(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

–Congratulations to the Blackhawks on winning the Cup. Just goes to show that if you suck for a decade, get some high picks, steal a few players via trade, and then sign some role players into the mix, you can achieve success. Basically the exact opposite approach that the Leafs have employed (besides the suck for a decade thing).

–I was too young to watch the Oilers win their first Cup but I imagine that the Hawks are the closest thing we’ve seen to that Oilers team of the 80′s. An Oilers-lite version, if you will. If not for the salary cap, they could very well become a dynasty. But with the cap, that’s not likely. I can certainly see them winning another Cup or two in the next 6 years but no way can they capture 4 over that span.

–The bonuses that carry over to next year are just a killer. Obviously, Huet will be parked in the AHL, but then what?

The names that are bandied about are Sharp, Versteeg and Byfuglien. If I had to choose one of those three to move, it would definitely be Big Buff. There is no better time to move him than right now, when his stock is at an all-time high. (Plus he becomes RFA next season, and with Seabrook also up, next summer can become messy too.)

I’d have a hard time getting rid of  Versteeg or Sharp. They’re the guys that give Chicago that killer depth that’s been such a key to the way they play the game.

–But humor me for a second: Is Brian Campbell untradeable?  I wouldn’t be surprised if some team takes the bait and snags him. After all, the Rangers managed to unload Gomez last year.

–The reason I think Campbell is tradeable is because of Tomas Kaberle. I’m shocked at what some people (Brian Burke included) think that Kaberle can fetch. Granted there are some major differences contract-wise but a team would basically have to give up nothing to acquire Campbell — I would think anyway.

And yeah, I think Kaberle is over-hyped but he does have fair contract. If Campbell was a $5m cap hit, that would make a world of difference. But then you’d have to give up assets in return. It’s all a give and take, right?

–I was asked by Matt to participate in his 2010 Year End Blogger Style Awards. When my votes are revealed, I hope you take the time to laugh at me and call me an idiot. Thanks.

–Hockey never sleeps. The next month will be as action-packed as any in the hockey world. I myself can’t wait for July 1st when people laugh and jeer a GM for the moves he makes, only to have to bite their tongue when his team miraculously makes the Conference Finals as an 8th seed.

–But you got to love July 1st. A select group of NHLers become big fish in a small pond and get to reap the rewards. What other time of the year can Dan Hamhuis and Anton Volchenkov bring out the “OMG!! WE F**KING SIGNED HIM. I’M SO HAPPY!!!” in fans?

Granted, 6 months later those screams will turn into: “OMG!! WHY THE F**K DID WE PAY HIM THAT MUCH? HE SUCKS!!!”

–You know who is approaching a Bettman-level of being pompous and condescending? Ron MacLean. It’s scary to see how fast that disease is progressing in him. OSHL coined the phrase The Importance of Being Ron MacLean(c), I’d really like to see it catch on.

–That was really mean. I feel like I’m becoming a real blogger now!

–The playoffs this year were awesome. So many entertaining stories and so many great moments. Can’t ask for more, besides maybe a better montage song.

–That’s it for today. Don’t forget to follow BoF on Twitter. I’m in full-scale World Cup mode. If you’re wondering what my team is, it’s Argentina, and has been since I watched my first World Cup as a kid. My wife is from Brazil so that makes for an entertaining period in our household. I’m really stoked to see Diego Maradona roaming the sidelines tomorrow. That in itself should be entertaining.

If you are a hockey fan, you’ve no doubt heard about Vancouver’s Green Men. They’re a YouTube sensation; have their own website; even a Twitter account.

But who are these spandex-draped weirdos?

What if they’re a couple NHL players with too much time on their hands?

Maybe ’cause they didn’t make the playoffs? (Yes, I  do realize they were around during the regular season but stop bugging me with facts and let me set up the post, damn it!)

We did some brainstorming at Blades of Funny headquarters and came up with a few possible names; We also eliminated others.

Blades of Funny Brainstorms Possible NHL Players Moonlighting As The Green Men

Never seen them carrying a defibrillator: Jonas Gustavsson.

Nor an inflated sense of entitlement: Dion Phaneuf.

They move around: Wade Redden.

Yet, don’t pull a hamstring: Marian Gaborik.

They aren’t rushed to the ER when they partake in fun: Erik Johnson.

Nor when they just stand up: Rick DiPietro.

They love attention and have the cash to buy prime seats: Mike Commodore.

And they’re able to remember where those seats are located: David Booth.

Not that we’re looking, but both appear to have a full package: Phil Kessel.

However, they keep that covered up: Jiri Tlusty.

In real life, they don’t come off like sensitive cry babies: Sheldon Souray.

Nor do they on Twitter: Martin Havlat.

In fact, they appear to be very happy with their place in the world: Tomas Kaberle.

When their image comes up on screen, it’s always good for a few laughs: Jeff Finger.

We said laughs, not gaffes: Vesa Toskola.

Everyone in the arena cheers when they appear on the Jumbotron: Evander Kane.

And not ’cause the visiting coach selected them for the shootout: Olli Jokinen.

Their whole gig is based upon getting inside the opposition’s head: Steve Ott.

Not literally: Colton Orr

They don’t randomly assault the opposition: Mike Komisarek.

Nor each other: Keith Ballard.

Never seen a puddle of blood underneath them: Zenon Konopka.

Nor a puddle of sweat: Nikolai Khabibulin.

Never heard them give random analysis about other teams: R.J. Umberger.

Nor about fashion: Sean Avery.

We’ve seen them in the playoffs: Jay Bouwmeester.

And they didn’t fold under the pressure: Alexander Semin.

You: huh?
BoF: what’s the problem, sir/ma’am?
You: you said the list only consists of non-playoff players.
BoF: well…did semin really play in the playoffs?
You: no, I guess not.
BoF: sooooo he could very well have been in vancouver.
You: true.
BoF: there you go.
You: that’s brilliant.
BoF: thank you.
You: no, that was BRILLIANT. You are a genius, man.
BoF: what can I say, I’m pretty good at this stuff.
You: uhhh…I was being sarcastic.
BoF: that’s mighty small of you.
You: that’s what she said.
BoF: about you?
You: no, about you!
BoF: how come?
You: what?
BoF: what?
You: you’re retarded.
BoF: I know you are but what am I?
You: not funny.
BoF: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
You: [hits ctrl+w]

Well, since nobody is reading anymore, I guess there’s no point in finishing. Good thing too as the only other things I have is some Steve Mason jokes and maybe a jab or two at the Florida Panthers. I couldn’t think of a joke about Lecavalier and his constant trade rumors, nor could I think of a midget joke for St. Louis (Martin, not the city, though I’m sure the city has its fair share of midgets too). Yup, all out of material on this one. Maybe if you follow me on Twitter, I’ll come up with something. Better yet, maybe you will.

Credit: TotalPhoto.ca

With the regular season near its end, the NHL community is on pins and needles eagerly awaiting the start of the playoffs Brian Burke’s state of the union address to Leafs Nation.

This annual press conference has already surpassed Easter as the most anticipated April tradition in Toronto and we can only imagine it will become even grander in scale over the next decade.

Through some janitorial sources working deep inside the bowels of MLSE, we here at Blades of Funny have managed to get our hands on a rough first-draft of Burke’s speech.

Keep in mind that this is a very raw copy that has yet to be revised by a group lawyers sitting in front of Harold Ballard’s tomb. (Just saying that things may be changed around by the time Burkie takes the podium).

For the sake of everyone involved — we don’t want to see anyone lose their job over this — please keep this on the down low.

Dear Maple Leafs Nation,

Before I start I want it to be perfectly clear that what I am about to say is to the fans and not to the media. I do not care one iota if the media is in this room listening to me or not. This is about the fans and not the media. I could care less about the media and what they think. Are we clear? Okay then.

//fix tie

Oh and before I forget, for those of you in the media that would like the schedule 1-on-1 interviews after this presser, I am available for those anytime from today until the season starts. Now let me say what I came here to say.

//take sip of water

I stand before you today on this somber day which represents failure. I am not happy. My teams have made the playoffs 7 years in a row, not counting this one and the one prior.

//angry glare

My butt is burning and I feel like I have been kicked in the groin for two long years. I cannot stress enough how messed up below the belt I am right now.

//look of digust

Listen, I take this very professionally personal (what?) so I’m sorry if I’m not more cheerful about the news that broke today about Jonas Gustavsson going 8 days in a row without a heart attack.

//death stare into camera

I want to let you know right now that losing will not be tolerated and that we will make the playoffs next season.

//angry glare

I am now going to share with you my to-do-list for the off-season which will serve as a blueprint for our future success here in Toronto.

//take sip of water

1. The word “truculence” shall be eliminated from our vocabulary until we bump our penalty killing success rate above 75%. If we get over that hump, mark my words,  heads will roll.
2. All players on our roster who do not have a no-trade-clause will be sternly warned that if they do not perform above and beyond the call of duty they will be shipped off to Alberta. And, unlike last summer’s warning, I don’t mean Calgary this time around.
3. The money we are saving by not having any junior scouts on the payroll will be used to hire professional technicians who will scan our dressing room for mold, lead, asbestos, and any other foreign chemical that may be present. With this we’re hoping to get an explanation as to why an individual’s hockey sense/skill becomes impeded when he puts on a Maple Leafs jersey. We will also hire a team of scientists to analyze Lee Stempniak’s discarded garbage outside his Phoenix home to see how it differs chemically from the garbage he left on the ice at the ACC during his time in Toronto.
4. We will do our best to make trades that benefit our hockey team. Look, I have it on good authority that a team on the west coast, I do not want to get into specifics but let’s just say that they play in a city that starts with the letter “V”, is keen on trading away some very good players. Again, I do not want to mention names because that would be very unprofessional and that’s not how I do things. Let’s just say that a set of twins are going to be hitting the market this summer, and let’s leave it at that. Oh and a player who played for me on Team USA is also being shopped around by this team’s GM. Sorry guys, that’s all I can say for now. Sorry for being so vague but I take acting like a professional very seriously.
5. We fully expect Nazem Kadri to make our team next season. Because of this we will be working hard all summer to acclimate Phil Kessel to the possibility that he may have a teammate who will be helping him put the puck in the opposing team’s net. This will be a slow processs as it will be in stark contrast to what he experienced this season.
6. I am going to call up Darryl Sutter and ask about Jarome Iginla. I will let him know that I have more where that came from if he’s game.
7. I am also going to make my annual  phone call to Kevin Lowe where this year I will laugh for 4 minutes and 25 seconds, call him a scoundrel,  and hang-up. I will then enjoy 26 seconds of bliss and savor the moment with a grinch-like smile. 27 seconds after hanging up I will return to normal.
8. With Tomas Kaberle no longer having his no-trade-clause in his back pocket, I will be able to entertain offers for him for the first time during my tenure here in Toronto. I have never even gauged the interest around the league for him because I respect the NTC but I imagine there will be many strong offers presented to me by other GMs. He is an elite-level defenceman who put up 43 points in our first 56 games. I do not have his numbers after 56 games with me but I’m sure those are not important when we are talking about an elite-level defenceman like Tomas. This type of elite-level defenceman does not come up on the market often. When was the last time you saw an elite-level defenceman like Kaberle on the trading block? I have never seen it myself so that speaks volumes about what an elite-level defenceman Tomas Kaberele is.
9. Dion Phaneuf will be asked to cut down the number of days he spends frolicking around on exotic beaches. With any luck we should be able to get him down to under 200 days per year, which will be vast improvement on the 345 days he spent lounging around in 2009. This will hopefully allow Dion enough time to attend practice and other team building functions.
10. And last but not least, the first thing I plan to do after leaving here today is look through my dictionary to find a couple new words that will serve both as a motto for the 2010-11 Maple Leafs and a catch-phrase that I will build the team around.

//death stare into camera

I hope I have made myself clear as to what the future holds for this hockey team.

//take off suit

I want to stress that losing will not be tolerated. I do not enjoy kicks to the groin nor a burning sensation in my butt.

//roll up sleeves

We are the Toronto Maple Leafs.

//fix tie

Mark my words, we will make the playoffs next season.

//death stare into camera

If you enjoyed this post then please follow me on twitter. Twitter followers are like currency for the new generation which works out well for everyone involved except for those of us that need food and shelter in order to survive. Can’t eat a tweet, right?… or can you?… nope, no you can’t. Now if you will please excuse me while I, on a totally unrelated matter,  call my dentist.