(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

– Before I start blowing your mind with my thoughts on the hockey world, let me first welcome all the new Blades of Funny readers who are joining us after the mega-successful high school post.  Fist bump!

–Let me start with the Blackhawks-Canucks series. You know why the Hawks won? Because they are the better team. They skate better, they score better, they play defense better, and they play the physical game better. Sure, they have their brain farts due to their age, but when they’re on, they’re lethal.

–With that said, let’s tear down the Canucks. I’m not saying that I’m a better coach than Alain Vigneault — I’d probably do some rash things after Game 4 like send O’Brien out to Bertuzzi Dustin Byfuglien, bench Luongo in favor of Raycroft, call up 1/2 my AHL team, and stab Mike Gillis multiple times for assembling this D-core — but even I would start 7 defensemen if one of them had a testicle injury.

–One thing I don’t get about the Canucks is why they don’t deploy a more defensive system (their defensive play was almost Caps-like in the Hawks series…almost). If you have a goalie in Luongo that’s supposed to be elite then why not optimize his talent with a sound defensive strategy. The way they do things now is comparable to a 60-year-old man who has a smokin’ hot 20-year-old trophy wife but doesn’t fill his viagra prescription. Not the best use of the assets at your disposal.

–It’s now safe to say that comparisons of Luongo to Brodeur and Roy were premature. Comparisons of Halak to Dryden and Roy, also premature.

–I’ve heard some people compare the Canucks to the Sharks. While they no doubt stole Luongo via trade, they still have a long ways to go to match the Sharks trifecta of thievery in acquiring Thornton, Heatley, and Boyle.

–Is there a better defensive pairing in the league than Keith-Seabrook? NO!

–I was never much of a Habs fan but it’s hard not to get behind this team. Oh my gawd, did I just write that? WTF IS HAPPENING???

–PK Subban. That’s what’s happening. He even makes the Habs cool.

–Enough playoff talk. Let’s talk about the Coyotes ownership issue. <yawn>Let’s not.</yawn>

–Let’s talk about Olli Jokinen instead (he so funny). There were rumors that he’s jumping to the KHL, which got me thinking about who else might do the same. My money is on Alexander Ovechkin Frolov. I read that his agent wants $5 million a season. So yeah, Siberia sounds about right.

–Sticking with the Jokinen theme. You could say that Darryl Sutter traded Matthew Lombardi, Michael Cammalleri, and the 13th overall pick in this years draft for Ales Kotalik. You could say that, though Darryl Sutter probably doesn’t want you to.

–Something I heard on the radio this week: I think I was listening to a Vancouver station when the host said the Flames franchise is in much better shape than the Oilers. The argument he used to make his point was that the Oilers have the 1st overall pick, Jordan Eberle and not much else, whereas the Flames almost made the playoffs.

[FACEPALM]

At this point I think I’d take the 1st overall pick + Eberle +  Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson (thank you, Google!) + Hemsky + Penner who showed improvement this year + Sam Gagner over an aging team with no real blue chip prospects besides, maybe, Backlund.

Over the next year or two the Flames should be the better team, but the Oilers future is much brighter in my humble opinion.

–Still on the Oilers front, I think they should draft Tayor Hall. I base this on nothing more than the hype that’s always surrounded him. In my opinion that makes him the safer pick of the two. Scouts may scoff at my reasoning but let’s pick a random draft…hmmm…1999.

Patrik Stefan went #1, Sedins went #2 and #3. Now, I don’t remember what the hype was 2 years prior to that draft, but I imagine two red-haired Swedish hockey-playing twins must have garnered more attention than Stefan. My point is proven. Fire your scouts and monitor internet buzz instead.

–Speaking of prospects, I had a talk with a buddy of mine who’s a Leafs fan. He kept talking about Kadri this and Kadri that. How Kadri lit up the OHL, how Kadri will be dynamite with Kessel, and how Kadri will lead the Leafs to the playoffs.

Jiri Tlusty popped into my head but I decided to spare him the pain. Instead, I told him that the progress of Schenn and Phaneuf’s ability to regain his 07-08 form is what holds the key to the 2010-11 Leafs. He just replied: “Kadri?…Kadri?…KADRI!!!”

–The most humorous thing about the playoffs is flip-flopping fans\media. Each win is met with unbridled optimism, each loss renews calls for the end is nigh.

–Remember in the last Serious Thoughts post I wrote about my man-crush on Justin from Bourne’s Blog? Well, sad to report that things ended up kind of messy on that front.

Big news on the Twitter front: 500 FOLLOWERS! Many said it couldn’t be done but I proved them wrong. My latest scheme to get followers involves using religion as evidenced by this tweet I sent out last night:

Jose Theodore’s moment of rage:

The part of the Andy Sutton interview that viewers did not see:

Lastly, here is an appearance by #doanface:

Behold… The Blades of Funny 1st round playoff predictions:

Washington vs. Montreal

In a stunning twist of events, the offices of the Canadiens organization get raided by the RCMP. The franchise is shut down and charged with siphoning Haiti Relief money in some wild money laundering scheme. This leads one Georges Laraque to chime in: “I warned you about these shady motherf#$kers back in January. Didn’t I? You just chose not to listen.” In a funny twist of fate, Washington is awarded a 4-0 series win by default, the same result had the teams actually hit the ice.

New Jersey vs. Philadelphia

After dropping the first two games by a combined score of 18-3, Flyers coach Peter Laviolette shocks the hockey world by naming a 1987 O-Pee-Chee rookie card of Ron Hextall as his starting goalie for game 3. Even though the Hextall card improves the Flyers save percentage by 100 basis points, it is still not enough to derail the Devils who win it in 6.

Buffalo vs. Boston

The Boston Bruins pull off the upset by eliminating the Sabres in 6. The most memorable part of this series, however, was the touching intermission story aired by NBC showing Bruins players visiting a local hospital. None of us will ever forget the look on Marc Savard’s face when he saw his teammates walk into the infirmary and present him with a game puck and a “keep your head up” t-shirt in Bruins colors.

Pittsburgh vs. Ottawa

With Evgeni Malkin still in a state of hibernation, Sidney Crosby is forced to carry the Penguins on his back and lead them to a 4-2 series win. He goes from hero to villain in the minds of Senators fans, who start a petition outside Scotiabank Place in hopes of convincing parliament to annex Sidney’s Canadian citizenship. Signed by 1256, the petition, sent from Kanata after the series concluded is expected to arrive in Ottawa sometime in October 2010.

San Jose vs. Colorado

Patrick Marleau, motivated by heading into free agency this summer, plays great. Dany Heatley, motivated by sticking it to the Senators, plays great. Joe Thornton, motivated by proving all his doubters wrong, plays great. Evgeni Nabokov, motivated by his Olympics failure, plays great. Still, the Sharks lose in 7 because the April curse is no joke, my friends.

Chicago vs. Nashville

The series takes a bad turn for Nashville in game 2 when a Shea Weber slap-shot ricochets off Patrick Kane’s mouthguard, careens off Steve Sillivan back (breaking it), and then strikes Patric Hornqvist in the head (putting him in a coma). Nashville cannot score another goal after that and Chicago takes the series in 5.

Vancouver vs. Los Angeles

Vancouver players, coaches, fans, and even media members look sluggish and slow as the series begins.  Turns out that an April 2010 by-law passed by city council is to blame for the sleep deprivation of many Vancouverites.  The law requires everyone within city limits to pen and post to the internet a 1000-word article detailing their argument as to why Henrik Sedin deserves the Hart Trophy. The Kings take advantage of their opposition’s sluggish play and win the series in 6. This leads Ryan Smyth to coin the cheesiest line of the first round when he proclaims: “We never had a doubty because we have Drew Doughty.”

Detroit vs. Phoenix

After a snake is thrown on the ice in Phoenix, Detroit fans feel the need to come up with something fresh and representative of their state to throw onto the ice when the series switches to Michigan. This leads to the cancellation of game 3 (and all remaining games at The Joe), after the ice is littered with unsold Ford and GM vehicles. On the bright side, Phoenix players rummage through the rubble and pay a visit to the salvage yard. They use the proceeds to finance their flight back to Arizona, where they then promptly lose the series 4-2.

Many of you may not know this, but there is a top-secret scouting organization whose membership is comprised of retired Israeli Special Forces operatives and ninjas. This secret organization is highly skilled at assessing the psychological shortcomings of hockey players, as well as their on-the-ice deficiencies. We’ve learned that there are a couple teams in the NHL that pony up the millions in cash that is required for this group’s top-secret scouting reports.

We cannot tell you how we were able to get our hands on this latest report, but rest assured that none of us working here at Blades of Funny headquarters are allowed to go down into the basement for the next three months. All we can speak on the subject is that we saw someone who appeared to be Darryl Sutter, leading someone who appeared to be Jay Bouwmeester (only with a burlap bag over his head), into what he playfully called the “I’ll teach you to make a sucker out of me” room.

Western Conference

San Jose Sharks – Deploy a covert operation inside their dressing room which involves equipping every stall with a calendar that prominently tells the subject it is the month of April.

Credit: KurtenBlog.com

Chicago Blackhawks – Set up intelligence officers outside their team hotel. Four hours prior to game-time have your men slash the tires of their team bus.  This will force the subjects to take either a cab or limousine to the game, thereby ensuring that several members of the team will be in no state of mind to concentrate on the game. Better yet, some may not even arrive at the arena after becoming distracted by random puck bunnies. * Should you be playing this team in the Stanley Cup Finals, before putting this plan into effect, make sure that Marian Hossa has a secure mode of transportation arranged to the arena.

Vancouver Canucks – While this may go against your gut instinct, it is essential that you spot this team a 1 or 2 goal lead late in the 3rd period. Subjects have been known to be unable to respond to such a scenario.  This is especially true for the subject who wears jersey #1.

Phoenix Coyotes – In order to have any chance of victory, you must warn everyone in your organization to not get within 2 feet of any subject wearing a jersey with the emblem of a howling coyote head. Failure to do so will result in unlimited powerplays against. Also, due to recent developments, having rattlesnake bite antidote on hand is the wise thing to do.

Nashville Predators – A report on this team will require a membership upgrade due to our employees having to pay a special “scout tax” to enter and watch games held at venues inside this state.

Detroit Red Wings – Step 1: plant propaganda stories in the papers that go on and on about what a “money” goaltender Chris Osgood has been in the playoffs. Step 2: plant propaganda stories in the papers that paint Mike Babcock as a genius for switching goalies in the middle of the Olympics.  Step 3: enjoy facing Chris Osgood.

Credit: Canadiens.com

Los Angeles Kings – Not much is known about this squad because  they have not participated in post-season hockey since the days of Jason Allison and Zigmund Palffy ruling the NHL.  We did learn that in the past,  however, calling for stick measurements has been known to work against this team… because they are a bunch of cheaters.

Colorado Avalanche – In order to win against Colorado, you must neutralize Joe Sakic and Peter Forbserg. Getting traffic in front of Patrick Roy is also a crucial key to victory. Syke! We’ve been too busy fooling around with our hot tub time machine to do a report on the current Avs. But don’t worry about this team, they’re in way over their heads… this year.

Eastern Conference

Washington Capitals – To gain an edge on this team, study film of the February 24th Olympic game between Canada and Russia. Formulate the same strategy that the team in the white jerseys used against the team in the red ones.

New Jersey Devils – Leave an envelope containing plane tickets to Hawaii and a list of tee times for the state’s finest golf courses outside Ilya Kovalchuk’s room. His predisposed instincts will take over and nobody in the Devils organization will be able to find him for a good week.

Buffalo Sabres – We’re sorry to inform you that we have been unable to gather any intelligence on this team.  This is because the Ontario-based scout assigned to cover this team traded in his tickets in hopes of snagging seats for the new Hamilton franchise. He was last seen standing outside Copps Coliseum, wearing a faded “make it seven” t-shirt, texting away feverishly on his blackberry about what what he plans to do to Gary Bettman and how big of an idiot  Judge T. Baum is. Recent reports that our scout has been seen flying in and out of Atlanta have not been confirmed.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Prior to puck-drop, have your captain skate over to Marc-Andre Fleury and whisper the following in his ear: “I’m so glad that your hard work and dedication were rewarded with a well-deserved Olympic gold medal.” Subject will spend the rest of the series distracted as he tries to figure out if your captain was serious or just a sarcastic a-hole.

Ottawa Senators – Prior to game 1 of the series, kidnap Jason Spezza and transport him to the nearest comedy club. This will result in him choking on his own laughter and leave the rest of the organization in no mood to play hockey.

Credit: FromTheRink.com

Montreal Canadiens – Let agent Allan Walsh know that you’ve heard rumors that Carey Price has been strutting around the Canadiens dressing room like he owns the place, bragging to everyone who will listen that he will get all the playoff starts. This will surely result in an off-ice incident that will distract the franchise. If you really want to up the distraction ante, drop some rumors about the City of Montreal cracking down on organized crime.

Philadelphia Flyers – Shoot the puck on goal. Our computer analysis has informed us that if you do this, there is a 33% chance it will go in. This has proven to work time and time again, and should work again unless John Tortorella is choosing your lineup.

Boston Bruins – If you are able to locate the subject on this team who is an offensive threat (we have been able to find this person), send out one of your fourth-liners to take him out with a headshot. After a quick fight with Shawn Thornton, you are guaranteed that none of your players will be touched for the remainder of the series.

If you enjoyed this post, the only thing left for you to do is follow Blades of Funny on twitter. Tonight, I’ll be on that machine celebrating the fact that Toronto finally won something meaningful this season… the draft lottery!

This is our ode to the individuals who will be leaving us (or, in the case of some, should be leaving us) now that the regular season has come to an end.

To set the mood for what you are about to read, Blades of Funny highly recommends that you play Elton John’s 1973 soft-rock smash hit Goodbye Yellow Brick Road prior to continuing. This is not mandatory, but it will enrich the lives of those who choose to go that route.

So without further adieu, let us salute the NHLers who will be calling it a career…

Goodbye, Mike Modano… May a retiree lifestyle provide you with more than enough time to spend time alongside your lovely wife, and also to better research the investments suggested to you by your financial advisor.

Goodbye, Keith Tkachuk… May you be at peace with your decision to retire, knowing that hotel managers in NHL cities can now finally get a good night’s sleep.

Goodbye, Mark Recchi… You indubitably have seen and heard so many things in your wonderful 1485-point career. We hope that experience will serve you well as you listen to out-of-shape radio jockeys debate your Hall of Fame worthiness for the next three decades.

Goodbye, Scott Niedermayer… Oh no, uh-uh. We’re not going to waste time coming up with something clever to write as you tease us, yet again, with your retirement flirtation.

Goodbye, Matieu Schneider… Unfortunately, with pictures of your mug no longer making the dailies, The Canadian Dental Association is going to be forced to allocate dollars for advertising. So that, umm, kind of sucks for them.

Goodbye, Rob Blake… In 1998, you inspired us by showing that miracles can happen. Oh yes, Rob, you certainly did. You showed us that one can harness enough Norris Trophy votes from eastern voters based solely on what they saw on morning highlight shows.

Goodbye, Doug Weight… Wait, what? You were still playing? Where???

Goodbye, Teemu Selanne… Even though you did not live up to the pace of 1400 career-goals that you teased us with after your rookie season, it was still one hell of a career. Except for that year in Colorado. And, well,  those years in San Jose were quite lame too. And, oh yeah, your rookie card never went up in value — in fact it dropped significantly. Bah, you suck Teemu!

Goodbye, Chris Chelios… “Thank you for finally putting an end to all those lame ageist jokes.” Signed, The Internet.

Goodbye, Jeff Finger… You were one hell of a negotiator. Thankfully, your self-consciousness got the best of you, and you decided to cut the charade short.

In lieu of flowers, these players ask that you subscribe to the Blades of Funny twitter feed instead.