Blades of Funny went 2-2 in the 2nd round, and all it took to achieve this averageness was a comeback for the ages. Overall playoff record now stands at 6-6. Average to the core, baby!

For the Conference Finals, I’ve decided to switch things up. Instead of looking forward and coming up with wacky storylines, I’m going to do what the pros do: compare the teams.

Montreal vs. Philadelphia

Hal Gill

Montreal… deploys a gameplan which revolves in getting badly outplayed and then pulling out a miraculous victory.
Philadelphia… has also caught on to this style.

Montreal… players have been known to interact with distasteful individuals off the ice.
Philadelphia… players have been known to interact with distasteful individuals on the ice.

Montreal… has faced four goalies thus far in the playoffs.
Philadelphia… are fully expecting to dress four goalies going forward.

Montreal… fans have a reputation of losing their minds during playoff time.
Philadelphia… fans have a reputation of losing their minds all year round.

Montreal… has a guy in goal who’s been compared to Ken Dryden and Patrick Roy.
Philadelphia… has Michael Leighton. <—— HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Verdict: Montreal in 6.

Chicago vs. San Jose

Stylin' Bufflyn

San Jose… has a guy they call Jumbo who rarely shows up in the postseason.
Chicago… has a jumbo guy who rarely shows up. Period.

San Jose… led by Joe Pavelski, have torn apart the opposition in these playoffs.
Chicago… has also left their opposition torn apart, just ask Sami Salo.

San Jose… has a star sniper whose desire for change last summer made him act like a jackass.
Chicago… has a star sniper whose desire for change last summer also made him act like a jackass.

San Jose… defeated the Red Wings in the second round.
Chicago… also defeated a whiny team/fan base in the second round.

San Jose… does not have Marian Hossa.
Chicago… has Marian Hossa, which means it’s allllllll good, baby baby…this round, anyway.

The Verdict: Chicago is 6.

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter. Over there, I try to solve life’s mysteries … like why the Bruins collapsed:

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

– Before I start blowing your mind with my thoughts on the hockey world, let me first welcome all the new Blades of Funny readers who are joining us after the mega-successful high school post.  Fist bump!

–Let me start with the Blackhawks-Canucks series. You know why the Hawks won? Because they are the better team. They skate better, they score better, they play defense better, and they play the physical game better. Sure, they have their brain farts due to their age, but when they’re on, they’re lethal.

–With that said, let’s tear down the Canucks. I’m not saying that I’m a better coach than Alain Vigneault — I’d probably do some rash things after Game 4 like send O’Brien out to Bertuzzi Dustin Byfuglien, bench Luongo in favor of Raycroft, call up 1/2 my AHL team, and stab Mike Gillis multiple times for assembling this D-core — but even I would start 7 defensemen if one of them had a testicle injury.

–One thing I don’t get about the Canucks is why they don’t deploy a more defensive system (their defensive play was almost Caps-like in the Hawks series…almost). If you have a goalie in Luongo that’s supposed to be elite then why not optimize his talent with a sound defensive strategy. The way they do things now is comparable to a 60-year-old man who has a smokin’ hot 20-year-old trophy wife but doesn’t fill his viagra prescription. Not the best use of the assets at your disposal.

–It’s now safe to say that comparisons of Luongo to Brodeur and Roy were premature. Comparisons of Halak to Dryden and Roy, also premature.

–I’ve heard some people compare the Canucks to the Sharks. While they no doubt stole Luongo via trade, they still have a long ways to go to match the Sharks trifecta of thievery in acquiring Thornton, Heatley, and Boyle.

–Is there a better defensive pairing in the league than Keith-Seabrook? NO!

–I was never much of a Habs fan but it’s hard not to get behind this team. Oh my gawd, did I just write that? WTF IS HAPPENING???

–PK Subban. That’s what’s happening. He even makes the Habs cool.

–Enough playoff talk. Let’s talk about the Coyotes ownership issue. <yawn>Let’s not.</yawn>

–Let’s talk about Olli Jokinen instead (he so funny). There were rumors that he’s jumping to the KHL, which got me thinking about who else might do the same. My money is on Alexander Ovechkin Frolov. I read that his agent wants $5 million a season. So yeah, Siberia sounds about right.

–Sticking with the Jokinen theme. You could say that Darryl Sutter traded Matthew Lombardi, Michael Cammalleri, and the 13th overall pick in this years draft for Ales Kotalik. You could say that, though Darryl Sutter probably doesn’t want you to.

–Something I heard on the radio this week: I think I was listening to a Vancouver station when the host said the Flames franchise is in much better shape than the Oilers. The argument he used to make his point was that the Oilers have the 1st overall pick, Jordan Eberle and not much else, whereas the Flames almost made the playoffs.

[FACEPALM]

At this point I think I’d take the 1st overall pick + Eberle +  Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson (thank you, Google!) + Hemsky + Penner who showed improvement this year + Sam Gagner over an aging team with no real blue chip prospects besides, maybe, Backlund.

Over the next year or two the Flames should be the better team, but the Oilers future is much brighter in my humble opinion.

–Still on the Oilers front, I think they should draft Tayor Hall. I base this on nothing more than the hype that’s always surrounded him. In my opinion that makes him the safer pick of the two. Scouts may scoff at my reasoning but let’s pick a random draft…hmmm…1999.

Patrik Stefan went #1, Sedins went #2 and #3. Now, I don’t remember what the hype was 2 years prior to that draft, but I imagine two red-haired Swedish hockey-playing twins must have garnered more attention than Stefan. My point is proven. Fire your scouts and monitor internet buzz instead.

–Speaking of prospects, I had a talk with a buddy of mine who’s a Leafs fan. He kept talking about Kadri this and Kadri that. How Kadri lit up the OHL, how Kadri will be dynamite with Kessel, and how Kadri will lead the Leafs to the playoffs.

Jiri Tlusty popped into my head but I decided to spare him the pain. Instead, I told him that the progress of Schenn and Phaneuf’s ability to regain his 07-08 form is what holds the key to the 2010-11 Leafs. He just replied: “Kadri?…Kadri?…KADRI!!!”

–The most humorous thing about the playoffs is flip-flopping fans\media. Each win is met with unbridled optimism, each loss renews calls for the end is nigh.

–Remember in the last Serious Thoughts post I wrote about my man-crush on Justin from Bourne’s Blog? Well, sad to report that things ended up kind of messy on that front.

Big news on the Twitter front: 500 FOLLOWERS! Many said it couldn’t be done but I proved them wrong. My latest scheme to get followers involves using religion as evidenced by this tweet I sent out last night:

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Not Friday, nope, but I  ain’t going to explain how this works; I’ve done enough of that in issues past. I’m just glad that this week is over ’cause it was quite the difficult one for yours truly. Not difficult in the big picture of the world sense of things, but a pain in the behind no less. Long story short, Monday started off crappy and by Thursday I was in the fetal position begging for mercy. But now here I am, much wiser (lie) and a couple grand poorer (not a lie). Why am I telling you this? Well, you’re my bestest friend and if I can’t share these things with you, why are we BFFs?

Anyways, here are the links. Excuse me if I came across sounding bitter, it was never my intention.

Cult of Hockey – A story of how the Oilers came up with their original colors and logo. Surprise, surprise, it has something to do with pandering to big business (’cause we all know they need to be shown gratitude in addition to the money they extort from citizens.) Life is sooooo fair.

Bloge Salming – The Matt Cooke Show. Matt Cooke symbolizes everything that’s wrong with this world. If he was an average Joe and spent his days annoying and assaulting people downtown, he’d be considered a homeless bum and be disposed of. Instead, because he does it as part of his job, he gets paid millions of dollars, much like a banker. Life is sooooo fair.

Puck Daddy – A couple of guys with too much time and money on their hands spend their life scheming of ways to sneak a shark into the arena. So, while people are starving all over the world, these guys sacrifice perfectly good food to millionaire hockey players. I assume their day job involves working for a bank.  Life is sooooo fair.

View From My Seats – A look at who has IT and what IT is. If you need further clarification about IT, ask John Druce. Though, according to his Wikipedia page, he works for a financial services company so whatever he tells you is probably going to be a lie.

MC 79 Hockey – Sifting through the ashes of the Washington Capitals 1st round loss. Tyler calls out people who are trying to distort the facts because they’re either clueless or lazy. Based on this I assume that Tyler is not a banker because if he was, he’d be all for being lazy and distorting the facts.

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis shares his thoughts on Don Cherry taking exception to HNIC resorting to reading emails from jerks. Cherry sounds like a hypocrite to me ’cause his whole shtick comes off like a rambling email from a jerk. You know who else comes off like a rambling, jerkish hypocrite? A banker. (Ed’s note — I like Cherry; A banker, not so much.)

Stay Classy – Burgundy, inspired by Blades of Funny (I know, I know, wtf is this world coming to, right?) shares some Chat Roulette screenshots featuring NHL players. What do all three players have in common? They all posses the character traits of someone working in the financial services industry: Jagr goes where the money is;  Thomas disappears after getting the money; and Cooke is a straight-up a-hole.

Cult of Hockey – A look at what it’s like to be a hockey player in Montreal. I addition to the adoration and the money, being a Canadiens player also allows you to partake in sexy time with Canada’s most attractive and liberal female population. Life is sooooo fair.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week: Down Goes Brown, Puck Daddy, St Louis Game Time, The Rat Trick, Stay Classy, Preds On The Glass, Five For Howling and if I missed someone it’s probably because I was too busy getting the shaft by the wonderful folks working in the financial service industry. Deal with it, life ain’t fair!

No Twitter screenshots today because if you’re not following along by now, you probably never will. But I must say that you missed some epic poking fun at the Vancouver Canucks on Friday. I assume I lost all my Vancouver followers, so my twitter stream no longer smells like sushi, luxury automobiles, designer clothing, and a whiny smugness. Which means my Twitter stream no longer smells like a banker.

Blades of Funny went  4-4  predicting the 1st round. While this is my best record to date, one can’t help but wonder what could have been. Some miracles are just too hard to predict. Like the #8 Habs upsetting the #1 Caps;  the San Jose Sharks winning a round; or Brian Boucher stopping more than 50% of shots he faces. But that is why Vegas makes billions (well, it used to anyways), while I keep having to endure bloody back alley beatings.

Here are the 2nd round predictions which I’m willing to bet the house on. Hopefully, my landlord will allow me to do so.

Boston vs. Philadelphia

This series becomes the most watched hockey event in US history, thanks largely to Scott Hartnell’s and Dan Carcillo’s off-ice antics. Their WWE-style shenanigans bring in eyeballs by the bushel. Even ESPN leads with footage of players arriving\departing the arena as that is the hotbed for Hartnel’s and Carcillo’s ambush attacks on unsuspecting Bruins. The fun cames to an end after Game 5, when a limo driven by Carcillo rus over a nervous looking Marc Savard as he leaves the arena. Carcillo receives a $2500 fine and a 1-game suspension. Savard dies from his injuries.

On the ice, fans can see that the 1st round success has gone to Brian Boucher’s head. One game, in an attempt to showoff his new-found awesomeness, he plays blindfolded. In another game, he plays with only one pad; claiming it will become the latest fashion craze called boosh-style. Despite all this, the Bruins can’t score (largely due to Mark Recchi developing arthritis midway through Game 2). The Flyers pull out a 4-2 series victory.

Montreal vs. Pittsburgh

Jaroslav Halak starts shaky and by Game 3,  Habs fans are booing him relentlessly. Jacques Martin ponders starting Carey Price in Game 4, but decides against it. The Penguins end up sweeping the series.

Stunned Montreal fans and media wonder what happened to Halak. Their questions are finally answered a few days later by the man himself. Halak is quoted, “In order to perform my best, I need to be fueled by anger. With Carey not stealing a start from me in over 5 games, I just felt too comfortable.”

Vancouver vs. Chicago

The swagger quotient in this series is so high that at one point viewers think they are watching an on-ice rendition of The Outsiders. Many wonder how two teams who have won so little (nothing) can come off as cocky as these players do .

Kevin Bieksa throws cigarette butts at ‘Hawks players between faceoffs.

Kris Versteeg sports Dolce & Gabbana shades throughout the series.

Shane O’Brien keeps a flask filled with whiskey on the bench, which many thought contributes to his violent assault on Rick Bowness in Game 4.

Patrick Kane takes up chewing tobacco and keeps spitting it at Alex Burrows.

Ryan Kesler responds to every media question about a ‘Hawks player with just the word “coward”,  he is knocked out for good in Game 5 by Andrew Ladd.

Dustin Byfuglien spends the whole series chillin’ and smokin’ from a Hookah in Luongo’s crease.

In the end, it’s the Canucks who prevail in 7 games, leading the City of Vancouver to proclaim Canucks Day as a statutory holiday in British Columbia.

Detroit vs. San Jose

Ah, yes, the series which features the team everyone is tired of seeing in the playoffs vs. the team everyone is tired of hearing about in the regular season.

This series takes a strange turn after Game 4. With the teams tied 2-2, Nicklas Lidstrom shocks the world by announcing that he has negotiated the Red Wings’ surrender. Here is an excerpt from the Q&A portion of Lidstrom’s press conference:

Reporter #1: Why would you do this?
Lidstrom: After going 7 in the first round and being tied after 4 in this one, I just felt like our team had enough of this grind. We’re not spring chickens anymore and the prospect of another long playoff run didn’t appeal to us.
Reporter #2: When did you know that this was going to happen?
Lidstrom: Me and Raffy were sitting on the bench in Game 3, we were looking at Joe Thronton out there on the ice. We saw how hard he was trying to pretend like he cared. We both kind of looked at each other, and I said to Raffy that I don’t ever want to become THAT guy.
Reporter #3: So the series is over?
Lidstrom: Well, we still have to play the games to make it official, but there will be no hitting and we’ll let the Sharks win the remaining two games.
Reporter #4: What about this clause which states Zetterberg must be credited with a hat trick in the remaining games?
Lidstrom: Oh that, yeah, we felt bad for our fans about this whole surrender thing, but giving Z the hat trick allows our fans to get free curly fries, which is like our thank you gift to them. And besides, these days they seem to get more excited over the Arby’s promo than even a Cup win.

Joe Thornton, who as one of the alternate captains was part of the contingent negotiating the deal, has this to say: “It just feels good to finally contribute something to a Sharks’ playoff victory.”

Twitter

The Blades of Funny Twitter stream made for good laughs last night. Sadly, those laughs were at me and not with me like they usually are (right?).

It all happened after I had a little too much beer in my system (one bottle). As you will see, things got real cooky real fast…

I probably should have called it quits after this tweet:

Yup, that is a Canucks hashtag in a message regarding Hal Gill.

Why, you ask?

(That’s not me in that picture, I would never wear a green bracelet.)

Then I came up with this clever tweet:

Get it? Because he won’t have to deal with the anxiety of facing Matt Cooke again. It’s like a joke based on psychology stuff. Funny, no? … Anyone? … COME ON PEOPLE @#^$!!!!

That tweet did elicit a response from my fellow tweeters:

Sooooo yeah, turns out I didn’t factor in all the angles on that one…what can you do?

Seven reasons which explain why Boyle did what he did:

• Heard about the Mets game that went 20 innings, didn’t want to take that chance.
• Saw Nabokov looking bored, thought he’d give him some puck to liven him up.
• Was distracted thinking about why Jose Theodore mistook him for Steve Smith earlier in the week.
• Felt left out that his name is never mentioned when people discuss epic San Jose playoff f#$k-ups.
• The lopsided nature of the game caused him to flashback to Canada-Russia and assume Nabokov was the opposing goalie.
• During intermission, took a look at the Sharks emblem and felt inspired to continue the team’s legendary history.
• Finally found a way to get back at Nabokov for hiding his gold medal.

There you have it, folks!

Let’s just hope that no Colombian drug-lord had money on the Sharks last night [*ba-dum-chh!*].

On the bright side, he plays in San Jose,  imagine what would happen to him if he did this in Toronto [*ba-dum-chh!*].

Hey, what’s that noise? Why, that is the sound of heat being transferred away from Joe Thornton [*ba-dum-chh!*].

I could go on all night, but Dan Boyle doesn’t want me to! [*ba-dum-chh!*].

And to close? Rage Guy…