July 13th, 2010

To: Dan Gilbert
Cleveland Cavaliers
Cleveland, OH

Dearest Dan Gilbert,

I am writing this letter to offer you my fullest support in light of what has transpired the past week. If you are unfamiliar with me, I am commissioner of the National Hockey League. You may have heard about our organization before.

After reading your heartfelt letter addressing the fans of the Cleveland Cavaliers, I can tell that you are a man of principle; a man who values loyalty and doing what’s right above all else.

You and I share these things in common, Mr. Gilbert.

I for one have been fighting the fight of my life to save the Phoenix Coyotes from pulling a LeBron of their own. Evil men have been trying to lure the team away from its roots in Arizona. Some have even wanted to replant the franchise in Winnipeg.  I’m sure you’d agree that such a move would be an egregious act to lay on the loyal hockey fans in Phoenix.

I’m certain that as a fellow human being who values doing what’s right over money and common sense, you will jump at the opportunity to correct this injustice.

With this in mind, I am offering you an opportunity to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes. You, my good sir, can continue your crusade for justice in sports by taking the role of white knight in the Phoenix hockey community.

Here are a few selling points on why hockey is the sport for you:

• Self-promotion is a vice that we have never suffered from. To demonstrate this, we are fully prepared to bar our players from further participation in the Olympic Winter Games.
  
• You’ll never have to worry about any of our athletes appearing on ESPN. If they do choose to appear on a network, it’ll be Versus, and if they appear on Versus, do they REALLY appear? I think you and I both know the answer to that one.
• As you’ll find out when you become an NHL owner, the use of wacky fonts in correspondence is very commonplace. BRIAN BURKE LOVES USING THE “IMPACT” FONT. Glen Sather always uses “Broadway BT”. And then there’s Darryl Sutter who just communicates by drawing stuff…



• Do you hate it when one of your restricted free agents gets an offer sheet? You don’t have to worry about that in our game. Which reminds me, I need to make a phone call to Doug Wilson after I finish up here.
  
• Jesse Jackson has never once voiced his displeasure with the NHL. Not because we have very few African-American athletes, but rather because our league just doesn’t provide enough of a public platform for him to bother us.
• The only vocal person you should be concerned with in our game is Don Cherry. If you do get on his bad side, however, just make a joke about French-Canadians or Europeans and you’ll be fine.

You have given so much and deserve much more than the sport of basketball has given you, Mr. Gilbert. If you buy the Phoenix Coyotes and join our hockey family…

I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE PHOENIX COYOTES WILL WIN THE STANLEY CUP

You can take it to the bank. Just ask the hockey fans in Vancouver or Detroit, I have the power to make things happen.

So how about it, Mr. Gilbert? Can I call you Danny, btw?

Let’s put an end to narcissism and shameful actions in the sports world togehter.

Signed,
Gary B. Bettman
Commissioner, National Hockey League

P.S.  In your letter you wrote:

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

This is news to me. Can you please clarify. Call me:  1-800-GARY-BETTS.

Since the season ended, Blades of Funny has had insiders who were inside (thus the name) meetings involving each team’s management. Here are some choice quotes we overheard general managers saying…

Anaheim Ducks: “Hey, if we can’t sign Bobby Ryan, let’s just stick a #9 jersey on Matt Beleskey and tell people that Bobby had to change his name again.” – Bob Murray

Yes, Rick "Natural Man" Dudley does have a record.

Atlanta Thrashers: “You see those pictures behind me. The subjects in those photos are Stan Bowman and his secretary, Jessica. These photos, gentlemen, hold the key to our off-season.” – Rick Dudley

Boston Bruins: “Let me call Burkie and work some of my magic on him to see what he’ll give us in return for a hockey player who can’t count to 10 without focusing to the extreme.” – Peter Chiarelli

Buffalo Sabres: “It’s that time of the year, again. Let’s do what we always do, which is… nothing.” – Darcy Regier

Calgary Flames: “Hey, did you guys see how Lamoriello brought Arnott back to Jersey? I like that. In fact, I like that so much that I’m going to one-up him.” – Darryl Sutter

Carolina Hurricanes: “Rod Brind’Amour retired. Meeting adjourned. Enjoy your summer, guys.” – Jim Rutherford

Chicago Blackhawks: “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Motherf*ck!” – Stan Bowman

Colorado Avalanche: “Okay guys, last year we drafted Duchene and O’Reilly. They turned out well. In fact, they turned out so well that we’ll have to spend big bucks to retain them, so let’s tone things down this year. Let’s see … probable 2nd rounders … 3rd rounders … I got it! Joey Hishon! He’s our guy!” – Greg Sherman

Columbus Blue Jackets: “I forgot how good the food is at the draft. The last few years Hitch always ate everything before we even got there.  However, instead of eating, we probably should have paid closer attention to the prospects. Turns out Ryan Johansen isn’t a defenseman.” – Scott Howson

Dallas Stars: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that the season is over and he can go home. He’s been hanging outside my office since spring. Awwwwkwwwward!” – Joe Nieuwendyk

Detroit Red Wings: “Will somebody please go outside and tell Modano that we’re not interested. He’s been hanging outside my office since Nieuwendyk kicked him out of Dallas.” – Ken Holland

Edmonton Oilers: “You guys are doing a fantastic job. Our youth movement is drawing comparisons to the Oilers of the 80′s. Now all we need is a Gretzky, a Messier, a Coffey and a Fuhr.” – Steve Tambellini

Florida Panthers: “As you can see by what’s happening in Chicago, I build my teams to self-destruct after I leave. Let this be a warning to those of you that want to play petty office politics with me.” – Dale Tallon

Los Angeles Kings: “F*cking Russians. From Frolov to Kovalchuk, they can all go to hell.” – Dean Lombardi

Modano: "I'll even play baseball. Just sign me!"

Minnesota Wild: “Hey, is that Mike Modano outside my office?” – Chuck Fletcher

Montreal Canadiens: “The future of the Montreal Canadiens now rests on Carey Price’s shoulders. … Hey, guys? … Hey? … What are you all doing? … Are those resumes you’re all faxing? ” – Pierre Gauthier

Nashville Predators: “Gentlemen, I bring great news! Hockey is FINALLY catching on in Nashville! I just came back from the coffee shop where I overheard two women having a conversation that involved the word ‘hockey’. Something about Carrie Underwood is marrying a HOCKEY player. This is a breakthrough! A BREAKTHROUGH!” – David Poile

New Jersey Devils: “Grrr.” – Lou Lamoriello

New York Islanders: “You guys won’t believe the story I planted in the media today. Check out this Darren Dreger tweet. ROFLMAO!” – Garth Snow

New York Rangers: “I don’t care how much it costs, get me a f*ckin’ enforcer with a cool nickname. That’s what I want this summer! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa!” – Glen Sather

Ottawa Senators: “Sh*t! It says here that contract offers do NOT have to be sent out at exactly noon on July 1st. We DID have time to proofread.” – Bryan Murray

Philadelphia Flyers: “Okay, I acquired Nabokov for a few days. All those ‘Holmgren needs to get a real goalie’  people can now shut the f*ck up.” – Paul Holmgren

Phoenix Coyotes: “Just got off the phone with Gary. He told me that any signing over $1,000,000 is coming out of our personal pockets.” – Don Maloney

Pittsburgh Penguins: “Crosby looked pissed after our season ended. We better do something or he’ll have us killed.” – Ray Shero

San Jose Sharks: “First things first: which one of you bastards googled ‘doug wilson’s hot daughter‘ on the office computer?” – Doug Wilson

St. Louis Blues: “OH CRAP! Have any of you looked at Halak’s stats? He’s only had one good year… and he only played like 40 games… like, what the hell, man? I thought he was like Dryden and Roy combined.” – Doug Armstrong

Tampa Bay Lightning: “So it’s finalized: 15 minutes prior to each press conference, I will stand at the podium and the media will be let in and proceed to tell me how much they want to suck my di*k. After which, I will sign autographs for each of them. Gosh, maybe if I was named LeBron, I’d enjoy all this ego stroking.” – Steve Yzerman

Toronto Maple Leafs: “You guys handle the off-season stuff for me this year. I have a parade outfit to pick out.” – Brian Burke

Vancouver Canucks: “Soooo… this is a little awkward… when Naslund was my client, I sort of, um, lost a bet to him…  and so if I ever became a GM, I would have to, um, retire his…” – Mike Gillis

Washington Capitals: “We have a good team, right? No, we have a GREAT team, right? We don’t need to do anything, right?  … Varlamov and Neuvirth will do just fine, right? … Alex? … Alex? … Alex, you still there, Alex?” – George McPhee

As always, follow BoF on Twitter for more fun.

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

I haven’t done one of these in weeks and I’m making some huge changes with this series. Taking it in a whole different direction. Okay, really, just one change:  I dropped the “Friday” part from the title of the series because it didn’t make any sense when posted on another day. Branding be damned! If I had any long-time readers, it would be difficult for them to adjust to the new format. Thank goodness I don’t.

No hate mail, please. Thanks.

National Post – Bruce Arthur wrote a great piece on Brian Burke marching in a Pride Parade and, thereby, keeping a promise he made to his late son.

For all of the laughs and chuckles I have at Brian’s expense, I’ve always been impressed by the principles he lives by; even if many are crazy egotistical.

The world could use more men like him. I’m sure Bruins fans agree.

Oh man, make it stop! That’s what Brian said!

Okay, I’m going to hell. Just like Brian will according to the Christians!

I can’t stop, guys. Brian just can’t stop lovin’ them.

ENOUGH!

Hockey Independent -  Justin M. makes a pro-Kovalchuk case with regards to the Isles. I don’t agree with some of what’s said, but it’s a well-written and thought-out piece which gives the other side of my stance on this issue.

One thing I strongly disagree with is made in point #4:

With future extensions for Okposo, Tavares, Bailey, and the other prospects coming up, we obviously want to be very careful, however, we have enough room to sign them all to $7 million a year contracts and still have some cap space, that’s how well Snow has done financially. Furthermore, Yashin’s contract buyout dips down from a $4 million cap hit to only $2 million cap hit after this year, freeing up another $2 million. Also, we must remember that the salary cap increases anywhere from $1-2 million per year, freeing up even more space for the Islanders. If people are complaining that we are going to become Chicago Blackhawks 2.0, I think they better look again. The Islanders have kept players at such reasonable values that bringing in a player like Kovalchuk will not affect us financially, whatsoever! Bring on any “cap-ologist” and he will tell you the exact same thing

The Islanders “kept players at such reasonable values” because Snow’s roster is filled with entry-level guys and misfits that fill out the depth chart + Mark Streit and goaltending. It’s easy to stay economical when that’s the case. Most fans think short-term and are quick to cast aside cap issues for another day, but that free space can fill up quick when your players come off entry-level contracts and you start bringing in guys to upgrade your depth. Also, if the NHL’s cap number increases, so will future contracts.

I’m not against signing him at $10m, but it has to be for 5-6 years max. We’ve seen it time and time again with players that hit their mid 30′s and can no longer produce like they once could. How is it going to feel in 2016 when a 33-year-old Kovy is barely able to get 30 goals/60 points and still has 4 years left at that ticket? That’s not an unrealistic scenario.

Intent To Blow -  ITB has been coming out with some hilarious stuff, like this piece that ties Ilya to the Russian spies arrested by the FBI. When you visualize what’s written, it’s laugh-out-loud stuff. Clink.

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis takes Mike Brophy to task. I’m not saying that if my 93-year-old grandma wrote a hockey column, she’d bring more to the table than Brophy, but yeah, she would. And she has never seen a game.

"How could my brother do this to me?"

Flames Insider – Looks like Daymond Langkow’s season (and possibly his career) might be in trouble due to his crappy play his neck injury. This could turn out to be a break  for Sutter in not only the salary cap department (clearing room to sign Ian White without needing to make any more moves) but also the Jokinen PR department (since Olli was arguably the 2nd best UFA center available behind Lombardi). So the Jokinen signing gets upgraded from “OH MY GOD!!! WHY THE F*UCK DID HE DO THAT?!” to a “OH MY GOD!!! Why the f*ck did he do that?”

Flames Nation – I always enjoy reading Kent Wilson’s opinions on the Flames and in this one, he shares his views on their recent signings. If you’re wondering what he thinks of Olli’s puck-handling, wonder no more…

He handles the puck like a man stickhandles a brick with a fishing rod.

Puck Update -  Steven Ovadia takes a stab at figuring out what Sutter was thinking on July 1st. I know we’re getting a little too much Flames stuff in the links today but how could I not link to an article that includes the following line:

I think at this point in his career with the Flames, Iginla is just happy when the correct number of players show up for a game.

Don’t Trade Vinny – How Yzerman was able to unload Meszaros’ contract. Very funny.

Speaking of which, if you read my post on Saturday, I asked for some feedback on Meszaros because he was being portrayed by the media as the exact opposite of how I’ve always thought of him. DTV and Kevin from Stay Classy shared their thoughts in the comment section of that post. I love being right.

Down Goes Brown – DGB takes a look at some notable signings from recent years. A snippet:

Jason Blake, Toronto, 2007 – The Leafs agree to terms with Blake early in the day, although the actual contract signing is delayed several hours due to technical problems after it’s discovered that John Ferguson Jr. had earlier tried to fax himself a grilled cheese sandwich.

Sports Pickle – The 8 “athletes” you’ll see at the beach this summer. Not a hockey link but hilarious and fitting:

2. The Long-Distance Swimmer

In the water there is a generally agreed upon distance from the shore — about 50 yards or so — that no one goes beyond. And if you do, the lifeguard whistles you back closer to shore. But the Long-Distance Swimmer guy can’t hear the whistle because his head is in the water and he’s flailing away, apparently training to be the first man to swim across the Atlantic. Nor does he care, because he is Long-Distance Swimmer guy. No teenage lifeguard is going to stand in his way of immortality. No, the teenage lifeguard will only delay his mortality when he swims out to save Long-Distance Swimmer guy, who started to get tired and is now panicking and flailing around upon seeing he’s way way WAY too far out from shore.

Well, that’s that! Don’t forget to follow along on Twitter. To further market my Twitter stream, I plan to share with my followers candid bikini photos of my wife at the beach (just kidding, hun … *snap* *click* … oh yeah!).

Quick post to wrap up my thoughts on day 1 of free agency.

My three favorite signings:

1. Zbynek Michalek – I’ve been really high on Michalek and at a $4 million cap hit, the Penguins got themselves a gem of a shutdown guy. I prefer Michalek at $4m over Martin at $5m.
2. Dan Hamhuis – Like any free agent, he’s been talked-up a bit more than he probably deserves but while the term may be a bit high, a $4.5m cap hit is more than fair for a guy who will slot in on the top pairing in Vancouver.
3. Colby Armstrong – I like this signing by Burke and I’m quite surprised that many people don’t. Colby is a great character guy in the room, he goes hard and is responsible defensively. I just think he’s a very good fit for the Leafs and for what Burke is trying to do there (even if he’s paid $500,000 more than you’d optimally like).

My three least favorite signings:

1. Sergei Gonchar – Giving the 36-year-old a 3 year contract at $5.5m per is asking for trouble. If he was 34 then I could see this but at this point in his career, it can backfire fast. Injuries, defensive concerns, and tapered play due to age are all very realistic risks. I think the Senators would have been much better off if they targeted Michalek instead.
2. Derek Boogaard – Unless he was hired to assassinate Crosby, Ovechkin and every other star in the East, it still boggles my mind as to why Sather would give him $1.625m over FOUR YEARS!!! Crazy.
3. Dan Ellis – People seem to like the 30-year-old Ellis, which I assume is due to the 37 games he started in 07/08 (and went 23-10 with 2.34 GAA and a .924 SV%). Since then he’s been below-average at best. I just don’t see him as being anything more than a backup who should max out at 20 games a year.

Some more quick thoughts before I head off to bed:

1. The Jokinen thing makes for great laughs but at $3 million, hockey-wise, it’s not a bad contract. If you take out all the drama around it, we may look back and say, “hey, that turned out alright.”
2. It seems like the hype around Volchenkov getting $5m+ was more smoke and mirrors. At $4.25m, it’s fair value without much, if any, UFA inflation.
3. No contract given today really shocked me besides the Boogaard and Gonchar’s term. If Gonchar received $5.5m on a 1-year deal, I’d have no problem with it. The rest were all inline with my thinking, give or take $500,000.
4. Actually, that’s not true. I did think that Chris Mason would have gotten more than he did. That’s why I think Yzerman should have chosen him over Ellis. Then again, maybe Mason didn’t want to go to Tampa.
5. While the top UFAs didn’t get shocking money, they did get their fair share of term. Martin, Hamhuis, Volchenkov and Michalek all got 5 or 6 years each. That’s a long commitment, especially to Martin and Volchenkov.
6. I kept hearing that the Kings were interested in Martin. I’m not sure that would have been a good fit especially if they also plan on getting Kovalchuk. They need to have some flexibility going forward to avoid a Blackhawks problem and committing $5m to Martin wouldn’t have given them that.
7. Speaking of which, are the Blackhawks still the Blackhawks? They’ve sure taken one hit after another the past 10 days.

That’s all from me. It was a pretty fun day. Don’t forget to follow along on Twitter if you’re not already doing so. Don’t forget!

This will be a quick post where I ramble about a few things:

The newest Canuck.

–I’ve had an amusing morning today based on my decision to tune into a Vancouver radio to gauge the reaction to the Ballard trade.

My first “lol” moment came when, to open the show, one of the hosts described the Canucks are “shaking up the draft” with the trade. Yes, you read right: they shook up the draft! … with a Keith Ballard trade. I didn’t know that was even humanly possible.

But the laughs continued…

The other host chose to break down the trade by splitting it into parts:

“Bernier’s contract was a liability to the team.” (mostly true because you can’t pay a 4th liner $2 mil.)

“It was either Grabner or Raymond for Ballard, and Raymond proved himself this season.” (sure, I can buy into that.)

“Oreskovich for a 1st rounder is a ‘we’ll see’ based on what happens.” (Whaaaaaaaat?)

Granted, it’s always a “we’ll see” when it comes to trades (especially ones that involve prospects), but please tell me how, if you break a trade down like this, is Ostrich worth a first round pick?

I fired off an email to one of my buddies who is a Canucks fan and told him about this comedy.

His reply:

The Ostrich guy has an interesting story as he quit hockey for 2 years as his head wasn’t in it.    Then he got his drive back and made the Panthers right away.   So maybe not such a long shot as his current stats suggest.

My counter:

Ostrich may be an interesting story (but those are a dime a dozen with prospects), thus would trading a 1st rounder straight up for him be justified like the guy was saying in his break down? No.

“he quit hockey for 2 years as his head wasn’t in it”

Lovely! Just the type of player who’ll be there when the going gets tough!!

lol, get outta here!

His counter:

I like a guy who was spoiled, realized what he had, and went back to get it.   He won’t leave again.    And I like that he made the team so soon.  Means the kid has skill.

I am giving Gillis a solid A- on this deal.

My reply:

go suck his d**k!

–Okay I found the above amusing. You, on the other hand, probably want the last minute of your life back. I’m sorry, the Ballard trade shook me up!

–No more Keith Ballard! Please, for the love of God, somebody good get traded!

2 Savards or 1.15 Drurys?

–… like Marc Savard! If Toronto gets him for a bargain price, the Kessel trade can no longer be mocked, for Savard needing to be moved is pretty much connected to the Kessel trade.

Marc Savard’s cap hit is $4 million. $4 MILLION! You know who made around $4 million last year? Jason Blake, Pavol Demitra, Daymond Langkow and David freakin’ Legwand. There should be absolutely no hesitation when it comes to taking on his contract.

Concussions? Sure, it’s an issue, but if you’re giving up Grabovski or Kulemin then what’s really the risk? I mean, YOU’RE GETTING A POINT A GAME GUY!!! And your team really needs all the skill up front that it can get. And most of all, every pre-Burke Leaf should have been taken out back and beaten in the first place.

I’m telling you, if the Leafs pull off this trade, they will make the playoffs next year*.

* – Unless, of course, Savard misses 50 games due to a concussions, Phaneuf plays like he did in Calgary, Schenn decides he wants to give the AHL a shot, Gustavsson misplaces his defibrillator, Giguere is Giguere and Kessel starts shooting the puck from center ice. All of which are not that big of a stretch.

–One more thing before I go and you can get on with your day.

You know what amuses me? People that come up with different ideas that would make soccer more suited for the North American market.

Like, really? That’s like saying the NFL should change some rules so it plays better to the inhabitants of Saudi Arabia. On a worldwide basis, soccer is doing fine. It’s a niche sport in North America but the game does not need this market.

Sooooo, there really is no need to go to 9 on 9 play, eliminate offsides and all that jazz. But keep sending in your ideas!