Lots to talk about today so I’ll dive right in:

What's this guy all about?

–Let’s talk about Andrej Meszaros. If you’ve seen him play day in and day out, can you please explain to me what type of player he is?

I keep reading that he is a physical shutdown defenseman. I am baffled by this. From what I’ve know about him, while he does block shots, he’s nowhere near being a shutdown guy. And as far as him being physical? I find that wrong, too.

He always struck me as more of an offensive defensive who sh*t the bed when he went to Tampa. Kind makes me want to compare him to a Keith Ballard-type, who is a good #3 or #4 dman but sucks as a #1. Am I right, or way off? Somebody with info please explain… DTV (Bots)? … Kevin (Sens)? … Anybody?

I’m just baffled that the media guys are calling him a physical shutdown guy.

–Speaking of the Flyers, I had a pretty good conversation going on Twitter with regards to Gagne and Carter.

News broke yesterday that Holmgren has asked Gagne to waive his NTC and I thought this would please Flyers fans since trading Simon means that Carter stays.

Flyers fans were quick and passionate to say that is not the case. Gagne is a heart and soul guy in Philly, while Carter is seen as a lazy bastard. Good post here by Broad Street Hockey that explains this better than I can.

This surprised me because  I’d take, without hesitation, Carter over Gagne  if I were going forward. Holmgren must be feel the same way since Gagne is the guy headed out.

"Yay! I'm not injured today!"

–This leads me to ask: where is Gagne going and for what? If it’s a salary dump to sign a #1 goaltender, then I’m baffled as to why they would give $1.5m to Leighton. I’m also baffled why they would pay Jody freakin’ Shelley $1.1m and take on Meszaros’ contract.

You’ve got to think the Flyers would have been better off with Gagne and some $2m defenseman like Andy Sutton filling out the #5 D spot rather than grabbing Meszaros’ contract and thus handcuffing themselves with Gagne, Carter, Leino, and Giroux all up next summer.

Philly’s moves so far are baffling to me. I think I’ve used that word too much already!

–Remember my UFA prediction post? I nailed 2 destinations out of the 13 which have signed already (Kubina and Hamhuis). I also nailed Jokinen, which was done as a joke but I’m still counting it. So 3 out of 13. Just like my test scores in grade school!

–Of course, Kovalchuk hasn’t committed yet. Big news broke last night that the Islanders are making a push and offering a 10 year contract at $10m a season.

Let me address the 10 year at $10m contract with one word: INSANE!

I like Kovalchuk and I’m not a hater of his game, but unless you’re signing a 21-year-old Ovechkin, Crosby or, maybe, Malkin, you’re nuts if you are offering this contract out.

The most popular  justifications for it are: 1)  they need to hit the cap floor, so why not him?;  2) attracting a free agent to the Isles is hard.

The second one is easy to answer. If they win, they’ll have no problems attracting talent. But he’ll help them win, you say? Well, at $10m they won’t have any money to attract any free agents!

The first one (cap floor) may be an issue this year but it certainly won’t be an issue in the future. Just think when Tavares, Bailey, Okposo, Niederreiter and others players who develop (like de Haan or their top 5 pick next year *cheeky grin*) have to re-up. At that time, a $10m Kovalchuk contract will be crippling.

If it’s a 5 or 6 year contract that takes Ilya up to age 32/33, then I have no issue with it. It’s the final 4 years of a 10 year contract where I say you have to pass on at that price. Especially if you’re trying to build the team via the draft and develop (and retain) your own players.

"In Soviet Russia, I'm going to be SUPER RICH!"

If people argue that the Luongo and Hossa contracts may have been mistakes at cap hits in the low $5m, then I can’t see how anyone could think a $10m cap hit for 10 years for basically a sniper (a damn good one, but that’s the only thing he brings to the table) is a good move.

Sometimes the best deal is one that doesn’t happen (see: Gillis offering Mats Sundin $20m over 2 years) and a GM is better off doing nothing than doing something that handcuffs the team (see: Dale Tallon signing Huet and Campbell).

Cliff-note version of my opinion on Kovy: 5/6 years at $10m per = justified, 10 years at $10m per = dumb.

–You know what I’m thinking now? Paul Martin at $5m per season for 5 years is kinda crazy. I think we were all bamboozled by the UFA hype here. Myself included, but I’m catching myself right now and saying that his contract may turn out to have been ill-advised. We’ll see.

–I’m starting to warm up to the Ballard trade that Gillis pulled off when it’s coupled with the Hamhuis signing. But getting back to Meszaros (and if he’s really as good as Holmgren and the media are making him out to be), how does he go for only a 2nd round pick when Ballard went for a 1st rounder and a pretty decent prospect in Grabner (I’m not including Bernier in the conversation because he sucks).

I’d rather have Ballard over Meszaros but it seems like Gillis overpaid.

–Another point about the Canucks: I heard that Cody Hodgson is not on the list to attend their prospect camp. That strikes me as being strange. He should be there even if it’s just as a PR thing after the perceived tension between the organization and player this past season.

(BoF edit: fyi, Trevor (his blog) left a comment saying there’s nothing controversial here: “It’s pretty typical of how the Canucks usually manage their prospect camps…2 or 3 and then you graduate to the main training camp.”)

–And yet another Canucks note: With Bieksa being in play, the Columbus Blue Jackets are rumored to be interested in him and putting Filatov in play. I can’t imagine it would be a straight-up type of trade but if it is, Gillis should take a private plane to Ohio and seal that deal.

Bieksa is a dumb hockey player who makes dumb decisions. He has the ability to put up 40 points but he’s not worth the headache, in my opinion. At 29, there’s no upside there. He is what he is: inconsistent and nothing more than a 4th defenseman on the depth chart.

–Last but not least. I’m sad to report that my Argentinean soccer team lost today to Germany. Having made a bet with BoF reader Rouven, I now have to support Germany in their efforts for the Golden Trophy. So……

GO GERMANY!

*cringe*

Well, since I’m forced to support them, I might as well find a reason why.

Behold the reason…

That’s nice and all, but really does not compare to where my loyalty lies…

Woo hoo! Finally Argentina defeats Germany at something today!

Quick post to wrap up my thoughts on day 1 of free agency.

My three favorite signings:

1. Zbynek Michalek – I’ve been really high on Michalek and at a $4 million cap hit, the Penguins got themselves a gem of a shutdown guy. I prefer Michalek at $4m over Martin at $5m.
2. Dan Hamhuis – Like any free agent, he’s been talked-up a bit more than he probably deserves but while the term may be a bit high, a $4.5m cap hit is more than fair for a guy who will slot in on the top pairing in Vancouver.
3. Colby Armstrong – I like this signing by Burke and I’m quite surprised that many people don’t. Colby is a great character guy in the room, he goes hard and is responsible defensively. I just think he’s a very good fit for the Leafs and for what Burke is trying to do there (even if he’s paid $500,000 more than you’d optimally like).

My three least favorite signings:

1. Sergei Gonchar – Giving the 36-year-old a 3 year contract at $5.5m per is asking for trouble. If he was 34 then I could see this but at this point in his career, it can backfire fast. Injuries, defensive concerns, and tapered play due to age are all very realistic risks. I think the Senators would have been much better off if they targeted Michalek instead.
2. Derek Boogaard – Unless he was hired to assassinate Crosby, Ovechkin and every other star in the East, it still boggles my mind as to why Sather would give him $1.625m over FOUR YEARS!!! Crazy.
3. Dan Ellis – People seem to like the 30-year-old Ellis, which I assume is due to the 37 games he started in 07/08 (and went 23-10 with 2.34 GAA and a .924 SV%). Since then he’s been below-average at best. I just don’t see him as being anything more than a backup who should max out at 20 games a year.

Some more quick thoughts before I head off to bed:

1. The Jokinen thing makes for great laughs but at $3 million, hockey-wise, it’s not a bad contract. If you take out all the drama around it, we may look back and say, “hey, that turned out alright.”
2. It seems like the hype around Volchenkov getting $5m+ was more smoke and mirrors. At $4.25m, it’s fair value without much, if any, UFA inflation.
3. No contract given today really shocked me besides the Boogaard and Gonchar’s term. If Gonchar received $5.5m on a 1-year deal, I’d have no problem with it. The rest were all inline with my thinking, give or take $500,000.
4. Actually, that’s not true. I did think that Chris Mason would have gotten more than he did. That’s why I think Yzerman should have chosen him over Ellis. Then again, maybe Mason didn’t want to go to Tampa.
5. While the top UFAs didn’t get shocking money, they did get their fair share of term. Martin, Hamhuis, Volchenkov and Michalek all got 5 or 6 years each. That’s a long commitment, especially to Martin and Volchenkov.
6. I kept hearing that the Kings were interested in Martin. I’m not sure that would have been a good fit especially if they also plan on getting Kovalchuk. They need to have some flexibility going forward to avoid a Blackhawks problem and committing $5m to Martin wouldn’t have given them that.
7. Speaking of which, are the Blackhawks still the Blackhawks? They’ve sure taken one hit after another the past 10 days.

That’s all from me. It was a pretty fun day. Don’t forget to follow along on Twitter if you’re not already doing so. Don’t forget!

This post is going to part serious and part humor. The serious part consists of me seriously trying to predict where the top unrestricted free agents will land. The humor part will come on July 1st when all my picks are wrong. Sounds like fun, no?  Let’s go! (Please keep in mind that I’m just talking out of my butt.)

Kovalchuk: he's the top dawg... and he knows it!

Ilya Kovalchuk: Los Angeles Kings at a $9m cap hit.
The Kings will be up against the cap after this signing which may cause them some headaches in the coming years. But for now: enjoy the ride!

Anton Volchenkov: Anaheim Ducks at $6m.
I’m crazy you say? Well, of course. But with Scotty retired, the Ducks need to make a splash and have the cap room to outbid other teams for the hulking Russian. Overpaid? You bet! Especially when there’s…

Zbynek Michalek: Washington Capitals at $3.5m.
Michalek presents the best blueline value, in my opinion. He’s solid in his own zone and will come cheaper than Volchenkov which will allow the Caps to go after a decent 1A goalie as well.

Dan Hamhuis: Vancouver Canucks at $4.75m.
This signing pretty much paves the way for the departure of Kevin Bieksa. Whichever team  dumb enough to trade for Bieksa will be rewarded with a player who makes dumb plays all the time. A match made in heaven, if you will.

Sergei Gonchar: Dallas Stars at $4.5m.
He’ll get his money but with his age and recent injury history, I wouldn’t touch him.

Evgeni Nabokov: Philadelphia Flyers at $5m OR KHL at $15m and 100 gallons of oil.
Whooooa!!! I just went out on a massive limb. I feel like an anonymous hockey blogger! Nah, he’ll most likely sign in the NHL but I have no clue as to what team he makes the most sense with. Especially at a $5m cap hit.

Chris Mason: Washington Capitals at $3.5m.
If it comes down to Mason or Turco., I’d be shocked if any GM would actually prefer the latter. If this happens, it’s a good signing. So make it happen!

(BoF edit: According to a reader comment, this is unlikely. But hey, maybe the Caps will use the money to target Lombardi who I also goofed up on in this post. See below.)

(BoF edit #2: I’m changing Mason’s team to Tampa. However, if he signs in Washington, I’m sticking with my original thought. Win-win!  Unless he signs with any of the other 28 teams, in which case I’ll continue looking like an idiot.)

Paul Martin: New Jersey Devils at $4.5m.
I think both parties will come around and keep Martin in Jersey. If not, maybe the Devils will sign Gonchar instead and regret it later.

Matthew Lombardi: Pittsburgh Penguins at $3.5m.
And the endless Crosby winger-matching continues. This one may work out well (or maybe not).

(BoF edit: I’m pretty retarded. Lombardi is a center but for some reason this morning I was convinced he played the wing in Calgary prior to going to Phoenix. So yeah, scratch this one off the list ’cause the Pens need another center like I need more arguments with the wife!!!)

Russia: Verrrrry Nice!

Alexander Frolov: KHL.
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, will pay him the $5 million I read that his agent is seeking in North America. If the price of oil falls, he may even have a hard time getting that in Russia (nah, that’s a lie because the extortion cash will always be there).

Willie Mitchell: Pittsburgh Penguins at $3m.
This can work out great if he’s healthy, or be a disaster if he’s not. Either way, it’s the least the Penguins can do to apologize after Malkin knocked him out.

Marty Turco: Philadelphia Flyers or San Jose Sharks at $2.5m.
If the Nabokov thing doesn’t work out, I’m thinking the Flyers take a flyer (haha) on Turco. He’ll come cheap because, well, he’s been having a rough time since the trapezoid was implemented. Those little lines cost him millions. Or maybe it was his realivitly sh*ty play that cost him (who knows with these things).

Olli Jokinen: Calgary Flames at $5m. JUST KIDDING! GodKnowsWhere at $3m.
I have a hard time finding a fit for him. However, you can be assured that wherever he goes, he’ll manage to royally screw things up. He’s the Milbury of hockey players these days. Maybe, just maybe, he may turn out well in the right spot. It’s happened before.

Pavel Kubina: Tampa Bay Lightning at $3.5m.
I can see him going to a few different teams but chose Tampa because I feel they really need another 3-4 defenseman-type. This should be a good fit for him, in my opinion.

Tom Lydman: New York Islanders at $3.5m.
Another defenseman that can fit on a number of teams who are looking to add depth to their blueline. He’ll be a decent 3-4 blueliner and the Isles are a good fit.

Henrik Tallinder: Buffalo Sabres at $3.5m.
And yet another defenseman who can fill out the depth chart as a 3-4 guy. He was Lydman’s partner in Buffalo and I’m thinking they keep at least one of them. My thinking is always wrong, though, so there you go.

Joe Corvo: Columbus Blue Jackets $2.5m.
He should help out with the Jackets powerplay. Maybe he’ll get $3m. Maybe. But probably not.

Colby Armstrong: Pittsburgh Penguins at $2.0m.
Colby makes his triumphant return to Pittsburgh! Nah, probably won’t happen because he’ll go after the money and should get around $3m somewhere else. Stay tuned, Sid may start tearing up if Colby doesn’t come back.

Ray Whitney, Alex Tanguay, Alexei Ponikarovsky, Lee Stempinak.
All three should get somewhere between $2m to $3m. Whitney may get a tad more if  he signs a one year contract. Too hard to predict where they end up because it could be anywhere. Even Russia. And I don’t have my KHL roster reports handy.

Paul Kariya's Ride

Pavol Demitra, Paul Kariya.
Whichever team signs them better invest in a new CT Scan machine and some extra doctors. Whichever GM signs either one for more than $1.5m better stick his brain into said CT Scan machine.

This concludes my look into the UFA class. There are others but they all suck! (with all due apologizes to Antero Niittymaki).

Oh, and one last thing before I go. Even the worst hockey player that signs a contract on Thursday will make more money than you or I. Soooooo, the only thing we have left is laughter. The more we make fun of hockey players, the more we’re able to hide our inadequacies. Man Rule #425.

Now that I’ve put myself out there, it’s time for you to mock me to no end on Twitter. You can do so by following me here.

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis does some freaky mathematician stuff to see what Crosby’s numbers would look like had he played in the 80′s. He also adjusts Gretzky’s stats from that era to see what they’d look like over an 82-game season.

Man, every time I glance at Wayne’s 200+ point seasons, they blow my mind. Which leads me to the following point: Remember in our hockey pools when we had to draft Wayne’s and Mario’s assists and points separately, and Steve Yzerman became the fallacious #1 pick? If you do, you’re getting old!

Down Goes Brown – DGB tries to explain why the Ottawa Senators lost money this season. Mind you, it’s not a coincidence that the sum total of their losses amounted to $4 million. After all, it’s hard to budget for getting robbed blinded by a disgruntled employee.

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying on the financial topic, Mike Halford has a rundown of teams that will soon be feeling the salary cap pinch. I was shocked — and I mean SHOCKED — to see the Florida Panthers on the list. On second glance, though, I realized they employ Bryan McCabe, so cap issues are to be expected.

View From My Seats – Matt Reitz shares a transcript of Dale Tallon’s meeting with Florida ownership. While you read that, I’m going to ponder why I always want to write “Dave” Tallon instead of “Dale”. Dave just seems to flow better. I think his parents made a mistake … Jeez, I hope his parents aren’t dead ’cause I don’t want them to haunt me over this. F#ck, maybe I should just scrap what I just wrote…

Flames Nation – Ken Wilson argues that middle class goalies are interchangeable, and uses stats to back up his point. This leads him to conclude that it may be wise for the Flames to deal Kiprusoff while they still can. That’s quite a ballsy opinion for a Flames fan to have. Y’know, considering that Darryl Sutter will be the one making the trade; Probably will end with Kimmo Timonen coming back in exchange.

IIHF – Some guy working for the IIHF blasts players who chose not to partake in the World Championships. I’m not saying this is a self-serving article from someone who may have an axe to grind, but let me tell you this: I wouldn’t be surprised if some quota wasn’t met and, as a result, Szymon Szemberg’s wife will not be getting the new diamond necklace he promised her. An unhappy wife is an unhappy life, so take that Sidney Crosby!

Down Goes Brown – DGB returns for an encore. This time with a look at Boston Bruins excuses for their epic collapse. I hope Leafs fans milk this collapse for all they can, afterall, it’s only fair since the Bruins have been milking Toronto for a while now.

Truth & Rumors – The ever-entertaining William Houston sides with Willie Mitchell on his rant against league disciplinarian Colin Campbell. Good read, but back to Dale “should have been Dave” Tallon”s parents. They’re alive, right? I just heard a noise in my basement. You don’t think, do you? Getting kind of freaked out here…

The Pens Blog – Fantastic post that sticks it to those who are running Trade Malkin stories. The gap between the mainstream media and  bloggers is narrowing by the day. Heck, writers from both camps already share the same mode of transporation (for those too lazy to click the link, the ride of choice is a Honda Accord with over 500,000 km’s on the dash).

Bloge Salming – A typical day in the life of Gary Bettman set to the tune of Like A Boss. Great work as always by Bloge.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week Five for Howling and The Rat Trick. Sorry if I missed anyone. Big thanks also to everyone that spread the funny on Twitter and around the internet.

Speaking of Twitter, Blades of Funny is now up to a new record of 581 followers. That’s pretty much the plateau I would think, especially if I keep coming out with material like this:

Random Thought:

I do not care one iota about the IIHF World Hockey Championships. There, I said it. In YOUR face, Szymon Szemberg. BTW, your parents also screwed up your name.

Uh-oh! Why do I keep doing this to myself???

(This is a guest post written by Vladimir Sharapov (Владимир Шарáпов). Vladimir works as a baseball scout in his home country of Russia, but his true passion lies in the sport of hockey. We hope that you agree with us when we say that Vladimir will add both a serious and an international opinion to the Blades of Funny community. His posts are unedited from the copies that he sends us, save for the censoring of swear words.)

HELLO BLADES OF FUNNY READER,

I write here TODAY to tell you about PROFOUND INJUSTICE done to my comrades. My expose will AWE and SHOCK you lazy North American who sit around eating cheese covered chip all day.

After watching games involving OVECHKIN vs. STUPID MONTREAL and MALKIN vs. UGLY MONTREAL. I can tell you this with no question in my mind: THE RUSSIAN SUPERSTARS WERE CHEATED IN THE PLAYOFFS.

YES IT IS TRUE. Every bone of VLADAMIR’S BODY feel truth must be told.

EVIDENCE IS CLEAR.

Montreal bad team who can not score goal on MICHAEL LEIGHTON but they defeat MALKIN AND OVECHKIN? THIS smell like more fish to VLADIMIR than the shores of SEVERDVINSK.

GOALTENDER from SLOVAKIA <Vladimir SPIT on floor> play like MIRACLE ON ICE vs. OVECHKIN and MALKIN but now he not able to stop MIDGET FRENCHMAN BRIERE and WALKING HOSPITAL PATIENT GAGNE. This no make any sense to VLADIMIR.

League do not want Cup of Stanley champion to be HANDSOME RUSSIAN MAN with flair of sabertooth tiger and instinct of killer bee. This why league conspire to ELIMINATE comrades with superior HOCKEY SKILL.

OR League afraid of CRAZY FANS in Philadelphia and Montreal so they act like chicken who do not want bones broken. I do not understand how Montreal defeat OVECHKIN and MALKIN back-to-back. IMPOSSIBLE.

Anti-RUSSIA conspiracy also effect DATSYUK and KOVALCHUK too but VLADIMIR not have evidence as clear about this like I have about Montreal. Plus DETROIT team get many breaks in previous times so it is CLEAR to VLADIMIR they not part of conspiracy.

You say to VLADIMIR: but what about NABOKOV and BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, they still in playoffs?

I write in previous post about NABOKOV how he not TRUE RUSSIAN because he too much CALIFORNIA DREAMING. About BROTHERS KOSTITSYN I choose not to talk about them. They good Russian boys and we leave it at that, OK? Good. No more question in future about BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, PLEASE.

I need to end now as I have to catch train to scout baseball tomorrow but I hope my words open eyes of hockey fans that league cheat and is anti-RUSSIAN. American Fans deprived of ability to watch best players in league because league eliminate all GREAT RUSSIANS. This make VLADIMIR’S STOMACH HURT more than water from village well.

Before I go, I answer COMMENTS AND WORDS FROM READERS FROM PREVIOUS POST…

***

Man with exotic name write comment:

I do not know what this mean. Everytime VLADIMIR visit America to scout baseball, people come up to me and say about player:

“He strong like Drago.”

“He powerful like Drago.”

“He probably juice like Drago.”

Why should Vladimir care what juice player drink? SILLY AMERICANS. I do not get your conversation. NEXT!

***

Man who work as waiter write comment:

You must spend too much time in kitchen because RUSSIAN MEN do not golf. What sort of SISSY game is golf? Walk around park, hit little ball into little hole located in middle of park. GAME IS LAZY AND STUPID FOR FAT NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

You want to know what OVECHKIN and rest of RUSSIA MEN do to relax? WE hunt the elusive LYNX in SOUTHERN SIBERIA. This is what a REAL man do, not walk around park and hit white balls with stick.

***

Finally, lovely lady write to BLADES OF FUNNY ABOUT VLADIMIR:

Maybe you invite VLADMIR to marriage in North America so VLADMIR get visa and achieve life dream of working for Blue Jays of Toronto?

What can VLADIMIR offer in return for visa? I strong like ox, fix house without problem, hunt for food, and build magnificent well in your village. If you marry VLADIMIR you become ENVY of all women in village filled with fat and lazy NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

BYE BYE FOR NOW PEOPLE IN INTERNET.

Владимир Шарáпов