"I can't believe Blades hasn't been fired from blogging already."

There will be a new post soon. I promise. If you’re wondering why there hasn’t been a post in like a month, well, it’s because I’ve been on a deeply rewarding quest of trying to become the new head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Sadly, it was not to be… this year.

Nah, I’m lying. Truth is that I really wanted to go a month without a post just to see what it feels like. Then I made a bet with a friend who thought I couldn’t do it. Obviously, I won and am now filthy rich.

Ahh, lying again. You caught me! The real identity of “Blades” is actually Nazem Kadri, and for the past month I’ve had to concentrate on hockey so I can get paid. Now that I’ve been called up, I’m going to have extra time to spit out a post or two since, y’know, the Leafs don’t actually play hockey.

Ha!

Nah, again I’m compulsive with this shit. The truth is that I told myself I won’t post until the Devils win a home game and, y’know, it just spiraled out of control. Frankly, I’m surprised I even remembered the password to this blog.

Anyway, this is just an appetizer post. There will be more soon. For now check out this hilarious series by Jason from Discard What You Don’t Need. Part #2 here. HILARIOUS! Jason is the bastard who called me out on Twitter about not posting in almost a month and then threatened to jam a toothpick into my Sami Salos if I didn’t post soon. So you have him to thank for this post.

Don’t forget to follow along on Twitter. 1019 followers and no tweets since November 7th. How cool am I?

"For He cared about the souls of a cold cold climate so much, He sent his only son to comfort them."

It’s written in my hockey blogger contract that I have to make a post within 24 hours of the ending of the last game of the first day of the NHL season. Yes, it’s confusing and it took me hours rereading the sentence to actually figure out what it meant.

So here we go. Rapid fire nonsense…

–OMG!!! Did you watch the Oilers? Stanley Cup champs within 4 months! (yes, 4 months).

But seriously, they put on quite the entertaining show in the opener. Hall was fun to watch. Eberle settled down as the game progressed and showed his skills. Paarvi looked the most nervous of the three but flashed his speed on a few occasions. Looking forward to their next game.

That said, I very much doubt they’ll be able to sustain that hustle and enthusiasm all year. Khabibulin also stood on his head. Not sure that’s sustainable either.

–Another thing that caught my eye was how lean Dustin Penner was. Not to sound gay or anything, but DAMN HE LOOKS LIKE HE WAS WORKING OUT ALL SUMMER!!!

–Okay, probably should have avoided the use of caps if I didn’t want it to sound gay. Better rectify it quick…

Just when you thought the Flames were embarrassed enough in Game #1...

–Steve MacIntyre’s KO of Ivanans was F*#KING AWESOME! There’s nothing better when two strong guys hook up and one gets beat… oh crap.

–How about them Leafs? Let it be known that I had them making the playoffs before the season started! Let it be known, dammit!

–Have you noticed how cars these days all look the same? I was sitting in my vehicle today, parked in strip mall parking lot (for the record, I wasn’t casing the place, just waiting for the wife and kids who were at the doctor) and every car looked the same.

Toyotas,  Hyundais, Chevys, some Hondas and a Bimmer mixed in. Besides the car type, the differences between vehicles are negligible these days (ie: all compacts look the same, all sedans look the same).

I grew up in the 90′s and cars seemed to be more interesting. Is it just me or do you notice this too?

–For the record, I drive an ’04 Navigator which rapes me at the pumps and pollutes the environment *evil laugh*. Not sure if this makes me a rebel or just stupid. But I will say that after driving a big vehicle like that, Navigator Blades hurls homophobic insults through a time machine at Sports Car Blades.

–Funniest thing I heard this week on sports talk radio was a caller who called in to Stephen A. Smith’s show and dropped the following line about the names featured in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers backfield:

They got a Graham, a Blount and a Cadillac. They’re rolling in style.

I’m mature beyond my years, eh?

After reading my Penner comment, Favre sent me this photo of himself.

–That’s all for today. I’m 10 followers away from 1000 on Twitter! When I reach that number, I’m sending every follower Brett Favre inspired photos of myself. You’ve been warned!

There’s also the RSS feed which you can grab here and add it to your reader. There’s over a 100 people who read the blog this way. I call RSS readers the lazy a%#holes of the internet. They just want everything delivered to them at their convince. I should now because I’m one of them.

With September just around the corner, it’s time to create a strategy for your upcoming fantasy hockey draft. Here are some tips to get your started…

"What you say about Steve Mason, bi*ch?" - Tuukka

• If you decide to draft Tuukka Rask, be prepared for the inevitable “Steve Mason” references from the gallery. Shut ‘em up quickly with a sarcastic “because playing behind Chara is just like playing behind Fedor Tyutin, right?”
• Be sure to bump Kris Versteeg up on your draft cheat sheet. His numbers are set to rise because he’ll finally be able to get a good night’s sleep as opposed to staying out until the wee hours of the morning playing the role of Patrick Kane’s wingman.
• If you draft Roberto Luongo, be sure to also use a late-round pick on backup Cory Schneider, and another one on farm team starter Tyler Weiman, and yet another one on farm team backup Eddie Lack. Remember, Keith Ballard is now on the Canucks.
• While it’s alright to draft a couple aging players with the hope that you can squeeze one more good year out of them, it’s never a good strategy to have your whole roster consist of these types. You can avoid getting yourself in this predicament by sticking a post-it on your monitor with the following rule written on it: Do Not Draft Any Red Wings.
• If your league counts penalty minutes, it’s not a bad idea to use a late pick on a goon who will rack up the PIMs. Most of them will still be around in the last round so don’t overpay, otherwise you’ll be known in your league as “Mr. Sather”.
• It’s always nice to gain added flexibility by drafting players who are dual-position eligible. For example, Dustin Byfuglien is a forward who slots in as a defenseman in some games, thus making him eligible at both positions. Another example would be Mike Green, although for some reason the powers that be never update his position in the main computer.
• If you’re playing with a new group of guys who don’t know each other very well and you sense the draft atmosphere is kinda cold, I suggest you draft Evander Kane with your next pick. The jubilation and applause that follows will surely break the ice.
• Contrary to what you’ve been hearing from the media all summer, a great manager does not go into a season with Mike Smith and Dan Ellis as his two goalies.


Dan Ellis wants to the world to know he's a specialist, just like Paris Hilton.

• Speaking of Dan Ellis, should you draft him, try to refrain from calling yourself a “fantasy specialist” right after the selection. Doing so will just force you to explain the whole Ellis Twitter debacle and in turn make you look like one giant geek in front of the whole league. (If you need clarification on what the hell I’m talking about, reference the 2nd paragraph in this link — see, I look like one giant geek now, right?)
• If you’re about to select Tomas Kaberle with the intention of trading him to another manager after the draft ends, you should probably rethink that pick.
• If during your draft you notice some of the other managers are writers for the Toronto Sun, try to make them feel at home by changing the league’s language setting to Czechoslovakian. Howver, be sure to keep an eye on them ’cause they may try to do something unethical like trading amongst each other to form one “super team”.
• Don’t get too emotional with your roster. If you let your emotions run wild, you’ll end up dropping a player who messed your team up, only to pick him up again a few months later with the expectation of a different result . That’s sheer lunacy.
• Don’t draft Alex Tanguay. Especially if you’ve been burned by him before.
• Oh, and don’t ever trade one good player (who may or may not have a celebrity girlfriend) for a package of lesser-skilled players.
• But don’t worry too much about the last three things. They’ll only spell your team’s downfall if you make all three mistakes in the course of one calendar year and surely nobody on this planet would ever be that dumb.
• Lastly, since all fantasy leagues end in the regular season, it’s okay for you to draft Russian-born players.

Hopefully this list will serve you well… good luck, my friends!

For those still reading, I’ll be a guest on Rink Side Rants this coming Thursday at 9pm est.  Yup, this will be my podcasting debut so if you want to hear some lame attempts at humor and just overall awkwardness which will make you cringe, do tune in.

You can also follow me on Twitter, where the push for 1000 followers is gaining steam.

"Hey, you ... yeah, you ... wanna to try some melatonin? Totally organic."

Well, I haven’t made a post in like 12 days and contrary to the rumors out there, I haven’t left to Russia to write about the KHL.

Truth is that I’ve been swamped with other things and my stress-level has been through the roof. It was so bad that I had to pop some melatonin pills just to sleep. Pretty gangsta, right?

Anyways, I have no clue what I’m going to write about but I figure I might as well throw up a post so I’m not forgotten.

Here … we … go…

–Brian Burke wasn’t able to trade Kaberle for what he wanted. <sarcasm>That’s so shocking. I thought people would be lining up and throwing 1st rounders and top prospects at Brian’s door.</sarcasm>

Sure, Kaberle was a solid offensive defenseman for many years but he’s now 32, a UFA after this season and he’s also kind of a flake.

And let’s not forget that while Kabs put up 49 points last season, he only put up 6 in the final 26 games. Sure, Dion’s arrival cut into Kaberle’s ice time but I think there’s more to that. Much like many players of his ilk (read: carefree Europeans), I think Kaberle is a commodity who’s stock is going to be going down fast. A GM would have to be absolutely stupid to give up the bounty that Brian was looking for in exchange.

–I’ve totally reached the point where I just want the regular season to start. I’m starting to lose all interest in the latest off-season news. Granted, though, a trade or two that’s actually significant could change my mind.

"Inside Sources"

–Who are these people that actually believe what’s written by unknown internet writers with “inside sources”. Like seriously, what the f*ck?

This @NHLSourcesSay guy has over 9000 followers (is my jealousy showing? no? phew!) and much to my dismay a tweet of his was actually quoted by a mainstream hockey blog I read. Thank god I was sitting on the toilet when I came across the reference so it all kind of fit together nicely, I guess.

–I posted on Twitter earlier today that I’m going to start an account called @NHLSourcesInMyMindSay. A reader replied with a better name: @NHLVoicesSay. I started to wonder how hard it is to pull stuff out of your butt and post it to the world. Let me try…

@NHLVoicesSay Hearing talk that Willie Mitchell in a daze over whether to sign in LA or Vancouver. Of course, daze could be post-concussion related.

@NHLVoicesSay An NHL GM told me he likes to eat pickles for breakfast.

@NHLVoicesSay Hearing Tomas Kaberle deal could still be in the works between two teams. Toronto is one, still waiting on word about the other team involved.

@NHLVoicesSay Just got word that Kovalchuk’s ready to sign in the KHL if he can’t get the money he wants in the NHL.

@NHLVoicesSay Being told Darryl Sutter feverishly on the phone trying to trade for Todd Bertuzzi.

That’s gold, Jerry! Gold!

–Marc Staal is still unsigned. If I was a GM, I’d seriously consider playing the as*hole and offer him a $5m per contract. Just the possibility of poaching him would be worth facing the wrath of Sather.

Also, depending on what team I’m running, I wouldn’t mind overpaying Staal in exchange for getting him at a cost of a 1st, 2nd and 3rd round pick. Young defenseman like him aren’t a dime a dozen (fyi: they’re more like $48m a dozen).

–Wouldn’t do that with Bobby Ryan though.

–I think that’s all for today. I have lots of catch-up reading to do and maybe I’ll do another post later on this week. I also hear that Vladimir is working on a post so stay tuned!

–Don’t forget to check out the Blades of Funny Twitter feed which broke 900 followers today! Over there, you can see me answer questions on the topic du jour. Like this…

Last night as I was falling asleep, a question popped into my head. In the summer time, is it easier to blog about a specific team or about the league as a whole?

I mean, think about it… blogging about the whole league means that you can only write about significant events; not the drab ones.

If I were, say, a Canucks blogger, I could write about the recent canning of assistant coach Ryan Walter (whoa!). If I were a Maple Leafs blogger, I could write my 18th article of the summer on potential Tomas Kaberle trade destinations (sweet!). And if were an Avs blogger, I could  just keep posting pictures of paint drying every day (awesome!).

But that’s not my fate. My fate is to bore you to death with the significant events. So let me proceed…

He's so smart! *slurp*

–Okay, really, this has to stop. This Steve Yzerman lovefest has to stop. For the love of god, stop it!

I have read so many positive articles about Steve Yzerman that at this point I think writers are just drones under his spell (DTV was right).

It’s downright silly, people!

Let me play devil’s advocate on Yzerman’s roster moves…

Traded Andrej Meszaros

From the information I have gathered about him, Meszaros is a decent two-way defenseman who will do fine as long as he is not counted on to be a #1 defenseman. Thus, in Philly he should excel.

But wait a second. In the next year or two, Hedman will most likely become the franchise defenseman he is destined to be, which would have allowed Meszaros to slide into the background and no longer play #1 minutes — a scenario better suited to Meszaros’ skill set.

So, um, maybe this wasn’t the big coupe we all thought it was.

Drafted Brett Connolly

There are red flags surrounding Connolly which I pointed out in my post-draft article.

Only time will tell if this was the right choice or not, but for now most of us can agree that this wasn’t “the safe pick.”

Re-signed Martin St. Louis

Okay, let me get this straight. Yzerman signs a 35-year-old St. Louis to an extension that will take the player to age 40 at an annual cap hit of $5.625m. And this is something that is considered a “great deal” and a “shrewd signing” by the hockey media? WOW!

Signed Dan Ellis

Hey, he seems like a nice guy. A nice guy who posted a 2.82 GAA and .904 SV% over the last two years on a defensively solid Nashville team. Oh yeah, and in the process lost his starting job to Pekka Rinne. So, umm, two thumbs up?

Signed Pavel Kubina

He signed Pavel Kubina! Amazing! He can teach Hedman how to shoot the puck. Gosh, coupled with Ohlund, half the blueline is there just to tutor Hedman.

Look, it’s not a bad signing but it’s not an “oh my god, yzerman is the smartest man in hockey!” type deal either.

Traded For Simon Gagne

The trade was a steal; no doubt about it. But let’s be honest here, with Simon holding his NTC and Gagne’s agent looking for a deal, this one pretty much fell into Yzerman’s lap.

Signed Dominic Moore

Nothing is a bigger example of the fellatio given to Yzerman by hockey writers than the signing of Dominic Moore.

Frank over at The Rat Trick pointed out that when Moore signed with the Panthers last season, nobody gave two you-know-whats.

What’s changed? This is the same Dominic Moore that’s been traded two years in a row for 2nd round picks; not exactly Selke material, right?

In conclusion, Tampa won’t make the playoffs and hockey writers everywhere will turn on Yzerman when he refuses their advances. Book it!

Mr. Lonely with no defense.

–Next up: Marty Turco.

Look, I get it. You drafted him in your fantasy leagues the past two seasons and he totally let you down. It’s frustrating, I know, but you have to let it go. He’s better than you give him credit for.

Matt Reitz wrote a piece on Turco, which totally echos my feelings on the matter…

Considering the fact that he was behind one of the worst defenses in the league, his numbers look even more impressive. To say that Turco had NO help last year might be overstating the Dallas blueline. Aside from Stephane Robidas, not one of the Stars defensemen would play more than 13 minutes per game for the Blackhawks. Instead of depending on Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook to slow down the oppositions’ best, he would count on Robidas, Nik Grossman, and the like. It’s like comparing apples to foie gras.

But with Turco, it’s a two-way street. Not only will his defense help limit the shots on goal and scoring chances, but Turco and his stick-handling will help keep those valuable defensemen out of harms way. He’s like having a 3rd defenseman to help make sure the other defensemen don’t get killed. Just ask Brent Seabrook, Kim Johansson, and Brian Campbell how it feels to get destroyed and ask if they would like someone help with outlet passes.

When talking about Turco, I never read much about how the Stars defense is made up of Robidas and a bunch of misfits. That’s sort of a big deal when discussing a goalie’s performance, right?

So… dare I say he’s an upgrade over Niemi? I do dare. And at $1.3m, he’s a steal, too! Plus he’ll make the Hawks even more entertaining to watch due to his magical puck-handling.

–Speaking of goaltenders, let me vent…

The trendy thing these days is to talk about how you don’t need a good goalie to win. In this conversation, people always point to Detroit, Chicago and Philadelphia.

That logic is MADDENING.

Those teams not only possess some of the best defensemen but they also possess the best defensive forwards in the game.

It’s all kosher when you’re putting a Mike Richards, a Datsyuk or a Toews up front and possess a back end that includes a Keith, a Pronger or a Lidstrom. But how many teams have such players? Exactly.

Give me Luongo, Lundqvist or Brodeur any day of the week. I’ll only settle for Niemi if I’m one of the handful of teams that already has a Keith, a Seabrook and a Toews type on my roster.

–I make fun of  the signing quite a bit because it’s fun to pile on Darryl Sutter, but if I were to pick one guy for “comeback player of the year” next season, it’d be Jay Bouwmeester.

He’s a pretty good defenseman, even if he was never as good as the hype that surrounded him upon becoming a free agent (happens every year). Smooth skating, 26-minutes-per-game workhorse who will put up more points this year than last. Bank on it.

When Erik Johnson found out how much Gomez makes, he got really pissed.

–Let’s talk about Erik Johnson signing for 2 years at $2.6m per…

That seems kind of  low to me. Granted, he’s still raw, but he does possess all the skills to be an upper-echelon blueliner. If he makes a big leap this year, he’ll be a huge bargain.

I guess you can make a case that it’s fair value, though, if you compare it to Jack Johnson’s 2-year contract at $1.425m per. However, in my opinion, Jack was a much bigger question mark heading into last season than Erik is right now.

Also, if you look at someone like Alex Edler in Vancouver who signed a 4 year/$3.25m-per deal in ’08, it makes the Erik’s deal seem like a complete steal. Edler is still raw and has nowhere near the upside of Erik.

So yeah, I guess I’ll stick with my original thought that Erik needs to get a new agent.

–Matt Greene is set to miss the start of the season after undergoing shoulder surgery. This led to people to begin speculating about a Kaberle to LA trade.. Granted, the Kings kinda sorta  could use a defenseman right about now but Greene is as defensive of  a defenseman as one can be. On the flip side, Kaberle is as non-defensive of a defenseman as one can be. So, umm, not really sure how people equate Greene going down to Lombardi saying, “must get Kaberle now!” *shrug*

–A couple nights ago, I listened to a Montreal station and they were talking about Carey Price and Jaroslav Halak. The host said something that I never really hear much from the mainstream media but totally agree with.

What did he say, you ask?

He said…

I think Halak is overrated.

Preach on, brother!

–Have you seen this picture of a  billboard in LeBron James’ hometown yet?

Funny stuff. Toronto needs to put one up for Chris Bosh but they won’t because, umm, he’s Chris Bosh. Ha.

–Last but not least, you need to follow me on Twitter because that’s where all the cool kids hang out and you don’t want to be a Twitterless loser right? Peer pressure!