Note: Not Really A Button

Yesterday, while we were driving back from a day at the zoo, my kids (5 and 4) came up with the groundwork for a holiday called “Fart Day”. The holiday would be held every September 2nd and one of the customs of Fart Day is when you see someone, you say “Happy Fart Day!”; to which the other person replies by sticking his butt out and making fart sounds.

Also, the day after “Fart Day” shall be known as “Stinky Day”.

I was quite proud of their creativity and I can certainly see them writing on here in the future.

Now let’s get on to some hockey talk (kinda)…

–If Roberto Luongo’s mind is as fragile as I believe it to be, how is he coping with the possibility of his mega-contract getting tossed out? I don’t care how much money you have or what reassuring words you’ve been told by management, when both the security and the $60 million you thought you had are being messed with, it can’t be all that pleasant.

Personally, I’d be a nervous wreck. Heck, even if the money was in my account, I’d still be a nervous wreck fearing someone would steal it. I don’t need or want that kind of stress (lie). I have enough sleepless nights worrying about small things like the monthly bills (not a lie). I can’t even imagine how I’d get any sleep knowing that some crooked bank teller could, at any moment, siphon millions of my dollars to some Eastern Bloc country. Yeah, I’d go straight-up Howard Hughes crazy.

Sign changed to: "Niemi Has No Balls"

–Sharks fans must be happy now that Antti Niemi is on board. I don’t really know how the move benefits Niemi though.

I assume the arbitration hearing (or as I like to call it: “reasons why you suck hearing”) and the subsequent dumping created hard feelings, which caused him to overlook any deficiencies in his new partner just so he could show-up his old partner.

Sort of like when you’re in your early 20′s and your ex-girlfriend dumps you after telling you how awful you are. Naturally, you go find the hottest girl you can just to show ‘em. In that situation, you tend to overlook certain things in your new partner… things like the rumors going around town that she’s a stripper, has a few addictions and is straight-up crazy. You don’t care about these things ’cause she’s a Presidents’ Trophy contender hot.

But eventually, like say when you’re at some strip club three towns over on a Tuesday night conversing with a 50-year-old man who’s missing a few teeth and wants to know what it’s like to hit that (“that” being your new mate who is dancing on stage), you start to rethink your life choices and eventually you get your mind straight.

Anyways, I don’t know if the Niemi thing is like that or not but it’ll be interesting to see how his career plays out from here.

–I want to do a season preview but I don’t think I have it in me to do team-by-team previews (30 posts). I’m thinking I’ll do a reverse ranking preview with 5 teams per post (so first post would be ranking teams 30 to 25). That will not only ease my workload but also allow me to make some ridiculous predictions and piss off a few people.

So yeah, get ready for team #30, the Tampa Bay Lightning, as I continue to hate on Steve Yzerman for no reason at all.

That’s a joke. They’ll actually be #29.

–If you’re excited for this, keep in mind that I’ll probably get lazy and stop after I get to team #23. So really, this “season preview feature” will just consist of 1.5 posts. HA! In your face, enthusiastic readers!

–If you’re a blogger and want to get accreditation, here’s a pretty good read by The Goalie Guild on the subject.

The chances of BoF getting accredited are about the same as that stripper in the story above becoming “marriage material”, but I did take away one point which I can use on BoF…

What is your own mission statement? Do you make it very clear that you are committed to covering your team in a professional and informative way? Or do you just randomly post sarcastic, sometimes derisive posts about the players and the way the team performs on the ice?

This got me thinking: what is the BoF mission statement?  After a few minutes, I came up with this gem:

ALWAYS. ACT. LIKE. A. JACKASS. (but do it in a good-natured way rather than an internet warrior way).

There you have it!

Close seconds…

Grammar: overrated like Jaroslav Halak; Facts: pffft, up yours!

and

It is my duty and that of this blog to show the world that I know more about hockey than Steve Yzerman and I shall not stop until the world acknowledges the fact that Yzerman is a fraud who has put a spell on the entire hockey media. Nothing you see on TV or read about, outside of this blog, which relates to the Lightning can be trusted. Ever. (Especially should stories or images come out next June that Tampa Bay has won the Stanley Cup.)

–As you’ve pretty much gathered from this post, there isn’t much in the way of hockey that I want to talk about. The Ilya Kovalchuk story is about as fun to write about at this point as I imagine the Coyotes story was last summer. So nah, not happening here.

–Speaking of the Coyotes, I must say that I wasn’t surprised that Ice Edge couldn’t close. When they set up their Twitter account and were joking around on it and acting like I would if I were put in such a situation, that pretty much told me they couldn’t be taken seriously.

–BizNasty is back on Twitter! Thanks to Justin Bourne for the heads up on that.

–A couple things regarding the site…

• I am going to formally adapt the moniker “Blades” from now on. This nickname was given to me by Kevin, so according to Man Rule #127 (which states that a man’s nickname can only be given to him by another man), it’s all kosher and on the up-and-up.
• I am going to play around with the site a bit and try to put in some more ads. This is on the request of my wife that I bring in more of that Google cash which she can then turn into cosmetics. *shrug*

–That’s all for today. I would apologize for the lack of actual hockey content in this post but I think you should be thanking me for not talking about the CBA and Ilya. So you’re welcome!

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter. I haven’t tweeted much the last week, yet I still gained followers. That’s in contrast to when I do post frequently and end up losing followers. Weird, huh?

BoF Exclusive: Willie takes to the ice on Aug. 24th to prove he can still skate.

Maybe I’ve been inspired by Down Goes Brown’s ability to churn out high quality posts in a high pressure journalistic situation IN FREAKIN’ AUGUST! Or maybe, I just stopped smoking pot this week (kidding…why would I stop?). Whatever the case may be, here’s another post to keep my name in lights!

This is a new feature! Its tentative title is “Added Quotes” and consists of me taking actual quotes and then adding an extra sentence or two.

Let’s try a sample run. Quotes are by Willie Mitchell, taken from this Province article.

Actual Quote: “Who’s kidding who? Everyone knows I love playing in Vancouver”
Added: “But everyone knows Los Angeles has better weather, hotter women and a coach that I don’t despise with all my heart.”

Actual Quote: “The economics of the game got in the way of a lot of things”
Added: “That’s why I had to try my best to trick a team into believing the whole concussion thing is no longer a problem.”

Actual Quote: “Did the Vancouver Canucks or Willie Mitchell foresee me getting hit on Jan. 16 and this happening? No, we all didn’t.”
Added:: “It’s always hard to foresee getting cheap-shotted. In hindsight, though, you always have to be prepared for a cheap shot when there’s a Russian on the ice”

Actual Quote: [On wondering if he'd ever be back] “I’d be lying to anyone if I said I didn’t feel that for a little bit.”
Added: “Especially when that bastard Gillis wouldn’t return my phone calls until I could leave a coherent voice mail message.”

Actual Quote: “But then you start gradually getting better and you see that carrot and that light at the end of the tunnel.”
Added: “Then that carrot turns into $7 million and you’re like, ‘OK, things are back.’”

Actual Quote: “You talk to anyone who has been through that experience like me and, of course, you have that thought run through your mind for a little bit.”
Added: “Especially when you can’t understand what the other guy is mumbling over the phone.”

Actual Quote: “But negative energy can kill you.”
Added: “You know what else can kill you? That bastard f*ck Malkin.”

Actual Quote: “I think I’ve gotten better as a player, especially in years three and four in Vancouver. I started evolving my game.”
Added: “Once, I actually crossed into the offensive zone in a game. It was surreal.”

Actual Quote: “I started to become a better offensive player.”
Added: “Sorry, disregard the last sentence, that’s just my post-concussion thing acting up again.”

Actual Quote: “I’m looking forward to going to a team which, I get the feeling, is really passionate about having me there.”
Added: “As opposed to the Canucks, who didn’t really give a rats ass about me until Salo got hurt.”

Actual Quote: “They are a good young team maybe following in the footsteps of Chicago.”
Added: “I look forward to us tormenting the Vancouver organization like the Blackhawks did the last two years.”

There you have it!

Reminders:

This Thursday at 9pm EST – hear me talk nonsense as a guest on Rink Side Rants.

@bladesoffunny – if you prefer to read nonsense, follow me on Twitter.

RSS Feed – if you’re an advanced geek who uses an RSS reader, you can add the BoF feed.

Last night as I was falling asleep, a question popped into my head. In the summer time, is it easier to blog about a specific team or about the league as a whole?

I mean, think about it… blogging about the whole league means that you can only write about significant events; not the drab ones.

If I were, say, a Canucks blogger, I could write about the recent canning of assistant coach Ryan Walter (whoa!). If I were a Maple Leafs blogger, I could write my 18th article of the summer on potential Tomas Kaberle trade destinations (sweet!). And if were an Avs blogger, I could  just keep posting pictures of paint drying every day (awesome!).

But that’s not my fate. My fate is to bore you to death with the significant events. So let me proceed…

He's so smart! *slurp*

–Okay, really, this has to stop. This Steve Yzerman lovefest has to stop. For the love of god, stop it!

I have read so many positive articles about Steve Yzerman that at this point I think writers are just drones under his spell (DTV was right).

It’s downright silly, people!

Let me play devil’s advocate on Yzerman’s roster moves…

Traded Andrej Meszaros

From the information I have gathered about him, Meszaros is a decent two-way defenseman who will do fine as long as he is not counted on to be a #1 defenseman. Thus, in Philly he should excel.

But wait a second. In the next year or two, Hedman will most likely become the franchise defenseman he is destined to be, which would have allowed Meszaros to slide into the background and no longer play #1 minutes — a scenario better suited to Meszaros’ skill set.

So, um, maybe this wasn’t the big coupe we all thought it was.

Drafted Brett Connolly

There are red flags surrounding Connolly which I pointed out in my post-draft article.

Only time will tell if this was the right choice or not, but for now most of us can agree that this wasn’t “the safe pick.”

Re-signed Martin St. Louis

Okay, let me get this straight. Yzerman signs a 35-year-old St. Louis to an extension that will take the player to age 40 at an annual cap hit of $5.625m. And this is something that is considered a “great deal” and a “shrewd signing” by the hockey media? WOW!

Signed Dan Ellis

Hey, he seems like a nice guy. A nice guy who posted a 2.82 GAA and .904 SV% over the last two years on a defensively solid Nashville team. Oh yeah, and in the process lost his starting job to Pekka Rinne. So, umm, two thumbs up?

Signed Pavel Kubina

He signed Pavel Kubina! Amazing! He can teach Hedman how to shoot the puck. Gosh, coupled with Ohlund, half the blueline is there just to tutor Hedman.

Look, it’s not a bad signing but it’s not an “oh my god, yzerman is the smartest man in hockey!” type deal either.

Traded For Simon Gagne

The trade was a steal; no doubt about it. But let’s be honest here, with Simon holding his NTC and Gagne’s agent looking for a deal, this one pretty much fell into Yzerman’s lap.

Signed Dominic Moore

Nothing is a bigger example of the fellatio given to Yzerman by hockey writers than the signing of Dominic Moore.

Frank over at The Rat Trick pointed out that when Moore signed with the Panthers last season, nobody gave two you-know-whats.

What’s changed? This is the same Dominic Moore that’s been traded two years in a row for 2nd round picks; not exactly Selke material, right?

In conclusion, Tampa won’t make the playoffs and hockey writers everywhere will turn on Yzerman when he refuses their advances. Book it!

Mr. Lonely with no defense.

–Next up: Marty Turco.

Look, I get it. You drafted him in your fantasy leagues the past two seasons and he totally let you down. It’s frustrating, I know, but you have to let it go. He’s better than you give him credit for.

Matt Reitz wrote a piece on Turco, which totally echos my feelings on the matter…

Considering the fact that he was behind one of the worst defenses in the league, his numbers look even more impressive. To say that Turco had NO help last year might be overstating the Dallas blueline. Aside from Stephane Robidas, not one of the Stars defensemen would play more than 13 minutes per game for the Blackhawks. Instead of depending on Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook to slow down the oppositions’ best, he would count on Robidas, Nik Grossman, and the like. It’s like comparing apples to foie gras.

But with Turco, it’s a two-way street. Not only will his defense help limit the shots on goal and scoring chances, but Turco and his stick-handling will help keep those valuable defensemen out of harms way. He’s like having a 3rd defenseman to help make sure the other defensemen don’t get killed. Just ask Brent Seabrook, Kim Johansson, and Brian Campbell how it feels to get destroyed and ask if they would like someone help with outlet passes.

When talking about Turco, I never read much about how the Stars defense is made up of Robidas and a bunch of misfits. That’s sort of a big deal when discussing a goalie’s performance, right?

So… dare I say he’s an upgrade over Niemi? I do dare. And at $1.3m, he’s a steal, too! Plus he’ll make the Hawks even more entertaining to watch due to his magical puck-handling.

–Speaking of goaltenders, let me vent…

The trendy thing these days is to talk about how you don’t need a good goalie to win. In this conversation, people always point to Detroit, Chicago and Philadelphia.

That logic is MADDENING.

Those teams not only possess some of the best defensemen but they also possess the best defensive forwards in the game.

It’s all kosher when you’re putting a Mike Richards, a Datsyuk or a Toews up front and possess a back end that includes a Keith, a Pronger or a Lidstrom. But how many teams have such players? Exactly.

Give me Luongo, Lundqvist or Brodeur any day of the week. I’ll only settle for Niemi if I’m one of the handful of teams that already has a Keith, a Seabrook and a Toews type on my roster.

–I make fun of  the signing quite a bit because it’s fun to pile on Darryl Sutter, but if I were to pick one guy for “comeback player of the year” next season, it’d be Jay Bouwmeester.

He’s a pretty good defenseman, even if he was never as good as the hype that surrounded him upon becoming a free agent (happens every year). Smooth skating, 26-minutes-per-game workhorse who will put up more points this year than last. Bank on it.

When Erik Johnson found out how much Gomez makes, he got really pissed.

–Let’s talk about Erik Johnson signing for 2 years at $2.6m per…

That seems kind of  low to me. Granted, he’s still raw, but he does possess all the skills to be an upper-echelon blueliner. If he makes a big leap this year, he’ll be a huge bargain.

I guess you can make a case that it’s fair value, though, if you compare it to Jack Johnson’s 2-year contract at $1.425m per. However, in my opinion, Jack was a much bigger question mark heading into last season than Erik is right now.

Also, if you look at someone like Alex Edler in Vancouver who signed a 4 year/$3.25m-per deal in ’08, it makes the Erik’s deal seem like a complete steal. Edler is still raw and has nowhere near the upside of Erik.

So yeah, I guess I’ll stick with my original thought that Erik needs to get a new agent.

–Matt Greene is set to miss the start of the season after undergoing shoulder surgery. This led to people to begin speculating about a Kaberle to LA trade.. Granted, the Kings kinda sorta  could use a defenseman right about now but Greene is as defensive of  a defenseman as one can be. On the flip side, Kaberle is as non-defensive of a defenseman as one can be. So, umm, not really sure how people equate Greene going down to Lombardi saying, “must get Kaberle now!” *shrug*

–A couple nights ago, I listened to a Montreal station and they were talking about Carey Price and Jaroslav Halak. The host said something that I never really hear much from the mainstream media but totally agree with.

What did he say, you ask?

He said…

I think Halak is overrated.

Preach on, brother!

–Have you seen this picture of a  billboard in LeBron James’ hometown yet?

Funny stuff. Toronto needs to put one up for Chris Bosh but they won’t because, umm, he’s Chris Bosh. Ha.

–Last but not least, you need to follow me on Twitter because that’s where all the cool kids hang out and you don’t want to be a Twitterless loser right? Peer pressure!

Okay, maybe summer ain't that bad, after all.

It’s the end of July. We’ve officially reached the period where I’m ready for summer to end.

I’m not a summer guy. I don’t like excessive amounts of heat. I’m a fall/winter guy. I like rain and snow –  it’s calm and peaceful.

But here we are.

A month and a half to go until each team’s fan base anoints a preseason standout as their team’s next big thing. Optimism will run rampant. Bets will be made on how many records he’ll shatter.

In a related note, we’re two and a half months away from each one of those preseason studs plying their traits in the AHL or CHL, much to the dismay of local fans who’ve already purchased their jerseys.

But for now, there’s nothing to write about…

–I could write about Maxime Talbot calling Ovechkin “a real douche.” But what sort of analysis could I add to a statement that was based on truth?

–I guess I could write about the recent signings.

–Alexei Ponikarovsky signed with the Kings for $3.2m. Alexander Frolov signed with the Rangers for $3.0m. Both contracts seem about right. Both players will drive fans of their new teams crazy. And both will take their talents to Avangard Omsk in 2011. So, yeah.

–Mason Raymond and Matt Moulson both avoided arbitration and signed ~$2.5m deals with their respective teams, proving once again that one good season in the NHL is the real-life equivalent to winning the lottery.

–One little side note on the Mason Raymond signing: A radio sports show host in Vancouver — and I stress “host” (not “caller”) — said he was initially fearful that the upper-end of Raymond’s contract would be $4.0-$4.5m. Yes, some things are better kept to oneself.

–Andrew Ladd signed for $2.35m, which is damn good for the team. Maybe Ladd should hire a new agent ’cause I’m pretty sure I’d be able to get him more.

–Fabian Brunnstrom re-signed with the Stars for $625k. I’m shocked he has yet to live up to the hype which surrounded him upon his arrival in North America. I mean, most 23-year-old guys who play beer-league hockey in Europe (take that Swedish Elite League!) usually become difference makers when they cross the pond, no?

–That’s pretty much it for the signings that caught my eye (sorry, Mr. Fleschmann and Mr. Perron).

–Hmm, what else can I write about?

–Did you guys hear that the word out of DC is that 2009 1st rounder (24th overall) Marcus Johansson may be the Caps’ answer to fill their 2C void. Here’s a Washington Post article hyping him up a bit. Yes, you’re right, there’s a little too many Nicklas Backstrom comparisons for my liking in that article. Mind you, if he does take the 2C spot, I imagine he’ll be an upgrade over old-man Morrison.

–I’m sure you know at least three people who are going to call the Thrashers the”Atlanta Hawks” this season, and they’ll find it utterly hilarious. A better nickname, however, would be “Chitlanta.” Read it aloud. Okay, on second thought, it’s not much better.

My editor in Angola.

–If you haven’t heard, Down Goes Brown has joined the National Post. In a related story, I’m putting the finishing touches on my contract to become the “hockey insider” for a national paper in Angola. All I have to do is convince them the sport actually exists.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. Water not get hard. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”

–I got a kick out of reading some of the articles on Puck Daddy this week which involved quotes from Russian hockey guys.

There’s this one which includes an interview with Frolov’s agent. Take it away, Sergei Isakov…

The Kings started slow negotiations with Frolov again. I think that Los Angeles is actually concentrating on signing Kovalchuk. [...]  And it was so happening that Frolov’s future in Los Angeles depended on someone else. And it wasn’t nice.

Read the last sentence in Borat voice.

Don’t you know how people are treated in the NHL? If a player has a year left on his contract it is necessary to spoil his season in order not to sign him for big money. That’s what happened with Frolov.

Conspiracy!

Moreover, right now Frolov is almost in New York. He left from one major US city to another, now in the East. It’s a huge city with a lot of temptations.

“Huge city with a lot of tempations?” Lol, was that really necessary to say?

Then there’s this article with quotes from KHL’s President. Take it away, Alexander Medvedev…

I would like to congratulate all hockey fans, especially from St. Petersburg. One of our most renowned and titled defensemen Denis Grebeshkov is coming back to Russia.

Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

He is doing it at the best age for a player – in October he will be 27 years old.

With Grebeshkov’s arrival, the average age of a KHLer now drops to 38.4.

The greatest ever?

The contract is for two years on standard terms. It shows once again that modern hockey players clearly understand why this contract structure is in effect this year. There were no objections from Grebeshkov as to why the contract is a ‘70-30′

Sounds to me like some other free agents didn’t quite like the “70-30″ contract structure and this Medvedev’s way of telling them that they’re not “modern hockey players.” Well played.

I know that Grebeshkov wanted to continue his career in the NHL. And I think that Edmonton made a big mistake by sending to Nashville such a defenseman.

Harsh. Not only are the Oilers having to put up with crap from Souray and Ethan Moreau, they’re also getting trash-talked by the President of the KHL. Damn.

Maybe Denis didn’t have a good season due to an injury. But he fully recovered and he didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs, just like the rest of the Predators. Although we remember that Nashville was only in one round of the playoffs.”

“Didn’t look bad in the Stanley Cup playoffs.” Behold… the great Grebeshkov returns to the motherland!

Then there’s Medvedev’s pandering to Kovalchuk…

He told Pavel Lysenkov of Sovetsky Sport that SKA St. Petersburg of KHL “easily offer Ilya Kovalchuk a contract for the same 17 years like New Jersey … If Kovalchuk likes number 17 that much.”

Kovalchuk comes off like he’s a preschooler who really, really just wants stuff that matches up with his favorite number. I’m guessing his 2nd favorite number is 102,000,000.

And then there’s a required shot at the NHL…

I haven’t spoken with him myself. I don’t want to make his difficult situation any worse. Instead of taking a rest and training, Kovalchuk has to get ready for a court hearing. And these cases, as we know, are unpredictable. There were a lot of instances when players chose to find a peaceful solution with clubs right before hearings.

Going by this quote, it sounds like Medvedev has confused “RFA salary” arbitration with “is the contract legal?” arbitration. Unless I’m missing something and Kovalchuk does have to prove he’s worth $102m going forward. If that’s the case, it is a difficult situation for him to be in, especially when you consider he’s not resting or training.

–So yeah, not much to write about in the middle of summer. Maybe I’ll just talk about my Twitter account which has over 870 followers.

–Rumor has it that Alexander Medvedev is a follower. That would why I’m getting tweets like this sent to me: “Mr. Funny Blades, please make joke about Oilers for moving Great Grebeshkov away. HAHAHA”

–I hope you’re all enjoying your summer. I’ve packed up my DVD player and a couple discs which have hockey games on them, and I’m off to Angola to prove the sport does in fact exist.

–”No, no, man. Is impossible. This thing called electricity not real and devil machine you bring me with discs not work. You silly white man. Now take out your kidney.”

I haven’t done one of these in over 2 weeks. Judging by the few comments this feature elicits, I’m sure you guys have missed it greatly, so who am I do deprive you of this pleasure?

Wait a second, did you see the “[+]” in the title? That’s my brilliant way of giving you a heads up that there’s more to this post than just links.

I bet you’re hella excited and raring to go!

Here … we … go …

Puck Daddy – Greg eulogizes the Paul Bissonnette Twitter account aka @PaulBizNasty aka “the greatest fu*king thing to ever grace the internet”. (Editor’s note: that was the first time in the history of the world that “Paul Bissonnette” and the word “grace” were used in the same sentence.)

Zack Taylor – Whaaaat? A celebrity blog? Yes, my friends, one can never get enough of BizNasty and quotes like this:

“I am 100 percent straight. I don’t know what girls told you that. They are just trying to start a story because they are probably bitter over us kicking them out of our booth at XS Nightclub. As for the photo with that guy back in 2007 – He’s the ex-boyfriend of a girl I dated from Vancouver. We thought it would be funny to take a photo together. I’m not an insecure guy. I’m 100 percent straight… I enjoy banging broads haha!”

There’s also a mini-interview with him here, which includes some insight as to who gets BizNasty’s motor running:

Who his celebrity crush is to sleep with (since all hockey players these days seem to be hooking-up with actresses):

“We call those ‘celebrity kills’ in the dressing room. I think Megan Fox would be up there. She would be my number one.”

Of course, the main attraction in this link is seeing how BizNasty gets down while in Vegas:

Photo courtesy of ZackTaylor.ca

–A celebrity blog link, pictures of a dude in a thong; this probably isn’t a good time to let you guys know that I’m currently addicted to a salad. Not just any salad but a THE GREATEST SALAD KNOWN TO MAN EXIST.

You get some spinach, dress it up with some vinaigrette, add sliced beets, a handful of chopped walnuts and top it off with heaping amounts of goat cheese. It’s so good, I buy the stuff bulk at Costco ’cause I can’t get enough (except the canned beats since they don’t seem to carry those).

In a related note, my wife thinks I’m obsessed about this salad and possibly, just possibly, have more passion for it than anything or anybody.

You know what? She is right.

–Another thing I’ve been meaning to talk about: don’t you just hate it when you’re getting a pedicure and the person… I kid, I kid. My gayness ends at goat cheese salad and sharing pics of BizNasty’s butt muscles.

–See that’s what the “+” sign was for. You know you’re in store for great material when you see the “+” sign. Now unto more links…

This makes up for the previous photo, right?

Intent To Blow – Mike Modano is turning into a joke, but he doesn’t care because he goes to bed with Willa Ford every night. See! See! I’m totally straight! I’m off to play some football. The American kind, not that sissy world kind. ARGH!

–Speaking of football (the sissy kind), BoF reader Rouven hasn’t been heard from since Germany lost. I’m kind of worried something happened.. are you still out there? Or did you just realize how much of a waste of time reading my rambings is, in which case, whatever, man.

–Speaking of football (the macho American kind), here’s another link:

Sports Illustrated – Calling out Brett Favre for his spoiled diva-like behavior. I totally agree every word.

Cowhide and Rubber – Kyle has a great take on why the Ilya contract was declined by the league when other similar deals were allowed. He compares it to a kid trying to push the limit until, finally, the parents have had enough. That’s one of the first things I thought of as well.

Down Goes Brown – DGB compares the NBA’s free agency to the NHL’s. The post itself is funny but the best moment is when DGB responds to comments from readers who questioned as to why an NBA player would need to know how to skate:

Down Goes Brown said…
True fact: In 50% of DGB posts, my favorite joke is hidden in the caption.

(The other 50% of the time it’s some obscure joke that only I’ll find funny, like it mattering whether an NBA player can skate.)

Well played.

2 For Boarding – This new blog written by Jared Clinton caught my eye this week. Good stuff so far, good enough that I’ve added it to my RSS reader.

Stay Classy – Kevin gathers quotes from around the league in reaction to the Kovalchuk signing. Like this one from Eklund:

“When I said the Islanders Kings were going to get Kovalchuk, I meant the Devils. Obviously.”

Bleedin’ Blue – A good take on why the Blues would be smart to lock up Erik Johnson right now. I agree.

Kings Cast – A hilarious and very well produced mini-documentary on the Kovalchuk saga (Days: 1 to 15).

The Rat Trick – As good as the above link was, this post where Frank shares some of the Florida Panthers’ most memorable moments from last season, may cause you even more laughter. There’s five moments:

1. David Booth getting concussed.
2. David Booth getting concussed.
3. David Booth getting concussed Keith Ballard trying to kill his own goalie.
4. Keith Ballard batting the puck into his own goal.
5. And lastly, Kenndal McArdle scoring his first NHL goal.

It’s like Sesame Street… “one of these things is not like the others…”

"He gave up on you, too, so please stop the foolishness."

Ball Don’t Lie – Not a hockey link, but an article that resulted in a facepalm from me.

Basically the author, Kelly Dwyer, mocks some elementary school kids for starting a lemonade stand to help Dan Gilbert pay off the fine for his “f*ck you LeBron” rant. Kelly’s main point is this:

Gilbert was one of the worst enablers in the run that has led to LeBron James’ current role as acting as one of the least self-aware, most self-absorbed entertainers we’ve ever seen. Gilbert allowed James’ inner circle, self-styled “representatives,” to run wild all over the Cavalier organization.

(Yes, because LeBron and his people are self-absorbed and out of touch with reality and  perception — and have been since they were probably, like, 12-years-old –  it’s Gilbert’s fault that LeBron has the ego he does.)

and…

That’s right. LeBron is so tactless, that Gilbert’s immaturity is coming off as heroic, and children have taken to setting up a lemonade stand in order to raise funds to help the Cavaliers’ multimillionaire pay off his fine. A fine that he’ll no doubt be able to pay off once the first of his community-crashing casinos open up just outside of the Cleveland area.

(Gilbert told fans who wanted to help him pay the fine to just donate it to chairty. But besides that, the “community-crashing casinos” comment just reeks of someone who lost his engagement ring money at a casino — hey, we’re all been there and done that, move on, man!)

and finishes with…

But, no, he’s “not a bad man.” I’m sure if Dan swung by your stand, he’d pay you at least a quarter. Maybe even full price. Then he’d sell your parents a predatory loan and point them in the direction of his new casino.

So sell on, young Molly. Because it’s good to have heroes. Even if you find them utterly appalling by the time you hit high school.

(You really schooled these 10-year-old kids, Kelly. Way to show them who’s the man!)

Yeah, facepalm worthy, indeed.

–Russian Machine Never Breaks – A communist link? I’m outraged. Just kidding, my name ain’t Paul Bissonnette. What’s on the other side here is a hilarious look at Kovalchuk’s Facebook updates.

–Did you hear that Marian Hossa got married? Here’s a picture that caught my eye:

I can’t be the only one who thinks they look like the villains in a James Bond film?

And the guy in the middle? You can’t tell me he’s not some hired henchman that’s going to sneak into Bond’s hotel room and try to take him out.

Am I right? Anybody?

–Did you hear that Henrik Zetterberg got married? He and his lovely bride chose a “Where’s Waldo?” themed wedding:

–Here’s another incredibly hot funny photo just because:

–Last night, Adrian Dater — you may remember him from previous posts like this one about the top goalies in the NHL — wrote on Twitter that he’s going to do a top 10 center list and wanted some input.

Off the top of my head, I came up with this:

Crosby, Malkin, Datsyuk, Backstrom, Toews, Getzlaf, Henrik, M. Richards (then toss-up: Kopi, Joe, E. Staal)

Well,  I completely forgot about Zetterberg (probably because he does play wing a lot), Vinny (two off years in a row) and Stamkos (still in show-me mode?).

Thinking back, I’d definitely put Zetterberg in and probably take Kopitar out since he is still in show-me mode as well.

Then there’s Kesler and Mikko Koivu (you may remember the latter from previous posts like this one where I went on and on about how much of a stretch his new contract is). Anyhoo, many people on Twitter last night had Koivu in their top 10 (lol, crazy, right? right?) and I made the point that if Koivu is in the top 10 then Kesler needs to be one spot ahead because he does everything Mikko does, only with more sandpaper.

Needless to say, I’m sure Wild fans wish me hell but the joke is on them ’cause they’re already there having to watch 82 Wild games. HA HA!

–That was mean. Wild fans are a pretty smart bunch and pretty cool. Unlike those bastard Nashiville Predator fans. ZING!

–So what do you guys think about the “+” part of the link post? Never reading another one with that symbol again, are you? Don’t blame ya!

–Time to wrap this puppy up and stuff my face with yummy goat cheese and beets. I may just start injecting the stuff into my veins.

–But before I ago, I must tell you that I changed my “bio” on Twitter to give off a more professional and important aura. After all, I am gunning for Bob McKenzie’s job at TSN. Maybe it’s time to put on a pair of pants as well.