(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis does some freaky mathematician stuff to see what Crosby’s numbers would look like had he played in the 80′s. He also adjusts Gretzky’s stats from that era to see what they’d look like over an 82-game season.

Man, every time I glance at Wayne’s 200+ point seasons, they blow my mind. Which leads me to the following point: Remember in our hockey pools when we had to draft Wayne’s and Mario’s assists and points separately, and Steve Yzerman became the fallacious #1 pick? If you do, you’re getting old!

Down Goes Brown – DGB tries to explain why the Ottawa Senators lost money this season. Mind you, it’s not a coincidence that the sum total of their losses amounted to $4 million. After all, it’s hard to budget for getting robbed blinded by a disgruntled employee.

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying on the financial topic, Mike Halford has a rundown of teams that will soon be feeling the salary cap pinch. I was shocked — and I mean SHOCKED — to see the Florida Panthers on the list. On second glance, though, I realized they employ Bryan McCabe, so cap issues are to be expected.

View From My Seats – Matt Reitz shares a transcript of Dale Tallon’s meeting with Florida ownership. While you read that, I’m going to ponder why I always want to write “Dave” Tallon instead of “Dale”. Dave just seems to flow better. I think his parents made a mistake … Jeez, I hope his parents aren’t dead ’cause I don’t want them to haunt me over this. F#ck, maybe I should just scrap what I just wrote…

Flames Nation – Ken Wilson argues that middle class goalies are interchangeable, and uses stats to back up his point. This leads him to conclude that it may be wise for the Flames to deal Kiprusoff while they still can. That’s quite a ballsy opinion for a Flames fan to have. Y’know, considering that Darryl Sutter will be the one making the trade; Probably will end with Kimmo Timonen coming back in exchange.

IIHF – Some guy working for the IIHF blasts players who chose not to partake in the World Championships. I’m not saying this is a self-serving article from someone who may have an axe to grind, but let me tell you this: I wouldn’t be surprised if some quota wasn’t met and, as a result, Szymon Szemberg’s wife will not be getting the new diamond necklace he promised her. An unhappy wife is an unhappy life, so take that Sidney Crosby!

Down Goes Brown – DGB returns for an encore. This time with a look at Boston Bruins excuses for their epic collapse. I hope Leafs fans milk this collapse for all they can, afterall, it’s only fair since the Bruins have been milking Toronto for a while now.

Truth & Rumors – The ever-entertaining William Houston sides with Willie Mitchell on his rant against league disciplinarian Colin Campbell. Good read, but back to Dale “should have been Dave” Tallon”s parents. They’re alive, right? I just heard a noise in my basement. You don’t think, do you? Getting kind of freaked out here…

The Pens Blog – Fantastic post that sticks it to those who are running Trade Malkin stories. The gap between the mainstream media and  bloggers is narrowing by the day. Heck, writers from both camps already share the same mode of transporation (for those too lazy to click the link, the ride of choice is a Honda Accord with over 500,000 km’s on the dash).

Bloge Salming – A typical day in the life of Gary Bettman set to the tune of Like A Boss. Great work as always by Bloge.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week Five for Howling and The Rat Trick. Sorry if I missed anyone. Big thanks also to everyone that spread the funny on Twitter and around the internet.

Speaking of Twitter, Blades of Funny is now up to a new record of 581 followers. That’s pretty much the plateau I would think, especially if I keep coming out with material like this:

Random Thought:

I do not care one iota about the IIHF World Hockey Championships. There, I said it. In YOUR face, Szymon Szemberg. BTW, your parents also screwed up your name.

Uh-oh! Why do I keep doing this to myself???

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Ah-ha! It’s not Friday, now is it? I told you this thing has a mind of its own. Sure, I could just drop the “Friday” from the title, but for branding purposes I refuse to. Besides, if I do that, it may confuse readers.

The Rat Trick -  Blades of Funny supporter Frank Rekas compares the Florida Panthers to Seinfeld. Didn’t expect to read about the Florida Panthers at this time of year, did ya? Well, that’s just how we do things here at Blades of Funny; we’re just one big curveball on the hockey blogosphere. But seriously, reading about the plight of a Panthers fan does put things in perspective. Sort of like when those feed the children commercials come on while your watching Ellen Degeneres. It cleanses the soul. (And to answer your question, yes, yes I do.)

View From My Seats – One man’s gripe with non-hockey people writing hockey stories. I thought the article had a good kickoff to it, which drew me in like a fake bunt. Then Matt called a well-timed audible, brought in some powerful links from the bullpen, and went into the locker room with the lead at halftime. His prevent defense caused him some problems in the latter stages, but with the clock down to the two-minute warning, he pulled up for a fadeaway 3-pointer and…SWOOOSH!!!

Bonus: Ken Hitchcock is so fat that when he asked Mason what happened to his doughnuts this year, Steve replied, “you ate half of them!”

I’m sorry. That was just awful.

Down Goes Brown – Listing some of the features that the NHL will be rolling out on Facebook. DGB may laugh at the CFL now, but when the league gains a strong foothold in the Maritimes ahead of all the other leagues, who’ll be laughing then? … DGB still will? Okay, just asking.

Hockey Or Die – Jonathan Willis takes a quick look at how the league’s top 25 scorers ended up with their current team. 76% arrived by way of the draft. Someone should print this out and send it to Brian Burke…via a time machine.

Intent To Blow – Boudreau, Ovechkin admit they were unaware playoff series can end in under 7 games. Also unaware that in the playoffs, powerplay goals do count towards the final score.

Don’t Trade Vinny – A Lightning blogger tries his hand at online dating. Too bad he doesn’t actually live in Florida ’cause all the ladies down there would think he’s exotic. That, and — as we’ve learned with the ‘Hawks conquests in Vancouver — Florida does have a higher grade of women than Illinois. [ducks down]

I’m sorry. I’m just an awful, awful man boy.

Orland Kurtenblog – The pageantry of Canucks Day captured in photos. And with that, my friends, Vancouver just overtook Vancouver for last place in “hockey cool.”

Four Habs Fans – A list of ten things to hate about the Washington Capitals. Complete with references to Bob Mason, Dennis Maruk, and one of my all-time favorite crazies Dale Hunter. This is quite possibly the most brilliant hate piece put out since Tupac’s Hit ‘Em Up.

Stay Classy – The legend that is Burgundy managed to get his hands on a couple pages from the NHL’s 2010 yearbook. I also have it on good authority that the “Going To Prom” pictorial will feature this spread.

Thanks to the following blogs that linked here this week: Puck Daddy, Cult of Hockey, Five for Howling and The Rat Trick. Big thanks to all those who left a comment on the site and also on Twitter.

Random Thought:

This morning I tuned into a Montreal sports station, thinking that I’ll be able to catch some of the hype surrounding Game 7. To my surprise they were talking European soccer. Quite odd, I thought.

I then turned to a Vancouver sports station, hoping to catch some laughs about Canucks Day. To my surprise, they were discussing this story about the Dolphins GM who asked a potential draft pick if his mom was a prostitute. Quite odd, I thought, but much more entertaining than European soccer talk, so I tuned in long enough to catch one of the hosts go on a rant about how wrong that GM was even though you’ll probably hear some blogger clowns defend him. Was that a vague shout-out to Blades of Funny? Methinks it was.

I then changed to an Ottawa sports station. They were talking about Twitter and some Cialis commercial [FACEPALM]. At that point, I put Nirvana’s Lake of Fire cover on repeat and decided to write up this post.

Bonus Random Thought:

I think it’s entirely fair for a GM to ask a potential draftee if his mother was a prostitute. He did no wrong. I’m sure some radio clowns will attack me over this, but that’s the risk us blogger clowns have to live with every day, anyways.

Twitter

I don’t mean to scare anyone, but the Blades of Funny Twitter stream is like a runaway freight train; 377 followers and gaining steam! Do you ever wonder why this is the case? I’ll tell you why: it’s because I am a brilliant, brilliant man, yet my only platform to emancipate this brilliance is on Twitter.

Come with me now as I share my tweet journey from the past week…

First, there was this entirely inappropriate and insensitive tweet which would make George Carlin proud. This was a day after this story broke; some said it was “too soon”, to them I say it was “too funny.”

Then there was this tweet, which set a new record for RTs. (For those of you reading who are not nerds, RT stands for Retweet; and Retweet stands for sharing the tweet; and tweet stands for a 140 character message sent via Twitter; and Twitter stands for a place where nerds party with other nerds.)

In between such brilliant tweets, I also managed to act like a jackass towards respected hockey media. Like Cassie Campbell who left his message:

To which I replied:

Oh yes, between nosebleeds, great fun was had by all.

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

Credit: flickr MrNews1320

–Quick question: If Martin Brodeur asked you to choose a song for his summer soundtrack, which one would you choose? I’d go with Toby Keith’s “As Good As I Once Was”. The chorus for your reference:

I ain’t as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
But there was a time back in my prime
When I could really lay it down
And if you need some love tonight
Then I might have just enough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was

And to boot, the first verse contains a sister reference, so it’s a double score! Actually, if you factor in the fact that Marty and Toby have the same body-type, it’s a triple score!

What about for Lou Lamoriello? I’d choose David Bowie’s “The Man Who Sold The World”, a wonderful melody about a man who no longer recognizes who he used to be. Some sample lyrics for your reference:

We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn’t there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

And to boot, after the Kovalchuk trade, the title itself is quite fitting as well. Although, an improvised version of another song may be even more fitting for that storyline…

Old MacDonald had a farm,
ee i ee i oh
And on that farm all he had was Mattias Tedenby
ee i ee i oh no!

These are the things I think about in my waking hours. Don’t ask me why ’cause there really is no rhyme or reason to it.

—In fairness to Brodeur, Jonathan Willis wrote a pretty good piece in defense of Marty. I tend to agree with this, although after the Olympics and last year’s meltdown, it’s hard to argue that Marty has not lost some of his mystique.

–Are the Capitals the most difficult team to get a read on in this post-season? One period, they look like world beaters. The next, they look nervous and tentative. And they’re like that against the Habs, so imagine when the competition improves. I got the same vibe from them last year.

–Martin’s decision to start Price in game 4 is one that I don’t understand; the only good that could have come out of it is if Carey stole the game, and the chances of that ever happening — against the Caps, no less (he had a 3.39 GAA/.899 SV% in 4 games vs. WSH this season) — are what? 1 in 200?

–Please excuse me while I implement a savvy marketing strategy for this blog. (Tim Tebow will be a bust, Tim Tebow will be a star, Tim Tebow is Satan, Tim Tebow is God, Time Tebow wants you to watch hockey, Tim Tebow doesn’t want you to watch hockey, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow). Done. I just doubled traffic to this blog, and increased US hockey ratings tenfold. Saaaavvy! (I love that word.)

–I keep hearing about what a savvy (oh yeah!) signing Mikael Samuelsson was. While I do agree that it turned out really well for Vancouver, I do take objection to when people say it was the best. Without doubt (in my mind so take that for what it’s worth…ie: not much), Craig Anderson was the best off-season signing.

Now, let me rephrase what I just wrote in a “brash blogger” tone:

All the idiots who think that Mikael Samuelsson was the best signing this summer should be watching equestrian events instead of hockey because they know nothing about the sport. If they had half a brain, they’d know that Craig Anderson has been much more valuable to the Avs than anyone in the history of anything. Anyone who thinks otherwise should die. I AM AWESOME!

–Speaking of a “brash blogger tone”, here is a very calm and coherent piece by a Red Wings fan who doesn’t take things personally:

Those bi$#hes can suck it.  While Lidstrom may not deserve to win the Norris this season, he deserves to be a finalist.  No fauxing doubt about it.

By not voting for Lidstrom in a higher position, the pro hockey writers prove that they don’t watch hockey at all.  They put their blind faith in something far less useful.

Stats.  The pro hockey writers use stats as a crutch to replace actually watching lots of hockey.  It is now official.  The Norris Trophy will be the equivalent of the Art Ross Trophy for defenceman

[...]

There is no way Lidstrom is only the fourth best defenceman this season.  Stats have blinded you like chronic masturbation did in your teenage years.

I have to give him props for the “chronic masturbation” line, that’s solid material right there. If anybody knows him, tell him that I said LIDSTROM SUCKS!

–Actually, please don’t tell him that. I talk a big game online, but in reality, I am easily intimidated and not much of a fighter. This guy does seem like the type who will show up at my door and stab me in the eye with a pencil…I really don’t want a pencil in my eye.

Credit: flickr Teka England

–The Norris debate has been quite heated though. Anyone who is not a Capitals fan is hating on Mike Green. Why? If I were to venture a guess, it’s his personality that turns people off rather than his on-ice play. He’s the type of person that you either like or would like to stab in the eye with a pencil. No gray area.

–When people talk about studly young defensemen, the talk centers around Doughty, Green, Keith, Myers and Weber. One name that will surely be added to that list over the next year or two is Victor Hedman. In fact, I believe he’ll be the biggest reason preventing Doughty from Lidstromizing the Norris Trophy over the next decade.

–Erik Johnson will be right up there as well. Especially if he gives up the game of golf.

–The series I have been watching the most so far is Kings-Canucks. Great end-to-end action and all-around intrigue. That being said, the Kings fell apart like a Mr. Potato Head in the 3rd period of game 4. This video pretty much sums up the series since then (for those that don’t want to click over, it’s the Rypien-Clune fight). I also have to give kudos to Luongo for his big saves in said 3rd period. I’m sure he’ll be quite happy when he reads what I just wrote.

–The series I’ve been watching the least? Chicago-Nashville. Being that it’s always a game behind the rest, it comes off like the ugly stepsister of the first round. That, or maybe because I find nobody on the Preds very interesting to watch, save for Weber and Sullivan.

–With the disastrous seasons in Edmonton and Calgary, the comical events in Toronto and Montreal, and the general success in Vancouver, one team which hasn’t been getting enough play this year is Ottawa. Maybe it’s because Ottawa is just one big traffic jam, but still, they do deserve credit for what they have done this season. Bryan Murray and Cory Clouston managed to turn the franchise around despite distractions and injuries…and let’s not forget how adorable Clouston looks behind the bench.

This concludes “Serious Thoughts”. If you’re reading this, then that means you must think I am totally awesome. Why not get bigger piece awesome by following Blades of Funny on twitter. I promise you it’ll be awesome…and saaaaavvy!

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Down Goes Brown – Signs that your hockey team is not making the second round. Not included in the list: “Your insurance agent calls to remind you that, starting next week, you can park your car downtown again.” (Special thanks to DGB for the massive amount of people he sprinkled on the site. I assume his readers must have done something to piss him off and he was just using me to get back at them.)

Intent To Blow – “Expert” reporter comes up with snappy comeback too late. If Blades of Funny was somehow able to acquire media accreditation (like, say, if we robbed Ian Mendes at gunpoint), then the interview would turn out something like this:

BoF: did you know that you got your elbow up on that hit?
Sutton: you asking me or telling me?
BoF: telling you man! it was fu#$ing awesome how you knocked him out. [lifts arm up for a high five]
Sutton: you an expert?
BoF: LOLOLOLOL yeah, andy, I’m an expert.
Sutton: so you’re an expert?
BoF: oh, you were serious? well, I write a hockey blog on the internet.
Sutton: you’re not an expert.
BoF: yeah? well you’re not a backstreet boy so lay off the joico.
Sutton: you an expert?
BoF: on what, hair products?
Sutton: yeah.
BoF: I know my stuff.
Sutton: what would you recommend for me to get ultimate spikage?
BoF: if I had your hair type, I ‘d go with the heavy duty molding putty.
Sutton: I’ve been meaning to try that.
BoF: next time you’re at the bay ask for susan, give her my card. [hands over library card]
Sutton: that’s not a business card.
BoF: remember? … i’m a blogger?
Sutton: well you’re cool with me. much cooler than these guys. [looks over at media]
BoF: thanks, andy. sorry about the backstreet boys comment from before.
Sutton: nah don’t worry about it, happens all the time. hey, you want to come hang out with the team?
BoF: love to.
[we become best friends]

DC Sports Blog – A Ted Leonsis impersonator mingled with fans at the Verizon Center.  “Look kid, I’m going to do everything in my power to make you a Capital next year,” he said. Leading Carey Price to respond, “Finally, things are looking up!” That’s just mean.

Pension Plan Puppets – A blogger starts an email conversation with an old and unemployed newspaper columnist. Surprisingly, it doesn’t end with the two becoming wacky roommates. This is not so much a hockey story as it is a human-interest piece set to a sports background. Think Field of Dreams. Only Ray doesn’t admire Terence; they never attend a game together; and it’s the ’67 Leafs that emerge from the cornfield, not the 1919 Black Sox. Other than that though, it’s pretty much the same.

Original Six Hockey League – Did you hear that a Vancouver Canucks goal was disallowed this week? Me neither. But you can read a pretty good rant about if you follow the link. Still not enticed? If you click over you can learn how to use the phrase “The Importance of Being Ron McLean(c)” in your everyday hockey vocabulary.

Puck Daddy – Discussing the ‘pick-as-you-go’ shootout rule change that will likely be in effect next season. One proponent of the rule change is John Tortorella who, when asked about it, said the following, “When the Zamboni comes out, I get so excited watching the ice change right before my eyes that I forget to think about who I want to send out for the shootout. I end up having to hastily scribble the first three names to pop into my head, and I think that cost my team a few games this year. This new procedure should help things.”

That’s it for links for this week, but there’s still much more to read below.

Random thought:

I forgot to mention this last week, but after watching Taylor Hall get interviewed on TSN’s Draft Lottery show, I was left with the following three thoughts: 1) it’s going to be really hard on him to balance his acting obligations on Jersey Shore and his hockey obligations for his new team;  2) he must be relieved that NHL teams don’t administer the Wonderlic; and 3) he must be praying that Edmonton chooses him because to Edmontonians he’ll just come off like a celebrity. In Boston, with that look, he faces the distinct possibility of getting his a#s kicked by locals whenever he goes out.

I am bugging Taylor out of pure envy. At 18, he’s going to be rich, famous, and playing hockey for a living. Myself, at 18, I spent my days rolling around my hometown (pop: 35,000) in a used ’93 Ford Taurus (with 300,000 km on it to boot), shooting pool, and drinking/smoking my misery away. But now look at me. Entertaining the hockey world for … [checks advertising revenue stats] … 17¢ a day. Yay me!!

Thanks to the following blogs that linked here this week: Down Goes Brown, Stay Classy, Intent To Blow and The Rat Trick. Big thanks to all those who left a comment on the site and also on Twitter.

If you’re not following on Twitter, you’re missing out on some prime mind-numbing nonsense. Like these tweets after I discovered Sean Avery’s twitter account (and more importantly, his badass background image):

Sadly, he never responded. But he did post this today:

Uh oh.

Jose Theodore’s moment of rage:

The part of the Andy Sutton interview that viewers did not see:

Lastly, here is an appearance by #doanface: