This post is going to part serious and part humor. The serious part consists of me seriously trying to predict where the top unrestricted free agents will land. The humor part will come on July 1st when all my picks are wrong. Sounds like fun, no?  Let’s go! (Please keep in mind that I’m just talking out of my butt.)

Kovalchuk: he's the top dawg... and he knows it!

Ilya Kovalchuk: Los Angeles Kings at a $9m cap hit.
The Kings will be up against the cap after this signing which may cause them some headaches in the coming years. But for now: enjoy the ride!

Anton Volchenkov: Anaheim Ducks at $6m.
I’m crazy you say? Well, of course. But with Scotty retired, the Ducks need to make a splash and have the cap room to outbid other teams for the hulking Russian. Overpaid? You bet! Especially when there’s…

Zbynek Michalek: Washington Capitals at $3.5m.
Michalek presents the best blueline value, in my opinion. He’s solid in his own zone and will come cheaper than Volchenkov which will allow the Caps to go after a decent 1A goalie as well.

Dan Hamhuis: Vancouver Canucks at $4.75m.
This signing pretty much paves the way for the departure of Kevin Bieksa. Whichever team  dumb enough to trade for Bieksa will be rewarded with a player who makes dumb plays all the time. A match made in heaven, if you will.

Sergei Gonchar: Dallas Stars at $4.5m.
He’ll get his money but with his age and recent injury history, I wouldn’t touch him.

Evgeni Nabokov: Philadelphia Flyers at $5m OR KHL at $15m and 100 gallons of oil.
Whooooa!!! I just went out on a massive limb. I feel like an anonymous hockey blogger! Nah, he’ll most likely sign in the NHL but I have no clue as to what team he makes the most sense with. Especially at a $5m cap hit.

Chris Mason: Washington Capitals at $3.5m.
If it comes down to Mason or Turco., I’d be shocked if any GM would actually prefer the latter. If this happens, it’s a good signing. So make it happen!

(BoF edit: According to a reader comment, this is unlikely. But hey, maybe the Caps will use the money to target Lombardi who I also goofed up on in this post. See below.)

(BoF edit #2: I’m changing Mason’s team to Tampa. However, if he signs in Washington, I’m sticking with my original thought. Win-win!  Unless he signs with any of the other 28 teams, in which case I’ll continue looking like an idiot.)

Paul Martin: New Jersey Devils at $4.5m.
I think both parties will come around and keep Martin in Jersey. If not, maybe the Devils will sign Gonchar instead and regret it later.

Matthew Lombardi: Pittsburgh Penguins at $3.5m.
And the endless Crosby winger-matching continues. This one may work out well (or maybe not).

(BoF edit: I’m pretty retarded. Lombardi is a center but for some reason this morning I was convinced he played the wing in Calgary prior to going to Phoenix. So yeah, scratch this one off the list ’cause the Pens need another center like I need more arguments with the wife!!!)

Russia: Verrrrry Nice!

Alexander Frolov: KHL.
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, will pay him the $5 million I read that his agent is seeking in North America. If the price of oil falls, he may even have a hard time getting that in Russia (nah, that’s a lie because the extortion cash will always be there).

Willie Mitchell: Pittsburgh Penguins at $3m.
This can work out great if he’s healthy, or be a disaster if he’s not. Either way, it’s the least the Penguins can do to apologize after Malkin knocked him out.

Marty Turco: Philadelphia Flyers or San Jose Sharks at $2.5m.
If the Nabokov thing doesn’t work out, I’m thinking the Flyers take a flyer (haha) on Turco. He’ll come cheap because, well, he’s been having a rough time since the trapezoid was implemented. Those little lines cost him millions. Or maybe it was his realivitly sh*ty play that cost him (who knows with these things).

Olli Jokinen: Calgary Flames at $5m. JUST KIDDING! GodKnowsWhere at $3m.
I have a hard time finding a fit for him. However, you can be assured that wherever he goes, he’ll manage to royally screw things up. He’s the Milbury of hockey players these days. Maybe, just maybe, he may turn out well in the right spot. It’s happened before.

Pavel Kubina: Tampa Bay Lightning at $3.5m.
I can see him going to a few different teams but chose Tampa because I feel they really need another 3-4 defenseman-type. This should be a good fit for him, in my opinion.

Tom Lydman: New York Islanders at $3.5m.
Another defenseman that can fit on a number of teams who are looking to add depth to their blueline. He’ll be a decent 3-4 blueliner and the Isles are a good fit.

Henrik Tallinder: Buffalo Sabres at $3.5m.
And yet another defenseman who can fill out the depth chart as a 3-4 guy. He was Lydman’s partner in Buffalo and I’m thinking they keep at least one of them. My thinking is always wrong, though, so there you go.

Joe Corvo: Columbus Blue Jackets $2.5m.
He should help out with the Jackets powerplay. Maybe he’ll get $3m. Maybe. But probably not.

Colby Armstrong: Pittsburgh Penguins at $2.0m.
Colby makes his triumphant return to Pittsburgh! Nah, probably won’t happen because he’ll go after the money and should get around $3m somewhere else. Stay tuned, Sid may start tearing up if Colby doesn’t come back.

Ray Whitney, Alex Tanguay, Alexei Ponikarovsky, Lee Stempinak.
All three should get somewhere between $2m to $3m. Whitney may get a tad more if  he signs a one year contract. Too hard to predict where they end up because it could be anywhere. Even Russia. And I don’t have my KHL roster reports handy.

Paul Kariya's Ride

Pavol Demitra, Paul Kariya.
Whichever team signs them better invest in a new CT Scan machine and some extra doctors. Whichever GM signs either one for more than $1.5m better stick his brain into said CT Scan machine.

This concludes my look into the UFA class. There are others but they all suck! (with all due apologizes to Antero Niittymaki).

Oh, and one last thing before I go. Even the worst hockey player that signs a contract on Thursday will make more money than you or I. Soooooo, the only thing we have left is laughter. The more we make fun of hockey players, the more we’re able to hide our inadequacies. Man Rule #425.

Now that I’ve put myself out there, it’s time for you to mock me to no end on Twitter. You can do so by following me here.

(Quite frankly, life is not all about jokes. Some articles call for serious thought, and this, my friends, is one of those articles. Think of this as my Adam Sandler moment — after bombing in Little Nicky, I unload Punch-Drunk Love unto the world. It’s going to be bad. That being said…enjoy! )

–I apologize for the lack of updates. I’ve been swamped with real life and have been unable to put much thought into the site. I’d rather wait until I’m inspired to post something unfunny, instead of just winging it.

–That being said, I’m pretty much going to wing this post and see where it goes.

"Look! No Pucks!"

–There’s no “Making Babies With Other Blogs” this week because I haven’t been reading much lately, but in lieu of it, I will share two MUST-READ posts on Chris Pronger.

First up, Down Goes Brown points out Chris Pronger’s other jerk moves. A sample:

When presented with a seven-year contract offer from the Flyers last year, immediately signed it instead of politely saying “Um, maybe you should go back and re-read the CBA”.

Second, Intent To Blow spends a day with Chris Pronger. An excerpt:

8:32 a.m. – Pronger’s day starts like most others. Bright and early, he gets up has a bowl of Cheerios (they’re heart healthy, he says), refuses to feed his cat (“He’ll figure it out”) and uses a broom handle to smack on the ceiling, abruptly waking his 48-year-old neighbor who has just fallen asleep after a 12-hour night shift as a security guard (“Who does he think he is is? King Backwards? No a**hole’s going to sleep during the day on my watch.”)

Both posts had me cracking up.

–You know who else had me cracking up this week? Chris Pronger. He’s just a funny guy and now, much like an old man in the twilight of his career, he just doesn’t give a rat’s a** anymore. Great entertainment.

–Here’s my “brush with fame” story involving Pronger: My wife and I were staying at the same hotel as the Oilers and we shared the elevator with him. We had our 1-year-old son with us and he made a goofy face at him which caused my son to laugh. It would have been a sweet story had he not kicked over the stroller once the elevator door opened up and ran out screaming that we’ve been “Prongerized”.

–Turns out the correct pronunciation of Byfuglien’s name is by-foog-lee-anne. When he was playing junior in Price George, he just went along with the play-by-play guy’s pronunciation, which is the one that stuck. I haven’t yet confirmed if the play-by-play guy is legally blind or just lazy.

The Legend of Oduya

–Paul Henderson’s jersey is up to $211,202. That’s $211,000 more than Johnny Oduya’s Team Sweden jersey. Makes you wonder which bidder is getting the better deal. Sure, the Oduya may not be historic, but at least you can wear it with style on your trip to the Nordic. The Henderson one, I’d just be paranoid that something would happen to it. Oh and let’s not forget the fact that the Oduya jersey still leaves you financial wiggle room to buy something nice for yourself. Like, say, a house.

–Speaking of deciding between two different things: In the 2006 draft, Toews went #3 to the Hawks, Backstrom went #4 to the Caps. Try to imagine what the present would look like had those picks had been reversed. Is your mind blown yet? Mine is.  How different would the Caps be with Toews? How different would the Hawks be with Backstrom? *BOOM* <— your mind just exploded!!!

–With the draft right around the corner, I had an interesting conversation with one of my friends. We looked at the 1st round picks from 1997 to 2005 (yes, we’re major dorks), and besides the 2003 draft, most 1st rounds only produce 2 or 3 bluechip stars. We’re talking about bonafide difference-makers, not serviceable or even solid NHLers. Only 3 out of 30 achieve that level.

–Another thing we uncovered: Since 1997, the Red Wings have only had 5 first round picks.

–I’d love it if CBC obtained the rights to the draft for one reason. To have Ron MacLean say something like this in the intro: “Like the great General Tuktoyaktuk said many scores ago, the Entrée Draft is a place where seasoned hockey men feast of the flesh of young souls who dream of fortune and fame.” If you read the phrase in Ron MacLean’s voice, it totally comes alive!

There is crying in baseball.

–The way the aftermath of Armando Galarraga\Jim Joyce perfect game fiasco was handled by the parties involved  is one of those moments that makes sports great.

–How crazy is that MLB has had 3* perfect games inside of a month’s time. Add to that the Flyers 3-0 comeback plus Kobe perfecting his act of imitating Jordan plus Nash looking like a UFC fighter and you have a recipe for a great month of sports.

* – Only two perfect games technically because the third one was ruined by Jim Joyce’s blown call which will go down at this generation’s Don Denkinger moment, only without the death threats (maybe).

– I think that’s it for today. Follow BoF on Twitter, it’s very zen-like lately.

(This is a guest post written by Vladimir Sharapov (Владимир Шарáпов). Vladimir works as a baseball scout in his home country of Russia, but his true passion lies in the sport of hockey. We hope that you agree with us when we say that Vladimir will add both a serious and an international opinion to the Blades of Funny community. His posts are unedited from the copies that he sends us, save for the censoring of swear words.)

HELLO BLADES OF FUNNY READER,

I write here TODAY to tell you about PROFOUND INJUSTICE done to my comrades. My expose will AWE and SHOCK you lazy North American who sit around eating cheese covered chip all day.

After watching games involving OVECHKIN vs. STUPID MONTREAL and MALKIN vs. UGLY MONTREAL. I can tell you this with no question in my mind: THE RUSSIAN SUPERSTARS WERE CHEATED IN THE PLAYOFFS.

YES IT IS TRUE. Every bone of VLADAMIR’S BODY feel truth must be told.

EVIDENCE IS CLEAR.

Montreal bad team who can not score goal on MICHAEL LEIGHTON but they defeat MALKIN AND OVECHKIN? THIS smell like more fish to VLADIMIR than the shores of SEVERDVINSK.

GOALTENDER from SLOVAKIA <Vladimir SPIT on floor> play like MIRACLE ON ICE vs. OVECHKIN and MALKIN but now he not able to stop MIDGET FRENCHMAN BRIERE and WALKING HOSPITAL PATIENT GAGNE. This no make any sense to VLADIMIR.

League do not want Cup of Stanley champion to be HANDSOME RUSSIAN MAN with flair of sabertooth tiger and instinct of killer bee. This why league conspire to ELIMINATE comrades with superior HOCKEY SKILL.

OR League afraid of CRAZY FANS in Philadelphia and Montreal so they act like chicken who do not want bones broken. I do not understand how Montreal defeat OVECHKIN and MALKIN back-to-back. IMPOSSIBLE.

Anti-RUSSIA conspiracy also effect DATSYUK and KOVALCHUK too but VLADIMIR not have evidence as clear about this like I have about Montreal. Plus DETROIT team get many breaks in previous times so it is CLEAR to VLADIMIR they not part of conspiracy.

You say to VLADIMIR: but what about NABOKOV and BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, they still in playoffs?

I write in previous post about NABOKOV how he not TRUE RUSSIAN because he too much CALIFORNIA DREAMING. About BROTHERS KOSTITSYN I choose not to talk about them. They good Russian boys and we leave it at that, OK? Good. No more question in future about BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, PLEASE.

I need to end now as I have to catch train to scout baseball tomorrow but I hope my words open eyes of hockey fans that league cheat and is anti-RUSSIAN. American Fans deprived of ability to watch best players in league because league eliminate all GREAT RUSSIANS. This make VLADIMIR’S STOMACH HURT more than water from village well.

Before I go, I answer COMMENTS AND WORDS FROM READERS FROM PREVIOUS POST…

***

Man with exotic name write comment:

I do not know what this mean. Everytime VLADIMIR visit America to scout baseball, people come up to me and say about player:

“He strong like Drago.”

“He powerful like Drago.”

“He probably juice like Drago.”

Why should Vladimir care what juice player drink? SILLY AMERICANS. I do not get your conversation. NEXT!

***

Man who work as waiter write comment:

You must spend too much time in kitchen because RUSSIAN MEN do not golf. What sort of SISSY game is golf? Walk around park, hit little ball into little hole located in middle of park. GAME IS LAZY AND STUPID FOR FAT NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

You want to know what OVECHKIN and rest of RUSSIA MEN do to relax? WE hunt the elusive LYNX in SOUTHERN SIBERIA. This is what a REAL man do, not walk around park and hit white balls with stick.

***

Finally, lovely lady write to BLADES OF FUNNY ABOUT VLADIMIR:

Maybe you invite VLADMIR to marriage in North America so VLADMIR get visa and achieve life dream of working for Blue Jays of Toronto?

What can VLADIMIR offer in return for visa? I strong like ox, fix house without problem, hunt for food, and build magnificent well in your village. If you marry VLADIMIR you become ENVY of all women in village filled with fat and lazy NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

BYE BYE FOR NOW PEOPLE IN INTERNET.

Владимир Шарáпов

(A weekly feature on Blades of Funny where I share a few must-read articles from the hockey world, and then add in a lame joke. While it’s technically supposed to be posted on Friday, you never know with this thing because it has a mind of its own. Read something good? Send it in! Wrote something funny? Send it in! Want to tell me how much you hate me? I’d love to hear it!)

Not Friday, nope, but I  ain’t going to explain how this works; I’ve done enough of that in issues past. I’m just glad that this week is over ’cause it was quite the difficult one for yours truly. Not difficult in the big picture of the world sense of things, but a pain in the behind no less. Long story short, Monday started off crappy and by Thursday I was in the fetal position begging for mercy. But now here I am, much wiser (lie) and a couple grand poorer (not a lie). Why am I telling you this? Well, you’re my bestest friend and if I can’t share these things with you, why are we BFFs?

Anyways, here are the links. Excuse me if I came across sounding bitter, it was never my intention.

Cult of Hockey – A story of how the Oilers came up with their original colors and logo. Surprise, surprise, it has something to do with pandering to big business (’cause we all know they need to be shown gratitude in addition to the money they extort from citizens.) Life is sooooo fair.

Bloge Salming – The Matt Cooke Show. Matt Cooke symbolizes everything that’s wrong with this world. If he was an average Joe and spent his days annoying and assaulting people downtown, he’d be considered a homeless bum and be disposed of. Instead, because he does it as part of his job, he gets paid millions of dollars, much like a banker. Life is sooooo fair.

Puck Daddy – A couple of guys with too much time and money on their hands spend their life scheming of ways to sneak a shark into the arena. So, while people are starving all over the world, these guys sacrifice perfectly good food to millionaire hockey players. I assume their day job involves working for a bank.  Life is sooooo fair.

View From My Seats – A look at who has IT and what IT is. If you need further clarification about IT, ask John Druce. Though, according to his Wikipedia page, he works for a financial services company so whatever he tells you is probably going to be a lie.

MC 79 Hockey – Sifting through the ashes of the Washington Capitals 1st round loss. Tyler calls out people who are trying to distort the facts because they’re either clueless or lazy. Based on this I assume that Tyler is not a banker because if he was, he’d be all for being lazy and distorting the facts.

Hockey or Die – Jonathan Willis shares his thoughts on Don Cherry taking exception to HNIC resorting to reading emails from jerks. Cherry sounds like a hypocrite to me ’cause his whole shtick comes off like a rambling email from a jerk. You know who else comes off like a rambling, jerkish hypocrite? A banker. (Ed’s note — I like Cherry; A banker, not so much.)

Stay Classy – Burgundy, inspired by Blades of Funny (I know, I know, wtf is this world coming to, right?) shares some Chat Roulette screenshots featuring NHL players. What do all three players have in common? They all posses the character traits of someone working in the financial services industry: Jagr goes where the money is;  Thomas disappears after getting the money; and Cooke is a straight-up a-hole.

Cult of Hockey – A look at what it’s like to be a hockey player in Montreal. I addition to the adoration and the money, being a Canadiens player also allows you to partake in sexy time with Canada’s most attractive and liberal female population. Life is sooooo fair.

Thanks to all the blogs that linked here this week: Down Goes Brown, Puck Daddy, St Louis Game Time, The Rat Trick, Stay Classy, Preds On The Glass, Five For Howling and if I missed someone it’s probably because I was too busy getting the shaft by the wonderful folks working in the financial service industry. Deal with it, life ain’t fair!

No Twitter screenshots today because if you’re not following along by now, you probably never will. But I must say that you missed some epic poking fun at the Vancouver Canucks on Friday. I assume I lost all my Vancouver followers, so my twitter stream no longer smells like sushi, luxury automobiles, designer clothing, and a whiny smugness. Which means my Twitter stream no longer smells like a banker.

If you are a hockey fan, you’ve no doubt heard about Vancouver’s Green Men. They’re a YouTube sensation; have their own website; even a Twitter account.

But who are these spandex-draped weirdos?

What if they’re a couple NHL players with too much time on their hands?

Maybe ’cause they didn’t make the playoffs? (Yes, I  do realize they were around during the regular season but stop bugging me with facts and let me set up the post, damn it!)

We did some brainstorming at Blades of Funny headquarters and came up with a few possible names; We also eliminated others.

Blades of Funny Brainstorms Possible NHL Players Moonlighting As The Green Men

Never seen them carrying a defibrillator: Jonas Gustavsson.

Nor an inflated sense of entitlement: Dion Phaneuf.

They move around: Wade Redden.

Yet, don’t pull a hamstring: Marian Gaborik.

They aren’t rushed to the ER when they partake in fun: Erik Johnson.

Nor when they just stand up: Rick DiPietro.

They love attention and have the cash to buy prime seats: Mike Commodore.

And they’re able to remember where those seats are located: David Booth.

Not that we’re looking, but both appear to have a full package: Phil Kessel.

However, they keep that covered up: Jiri Tlusty.

In real life, they don’t come off like sensitive cry babies: Sheldon Souray.

Nor do they on Twitter: Martin Havlat.

In fact, they appear to be very happy with their place in the world: Tomas Kaberle.

When their image comes up on screen, it’s always good for a few laughs: Jeff Finger.

We said laughs, not gaffes: Vesa Toskola.

Everyone in the arena cheers when they appear on the Jumbotron: Evander Kane.

And not ’cause the visiting coach selected them for the shootout: Olli Jokinen.

Their whole gig is based upon getting inside the opposition’s head: Steve Ott.

Not literally: Colton Orr

They don’t randomly assault the opposition: Mike Komisarek.

Nor each other: Keith Ballard.

Never seen a puddle of blood underneath them: Zenon Konopka.

Nor a puddle of sweat: Nikolai Khabibulin.

Never heard them give random analysis about other teams: R.J. Umberger.

Nor about fashion: Sean Avery.

We’ve seen them in the playoffs: Jay Bouwmeester.

And they didn’t fold under the pressure: Alexander Semin.

You: huh?
BoF: what’s the problem, sir/ma’am?
You: you said the list only consists of non-playoff players.
BoF: well…did semin really play in the playoffs?
You: no, I guess not.
BoF: sooooo he could very well have been in vancouver.
You: true.
BoF: there you go.
You: that’s brilliant.
BoF: thank you.
You: no, that was BRILLIANT. You are a genius, man.
BoF: what can I say, I’m pretty good at this stuff.
You: uhhh…I was being sarcastic.
BoF: that’s mighty small of you.
You: that’s what she said.
BoF: about you?
You: no, about you!
BoF: how come?
You: what?
BoF: what?
You: you’re retarded.
BoF: I know you are but what am I?
You: not funny.
BoF: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
You: [hits ctrl+w]

Well, since nobody is reading anymore, I guess there’s no point in finishing. Good thing too as the only other things I have is some Steve Mason jokes and maybe a jab or two at the Florida Panthers. I couldn’t think of a joke about Lecavalier and his constant trade rumors, nor could I think of a midget joke for St. Louis (Martin, not the city, though I’m sure the city has its fair share of midgets too). Yup, all out of material on this one. Maybe if you follow me on Twitter, I’ll come up with something. Better yet, maybe you will.