Senile auctioneer Dale Tallon seen here auctioning off his assets to an empty room.

For those of you wondering how much the car repair bill from my last post came to, it was $1500. To raise the cash I had to spend all of February on the street corner turning tricks However, due to “shrinkage” thanks to this awful winter we’re having, I still came up short — at least that’s the excuse I’m sticking to! So now you know why posting has been so light lately.

Here are some thoughts while I bathe the ashamed stench from my body, replacing it with the ashamed stench of a grown man who takes baths.

–Hey, remember the last post where I wrote these brilliant words:

I don’t have much hockey commentary today, but if there was such a thing as being able to buy the Devils stock right now, I’d do it.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had the Devils ranked #4 overall.

–I didn’t participate much on Twitter lately but there were great laughs to be had at the expense of silly reporters on deadline day. Puck Daddy had a great review of all the shenanigans. It’s funny ’cause so many of these media guys take themselves and their jobs so seriously, but in reality they’re just like you and me!

–Speaking of deadline day, let’s talk about the subject of this post: Dale Tallon.

Look, I get the whole “blowing up the team because it sucks and is going nowhere” but besides Niclas Bergfors, Tallon got absolutely nothing in return in this latest fire sale. In fact, if you go back to the Horton and Ballard trades, Tallon really only got Bergfors and two late 1st round picks (used select Nick Njugstad and Quinton Howden). What’s worse is that he’ll probably lose Vokoun for nothing in the summer and still has the Olesz ($3,125,00 untill 2014) and Booth ($4,250,00 until 2015) contracts on the books.

The best trade Tallon made was getting Grabner in the Ballard trade but he then promptly waived Grabner who now has 25 goals and is a +9 (and is used to kill penalties!!!) on Long Island. Hindsight is 20-20 you say, but I voiced this opinion throughout the summer/fall. Grabner is notorious for having crappy training camps so I’m pretty sure Tallon had no clue as to what type of player he was getting in him.

PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME! I AM SO EFFIN’ SMART!

//ignores preseason post where he had Tampa Bay ranked #21 overall.

So yeah, Tallon gets a pass because of what he did in Chicago but he made some pretty boneheaded moves over there too.

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Dale Tallon.

The photo Gonchar used on Match.com to lure Bryan Murray last summer.

–Sergei Gonchar has two more years left at $5,500,000!

In conclusion, I am like totally way smarter than Bryan Murray.

–Both the Erik Johnson/1st rounder for Chris Stewart/Kevin Shattenkirk and James Neal/Niskanen for Alex Goligoski trades were pretty fair and good for all teams involved. I’ve read people who chose sides and blasted the trades but I don’t see that as a reasonable take. Every one of those teams got what they needed/wanted.

–If I had to chose one player I’d want out of that bunch, I’d be Erik Johnson. My only concern with him is that he doesn’t strike me as the smartest cat around but hopefully that’ll change with experience and age.

–My wife watched the Oscars so I caught a bit of it (I would ever watch such a non-manly show on my own). People are blasting James Franco as a host, calling him too relaxed and carefree. To those people, I ask: what the f^%k did you expect from Franco? That’s his whole shtick and I’ve never seen him not be himself.

In conclusion, the Oscars and the people who watch them are silly.

//waves goodbye to the one female who reads this blog.

“Bye, Mom!”

–I had a chance to watch a few Ranger games this month (gambling will do that to you) and I was mightily impressed with Ryan McDonagh. That kid is going to be a very fine defenseman in this league for many years to come. Sucks for Habs fans.

–I was looking at the odds to win the Stanley Cup recently and the one that really stuck out for me was Nashville at 34 to 1. Good value there, my friends. The Preds totally strike me as a team built for the playoff grind.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, having the Lightning at 11 to 1 is just silly. No way they win more than one round (if that).

–You know, there’s a chance that Vancouver could meet Chicago in the 1st round and that would be truly epic. I’m sure Canuck fans are relieved they no longer have Big Buff to contend with, but if I were the Hawks coaching staff, I’d call up Kyle Beach, team him up with John Scott, plant both in Luongo’s crease and then count how long it takes for the ‘Nucks to self-destruct. I’d have the self-destruction over/under line set at 2.5 shifts.

–I’m already laughing at the team which overpays a 31-year-old Brad Richards in the summer. Not Gonchar-esque laughing but laughing nevertheless.

–That is all for today. Follow along on Twitter, I’ve lost some followers and would like to get them back just so I could block their rude asses for unfollowing me. You just don’t do such a thing to a man!

–OH, BEFORE I GO. LEAVE SOME COMMENTS, OTHERWISE I WON’T BLOG AGAIN . Yes, that was an empty threat and a pathetic display to get some attention from my reader(s).

Recently, I sent out a text message to various NHLers and asked them what makes them sad. Here’s what came back:

Sidney had some alpha male issues he was dealing with…

Ryan Miller’s text gave us a better understanding of why he was so passionate about the Hjalmarsson hit…

Patrick Kane came across like he’s calling out for help…

Nikolai Khabibulin also has his own demons he’s dealing with and doesn’t know why the league won’t help him…

In order to come to grips with why he’s still in Calgary, Iginla played the race card…

Race was also was an issue in the text sent back by Wayne Simmonds…

Chris Pronger is still dealing with the hurt he experienced from a misunderstanding that occurred last spring…

James Wisniewski also doesn’t understand why people have turned on him for something he considered as an innocent act…

Ondrej Pavelec voiced  his frustration of playing on a crappy team…

And finally, even though he wasn’t on the list of recipients of my original text, Tampa Bay backup goaltender Dan Ellis chimed in on the subject…

***

Don’t forget to follow Blades of Funny on Twitter. We’re almost at 1000 followers!

"I read Blades every single day, motherf%&ker!"

Okay, listen. I’m sure you’re all dying for me to post me #21-#25 preseason rankings but it’s not to be. I’ll get around to it. One day.

Truth is that I’ve sat down late at night 2 or 3 times in the last two weeks to write up a post but as soon as I fired up the editor, I wasn’t feeling it. I’m like an artist. I need to be inspired and motivated to do a post, otherwise what’s the point, right?

Yeah, I ain’t an artist. Just a hockey blogger who doesn’t blog.

But yeah, it’s been a busy month out here. My son started kindergarten this year and that’s caused quite the change in our lives. I haven’t lived with an alarm clock since I dropped out of university in ’97 to pursue “other opportunities” so this daily appointment thingy will take some time getting adjusted to.

On a similar topic, let it be known that I hate schedules and appointments.

Anyways, let me get on to some quick thoughts…

–I haven’t been paying much attention to the hockey world in the past few weeks. I very much dislike preseason hockey and more importantly, preseason hockey news. I don’t care what some writer has to say about some player who will be playing in the AHL next year. I don’t care about these heated “camp battles” for the 4th line spot. Nor do I care about hyping up some rookie who will be a shadow of himself by the time the real games start. Just not for me. *shrug*

–September is pretty much where I devote all my “sports time” to the NFL and the baseball races.

–With that said, I am going into this post blind with nothing prepared. I have Dan Ellis written on my “to blog about” list but that seems like such a dated topic that it would be silly to write about, right?

F&ck it! I’ll chime in since you’re dying to know my opinion. Dan Ellis isn’t a bi#ch in my book because of what he said. There was lots of truth to what he said even though he had a hard time articulating himself. The real reason why Ellis is a bi%ch is because of the way he handled the aftermath. If you’re going to say something that you believe in. Stand by it and take the heat that comes. Don’t cry and whine and make yourself out to be a victim. That’s bi%ch.

–Okay, post over. Nothing else to write about… Wait. Let me fire up Cap Geek and comment on new contracts… that will save this post!

–Bobby Ryan 5 years at $5.1m per… what the hell took so long to get this signed?

–Marc Staal 5 years at $4m per… ditto!

–Peter Mueller at $2m per over 2 years could be a steal if he plays like he did after coming over to Colorado. Good deal for the Avs there, imo.

–Steve Mason at $2.9m per over 2 yrs. seems a little excessive after the season he had last year and the way the goalie market is, but I guess you can make a case for it.

–James Neal $2.9m over 2 yrs. *yawn* <— insightful info you can only get here!

Is that a concession stand? If so, she must be lost.

–That’s it for the big $ signings. What else can I write about? Alex Ovechkin’s love life? Sure, that will save this post! Here’s a link to a pic of his girlfriend. (s/t Puck Daddy). Russian girls are hot. Too skinny girls are not. So I’m torn.

–Oh yeah, almost forgot to comment on the Canucks captaincy discussion to officially overkill it.  Henrik will be captain. Or they’ll do some combo with Daniel but really, I don’t know if they want to get all “weird” with the “C” again so my money would be on Henrik flat out. Re: Kesler… I heard from a radio guy who I respect that there is some “untold” behind-the-scenes stuff that will prevent him from getting the “C”. No clue what it is. Maybe he slept with someone’s wife? Lol, that’s just me being retarded so don’t go spreading that rumor.

–Random thought: Eminem’s new album is pretty good, imo. I don’t like the vast majority of rap these days but on the recommendation of a friend, I gave this one a listen. Three tracks really stood out: “Talkin’ To Myself”, “Going Through Changes” and “You’re Never Over”.  Many of the others were pretty good too.

–Anyways, I think that’s it for real. I promise to get the second part of the rankings up before October although at this point, I think both you and I know that it’s an empty promise.

–If you’re thinking about  following me on Twitter, don’t let my lack of tweets this month put you off. It’ll get more busy come October. For now, I just use it to vent my frustrations at the end of each Detroit Lions game.

Note: Not Really A Button

Yesterday, while we were driving back from a day at the zoo, my kids (5 and 4) came up with the groundwork for a holiday called “Fart Day”. The holiday would be held every September 2nd and one of the customs of Fart Day is when you see someone, you say “Happy Fart Day!”; to which the other person replies by sticking his butt out and making fart sounds.

Also, the day after “Fart Day” shall be known as “Stinky Day”.

I was quite proud of their creativity and I can certainly see them writing on here in the future.

Now let’s get on to some hockey talk (kinda)…

–If Roberto Luongo’s mind is as fragile as I believe it to be, how is he coping with the possibility of his mega-contract getting tossed out? I don’t care how much money you have or what reassuring words you’ve been told by management, when both the security and the $60 million you thought you had are being messed with, it can’t be all that pleasant.

Personally, I’d be a nervous wreck. Heck, even if the money was in my account, I’d still be a nervous wreck fearing someone would steal it. I don’t need or want that kind of stress (lie). I have enough sleepless nights worrying about small things like the monthly bills (not a lie). I can’t even imagine how I’d get any sleep knowing that some crooked bank teller could, at any moment, siphon millions of my dollars to some Eastern Bloc country. Yeah, I’d go straight-up Howard Hughes crazy.

Sign changed to: "Niemi Has No Balls"

–Sharks fans must be happy now that Antti Niemi is on board. I don’t really know how the move benefits Niemi though.

I assume the arbitration hearing (or as I like to call it: “reasons why you suck hearing”) and the subsequent dumping created hard feelings, which caused him to overlook any deficiencies in his new partner just so he could show-up his old partner.

Sort of like when you’re in your early 20′s and your ex-girlfriend dumps you after telling you how awful you are. Naturally, you go find the hottest girl you can just to show ‘em. In that situation, you tend to overlook certain things in your new partner… things like the rumors going around town that she’s a stripper, has a few addictions and is straight-up crazy. You don’t care about these things ’cause she’s a Presidents’ Trophy contender hot.

But eventually, like say when you’re at some strip club three towns over on a Tuesday night conversing with a 50-year-old man who’s missing a few teeth and wants to know what it’s like to hit that (“that” being your new mate who is dancing on stage), you start to rethink your life choices and eventually you get your mind straight.

Anyways, I don’t know if the Niemi thing is like that or not but it’ll be interesting to see how his career plays out from here.

–I want to do a season preview but I don’t think I have it in me to do team-by-team previews (30 posts). I’m thinking I’ll do a reverse ranking preview with 5 teams per post (so first post would be ranking teams 30 to 25). That will not only ease my workload but also allow me to make some ridiculous predictions and piss off a few people.

So yeah, get ready for team #30, the Tampa Bay Lightning, as I continue to hate on Steve Yzerman for no reason at all.

That’s a joke. They’ll actually be #29.

–If you’re excited for this, keep in mind that I’ll probably get lazy and stop after I get to team #23. So really, this “season preview feature” will just consist of 1.5 posts. HA! In your face, enthusiastic readers!

–If you’re a blogger and want to get accreditation, here’s a pretty good read by The Goalie Guild on the subject.

The chances of BoF getting accredited are about the same as that stripper in the story above becoming “marriage material”, but I did take away one point which I can use on BoF…

What is your own mission statement? Do you make it very clear that you are committed to covering your team in a professional and informative way? Or do you just randomly post sarcastic, sometimes derisive posts about the players and the way the team performs on the ice?

This got me thinking: what is the BoF mission statement?  After a few minutes, I came up with this gem:

ALWAYS. ACT. LIKE. A. JACKASS. (but do it in a good-natured way rather than an internet warrior way).

There you have it!

Close seconds…

Grammar: overrated like Jaroslav Halak; Facts: pffft, up yours!

and

It is my duty and that of this blog to show the world that I know more about hockey than Steve Yzerman and I shall not stop until the world acknowledges the fact that Yzerman is a fraud who has put a spell on the entire hockey media. Nothing you see on TV or read about, outside of this blog, which relates to the Lightning can be trusted. Ever. (Especially should stories or images come out next June that Tampa Bay has won the Stanley Cup.)

–As you’ve pretty much gathered from this post, there isn’t much in the way of hockey that I want to talk about. The Ilya Kovalchuk story is about as fun to write about at this point as I imagine the Coyotes story was last summer. So nah, not happening here.

–Speaking of the Coyotes, I must say that I wasn’t surprised that Ice Edge couldn’t close. When they set up their Twitter account and were joking around on it and acting like I would if I were put in such a situation, that pretty much told me they couldn’t be taken seriously.

–BizNasty is back on Twitter! Thanks to Justin Bourne for the heads up on that.

–A couple things regarding the site…

• I am going to formally adapt the moniker “Blades” from now on. This nickname was given to me by Kevin, so according to Man Rule #127 (which states that a man’s nickname can only be given to him by another man), it’s all kosher and on the up-and-up.
• I am going to play around with the site a bit and try to put in some more ads. This is on the request of my wife that I bring in more of that Google cash which she can then turn into cosmetics. *shrug*

–That’s all for today. I would apologize for the lack of actual hockey content in this post but I think you should be thanking me for not talking about the CBA and Ilya. So you’re welcome!

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter. I haven’t tweeted much the last week, yet I still gained followers. That’s in contrast to when I do post frequently and end up losing followers. Weird, huh?

Last night as I was falling asleep, a question popped into my head. In the summer time, is it easier to blog about a specific team or about the league as a whole?

I mean, think about it… blogging about the whole league means that you can only write about significant events; not the drab ones.

If I were, say, a Canucks blogger, I could write about the recent canning of assistant coach Ryan Walter (whoa!). If I were a Maple Leafs blogger, I could write my 18th article of the summer on potential Tomas Kaberle trade destinations (sweet!). And if were an Avs blogger, I could  just keep posting pictures of paint drying every day (awesome!).

But that’s not my fate. My fate is to bore you to death with the significant events. So let me proceed…

He's so smart! *slurp*

–Okay, really, this has to stop. This Steve Yzerman lovefest has to stop. For the love of god, stop it!

I have read so many positive articles about Steve Yzerman that at this point I think writers are just drones under his spell (DTV was right).

It’s downright silly, people!

Let me play devil’s advocate on Yzerman’s roster moves…

Traded Andrej Meszaros

From the information I have gathered about him, Meszaros is a decent two-way defenseman who will do fine as long as he is not counted on to be a #1 defenseman. Thus, in Philly he should excel.

But wait a second. In the next year or two, Hedman will most likely become the franchise defenseman he is destined to be, which would have allowed Meszaros to slide into the background and no longer play #1 minutes — a scenario better suited to Meszaros’ skill set.

So, um, maybe this wasn’t the big coupe we all thought it was.

Drafted Brett Connolly

There are red flags surrounding Connolly which I pointed out in my post-draft article.

Only time will tell if this was the right choice or not, but for now most of us can agree that this wasn’t “the safe pick.”

Re-signed Martin St. Louis

Okay, let me get this straight. Yzerman signs a 35-year-old St. Louis to an extension that will take the player to age 40 at an annual cap hit of $5.625m. And this is something that is considered a “great deal” and a “shrewd signing” by the hockey media? WOW!

Signed Dan Ellis

Hey, he seems like a nice guy. A nice guy who posted a 2.82 GAA and .904 SV% over the last two years on a defensively solid Nashville team. Oh yeah, and in the process lost his starting job to Pekka Rinne. So, umm, two thumbs up?

Signed Pavel Kubina

He signed Pavel Kubina! Amazing! He can teach Hedman how to shoot the puck. Gosh, coupled with Ohlund, half the blueline is there just to tutor Hedman.

Look, it’s not a bad signing but it’s not an “oh my god, yzerman is the smartest man in hockey!” type deal either.

Traded For Simon Gagne

The trade was a steal; no doubt about it. But let’s be honest here, with Simon holding his NTC and Gagne’s agent looking for a deal, this one pretty much fell into Yzerman’s lap.

Signed Dominic Moore

Nothing is a bigger example of the fellatio given to Yzerman by hockey writers than the signing of Dominic Moore.

Frank over at The Rat Trick pointed out that when Moore signed with the Panthers last season, nobody gave two you-know-whats.

What’s changed? This is the same Dominic Moore that’s been traded two years in a row for 2nd round picks; not exactly Selke material, right?

In conclusion, Tampa won’t make the playoffs and hockey writers everywhere will turn on Yzerman when he refuses their advances. Book it!

Mr. Lonely with no defense.

–Next up: Marty Turco.

Look, I get it. You drafted him in your fantasy leagues the past two seasons and he totally let you down. It’s frustrating, I know, but you have to let it go. He’s better than you give him credit for.

Matt Reitz wrote a piece on Turco, which totally echos my feelings on the matter…

Considering the fact that he was behind one of the worst defenses in the league, his numbers look even more impressive. To say that Turco had NO help last year might be overstating the Dallas blueline. Aside from Stephane Robidas, not one of the Stars defensemen would play more than 13 minutes per game for the Blackhawks. Instead of depending on Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook to slow down the oppositions’ best, he would count on Robidas, Nik Grossman, and the like. It’s like comparing apples to foie gras.

But with Turco, it’s a two-way street. Not only will his defense help limit the shots on goal and scoring chances, but Turco and his stick-handling will help keep those valuable defensemen out of harms way. He’s like having a 3rd defenseman to help make sure the other defensemen don’t get killed. Just ask Brent Seabrook, Kim Johansson, and Brian Campbell how it feels to get destroyed and ask if they would like someone help with outlet passes.

When talking about Turco, I never read much about how the Stars defense is made up of Robidas and a bunch of misfits. That’s sort of a big deal when discussing a goalie’s performance, right?

So… dare I say he’s an upgrade over Niemi? I do dare. And at $1.3m, he’s a steal, too! Plus he’ll make the Hawks even more entertaining to watch due to his magical puck-handling.

–Speaking of goaltenders, let me vent…

The trendy thing these days is to talk about how you don’t need a good goalie to win. In this conversation, people always point to Detroit, Chicago and Philadelphia.

That logic is MADDENING.

Those teams not only possess some of the best defensemen but they also possess the best defensive forwards in the game.

It’s all kosher when you’re putting a Mike Richards, a Datsyuk or a Toews up front and possess a back end that includes a Keith, a Pronger or a Lidstrom. But how many teams have such players? Exactly.

Give me Luongo, Lundqvist or Brodeur any day of the week. I’ll only settle for Niemi if I’m one of the handful of teams that already has a Keith, a Seabrook and a Toews type on my roster.

–I make fun of  the signing quite a bit because it’s fun to pile on Darryl Sutter, but if I were to pick one guy for “comeback player of the year” next season, it’d be Jay Bouwmeester.

He’s a pretty good defenseman, even if he was never as good as the hype that surrounded him upon becoming a free agent (happens every year). Smooth skating, 26-minutes-per-game workhorse who will put up more points this year than last. Bank on it.

When Erik Johnson found out how much Gomez makes, he got really pissed.

–Let’s talk about Erik Johnson signing for 2 years at $2.6m per…

That seems kind of  low to me. Granted, he’s still raw, but he does possess all the skills to be an upper-echelon blueliner. If he makes a big leap this year, he’ll be a huge bargain.

I guess you can make a case that it’s fair value, though, if you compare it to Jack Johnson’s 2-year contract at $1.425m per. However, in my opinion, Jack was a much bigger question mark heading into last season than Erik is right now.

Also, if you look at someone like Alex Edler in Vancouver who signed a 4 year/$3.25m-per deal in ’08, it makes the Erik’s deal seem like a complete steal. Edler is still raw and has nowhere near the upside of Erik.

So yeah, I guess I’ll stick with my original thought that Erik needs to get a new agent.

–Matt Greene is set to miss the start of the season after undergoing shoulder surgery. This led to people to begin speculating about a Kaberle to LA trade.. Granted, the Kings kinda sorta  could use a defenseman right about now but Greene is as defensive of  a defenseman as one can be. On the flip side, Kaberle is as non-defensive of a defenseman as one can be. So, umm, not really sure how people equate Greene going down to Lombardi saying, “must get Kaberle now!” *shrug*

–A couple nights ago, I listened to a Montreal station and they were talking about Carey Price and Jaroslav Halak. The host said something that I never really hear much from the mainstream media but totally agree with.

What did he say, you ask?

He said…

I think Halak is overrated.

Preach on, brother!

–Have you seen this picture of a  billboard in LeBron James’ hometown yet?

Funny stuff. Toronto needs to put one up for Chris Bosh but they won’t because, umm, he’s Chris Bosh. Ha.

–Last but not least, you need to follow me on Twitter because that’s where all the cool kids hang out and you don’t want to be a Twitterless loser right? Peer pressure!