First Thought:

Watching Entourage this season got me thinking about how much Gary Bettman must hate that show. Sure it’s free publicity but it’s the exact polar opposite of Gary’s Crosby-Ovechkin marketing strategy. I mean look at this…

This is how most teenage males in America are being introduced to the game of hockey: With Dan Carcillo and the NY Islanders! That’s like being introduced to The Godfather by watching the 3rd installment first.

Second Thought:

This are some damn good “last words” to leave the world with, courtesy of Jack Layton:

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

I just may steal those for my tombstone!

In Closing:

Sorry for the lack of posts but as you can see by the Entourage thoughts, there really ain’t much going on in this brain. Besides, I’m too busy stuffing my face with hazardous levels of fried fish & chips this summer to make hockey posts.

Okay, the title is a bit dramatic but bear with me. Since September of last year, I’ve had the following stuff break down  in my life: main TV (colors went all cooky), 3 electric heaters in the house (all three just “poofed” in a span of a couple weeks), oven (after my wife did the self-cleaning on it, something overheated and it cost $150 to fix), the electrical outlets outside the house (I’m not even considering fixing this problem until spring),  the back window wiper motor of my vehicle just two weeks ago and to top it all off, on Thursday I hit a bumpy road and now have a problem with my air suspension (I had to lowride my way home and all that was missing from that scene was some rap music blaring through the speakers).

From what I could gather browsing the internet, this current problem could be the most expensive of all to fix with estimates ranging between $800-$2000. I’ll find out the exact damage tomorrow but I’m pretty sure it’ll result in me saying, “[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”

–Oh, and I’m catching a ride to the dealer with the flatbed towing guy who’ll be here at 7am. On a good day, I’m not a morning person, but on a cold winter day on which I know I’ll be having my wallet raped, I’m REALLY not a morning person. Hope the driver doesn’t mind awkward silence for the entire 20-minute ride, otherwise “[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”

–Oh, one more thing that you guys may find utterly hilarious. Last time I was at this dealer, I kind of got pissed off at them about something (I hate going to dealers for non-warranty service and avoid it unless absolutely necessary, so I always have a chip on my shoulder when I do go to one). Tomorrow I have to go back, like a puppy with his tail between his legs. (“[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”)

–If you’ve been following my Twitter for the past three days, you’ll see that I posted a 3-game parlay bet each day. All three days, I missed cashing in by 1 game. (“[expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!”)

–So yeah, if any of you placed this curse on me because I made some mean comment about something you like, please lift it. I’ve suffered enough! Oh, and “[expletive] [expletive] [expletive] you!”

–I don’t have much hockey commentary today, but if there was such a thing as being able to buy the Devils stock right now, I’d do it. They’ll be better in the second half of the season. Earlier this month, some guy dropped Martin Brodeur in one of my fantasy hockey leagues. I think that was the bottom!

–The internet is one big wasteland of crap — this site, for instance — but every now and then, I find something that captivates me greatly. The online archive of Time Magazine is one of those things. It’s such a fascinating look at yesteryear and humanity in general. Just take a look at the September 18, 1939 issue at the advent of WWII.

There’s quite a few hockey stories in the archive, too. Check out Ranger goalie  Dave Kerr, who graced the March 14, 1938 cover. The article serves as an introduction to the game and profiles the New York Rangers. At the beginning it compares hockey with baseball and includes this zinger:

Whereas baseball’s annual championship is a World Series in which the leading team of each league takes part, hockey’s championship is not a series between the leading teams but a complicated round robin (for a battered $50 cup) in which the three top teams of each division take part.

In the writer’s defense, the Cup back in the olden days did look like something you’d find at your Grandma’s house:

What’s weirder in the graphic above, the Stanley Cup looking like some spaceship probe or the cartoon bear taking a dump into it? Answer: None of the above, the weirdest thing is a player in a Maple Leafs  jersey holding it!

While reading another article from the February 11th, 1935 issue, I get the feeling that people in the 1930′s were not really all that bright.

By last week, the major-league hockey season was sufficiently advanced for experts to make their prophecies on how it will end next month, when the three leading teams in the two divisions-of the League play a complicated round-robin tournament for the world’s championship Stanley Cup.

Both hockey pieces I found from the 1930′s talk about how complicated the playoff format is. Mind you, the only odd thing was that the top teams in each division had a bye in the 1st round and had to play each other in the 2nd round. Imagine if the writer(s) had to deal with today’s scenario, the article would probably read: “A mind numbing, impossible to figure out format based on standings where most teams have more wins than losses. But the trophy is quite marvelous!”

Fast forward to February 24th, 1975 and you get quite possible the coolest Time cover ever:

Imagine the heart attacks in the NHL offices if this were hitting the newsstands today!

The article inside profiles Bernie Parent and also delves into the hockey violence topic, touching on some of the same themes we hear today:

The virus of violence has spread far beyond the player. The most chilling recent display was Boston Bruin Dave Forbes’ attack on Minnesota North Star Henry Boucha. In that incident, Forbes jammed the end of his stick into Boucha’s right eye, leaving Boucha, after surgery, with impaired vision. In an unprecedented criminal action against an N.H.L. player, Forbes was charged with aggravated assault with a dangerous weapon. His trial, now scheduled for May, could remove punishment for sport violence from the arena to the police and the courts.

Among the people most concerned over unfettered violence are the officials of junior-level competition. Because the Flyers’ buccaneering play attracts fans—most critics suggest that is precisely why the pros fight—the ethic of war has seeped down to younger players. The trend has become so disturbing in Canada that the Ontario government recently conducted an inquiry into violence in the region’s amateur hockey programs and, soon after, the Ontario Hockey Association set up new rules to halt brutality on the ice.

Can’t help but chuckle at that.

The intro of the article features some great writing:

He needs the glove of an all-star shortstop, the agility of a gold-medal gymnast, the reflexes of a championship racing-car driver, the eye of a .400 hitter and the mind of a geometrician. Even then he is nothing if he has not conquered fear, for he lives in a vortex of violence in the world’s fastest team sport. He is the hockey goalie, the masked man, the magnet for action in a war on ice.

As in no other sport, the essence of his game is violence —bodies hurtling, players smashing each other into the boards, sticks slashing, fists always at the ready. Even when the skating and body checking are clean—and they often are not—the play is fierce and frightening. And it is all directed at one target—the man in the reinforced fiber-glass mask.

Alone or in clusters, attackers bear down on him at breakneck speed, their razor-sharp blades ripping into the white ice. From any angle, in the open or from behind a screen of players, a shooter fires and the rock-hard puck hums toward the goalie at more than 100 m.p.h. He has less than a second to react. If he fails, there is no reprieve: the goalie is the last line of defense, the difference between winning and losing.

Chills, baby, chills!

Okay, I’ve rambled enough and I need to get ready for the NFL games. As always, follow along on Twitter if you want to be cool!

Jets +3.5, Packers -3.5. Book it!

Recently, I sent out a text message to various NHLers and asked them what makes them sad. Here’s what came back:

Sidney had some alpha male issues he was dealing with…

Ryan Miller’s text gave us a better understanding of why he was so passionate about the Hjalmarsson hit…

Patrick Kane came across like he’s calling out for help…

Nikolai Khabibulin also has his own demons he’s dealing with and doesn’t know why the league won’t help him…

In order to come to grips with why he’s still in Calgary, Iginla played the race card…

Race was also was an issue in the text sent back by Wayne Simmonds…

Chris Pronger is still dealing with the hurt he experienced from a misunderstanding that occurred last spring…

James Wisniewski also doesn’t understand why people have turned on him for something he considered as an innocent act…

Ondrej Pavelec voiced  his frustration of playing on a crappy team…

And finally, even though he wasn’t on the list of recipients of my original text, Tampa Bay backup goaltender Dan Ellis chimed in on the subject…

***

Don’t forget to follow Blades of Funny on Twitter. We’re almost at 1000 followers!

Last night as I was falling asleep, a question popped into my head. In the summer time, is it easier to blog about a specific team or about the league as a whole?

I mean, think about it… blogging about the whole league means that you can only write about significant events; not the drab ones.

If I were, say, a Canucks blogger, I could write about the recent canning of assistant coach Ryan Walter (whoa!). If I were a Maple Leafs blogger, I could write my 18th article of the summer on potential Tomas Kaberle trade destinations (sweet!). And if were an Avs blogger, I could  just keep posting pictures of paint drying every day (awesome!).

But that’s not my fate. My fate is to bore you to death with the significant events. So let me proceed…

He's so smart! *slurp*

–Okay, really, this has to stop. This Steve Yzerman lovefest has to stop. For the love of god, stop it!

I have read so many positive articles about Steve Yzerman that at this point I think writers are just drones under his spell (DTV was right).

It’s downright silly, people!

Let me play devil’s advocate on Yzerman’s roster moves…

Traded Andrej Meszaros

From the information I have gathered about him, Meszaros is a decent two-way defenseman who will do fine as long as he is not counted on to be a #1 defenseman. Thus, in Philly he should excel.

But wait a second. In the next year or two, Hedman will most likely become the franchise defenseman he is destined to be, which would have allowed Meszaros to slide into the background and no longer play #1 minutes — a scenario better suited to Meszaros’ skill set.

So, um, maybe this wasn’t the big coupe we all thought it was.

Drafted Brett Connolly

There are red flags surrounding Connolly which I pointed out in my post-draft article.

Only time will tell if this was the right choice or not, but for now most of us can agree that this wasn’t “the safe pick.”

Re-signed Martin St. Louis

Okay, let me get this straight. Yzerman signs a 35-year-old St. Louis to an extension that will take the player to age 40 at an annual cap hit of $5.625m. And this is something that is considered a “great deal” and a “shrewd signing” by the hockey media? WOW!

Signed Dan Ellis

Hey, he seems like a nice guy. A nice guy who posted a 2.82 GAA and .904 SV% over the last two years on a defensively solid Nashville team. Oh yeah, and in the process lost his starting job to Pekka Rinne. So, umm, two thumbs up?

Signed Pavel Kubina

He signed Pavel Kubina! Amazing! He can teach Hedman how to shoot the puck. Gosh, coupled with Ohlund, half the blueline is there just to tutor Hedman.

Look, it’s not a bad signing but it’s not an “oh my god, yzerman is the smartest man in hockey!” type deal either.

Traded For Simon Gagne

The trade was a steal; no doubt about it. But let’s be honest here, with Simon holding his NTC and Gagne’s agent looking for a deal, this one pretty much fell into Yzerman’s lap.

Signed Dominic Moore

Nothing is a bigger example of the fellatio given to Yzerman by hockey writers than the signing of Dominic Moore.

Frank over at The Rat Trick pointed out that when Moore signed with the Panthers last season, nobody gave two you-know-whats.

What’s changed? This is the same Dominic Moore that’s been traded two years in a row for 2nd round picks; not exactly Selke material, right?

In conclusion, Tampa won’t make the playoffs and hockey writers everywhere will turn on Yzerman when he refuses their advances. Book it!

Mr. Lonely with no defense.

–Next up: Marty Turco.

Look, I get it. You drafted him in your fantasy leagues the past two seasons and he totally let you down. It’s frustrating, I know, but you have to let it go. He’s better than you give him credit for.

Matt Reitz wrote a piece on Turco, which totally echos my feelings on the matter…

Considering the fact that he was behind one of the worst defenses in the league, his numbers look even more impressive. To say that Turco had NO help last year might be overstating the Dallas blueline. Aside from Stephane Robidas, not one of the Stars defensemen would play more than 13 minutes per game for the Blackhawks. Instead of depending on Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook to slow down the oppositions’ best, he would count on Robidas, Nik Grossman, and the like. It’s like comparing apples to foie gras.

But with Turco, it’s a two-way street. Not only will his defense help limit the shots on goal and scoring chances, but Turco and his stick-handling will help keep those valuable defensemen out of harms way. He’s like having a 3rd defenseman to help make sure the other defensemen don’t get killed. Just ask Brent Seabrook, Kim Johansson, and Brian Campbell how it feels to get destroyed and ask if they would like someone help with outlet passes.

When talking about Turco, I never read much about how the Stars defense is made up of Robidas and a bunch of misfits. That’s sort of a big deal when discussing a goalie’s performance, right?

So… dare I say he’s an upgrade over Niemi? I do dare. And at $1.3m, he’s a steal, too! Plus he’ll make the Hawks even more entertaining to watch due to his magical puck-handling.

–Speaking of goaltenders, let me vent…

The trendy thing these days is to talk about how you don’t need a good goalie to win. In this conversation, people always point to Detroit, Chicago and Philadelphia.

That logic is MADDENING.

Those teams not only possess some of the best defensemen but they also possess the best defensive forwards in the game.

It’s all kosher when you’re putting a Mike Richards, a Datsyuk or a Toews up front and possess a back end that includes a Keith, a Pronger or a Lidstrom. But how many teams have such players? Exactly.

Give me Luongo, Lundqvist or Brodeur any day of the week. I’ll only settle for Niemi if I’m one of the handful of teams that already has a Keith, a Seabrook and a Toews type on my roster.

–I make fun of  the signing quite a bit because it’s fun to pile on Darryl Sutter, but if I were to pick one guy for “comeback player of the year” next season, it’d be Jay Bouwmeester.

He’s a pretty good defenseman, even if he was never as good as the hype that surrounded him upon becoming a free agent (happens every year). Smooth skating, 26-minutes-per-game workhorse who will put up more points this year than last. Bank on it.

When Erik Johnson found out how much Gomez makes, he got really pissed.

–Let’s talk about Erik Johnson signing for 2 years at $2.6m per…

That seems kind of  low to me. Granted, he’s still raw, but he does possess all the skills to be an upper-echelon blueliner. If he makes a big leap this year, he’ll be a huge bargain.

I guess you can make a case that it’s fair value, though, if you compare it to Jack Johnson’s 2-year contract at $1.425m per. However, in my opinion, Jack was a much bigger question mark heading into last season than Erik is right now.

Also, if you look at someone like Alex Edler in Vancouver who signed a 4 year/$3.25m-per deal in ’08, it makes the Erik’s deal seem like a complete steal. Edler is still raw and has nowhere near the upside of Erik.

So yeah, I guess I’ll stick with my original thought that Erik needs to get a new agent.

–Matt Greene is set to miss the start of the season after undergoing shoulder surgery. This led to people to begin speculating about a Kaberle to LA trade.. Granted, the Kings kinda sorta  could use a defenseman right about now but Greene is as defensive of  a defenseman as one can be. On the flip side, Kaberle is as non-defensive of a defenseman as one can be. So, umm, not really sure how people equate Greene going down to Lombardi saying, “must get Kaberle now!” *shrug*

–A couple nights ago, I listened to a Montreal station and they were talking about Carey Price and Jaroslav Halak. The host said something that I never really hear much from the mainstream media but totally agree with.

What did he say, you ask?

He said…

I think Halak is overrated.

Preach on, brother!

–Have you seen this picture of a  billboard in LeBron James’ hometown yet?

Funny stuff. Toronto needs to put one up for Chris Bosh but they won’t because, umm, he’s Chris Bosh. Ha.

–Last but not least, you need to follow me on Twitter because that’s where all the cool kids hang out and you don’t want to be a Twitterless loser right? Peer pressure!

This is my blogging outfit.

I’ve amassed over 800 followers on Twitter; I think it’s time for me to get a little smug. Since the “King” moniker is taken, I think I’m going to call myself  “Emperor” from now on.

“Emperor Blades of Funny”

I like the sound of that.

I wonder if my wife will go along with this new moniker? If she doesn’t, I’ll just have to remind her that I have over 800 followers, which makes me an online celebrity of sorts… and I can do better!

Yes, flat out lie to her until she caves.

Anyhoo, I know you’re dying to get my thoughts on the hockey world so let’s get to them, my loyal subjects…

–First up, I find it utterly amusing that people are trying to defend the Mikko Koivu contract as something other than an “overpayment” by a team desperate to retain their only core forward.

Michael Russo made the following tweets in defense of the signing:

I love all these overpaid comments. This had to be paid to retain him. What were the contracts of the last big centers to hit market?

Sundin, Briere, Drury, Gomez since new CBA came into existence. Sorry, Henrik Sedin was unique. Big centers get their $$ in free agency

I think everyone would agree that the examples listed are bad contracts, thus it doesn’t detract anything from the argument that Koivu was overpaid.

I like Koivu. I’d rather have him than any of the players listed above or someone like Plekanec at $5m (who I also think was paid too much over  too long of a term). But I’d rather have Mike Richards or Ryan Kesler on my team. The former is signed until age 35 at a cap hit of $5.75m, the latter until age 32 at $5m — now, I know they signed their contracts while still being restricted but I think both players compare to Koivu better than anyone else in the league and both gave up a good chunk of their UFA years when they signed their contracts.

At the end of the day, Koivu was overpaid by at least $1 million a year, in my opinion.

The Wild saw the oft-injured Gaborik ($7.5m) and the elder Rolston ($5m) walk in free agency and some say that they couldn’t risk that with Koivu. Blah, I say. The Rolston contract is a bad one and the Gaborik contract is a risky one. To me, Minnesota made the right choices there and have nothing to be ashamed of.

I read others who wrote that Koivu’s agent thought he’d be able to get $7 million on the open market. I doubt it, but even if that would turn out to be true, it doesn’t make it smart. I’m sorry, but I think the smart general managers are the ones who don’t take on contracts that could backfire.

The best case scenario is that Koivu lives up to the contract because I’m sure as sure can be that he won’t be able to surpass it. The contract provides no upside for the Wild and the potential to be really sucky (in my professional blogger opinion). And that’s why I think Koivu is overpaid!

–Prove me wrong, Mikko. Prove me wrong!

–As I’m writing this, Ilya Kovalchuk’s contract was rejected by the NHL. Should be great fun to see what happens next in this saga.

Hey, you think Lamoriello snitched on his owner to Bettman about this one? Yeah, I’m thinking he did.

–Did you hear that Simon Gagne was traded to Tampa for Matt Walker? I’m totally convinced that Holmgren just wants to be Yzerman’s friend and is doing his best to facilitate that process.

Contract up? High five!

–Let’s talk about the Los Angeles Kings and the belief that they’re missing out on everybody this off-season…

I’ve read the Kings need a top-4 defenseman. They have Doughty, Jack Johnson, Scuderi and Greene. They are one or two years away from icing Thomas Hickey (potential top-4 offensive defenseman) and Colten Teubert (physical defenseman who is raw but has the potential to be a top-4 defenseman even with the setbacks).

This is why I was surprised that the Kings were in the running to sign Paul Martin. With Doughty (should get at least $6m) and Johnson (could get $3m if he builds on his progress from last season) up, I’m not sure throwing $5m on another defenseman would have been prudent. If I was the Lombardi, I’d just try to bring in some lower-priced talent like Andy Sutton to bridge the gap to Hickey and Teubert.

I’ve read the Kings need a second line center. Jarret Stoll is signed for the next two years. He’s decent filler as a 2C until Brayden Schenn is ready to assume that role.

I’ve read that the Kings need a left winger. This one I agree with. Kovalchuk would have been a good fit (other than the potential future cap problems) but Gagne would have been an even better fit.

If they managed to get Gagne, they would have gotten the LW help they need without any long-term money commitment that could screw them cap-wise in the future. Gagne really was THE perfect fit. I can only assume that Simon wouldn’t waive his NTC to go to LA because I’m pretty certain that Lombardi was offering something better than Matt Walker.

Now, I imagine they’d probably have to sign either Frolov, Ponikarovsky or maybe even Paul Kariya. All of whom come with their own set of issues.

–Adrian Dater recently put up his top 10 goalie list, which is good for two things: 1) traffic to his article, and 2) causing outrage amongst the internet masses.

I AM OUTRAGED AT THE LIST!

Nah, I’m just mildly amused how anyone could put Bryzgalov (#2) and Craig Anderson (#4) ahead of Roberto Luongo (#5) and Henrik Lundqvist (#8). Smells like recency bias to me.

For the record, if this Emperor had to create a list of goalies he’d want for the upcoming season, it would look like this:

1. Martin Brodeur – The surest thing in goal until he proves otherwise — which, at 38, he may very well do this season.
2. Roberto Luongo – He had an off year, but my money is on him to bounce back, especially with no chance of ever seeing Byfuglien in the playoffs again.
3. Henrik Lundqvist – I have him at #3 because he deserves some respect, dammit! Plus, he’s been a pillar of my fantasy teams for years so I’m biased (like Dater with his Craig Anderson at #4 pick).
4. Ryan Miller – Based on last season, he should be at the top, but let’s see him do it again before we anoint him “great”.
5. Tomas Vokun – Back-to-back years of a .925 SV% can’t be ignored, even though they’re probably due to opposing players just flicking it on goal to kill time.
6. The rest are all interchangeable filler based on year to year. Probably would have Niklas Backstrom at #6, although he’s better as a #1 center (ha ha, I so funny!).

And there you have it! A list that you can NOT argue with because it’s PERFECT and AMAZING and JUST WHOA! (If you do argue, I’m just going to ignore you… or worse: call you “unsmart!”).

–That is all for now. If you’re not following on Twitter, please do so. When I get to 1000 followers, I’ll change my moniker again, from “Emperor” to “God” and that’s going to be…AWESOME!