(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

The Hockey News – With a headline like “Penguins must trade Malkin,” this has to be classified as humor. If you’re not sold yet, check out what’s inside:

Here’s an idea a couple of us came up with. I repeat, an idea we came up with. Not a rumor. Malkin and a fifth round pick to Edmonton for the first overall selection, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson and Sheldon Souray.

[...]

It’d be a good old-fashioned hockey trade and a win for both sides.

Let’s dissect this: On one hand, you have a team, which is one year removed from a Stanley Cup and back-to-back Finals appearances, trading away one of the top 3 players in the game. On the other hand, you have a team, which has been treading water for two decades and are now finally in a position to do a proper rebuild, trading away two of their blue chip prospects. A win for both sides? Humor indeed.

But you know what makes this a riot? The fact that Burke essentially made this trade, only instead of getting Malkin, he got Phil Kessel. <Nelson Muntz laugh>

Distinct Kicking Motion – Canadiens Eliminate Penguins; Carey Price Pissed Off. While I’m certain my classification of the previous link is correct, I’m not quite sure if this one is satire or not.

Stay Classy – Staying with the Canadiens, Burgundy offers a few tips on how to do your rioting right. My tip would be to make sure your gang includes a few Leafs fans that have jumped on the Habs bandwagon. I’m sure those souls are bitter and ready to tear sh#t up Colton Orr-style.

Cowhide and Rubber – More Canadiens, this time with added gloating. Look at them, they’re so cute, so Cinderella-ish. Remember when Flames and Oilers fans were like this? We can only hope the future for Habs fans holds the same fate.

Bloge Salming – The New NHL Dating Website. I heard Luongo and the Canucks were considered for this but they were bumped when news came out that Roberto’s inability to perform caused Vancouver to have a torrid love affair with a sexy young redhead.

(Ed’s note: To those of you that googled “sexy young redhead” and wound up here, I’m sorry. However, if you wish to stay, you must put on a pair of pants. It’s a BoF rule.)

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying with Luongo, Jason Brough puts the “Luongo sucks because of the ‘C’” argument in perspective. There are bigger issues; the ‘C’ is just an easy thing to point to. Sort of like how alcohol takes the blame when, after a night of partying, you wake up with a 2.5 beside you. Sure, the alcohol played a role, but the fanny pack you wore played a bigger role.

MC 79 Hockey – Tyler Dellow calls out new Thrashers GM Rick Dudley for fabricating. While Tyler’s words are scathing, they pale in comparison to the beatdown Dudley will receive from Kane. Evander don’t like no liars.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette – Sidney is set to move out of Lemieux’s basement. I guess Mario finally had enough of Crosby’s crying and whining.

What’s that? That was an obvious joke and you expected more from BoF?  My bad, let me try again.

Sidney is set to move out of Lemieux’s basement. I heard he bought a place in New York with Lebron James. The home will affectionately be nicknamed “The Baby Crib.”

Ha! That’ll teach you to demand funny from me.

Puck Daddy – Does something stink in Jersey? Yes. But Steven Ovadia takes a look at possible strife in the Devils organization. Not surprising ’cause, much like a marriage, when jars of jelly start hitting the wall, things are no longer rosy.

View From My Seats – Fellow basement shut-in hockey blogger Matt Reitz pays homage to a departed friend. Nicely done, I think I’ll end with this.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week: Down Goes Brown, Puck Daddy, Five for Howling,  The Rat Trick, Second City Hockey, Hockey Independent, Hockey N’ High Heels, Fantasy Hockey Scouts, Dobber Hockey, Nucks Misconduct, Ms. Blackhawks, and Distinct Kicking Motion. Sorry if I missed anyone. Thanks to all those that RT’d on Twitter and shared BoF on message boards. I am forever your humble servant.

One last thing I have to share with you because I found it utterly hilarious…

The photo and caption are courtesy of St. Louis Game Time:

“It’s not often that you can pinpoint the exact moment that a guy leaps off of one bandwagon straight onto the awaiting deck of another bandwagon, but we did it tonight.”

If you are a hockey fan, you’ve no doubt heard about Vancouver’s Green Men. They’re a YouTube sensation; have their own website; even a Twitter account.

But who are these spandex-draped weirdos?

What if they’re a couple NHL players with too much time on their hands?

Maybe ’cause they didn’t make the playoffs? (Yes, I  do realize they were around during the regular season but stop bugging me with facts and let me set up the post, damn it!)

We did some brainstorming at Blades of Funny headquarters and came up with a few possible names; We also eliminated others.

Blades of Funny Brainstorms Possible NHL Players Moonlighting As The Green Men

Never seen them carrying a defibrillator: Jonas Gustavsson.

Nor an inflated sense of entitlement: Dion Phaneuf.

They move around: Wade Redden.

Yet, don’t pull a hamstring: Marian Gaborik.

They aren’t rushed to the ER when they partake in fun: Erik Johnson.

Nor when they just stand up: Rick DiPietro.

They love attention and have the cash to buy prime seats: Mike Commodore.

And they’re able to remember where those seats are located: David Booth.

Not that we’re looking, but both appear to have a full package: Phil Kessel.

However, they keep that covered up: Jiri Tlusty.

In real life, they don’t come off like sensitive cry babies: Sheldon Souray.

Nor do they on Twitter: Martin Havlat.

In fact, they appear to be very happy with their place in the world: Tomas Kaberle.

When their image comes up on screen, it’s always good for a few laughs: Jeff Finger.

We said laughs, not gaffes: Vesa Toskola.

Everyone in the arena cheers when they appear on the Jumbotron: Evander Kane.

And not ’cause the visiting coach selected them for the shootout: Olli Jokinen.

Their whole gig is based upon getting inside the opposition’s head: Steve Ott.

Not literally: Colton Orr

They don’t randomly assault the opposition: Mike Komisarek.

Nor each other: Keith Ballard.

Never seen a puddle of blood underneath them: Zenon Konopka.

Nor a puddle of sweat: Nikolai Khabibulin.

Never heard them give random analysis about other teams: R.J. Umberger.

Nor about fashion: Sean Avery.

We’ve seen them in the playoffs: Jay Bouwmeester.

And they didn’t fold under the pressure: Alexander Semin.

You: huh?
BoF: what’s the problem, sir/ma’am?
You: you said the list only consists of non-playoff players.
BoF: well…did semin really play in the playoffs?
You: no, I guess not.
BoF: sooooo he could very well have been in vancouver.
You: true.
BoF: there you go.
You: that’s brilliant.
BoF: thank you.
You: no, that was BRILLIANT. You are a genius, man.
BoF: what can I say, I’m pretty good at this stuff.
You: uhhh…I was being sarcastic.
BoF: that’s mighty small of you.
You: that’s what she said.
BoF: about you?
You: no, about you!
BoF: how come?
You: what?
BoF: what?
You: you’re retarded.
BoF: I know you are but what am I?
You: not funny.
BoF: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
You: [hits ctrl+w]

Well, since nobody is reading anymore, I guess there’s no point in finishing. Good thing too as the only other things I have is some Steve Mason jokes and maybe a jab or two at the Florida Panthers. I couldn’t think of a joke about Lecavalier and his constant trade rumors, nor could I think of a midget joke for St. Louis (Martin, not the city, though I’m sure the city has its fair share of midgets too). Yup, all out of material on this one. Maybe if you follow me on Twitter, I’ll come up with something. Better yet, maybe you will.

(This is a guest post written by Vladimir Sharapov (Владимир Шарáпов). Vladimir works as a baseball scout in his home country of Russia, but his true passion lies in the sport of hockey. We hope that you agree with us when we say that Vladimir will add both a serious and an international opinion to the Blades of Funny community. His posts are unedited from the copies that he sends us, save for the censoring of swear words.)

HELLO BLADES OF FUNNY READER.

I want to thank BLADES OF FUNNY for giving me voice in internet to teach PUBLIC PEOPLE about sport of hockey.

Before I continue with point of letter I tell you about VLADIMIR more. I work job as baseball scout in Russia and I know athletics good. I watch and play sport of HOCKEY since I five years old. I KNOW the fine things about sport so you in good hands with VLADIMIR.

Now I speak about subject and teach you about best performers who play SPORT OF HOCKEY. My list good because I am sport scout so I know what make good athletic performance.

I share list of mine that tell public about best hockey players in world. READ LIST NOW:

1. ALEXANDER OVECHKIN – number one hockey performer in world. TOTAL PACKAGE. Speed of cheetah, shoot like bullet, pass of tiger, score vision of army general, physical power of black bear, balance of mountain goat, skating like PLUSHENKO.. If you doubt Russia produce good athletics, you look at ALEXANDER OVECHKIN NOW.
2. ALEXI MOROZOV – Alexi older now but in prime he greatest hockey performer since Valery Kharlamov. If he play in NORTH AMERICA Alexi score 100 plus point every year. Guarantee.
3. EVGENI MALKIN – Superstar performer who champion of Stanley and MVP. Big man who have good eye and big body. Without MVP MALKIN Pittsburgh not win Cup of Stanley.
4. PAVEL DATSYUK – CUP OF STANLEY CHAMPION. Good Russian man who dangle like dangle is dangled by top performer. Detroit not win Cup of Stanley without Datsyuk starring.
5. ILYA KOVALCHUK – speed of pergrine falcon and good score vision. He Cup of Stanley champion if good team he have to carry. Atlanta joke. News in my village last week say HE PLAY in DEVIL system now. Good.
6. SERGEI MOZYAKIN – superstar performer for Atlant Moscow Oblast who lead KHL in points score now. If he play NORTH AMERICA Sergei score 100 point every year. Guarantee.
7. NICKLAS BACKSTROM – he good young boy who help OVECHKIN score. Best ice see vision of any performer not born in Russia. He good young boy.
8. SIDNEY CROSBY – he okay player for Canadian but he not measure up to Russian athletic standards. He good help for MALKIN. How you say, he starsky to MALKIN hutch. CROSBY good but People of Canada make too much praise for him because they not see Russian perform much. For Canadian he good.
9. PHIL KESSEL – even though he American KESSEL play like Russian star. Speed of cheetah and score like sniper. He not like to pass much but in Russia we not look down on no pass because score is more important. If he play on team with good Russian he could be champion with Cup of Stanley. Toronto joke.
10. ALEXEI YASHIN – he old now (37) but he still do good in KHL for SKA Saint Petersburg. #3 scorer in last year in league. That tell you what good athletics ALEXI have and if he play in NORTH AMERICA Alexi score 100 points. Guarantee.

So people in internet YOU SEE NOW HOW GOOD RUSSIA HOCKEY PERFORMERS IS. In list of 10 BEST hockey performers SEVEN born in Russia.

Let me tell you it not FLUKE. Russian men is powerful men, no girly men like performers from SWEDEN OR CANADA OR FINLAND. RUSSIA = GOOD MANLY JEANS.

PLUS we have good player even not on list like ALEXANDER SEMIN. He best friend of OVECHKIN and good at get goal but he need to eat more meat because he fragile. Man from Russia not fragile so he not make the list but he still good performer.

We have good goalie too. ILYA BRYZGALOV best goalie in WORLD NOW. EVGENI NABOKOV good goalie too. TOP THREE IN WORLD. But I tell you truth. I not like him much. He spend too much time in CALIFORNIA BEACHES and not play hockey like Russian. IF HE NOT CALIFORNIA DREAMING RUSSIA WIN GOLD MEDAL.

I hope PEOPLE WHO READ INTERNET learn from my words about HOCKEY. I leave now to scout baseball but I WILL SHARE WISDOM AGAIN.

BYE BYE FOR NOW PEOPLE IN INTERNET.

Владимир Шарáпов

In this series, Blades of Funny pays homage to the teams that have departed us this season.

To set the mood, we recommend you play the song that inspired the title: “End Of The Line” by the Traveling Wilburys — the most underrated song in music history (that’s no hyperbole, my friend, it really is that dear to our hearts).

In this time of grief, let us now say something positive about these teams. They’ve reached the end of the line, but it doesn’t have to end there (well, technically it does).

New York Rangers

It’s all right… proving all the haters wrong, Marian Gaborik played 76 games this season.
Unfortunately… his inactivity during the final shootout of the season caused his hamstring to tighten up and as a result, well, you know.

Atlanta Thrashers

It’s all right… on the final weekend of the season, Evander Kane became THE most popular player in the NHL.
Unfortunately… because of the vast amount of free beer he consumes over the summer, come September he will be overweight…and also an alcoholic.

Carolina Hurricanes

It’s all right… at one point during the season, the team was battling the Leafs for the basement, but a decent second half propelled it to 11th in the conference.
Unfortunately… they really would have been better off in the basement since, unlike the Leafs, they still possess their draft picks.

New York Islanders

It’s all right… with the drafting of John Tavares, Islanders fans finally have a superstar that they can follow.
Unfortunately… we’re not sure how many Kansas City games are going to televised in the Long Island region in 2012.

Florida Panthers

It’s all right… at least the team dodged a bullet by not re-signing Jay Bouwmeester for huge money.
Unfortunately… star winger, David Booth, wasn’t as slick when it came to dodging bullets and now has a hole in his brain.

Toronto Maple Leafs

It’s all right… last summer, nobody thought the Leafs would be able to acquire two franchise players in such a short span, but those doubters were proven wrong.
Unfortunately… Burke traded said players to Boston.

St. Louis Blues

It’s all right… the team sanctioned golf cart driving courses paid of this year; everyone passed the course.
Unfortunately… all the Blues’ young players were so nervous about the road test that they stopped concentrating on hockey.

Calgary Flames

It’s all right… the organization is closer than ever to firing anyone with the surname “Sutter”.
Unfortunately… fans will face a few tense weeks when news breaks that a “McGuire” has sent in his resume.

Anaheim Ducks

It’s all right… at least management dodged a bullet when they realized, right before the deadline, that Vesa Toskala was on their roster.
Unfortunately… Jason Blake’s name managed  to elude them.

Dallas Stars

It’s all right… the retirement of Mike Modano and departure of Marty Turco will bring a sense of change to the team.
Unfortunately… the organization risks alienating their fan base when fans become confused as to why their team no longer deploys the heavily-padded 3rd defenseman like they have over the past nine seasons.

Edmonton Oilers

It’s all right… unlike their neighbors to the south, the Oilers will enter next season with a solid core of prospects in their organization.
Unfortunately… the rogue parking enforcement officer has already been seen running their plates through the system in anticipation.

Minnesota Wild

It’s all right… a sense of optimism and change ran rampant in the area when new management was overheard saying stuff like: “bringing in a game-changer,” and “playing an open run-n-gun style.”
Unfortunately… they were just making small talk about the Minnesota Vikings.

Columbus Blue Jackets

It’s all right… despite the rough season, the BJs still managed to make life miserable for Brian Burke by locking up Rick Nash.
Unfortunately… life was even more miserable for Blue Jackets fans as they watched Andrew Raycroft Steve Mason regress.

Not following along on twitter? Can’t say that I blame you.

Credit: AvenueCalgary.com

One of the most perplexing hockey-related stories that we’ve ever encountered occurred this past week. No, we are not talking about the Sharks winning a playoff game. We’re talking about the news that Dion Phaneuf will be named the Leafs’ next captain.

After staring dumbfounded at our computer screen and scratching our heads for 72 straight hours, we hit the ground running to try to find an explanation for all this.

In hopes of getting answers, Blades of Funny brought together a vast array of hockey minds for a town hall-style meeting. We hoped that this type of atmosphere would facilitate a discussion that could help us get closer to answering the following question:

“Why in the world does anyone think Dion Phaneuf will make a good captain?”

Join us now as we share with you some excerpts of what was said…

The Dion Phaneuf Town Hall Meeting

“Dion is a free-thinker who does things his way. He has developed a tendency to tune out his coach, which at this point may not be such a bad thing.” – Ron Wilson

“I think he is an inspiration to his teammates. He makes them believe that they can achieve any of their goals like, say, dating a hot celebrity.” – Mike Fisher

“Wait a minute, I think I’m in the wrong place. This doesn’t sound like my ‘Signs that Alexandre Burrows is the second coming of the Antichrist’ study group.” – Ron MacLean

“WE’RE IN HERE, RON!” – Stephane Auger’s voice coming from an adjoining room.

“Phaneuf? Cool name. Great name for a hitter. FAN-UFFFF! That will play great in Toronto. Great fu$#ing name!” – Rob Ramage

“Ditto on the name.”- Garth Butcher

“I no can lie, eet ees justa great fu#%ing name.” – Luca Caputi

“He’ll do fine as captain, and if not, at least we didn’t give up a boatload of draft picks to acquire him, so how bad can it really turn out?” – Phil Kessel

“Good point, Phil. I think people are missing the fact that Toronto didn’t give up much for Dion. This should help ease the pressure that’s on him.  Imagine if they gave up a 1st round pick which later turned out to be a franchise player.  That would just mess him up.” – Tom Kurvers

“Listen guys, he’ll be a good [giggle] captain [giggle] because he doesn’t mind [giggle], eh, I better not.” – Sean Avery

“Dion a captain??? LMFAO!!!! Thanks for that! I needed a pick-me-up.” – Jarome Iginla

“I said what I said before because I know what it’s like to be looked up to by teammates. I’m engaged to Carrie Underwood. You guys know that, right? Here’s a photo of the two of us…” – Mike Fisher

“I for one believe that the naming of Dion as team captain will be great for team morale.” – Mark Messier (circa: 1997)

“When talking about Dion, one can’t overlook the fact that his cap hit is very reasonable. By my calculations he should be making somewhere around $85 million per season.” – Jeff Finger

“His bone-crushing hits are sure to lead the Leafs to the top of the standings… in the preseason. EAT IT, DION!!!” – Kyle Okposo

“Dion is the greatest thing since sliced bread. We are never wrong about this sort of thing, and we certainly are never prone to hyperbole.” – A Representative of the Toronto Media

“There’s something to be said for his style. The in-season acquisition of Phaneuf brought excitement and optimism to an otherwise mediocre team. When was the last time you saw that happen in Toronto?” – Owen Nolan

“At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that he’s our man and he’ll do fine. Besides, it’s not like we can draft a captain anytime soon, right?” – Phil Kessel

“You know who’d be a better captain? Sidney Crosby, that’s who. Sid was this close to being a Duck. I tell him that every time I see him. Ain’t that right, Sid?” – Brian Burke

“Mr. Burke why did you follow me here? This is an invite-only event. Please Mr. Burke, please stop following me around.” – Sidney Crosby.

“This close to being a Duck, Sid. You were this close.” – Brian Burke (who then proceeded to exit the room backwards, strutting like a duck, and quacking — all the while keeping eye contact with a terrified Sidney Crosby)

“You know who’d make an even better captain? Jay Bouwmeester. Call me. For the love of God, call me!” – Darryl Sutter

“…and here’s the two of us at the Grammys.” – Mike Fisher

Conclusion

Sadly, we were more confused after the meeting than we were before it. So we did what we always do when faced with such a grand dilemma — we asked our online buddy Derek, who has a knack for these things, to give us a simple layman’s explanation. He sent in the following prose:

When I was 20, there was this kid on our block named James.

James had no game when it came to girls. No matter how hard he tried, he could never “score”.

I spent a year trying to help James out. No dice. He was so pathetic that it was comical. You couldn’t look away as you watched him fail again, and again, and again.

Then, by some miracle, James hooked up with this gorgeous woman. I mean, she looked smokin’ hot — long blond hair, amazing pouty lips, and a chest that would make Scarlett Johansson blush.

Her name was Anita.

She turned out be a transsexual.

James didn’t care.

After so many years of ineptitude and failure, James was just happy to finally have someone pretty on his arm.

He convinced himself that she was right for him. He flaunted her to his friends.

We all knew that she was being misrepresented, but none of us had the heart to call him out on it. We were just happy that he was happy.

Don’t know what James is doing now, last I heard he started some hockey blog called Blades of… [edited: this information isn't really relevant to the story].

Conclusion: James = Maple Leafs; Anita = Dion Phaneuf.

Let’s just be happy for them.  I personally think it’s kind of cute.

And that, my friends, is why Derek is Derek.

Now that I’ve solved the Phaneuf puzzle, you can show your gratitude by doing the following: you can become my friend on twitter; you can subscribe to my RSS feed; or you can leave a comment. I noticed that most of you are shy and choose to lurk in the background, but feel free to leave a comment, I won’t bite , unless you want me to! — I apologize for that played out joke, it really was unnecessary, and if it’s any consolation, I do feel shame.