Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

The Hockey News – With a headline like “Penguins must trade Malkin,” this has to be classified as humor. If you’re not sold yet, check out what’s inside:

Here’s an idea a couple of us came up with. I repeat, an idea we came up with. Not a rumor. Malkin and a fifth round pick to Edmonton for the first overall selection, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson and Sheldon Souray.

[...]

It’d be a good old-fashioned hockey trade and a win for both sides.

Let’s dissect this: On one hand, you have a team, which is one year removed from a Stanley Cup and back-to-back Finals appearances, trading away one of the top 3 players in the game. On the other hand, you have a team, which has been treading water for two decades and are now finally in a position to do a proper rebuild, trading away two of their blue chip prospects. A win for both sides? Humor indeed.

But you know what makes this a riot? The fact that Burke essentially made this trade, only instead of getting Malkin, he got Phil Kessel. <Nelson Muntz laugh>

Distinct Kicking Motion – Canadiens Eliminate Penguins; Carey Price Pissed Off. While I’m certain my classification of the previous link is correct, I’m not quite sure if this one is satire or not.

Stay Classy – Staying with the Canadiens, Burgundy offers a few tips on how to do your rioting right. My tip would be to make sure your gang includes a few Leafs fans that have jumped on the Habs bandwagon. I’m sure those souls are bitter and ready to tear sh#t up Colton Orr-style.

Cowhide and Rubber – More Canadiens, this time with added gloating. Look at them, they’re so cute, so Cinderella-ish. Remember when Flames and Oilers fans were like this? We can only hope the future for Habs fans holds the same fate.

Bloge Salming – The New NHL Dating Website. I heard Luongo and the Canucks were considered for this but they were bumped when news came out that Roberto’s inability to perform caused Vancouver to have a torrid love affair with a sexy young redhead.

(Ed’s note: To those of you that googled “sexy young redhead” and wound up here, I’m sorry. However, if you wish to stay, you must put on a pair of pants. It’s a BoF rule.)

Orland Kurtenblog – Staying with Luongo, Jason Brough puts the “Luongo sucks because of the ‘C’” argument in perspective. There are bigger issues; the ‘C’ is just an easy thing to point to. Sort of like how alcohol takes the blame when, after a night of partying, you wake up with a 2.5 beside you. Sure, the alcohol played a role, but the fanny pack you wore played a bigger role.

MC 79 Hockey – Tyler Dellow calls out new Thrashers GM Rick Dudley for fabricating. While Tyler’s words are scathing, they pale in comparison to the beatdown Dudley will receive from Kane. Evander don’t like no liars.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette – Sidney is set to move out of Lemieux’s basement. I guess Mario finally had enough of Crosby’s crying and whining.

What’s that? That was an obvious joke and you expected more from BoF?  My bad, let me try again.

Sidney is set to move out of Lemieux’s basement. I heard he bought a place in New York with Lebron James. The home will affectionately be nicknamed “The Baby Crib.”

Ha! That’ll teach you to demand funny from me.

Puck Daddy – Does something stink in Jersey? Yes. But Steven Ovadia takes a look at possible strife in the Devils organization. Not surprising ’cause, much like a marriage, when jars of jelly start hitting the wall, things are no longer rosy.

View From My Seats – Fellow basement shut-in hockey blogger Matt Reitz pays homage to a departed friend. Nicely done, I think I’ll end with this.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week: Down Goes Brown, Puck Daddy, Five for Howling,  The Rat Trick, Second City Hockey, Hockey Independent, Hockey N’ High Heels, Fantasy Hockey Scouts, Dobber Hockey, Nucks Misconduct, Ms. Blackhawks, and Distinct Kicking Motion. Sorry if I missed anyone. Thanks to all those that RT’d on Twitter and shared BoF on message boards. I am forever your humble servant.

One last thing I have to share with you because I found it utterly hilarious…

The photo and caption are courtesy of St. Louis Game Time:

“It’s not often that you can pinpoint the exact moment that a guy leaps off of one bandwagon straight onto the awaiting deck of another bandwagon, but we did it tonight.”