reaction to the Halak trade was: “that’s it?” But the more I thought about it, the more I laughed the traded started to grow on me.

There is a surplus of middle-of-the-pack goaltending in the league right now and as good as Halak was for a stretch in the playoffs, he’s far from anything other than a middle-of-the-pack goalie right now. Besides saving $2-$3m in cap space by going with Price, getting a 1st rounder who is ready to step in next season isn’t a bad trade-off.

Only time can show us the true colors of this trade. For instance, if Eller turns out to be a first-liner and Carey plays up to his potential, then Habs fans will no longer want to lynch Gauthier (even if Halak wins a Vezina). The latter is a big “if” though. However…

From Dryden to this...

–Everyone (myself included) makes fun of Carey Price, and if you didn’t know better, judging by the jokes you’d think he’s the equivalent of Toskala. That’s far from the truth. He’s only 22 and when he matures, he’ll do fine, in my opinion. Let’s also take into account the added confidence he should get from not having to look over his shoulder all the time. I would have chosen Price over Halak too.

–That said, initially I was surprised that the trade wasn’t something like Eller/Backes for Halak/2nd rounder. But like I mentioned earlier,  the goalie availability right now around the league probably would have made the addition of Backes unrealistic.

–Lars Eller, PK Subban and Carey Price. Not a bad young forward/defenseman/goalie combination. Habs fans shouldn’t be on suicide watch (at least not until next year depending on how Carey plays).

–I read about a Jason Spezza to the Oilers rumor. I think he’d be a nice fit in Edmonton but Ottawa would be crazy to deal another “star” for a mix of middle-of-the-pack NHLers. If they do, the Sens are like that bad fantasy GM who always trades his best player for depth. That guy never wins anything.

–Say what you want about Spezza’s contract or his defensive play but point-a-game players don’t grow on trees. If you trade him, then you’d better get something other than a couple of guys who max out at 50 points a year.

–I’m still highly curious about what Kaberle will fetch in a trade. I can’t believe some of the rumors (like Jeff Carter) are realistic. If Burke pulls that off then my jaw will hit the floor.

Mr. Smooth

–Dion Phaneuf came off as cool and confident during his captain speech as I did during an 8th grade dance. Only difference was that I couldn’t pounded the living s**t out of those that made fun of me.

–Kessel, Kadri, Dion, Schenn. Pretty good young core if they all play to their potential.  Certainly, the Leafs are much better off right now than when Brian took over.

–Early predictions for next year from yours truly:

Top 3 seeds  in the West: Blackhawks, Kings, Canucks

Top 3 seeds in the East: Capitals, Penguins, Bruins

Team to take the biggest fall in West: Coyotes

Team to take the biggest fall in East: Devils

Back to the playoffs in West: Blues

Back to the playoffs in East: Toronto? It’s hard to be confident about any of the 7 teams that didn’t make the post-season in the East, no?

I’ll do another one of these in September based on the movement in the next 3 months.

–Did any of you catch the NBA Finals? Pretty good series. I loved Ron Artest thanking his psychiatrist in the post-game interview. I really like the guy. Sure, he’s a little crazy but Ron comes off very genuine. I hated Rodman because he came off like a marketing gimmick. Ron just seems like a good guy.

–My World Cup team Argentina is 2-0 now with two impressive showings. My wife’s Brazil team looked shaky vs. North Korea but, sadly, still won. I haven’t watched every game (hard to wake up early for Honduras/Chilie), but the Spain-Switzerland game was probably my favorite one not involving Maradona’s squad.

–Even if you don’t like baseball, take the time to watch Stephen Strasburg pitch (he has a start tonight). It’s sick how well he can throw. Since words can’t do it justice, watch this (the break on the pitch at the 0:50 mark is insane):

[Edit: Looks like the YouTube video got deleted.]

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

–Congratulations to the Blackhawks on winning the Cup. Just goes to show that if you suck for a decade, get some high picks, steal a few players via trade, and then sign some role players into the mix, you can achieve success. Basically the exact opposite approach that the Leafs have employed (besides the suck for a decade thing).

–I was too young to watch the Oilers win their first Cup but I imagine that the Hawks are the closest thing we’ve seen to that Oilers team of the 80′s. An Oilers-lite version, if you will. If not for the salary cap, they could very well become a dynasty. But with the cap, that’s not likely. I can certainly see them winning another Cup or two in the next 6 years but no way can they capture 4 over that span.

–The bonuses that carry over to next year are just a killer. Obviously, Huet will be parked in the AHL, but then what?

The names that are bandied about are Sharp, Versteeg and Byfuglien. If I had to choose one of those three to move, it would definitely be Big Buff. There is no better time to move him than right now, when his stock is at an all-time high. (Plus he becomes RFA next season, and with Seabrook also up, next summer can become messy too.)

I’d have a hard time getting rid of  Versteeg or Sharp. They’re the guys that give Chicago that killer depth that’s been such a key to the way they play the game.

–But humor me for a second: Is Brian Campbell untradeable?  I wouldn’t be surprised if some team takes the bait and snags him. After all, the Rangers managed to unload Gomez last year.

–The reason I think Campbell is tradeable is because of Tomas Kaberle. I’m shocked at what some people (Brian Burke included) think that Kaberle can fetch. Granted there are some major differences contract-wise but a team would basically have to give up nothing to acquire Campbell — I would think anyway.

And yeah, I think Kaberle is over-hyped but he does have fair contract. If Campbell was a $5m cap hit, that would make a world of difference. But then you’d have to give up assets in return. It’s all a give and take, right?

–I was asked by Matt to participate in his 2010 Year End Blogger Style Awards. When my votes are revealed, I hope you take the time to laugh at me and call me an idiot. Thanks.

–Hockey never sleeps. The next month will be as action-packed as any in the hockey world. I myself can’t wait for July 1st when people laugh and jeer a GM for the moves he makes, only to have to bite their tongue when his team miraculously makes the Conference Finals as an 8th seed.

–But you got to love July 1st. A select group of NHLers become big fish in a small pond and get to reap the rewards. What other time of the year can Dan Hamhuis and Anton Volchenkov bring out the “OMG!! WE F**KING SIGNED HIM. I’M SO HAPPY!!!” in fans?

Granted, 6 months later those screams will turn into: “OMG!! WHY THE F**K DID WE PAY HIM THAT MUCH? HE SUCKS!!!”

–You know who is approaching a Bettman-level of being pompous and condescending? Ron MacLean. It’s scary to see how fast that disease is progressing in him. OSHL coined the phrase The Importance of Being Ron MacLean(c), I’d really like to see it catch on.

–That was really mean. I feel like I’m becoming a real blogger now!

–The playoffs this year were awesome. So many entertaining stories and so many great moments. Can’t ask for more, besides maybe a better montage song.

–That’s it for today. Don’t forget to follow BoF on Twitter. I’m in full-scale World Cup mode. If you’re wondering what my team is, it’s Argentina, and has been since I watched my first World Cup as a kid. My wife is from Brazil so that makes for an entertaining period in our household. I’m really stoked to see Diego Maradona roaming the sidelines tomorrow. That in itself should be entertaining.